While flipping channels, I came across a hair dyed (probably Black Rose Kaali Mehndi), 61 years old Rajnikant romancing Aishwarya Rai. Now imagine Aishwarya at the age of 61, wearing a gorgeous black wig and kilos of makeup, romancing Hrithik Roshan’s son in a movie. Imagine the jolt it will send through the Indian citizens who will then talk about umar ka lihaz (respect for one’s age) and about the effect this sinful on-screen romance will have on Ash’s family and our Nirma white society.
Of course, it isn’t going to happen because this is not America and we have high moral and cultural standards before 6 pm when there is still sunlight.
Of course, Rajnikant has a daughter too but isn’t it simulating to watch old balding, dyed heroes with younger, virgin (or virgin looking) actresses? It gives a lot of men what they truly desire. Dreams, hope and erections. Not in that particular order.
The point being that the only asset that an Indian actress should possess to arouse the Indian male and the box-office is that she should be a Kacchi Kali (Raw Bloom).
Let me share a secret with you. We men love to put up posters of actresses (recently replaced by wallpapers on desktops for middle class onwards) in our bedroom and kiss them goodbye every night, sometimes very passionately. We do a lot of Hiiiii-uffffff-taubaaaa staring at those wallpapers. We also have seductive and gyratory pictures of actresses tucked away under our bed to pass our lonely times. Their parted red lips, hint of bosoms and legs, the hourglass figure at display are our true companions in nights of despair. The rule of thumb (unless we have a fetish for married women) is that we do this only with actresses who are still untouched by any other man. Any actress who gets married is like a Paraya Maal (someone else’s goods) to us. We are very cultured and we do not look at someone else’s women with galat nigaah (wrong eyes), unless we are in a group, completely drunk, have a car at our disposal and know of a desolate place nearby.
We like our actresses to be virgins and unmarried because without that, feel nahi aati (feel doesn’t come). What is the point of imagining yourself hugging an actress like a snake hugging Chandan ka tree if she is committed to someone else? In Om Shanti Om, the villain kills his wife (who is a popular actress) after she threatens to reveal the dirty secret of their marriage and her pregnancy to the world. This should have shattered the villain’s plan of featuring the (supposedly) virgin actress in a big budget movie. He then burns her up with the sets. He commits this sacrifice to earn money by providing what the Indian male wants – an unchui kaatil jawani (untouched killer youth).
No wonder that the moment an actress gets married, she is not hot anymore. Getting married is the last thing on the minds of our virgin raatoon ki raanis (queens of nights) too because that would be the end of their career. We will throw them out. We will shed a few tears and label them someone’s ghar ki laaj (house’s honour). Imagine Katreena Kaif, married and having a year old kid in real life and dancing to Chikni Chameli. Ufff, what horror, no? Imagine Kareena dancing to ‘Halkat jawani’ after she gets married. Just like thanda (cold) tea! It’s not as if actresses have not tried it. Post marriage and two sons, Madhuri moved her torso in Aaja Nachle like a building in an 8.3 magnitude earthquake. Somehow the audience could not get the point. They were too confused to react.
And remember Rekha rolling in mud with Akshay Kumar and hanging from the hair on his chest and singing ‘In the night, no control’? The audience lapped it up with a faint hope of her unblemished everlasting virginity.
Kajol was an exception but somehow we believe she a) did not do enough item numbers to titillate the Indian male b) had a square jaw c) had the gait of Marlon Brando.
Our legendary directors have banked so heavily on this obsession of us men that ever since we attained independence, they have churned out hit movies and songs glorifying the kamsin (God knows what this bloody word means), nadaan (naive), nazuk (soft) leading ladies who shudder at every touch of our hero, who dare not commit a bhool (sex sin) amidst heavy rain and lightning and even if they did, they would repent it for the rest of their kati patang-ish (cut kite-ish) life. This has been petrol on the fires that burn in the hearts of us men. We have also picked up details from our movies like eve-teasers always get the girls in the end but let’s not go there.
