It is again that time of the year when my Facebook wall will be filled with done-to-death wallpaper wishes for Independence Day.
There will be photos of our flag fluttering like Asha Parekh’s eyelashes with “Jai Hind” smeared all over it (over the flag not the eyelashes).
There will be photos of India’s map covered with Saffron, white and green as if while playing with his ball (Earth), an alien giant playfully smeared India with those colours and finally provided us another way to distinguish between Northies (orange skinned) and Southies (Green skinned).
There will be pictures of Mother India leaning over a map of the nation, with her head resting over Kashmir, her foot in the south and her left hand holding a trident plucked in the ass of the Eastern populace (symbolic of how the rest of India treats them) and her right hand raised as if trying to slap us for freeing her and chaining her again (We mistake it as a hand raised in blessing because we love making mistakes. Look at Manmohan Singh)
There will be pictures of young, semi naked army men displaying their oily, expressway-ish chests and their 3X2 matrix abs with ‘Proud to be an Indian’ photoshopped over their collective crotch.
There will be some Congress bashing facts (nothing is complete nowadays without it as it is the garam masala of our dish of frustration) and there will be poems on national integration intended to bring tears to our eyes and failing (the fact remains that the only thing which brings tears to our eyes after 65 years of independence is Onions. Because of their price).
And as if that was not enough, there will be people liking the pictures and putting comments like – ‘I m soooooooooooooooo proud 2 b an Indian 2day’ and ‘Jay Hind’ and ‘I <3 <3 my India!!!!!!!!!!!!!’, especially on the picture of the semi naked army men.
And if that was not enoughily enough, there will be people writing collective messages to their friend list saying – ‘Happy Independence day’ and will get amazingly creative replies like – ‘Happy Independence to u 2 Dude!’ instead of bland ones like – ‘What fuc*ing Independence?’.
We have reached a stage where patriotism can be measured by your Facebook posts. The percentage by which a nation is patriotic could be calculated by the vain messages shared by its self-centered and me-first population over Facebook. So hypothetically, according to Facebook, Indians are 99.99% patriotic. Mahatma Gandhi and Bhagat Singh would have given a high-five to each other if they would not have known better. They are probably having a *face-palm* session in heaven and gaping at the mess they have created.
But let’s not talk about 1947. The moral of the story of our independence was that after getting their land back, people divide it and kill each other. So you better be on the right side of the line. Anyways, coming back to modern India and leaving aside mundane topics like corruption, acid throwing competitions, people dying of hunger, erosion of the thin line between rivers and sewers, malnutrition, random men squeezing butts of random women in dark alleys to teach them about culture, let’s talk about exciting stuff.
I was wondering if Poonam Pandey will pose nude on our Independence Day with the tricolor painted on her body to cheer us all up after Manmohan Singh finishes his speech which will be basically him staring at the bulletproof glass in front of him for one hour. Oh! The uproar after that is so maliciously exciting, isn’t it? And it will be so cute to see Sonia Gandhi running to cover up Manmohan’s eyes as Poonam walks up the dais.
I was also wondering which done to death patriotic movie will be done to death again this year. We have so many classics to choose from:
- Gandhi (the only Hollywood movie in which Indian actors did not play snake charmers, beggars and kings)
- Shahid Bhagat Singh (All 4.5 versions of it)
- Gadar (don’t we all love the way Sunny Deol screams his way in and out of Pakistan with a handpump in his hand and saves a constantly pouting Amisha?)
- Swadesh (The only movie in which SRK didn’t bleat)
- Mother India (in which Nargis and Sunil Dutt fell in love while playing mother and son)
- Purab Paschim (The only attempt in the history of Bollywood to pass an actress (Saira Banu) as blonde))
- Kranti (the only movie in Bollywood with an erotic baby delivery scene because of the way Hema Malini moans while popping him out)
- Karma (where Dilip Kumar displayed Olympics winning capabilities as he etched a map of India on a wall with bullets and the villian pissing his pants somewhere in Madhya Pradesh)
- Border (I cannot forget the scene where Pooja Bhatt sucks a mango as her left eye shrinks to nothingness and then Akshay Kumar sucks a mango too, touching his inner left cheek with his inner right one.)
- Lagaan (A British lady falling for a stinking, filthy villager. Lucky bastard)
And it goes on and on and on. As we watch these movies year after year, we grow misty eyed and in the flow of sentiments, we log into our Facebook account and reaffirm our love for our nation - ‘I <3 U India! I really Do!’. We feel light after using Facebook as a commode to flush patriotism out of our body. How else can our conscience allow us to throw the wrapper of our burger (smeared with leftover mayonnaise) on the head of a sleeping beggar on the pavement? How else can we drive a car at 120km/hour and kill a man eating his last ice-cream on a footpath? How else can we pass a 1000 Rs note for a speedy driving license? How else can we justify our desperation, the mutual love we share with our corrupt machinery? How else can we enjoy a women getting molested on a road and then on YouTube?
If independence would have been a woman, she would have died by absolute exhaustion because of the number of times we have abused, molested and gang-raped her. Thankfully, independence is not a woman. It is just a notion, a feeling which surfaces on a single day every year and is buried the next day, a feeling which is confined like a bird in a cage called Facebook. It is just the picture of Mahatma Gandhi on that 1000 Rs note which we pass under the table.
Thank God for small mercies.
And why the fuc* do I end up writing serious stuff at the end of funny posts!?!!
Anyways, Happy Independence Day. Catch Ya on Facebook!
Luv U India! Loads!