The third Raaz of making Garbage

Let me categorically state that I had no intentions of writing about Raaz 3 but the movie was so downright stupid that how could I let go of a chance to butcher it with my bare hands?

*This post is not full of spoilers but is one big spoiler*

So, the movie begins with a top Bollywood actress cheekily called Shanaya (Bipasha Basu) desperate to get an award as she thinks she is falling behind in the race as new young and fresh actresses like Sanjana (Esha Gupta) are replacing her. She goes to astrologers and Babas and recites ‘Gayatri Mantra’ before opening the door of her car in the award function.

[Aren’t there around 163 award functions every year in Bollywood? If Shanaya could not get even one of them, maybe it was  time to quit?]

Shanaya also have this problem with Sanjana because they are step sisters with a common father. The paparazzi and the rest of the world is blissfully unaware of this fact. Aditya (Emraan Hashmi) is a successful director (!!) and gets awards too (!!!!!!!!!). Shanaya of course does not win and the award goes to – guess who – Sanjana. As Shanaya stomps out of the venue, an old servant of her (who is stalking her and lurking on the red carpet) gets all sentimental and asks her to visit a ghost who lives in a small pond inside a chawl (!). Shanaya meets the ghost, who has covered the entrance to all the temples of the chawl with black cloth so that the Gods do not disturb him and who is in the mood for philanthropy and agrees to help her. He gives her some water and asks her to give a few drops to Sanjana every day.

[Why will a ghost do black magic instead of simply scaring the shit out of Sanjana himself is a mystery]

Shanaya plants Aditya at Sanjana’s house after copulating with him and irritating him so much with her passionless kisses that he agrees to help just to get rid of her tongue cleaning his face again and again.

This is my happy face!! Now I will finally have my revenge!

Sanjana stays alone with her maid and sleeps with all the doors and windows of her house open and has a photograph of a Joker scaring her when she was a child on one of the living room walls. Weird girl! As she unknowingly drinks the black magic-ed water everyday she starts screaming and running with such alarming frequency that the audience starts laughing instead of sympathizing with her.

 – There are televisions turning on and worm infested hands coming out of them.

– Her maid dies by stabbing herself with gigantic shards of glasses and then as if that was not enough to kill her, she hangs herself from the fan and switches it on.

– Then there are cockroaches coming out of the wash basins and carry out a coordinated attack on Sanjana during a party. Sanjana, dumb as she is, is not able to locate the bathroom door and ends up removing all her clothes to get rid of all the cockroaches who are now trying to get inside her from every possible opening in her body. Finally when she has taken off everything, she is able to locate the bathroom door and runs out naked in the party, gets on a table and slaps her butt numerous times, much to the amusement of the guests and the paparazzi.

Busy screaming eh? The door is right behind you.

– In another incident, Sanjana enters an empty shooting studio. Now instead of smelling something fishy and running out immediately, she ventures inside and finds a Joker running after her and scaring her to death. After she is scared enough, she finds the door.

Sanjana decides to take the help of a Baba types who sends his disciple into the world of the dead by making him sit in a graveyard/morgue and tying his wrist to Sanjana’s by a thread and mouthing a clichéd ‘Om Him Cream Chamundaay Viche’. This is like an anthem to communicate with ghosts and you will find it in all horror movies. The disciple ends up being decapitated with a shocked expression on his face. Sanjana goes crazy with horror and is calmed down by a sudden thrust of the infamous Hashmi tongue in her mouth. Even though she has just seen a man’s head fly off from his body, sex soothes her. Jab Hashmi Kare Pyaar, to koi kaise kare inkaar? (When Hashmi says go baby go, then how can the baby say no no no?).

Kiss me!! Kiss me!!! I just saw a headless body!

So Aditya falls in love with Sanjana, which pisses off Shanaya so much that she goes ahead and has sex with the worm infested ghost who promises to kill Sanjana for her. The ghost reaches the hospital and turns into a centipede and gets inside Sajana’s brain. Sanjana goes into coma and the doctor says that she won’t survive the night.

[Now if the ghost was bloody capable of doing this, why the hell did he waste my time by doing that water drops drama? Hrrrmph!]

So, our brave hero goes into the world of the dead to save Sanjana from the ghost. Bollywood finds its first doctor that believes in ghosts and he takes the hero to the morgue which is the perfect place to go in the world of the dead. The Baba types rub some gangajal on Aditya’s wrists (which he had conveniently forgotten in the case of his own disciple)  and gives him some superpowers. Our hero kills the ghost (it was a cakewalk) by just punching him with his gangajal soaked hands and finally by landing an axe on his head which he borrows from a Ganpati statue in the Ghost world! He also injures Shanaya in the process because she is now one with the Ghost after riding him. While our hero is beating the shit out of the ghost, Shanaya too is flying like Harry Potter and banging on walls in the real world.