We, the Indian the men, know that we are never going to meet the virginal females who appear on a two-dimensional screen but they ignite enough desires in us to manifest our fantasies in real life. Stop any guy on the road and ask him whether he wants a wife who is a virgin and pat comes the reply – Of course! What a ridiculous question! My heart has always burnt in virginal oils.
What about your sir? Are you a virgin?
No, I had sex with a poster once.
Errr, that doesn’t count.
Ok. I went to a hill-station with friends once. We paid a call girl to go with us.
So, you are not a virgin yourself?
How does that matter?
Well, that is how it has been in our culture-vulture.
That is why all our heroes are married and have kids but an actress waits till her last egg to get married.
That is why female fans are very adjusting. They are fine drooling over balding, middle-aged, father-of-two heroes. They are not seasoned to attach virginity to men. It will be like attaching a sari to Poonam Pandey or an underwear to dirty Harry.
That is why we make sure that the bride is a virgin no matter that the groom has slept with every woman and animal in town.
Yes, we like our virgins. Sunny side up.
[image from 1]
Oh my Gawd, I can’t stop laughing!!! It was like a breeze of fresh air, coming from a man! 🙂 Loved it!!!! Sharing! 🙂
Thank you Akanksha for liking the post and laughing. 🙂 I was a bit worried about using the Hindi phrases which we men use behind closed doors. 🙂
Loved those ‘behind closed door’ phrases! Those stood out and took the post to another level! 😀
Thanks. I am such a traitor. 😦
good one!! Liked it!!
I agree. In the past women didn’t watch movies as much as men did, I think as more women start watching movies, the heroes too would change.
All these heroes with dhai kilo ka hath, winning the woman by showing her her place (at the hero’s mother’s feet) would change when more women start watching movies I think… maybe then we would see movies that would be more like our TV serials 😦
IHM, I think our mainstream cinema does not cater to women at all. It is busy fulfilling the fancies of men.
Also, I am not sure if movies like TV serials will be a good idea. They are equally regressive.
Our only hope is in meaningful cinema completely taking over Bollywood. And for that, we have to stop liking our virgins. 🙂
Heartily agree! too good…
Thanks numerounity. 🙂
awesome post yet again.. totally agree 🙂
Thanks Roshan. 🙂
I still do not understand how can anybody tolerate a man who is nearing 60s as a hero??
I fail to see the excitement. I mean are those women who watch such men blind?
I find Arjun Rampal already boring!
Well, Rajnikant is a legend and has a huge fan following and we should not be saying bad things about him. 🙂
If one of his fan finds this post, he will hack into my account and delete all my posts.
I don’t think its the women who like him as much as the men. Errr I know its weird. 🙂
It isn’t weird at all. It is animal evolution. The dick will stay functional for quite some time and hence the prolonged primal urge to impregnate (someone still producing eggs, at least). It is part idolizing and part “if he can do it, why can’t I?” So the men aren’t drooling over Rajni, they are “aspiring” to _be_ him.
I think deriving vicarious pleasures from the dick of a 60 year old man by believing that he is young and can do ‘it’ with young women is weird. 🙂
I completely understand the ‘aspiring’ part. In India, the actor is bigger than everything else in a movie.
I agree!! Once our heroines do the khaandaan ki izzat mitti mein mila di thingy, they are a maathe pe kalank and kya yahi din dekhne ke liye tujhe paida kiya tha! Kulta kahi doob mar!
Can’t stop laughing! 😀
OMG! You can get a job writing dialogues for Ekta Kapoor’s serials. 😀
Thanks Maddie. 🙂
I totally agree.
The Hindi phrases took the post to a whole new level.
Thanks My Era. 🙂
a bit harsh and a bit too late in the 2000s. Not relevant in the Metros to a large extent, but i can understand that this is true for the majority of indian population.
Was it harsh? I was trying to be sarcastic. 🙂
I think it is not relevant to a small, tiny polulation of men in the metros but they are exceptions. We still live in a society where arranged marriges are the norm and talking or discussing your virginity is a complete taboo in such cases.
Also, our actresses still think twice before marrying during the peak of their career. Most of them don’t. I think it is very much ‘in’ even in 2012. 🙂
“a square jaw” – crazy stuff ! and remember Rajni never gets older ;)! Mind it!
Don’t you think she has a square jaw? 🙂
I know, but one day he will be really old. Hopefully. Fingers crossed.
I wanted to say, how could you do this to Rajini?! but yes, you are bloddy right. This is also why there are way too many heroines and too few heroes in most industries. That said, I am not too sure of how much virginal our guys want their spouses to be in most cities I know of today. Personally, I know of folks who don’t care too much about it. Real nice post!
Aha! A Rajini fan. 🙂
I think there is a very tiny minority for whom virginity is not an issue. I would like to believe that their tribe is growing but we still have a long way to go as a nation.
Thanks Arch. 🙂
Well said Amit!
heh! I can’t figure out where the charm is with a man who is romancing a heroine who is his daughter’s age!!
I don’t watch such movies…
and Virginity is totally overrated in our society! I dont see what the charm is with inexperience of any sort!
I think it charms a lot of men in our country. Personally, I haven’t seen the last two mega-blockbusters of Rajini sir. With all due respect, I know I will die laughing.
The charm with inexperience is that our nosy society loves it. How else will we poke a person to death by our pearls of wisdom?
Errr…I dindt get the usage of Hindi *Gasp* so I went back to read it and came back wondering how wonderful a writer can you get 🙂
You didn’t? Were the translations in brackets not helpful?
Thanks R’s mom. You are awesome too. 🙂
hilarious..I had fun reading your post 🙂
Thanks Lazy Pineapple. I am glad. 🙂
LOL this is a hilarious post! Loved the smattering of Hindi-Urdu words throughout. 🙂
One awesome writer you are! You know, you should have your own column in a newspaper! 😀
I found the post to be chilling too. Chilling, and sad.
Thanks TGND. 🙂 Thoda Zyada ho gaya. I don’t think I am newspaper stuff. They will throw me out in sometime. 🙂
Anyways, thanks for all the praise.
we do not look at someone else’s women with galat nigaah (wrong eyes), unless we are in a group, completely drunk, have a car at our disposal and know of a desolate place nearby.
Hahahah 😀 Talk about putting things in perspective! 😛
My heart has always burnt in virginal oils.
Where do you come up with this stuff!!! 😀 😀 LOL!
Kajol I think managed to be an exception to this rule of ‘being married’ or being over-the-hill once they cross 30…. so did Aishwarya Rai…. but they are in a different league altogether.
A 60 year old Aishwarya Rai with Hrithik Roshan’s son. You really have imagination don’t you?
I respect Kajol a lot for the way she handled her life. I have great respect for people who keep their personal lives above their professional lives.
I read her interview once in which she said – “Why should I compromise with the quality of films I am doing? They are not my bread and butter.”
She was the only sensible actress of our times.
My imagination runs wild at times. I do not have the courage to write half of the stuff my brain cooks. 😉
Love your subtle ( or was it ? ) sarcasm. It’s good to know there are traitors like you in the Indian men world. Awesome post (yet again).
I don’t think it was subtle. 🙂
And I am happy to be a traitor.
There is actually nothing wrong in a man romancing a woman half his age. But what is wrong is that everybody objects to a woman romancing a man half her age. As you have correctly pointed out. I guess it’ll change too, with time, slowly.
Oh yes definitely, there is nothing wrong with that. What I find wrong is how this is projected in Bollywood. I cannot understand the idea of using makeup and wigs to age down a man so that he can be cast opposite a women half his age. I will be equally disgusted if this is done the other way round but it won’t be done and therein lies the hypocrisy.