In the end, Shanaya puts acid on herself and goes pitter-patter-splutter-hissssss and you are left wondering that why the hell didn’t she do that in the beginning of the movie when she didn’t get that godforsaken award?

The movie had loads of ‘Did you know’ moments like :

  • Ghosts can be stupid.
  • Bipasha’s thighs are huge. Like really huge. Just like those four pillars of the Taj Mahal.
  • You can use the swearword ‘chutiyapa’ in front of two women in a fit of anger even if you are a sophisticated director.
  • Doctors can believe in ghosts.
  • Ghosts can be horny and you can have sex with a ghost whose body looks as if he was burnt for dowry and has worms slithering all over him.
  • Ghosts can lift objects with their hands and even make calls by public telephones.
  • Having sex will make you forget about a headless body.
  • When scared, a woman can never find a door out of a room because she is busy screaming.
  • The world of the dead is as shabby as ours.
  • Kutta aur baccha pyar ke bhookhe hote hain (A dog and a child are hungry for love). *Who wrote this shit?!?*

After the numbness left my brain and after much pondering, I decided that Raaz 3 was THE worst movie I have seen in a theater. Ever. I had to come back home and watch Sophie’s Choice to calm my brain.

[Images from 1,2,3,4]

74 comments on “The third Raaz of making Garbage

  1. Ha ha….Bhatt camp should read this review and spare us from making another sequel of Raaz!!
    Raaz 1 = copy & mix of some hollywood movies
    Raaz 2 = does anybody care what was the movie about!!
    Raaz 3 = explained it well in ur post 😉

    Super liked that ‘did you know’ part 🙂

  2. Lol!! I have this habit of verifying myself if the movie was really this stupid… but Raaz 3 doesn’t seem to fit even in THAT category!
    ‘Kutta and bacha pyaar ke bookhe hote hain..’ such profound statements!!!

  3. Haha.. how could you even sit there for 2hrs is beyond me. Since Tees maar khan I have disciplined myself to see stuff that others find boring

    • Only because I had paid to watch the saga. I cannot do charity and give my money for free to the Bhatts.
      Actually, Geet and I were so tired after all our shopping that we wanted to sit somewhere for two hours. Little did we know that we would be mentally exhausted too in the end.

  4. I’m guilty too, watched it last night just out of sheer boredom. I have no words left to describe the movie, your post is that apt. Me and my husband were going nuts and laughing seeing the movie.

    Even I wondered when and how Bipasha gained so much weight. And the other actress running out of the bathroom only after removing her clothes was the last straw.

    Don’t the bhatts watch their movies ?

    • OH! You are a fellow sufferer! My sympathies.
      I think this is the only movie in the history of cinema where the whole crew sleepwalked through the entire project.

  5. HAHAHA,… What the hell are you talking about?! It sounds like a smashing movie! I love comedy horror movies and this sounds like a whole new level up from Ramsay brothers! Tongues flying around and multilevel complicated plots, how can I resist? Your review has only encouraged me to watch it, Amit, now go find some gangajal to purify me. (although the last time I saw gangajal it looked like your wrist would dissolve in it)

    • I think Ramsay’s movies were a bit better. You went to see them pretty much knowing what you will get. It used to be an in-your-face brainless shit.
      This was brainless shit in the disguise of a sophisticated horror movie. 10 minutes into it and I could see my money going down the drain.

  6. be frank with me.. if I searched real hard, I’d find every scene of this movie in a Ramsay brothers classic, wouldn’t I ? Glad to hear that irrespective of how many times he makes a horror film, in the end, its always the mantras that screw the ghost 🙂

    And yes, like the change in look

    • Yes and more. I can bet you will not find a sparkling Ganpati statue in the world of the dead in a Ramsay movie.
      That mantra is annoying. Next time I hear it in a horror movie, I am going to scream so loud that people will thank me for giving them a real taste of what a scream in a horror movie should be like.
      And then there was this chantings which goes everytime a status of a god appears. The movie ended up being a TV serial at a lot of places.

      Thanks. 🙂 Lets see how long it takes me to get bored of it. 🙂

  7. I read this was garbage right from trash can the day the movie was released. And your post proves that as well. I wonder why they make such headless movies. And Jism 2 goes second on this list…

  8. 😆
    Wiping away the tears in my eyes after reading this 😆

    One more ‘did you know’ to add to the melee :
    Shanaya Shekhar and Sanjana Krishnan had the same father. Shekhar and Krishnan are one and the same no? 😛

    • I am sure the Bhatt’s would have an explanation for this also. Something like – their father was a secret agent. He was leading a dual life.
      Anything is possible in such a movie.

  9. ROFL 😀 (Sorry I didn’t mean to rub salt on your wounds.)

    You have my sympathies. But really what made you watch this movie in a theater? What were the makers/actors thinking when they made this?