😀 Didn’t realise it was a man who wrote it till I got to the very end and read the comments. Coming from a woman, such a post would seem like a giant statement of the obvious.. Strange that men care enough about sexual hypocrisy to write about it / acknowledge it.
Good fun, though!
Phew! I guess the next time I will make my gender very obvious in my posts. 🙂
//Strange that men care enough about sexual hypocrisy to write about it / acknowledge it
It is not that strange. There are loads of guys like me. 🙂
Hahahahaha! I loved the post!
You’re a sarcastic genius!
And if I get started on the Rajnikath nonsense, I don’t think I’d ever shut up!
Thanks Happy go lucky and welcome here. 🙂
You always do an impressive job at highlighting social ills with a roll-on-the-floor humor. Throughout the post as you peeled one layer after the other I didn’t know if I should be depressed or laugh loudly. Ofcouse I picked the later because it’s rare to get such opportunities!
I think you are supposed to have a depressed laughter although I am not sure how to do that. 🙂
Thanks for your comment Priyank.
lol.. i am here in ur blog for first time, and read a great post..
i think things are changing with more men showing up their body and doing item songs.. 🙂
hope rajini fans dont read the post.. even if they agree to every point of urs, they wouldn’t openly accept rajini to be old.. 😛
Thanks ashreyamom and welcome here. 🙂
And all the men who are showing their body are married. 🙂
I know. Fingers crossed.
hilarious; totally enjoyed reading the post- very topical and laced with humour ; the hindi behind the door phrases was a riot:)
Thanks Priya. 🙂
I can’t stop laughing! Superb piece of writing LOL! I don’t know about Kajol’s square jaw…but there was a movie in which she starred opposite to Bobby Deol…and boy did he look puny 😉
Would like to share this if you don’t mind 🙂
Yeah, that must be Gupt, the one with Manisha Koirala. 🙂
Yes, please go ahead. 🙂
I liked this post for many reasons. Mainly, to say the truth – that Kajol has a square jaw 😀 Because every time that I have not shown any excitement about her, I have only been ostracised.
Jokes apart, it was a thoroughly entertaining read. 🙂
Ps: kids or not, stretch marks or not, I think Malaika Arora Khan is awesome. So do many men I know 🙂
Finally someone who agrees with me about the jaw!!! I found her attractive, a bit. 🙂
Yeah, Malaika is kind of good but I somehow do not like the fact that whenever she comes on the screen, all I can see is a pair of very very long legs. 🙂
My bow for your vivid crazy extraordinary sarcastic and pertinent imagination 😉
Did I miss any other adjectives??
Thanks Bhavia for all the adjectives. No, you didn’t miss anything. In fact it will take me a while to digest all these. 🙂
that’s a brilliant brilliant post!! no one can question a single line on this post. long back, i wrote a post on eve teasers getting the girl in movies. and that’s what people learn from the movies or rather movies are made to entertain such audience.
i have no issues with a 60-year-old man playing the hero in a movie. a hero doesn’t necessarily have to fight with 100 people or jump from a 10-storey building (but apparently that’s what they do in Hindi movies). we don’t associate real life of a hero with his reel life but when it comes to female actors, we become a little senti 😀 because we have been assuming that one day she would quit her movie career and marry us :D.
excellent post again!!
Thanks Deb. 🙂
About, eve teasers, well I thought that should be a separate post. I have to filter out a few movies as examples.
//that one day she would quit her movie career and marry us// Hahaha! Yeah I know. That is how stupid we can get.
This is a brilliant post! How do you think of such things? I laughed out loud much to amusement of the people in my bay.
I was hoping you would write the meaning of ‘kamsin’ in brackets. I have been wondering what this means after Chikni Chameli.
Thanks metherebel. 🙂
I have seen my friends doing that so I know. 🙂
Kamsin….hmmmm…let me think. I think it means tender and soft and it somehow does not go with Chikni. You cannot be a Kamsin Chikni.
Actually I meant I have heard this word in the song Chikni Chameli 🙂
Ya ya. I got it. I was just fooling around. 😛
😀 😀 😀
hehehehe!!! But why just Rajni ? How can you not remember Big B? Remember all the Toofans and the JAdugars and the Shahenshahs??? But howlarious post, nonetheless! “Sunny side up” 🙂 !
Not just Rajini, there are loads of them including Big B, Mammootty, Kamal Kasan, Chiranjivi, SRK, Salman, Aamir. The list is endless.
Thanks Nirvana. 🙂
Hey! Congrats on the Tangy Tuesday Pick – well deserved!
Thanks Nirvana. 🙂
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Thank God you have not watched MGR romancing with 16 years ‘kali’ or else you could have added few more paragraphs to enjoy!
Of course, how could I forget the legendary MGR. No, I haven’t seen any of his films but have read about him. He was a legend for too long. 🙂
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Amit, Amit, Amit…
Errr..Does this mean you liked the post?
hahahaha…awesome post and that too coming from a man 🙂 🙂
I remember watching a scene from some black and white bollywood movie where the hero proposes the heroine by saying: “Kya tum mere bacho ki maa banogi?”
I am like dude….seriously???
//Kya tum mere bacho ki maa banogi?
Hahaha! Can’t even imagine someone saying that.
Thanks for liking the post. 🙂
Stand up and applauds! What an awesome post, Amit! In your humorous way, you have hit the nail on the head errr… on the kachi kali fantasy. Just hearing those terms makes me go into fits of laughter.
Thanks Rachna. 🙂
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I like your style of writing! Thanks for the honesty! A very rare trait indeed 🙂 Now, what i fail to understand is why is sleeping around thought to be a huge sign of progress of a country? And that too, in the times of AIDS and what not!! Strange!!
Here’s to more such honest posts! 🙂
Thanks for all the appreciation. 🙂
Sleeping around is not a huge sign of progress, it is a sign of freedom. I do not have to take permissions from anyone if I am an adult and want to sleep around. Ditto for raising babies, marriage, wearing clothes and choosing careers.
And I can have AIDS even if I am a virgin. Remember needles? 🙂
awesome post,. you are BLESSED with some exceptional writing skills., excellent.
be happy keep smiling.
Thanks Veera. 🙂
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Hahahaha… You are THE sarcasm king… What a post… Every line was so true and so funny. Rajni fans are going to come running to your blog reading your objection to Rajni-Ash romance.. 😀
PS: Chitrangada Singh is one lone exception…. She looks hot.. 😉
Thanks Saanjh. 🙂
Haha! I am not objecting to anything. Just sharing my views. 🙂
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Great post 🙂
Hilarious yet thought provoking !!
I believe age is just a number and there is nothing wrong about an older man/woman romancing a younger man/woman. What perhaps is weird is that it only works one way in Indian cinema and even then the older man is made to look younger with exorbitantly apparent make-up. Perhaps the romance in ‘Cheeni Kum’ was not as unacceptable to us as the one in ‘Dil Chahta Hai’ (even the female character was made to find it unacceptable in the movie). The older woman romancing a younger guy is likely to be labelled as a ‘cougar’ while it’s business as usual for characters played by Rajni !
Gotta go and have some quality time with the posters on my wall now 🙂
OMG!.. coming from a male, this is very welcoming! hilarious throughout but thought provoking. we keep on shouting at the top of our voices that hindi cinema is a reflection of what are society is.. partly true but sadly it portrays what the patriarch of this society has preached, practiced and circulated through ages and wants it to encrypt into the minds of each generation. the other sad part is that we as a fraternity are soooo very much influenced by this cinema that we consider it true and start practicing it…
I agree. When you see an irresponsible medium so blatantly followed, it is scary.