    “Kutta aur baccha pyar ke…” is that really a dialogue in the movie????????

    I loved the Did you Know section.

    On a serious note, I will tell you something about the doctors believing ghosts and black magic. Recently a family friend’s wife had fallen sick. So sick that she found it hard to breath. When she was taken to the doctor, surprisingly he said that the lady has no illness. Instead this doctor suggested an astrologer or a tantrik or whatever. The lady was taken to this place, and this guy said that the lady is a victim of black magic. This guy advised some solution and guess what the lady is alright now. Unbelievable isn’t it??????????

    • Thank you for all your sympathies.
      Areee Geet and I were really tired and wanted to sit for a while and we chose this! 😦
      I think the makers were sleeping when they made this.

      Yeah yeah, that is a very important dialogue in a very serious scene. 🙂
      I believe in Black Magic. I have seen it happen, so I know. It happened in my family and no one in my family is that good an actor so I know it was for real.

  10. lol.. reading the review was more and more enjoyable.. forget seeing the movie.. was so fed up seeing razz-2 thought razz-3 would be bakwass.. and you have told it.. looks like they like doing such flop movies to cover up their taxes.. 🙂

    • Thanks ashreyamom. 🙂
      I haven’t seen Raaz 2. I think Raaz was just about ok.
      The series is dead for me now. 🙂 I have buried it in the deepest corners of my brain.

  11. I liked Raaz – I after that i gave up on Mahesh Bhat movies..
    i don’t want to waste my time and money on any of his movies..

    • There was another one in which Shanaya is convincing Aditya to give the black magic-ed water to Sanjana and she goes – Kya tumhe peri tadap nahi dikhti? Meri Pyaas nahi dikhti?
      And in the meanwhile she was tearing off his clothes. I was wondering what was she talking about? Aditya must have been very confused.
      Yes, yes. Go ahead. Don’t tell me later that I didn’t warn you. 😛

  12. heheheehehehehe – Getting up after falling off the chair laughing –
    Loved loved reading this. I had almost watched this last weekend. Better sense prevailed. This bashing makes up for the movie (if we can call it one!). I don’t understand how one can go ahead with shooting and then release the movie and still not realize the “did you know” section!
    This post made my monday 😛

  13. I thought Imran Hashmi became sane after getting married/becoming a father as he was picking up challenging roles the director in The dirty picture and the bad guy in Shangai.
    PS: what I don’t understand is that how can people(esp the producer) make such movies?Why do they expect that the audience watch movies wearing a dunce hat?

    • I think he has this obligation towards the Bhatt camp.
      They make such movies in the hope that they will bath in cash. And we do help them in many ways.
      Thanks. 🙂

  14. Can’t stop laughing after reading this, both for the way you’ve iterated the script and your decision to watch this. I couldn’t control imagining your expressions at every scene in the movie while reading this.
    Hats Off to you both for having the courage to go for this movie 😀 . I really want to figure out the actual RAAZ behind this decision. Weren’t the trailers enough for you that you decided to watch the whole thing?

    • Thanks Ati.
      Actually we haven’t seen any of the trailers. I had seen Bipasha’s song and that’s it.
      And we were tired and hungry after the shopping and wanted to rest for a while. We had no idea what we were getting into.
      We were laughing with the rest of the audience – at the movie and at our own foolish decision.

  15. Lolz…maha lolz…

    You r terrific…wasn’t planning to watch movie but with ur review, amy be watch it once… awesome review about a goofy movie…tweeting u!

    U r brilliant!

  16. You went to watch this movie??? Seriously?? I can think of a hell lot of other ways to waste money. But seriously? THIS movie? in theatre??? Your image in my mind just went down like a couple of notches!! (Now don’t hit me 🙂 but Raaz 3?? really???)

    • Please Maddie!!! Don’t downgrade me! Please ! Please ! Please!
      It was a mistake and I am ashamed of it. I admit and apologize!
      *cries with his head on the ground and arms outstretched*

  17. I think in your unconscious mind you actually wanted to watch the movie. Wasn’t any other movie running at the theater? Wasn’t any coffee shop which could offer you two chairs & coffee or snacks to chill or rest your tired feet? But thanks for your hilarious review! Me & my roomie were literally ROFLing after reading your account! Remember 1920? I heard that its sequel is coming up! We had some laughter after watching it and these Bhatt camp horror movies are so damn hilarious!

    • They were playing Ek Tha Tiger (which I had already endured), Joker (which I think was as bad as Raaz) and this crap movie. So, these were my options.
      And which coffee shop will allow you to sit there for 2 hours? Have you seen malls nowadays? They are like refugee camps.
      Well, thanks. 🙂 I am glad that I was able to entertain.
      1920? No, I think I escaped that calamity.

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