How to shop with a lady and stay sane

Some things are more complex than the relationship between powerful and power-hungry nations, more mind-boggling than unravelling the secrets of the Universe and more insane than the fabric of our societies.

If you have ever gone shopping with a lady, you will understand my point – that nothing can be more intricate than accompanying a woman to shop and it needs perseverance of a monk and heart of a samurai.

It’s a delicate subject. I would not remotely imagine offending a lady with my crude tips but it’s an art every man needs to learn. There are games within games. Chess moves you have to understand. It’s bloody difficult, I know, and hence I have come up with this tender guide so that the men could at least try.

  1. Breathe. It will ease the pain.

You will feel very anxious when you will realise that it is going to be a long day. Take a deep breath before you enter the mall. It helps. Inhale loads of air and look at the Sun. God knows after how long you will see it again. Even if you don’t believe it, keep telling yourself that things could have been worse.

  1. Keep smiling. Curb all your feeling bordering strangulation.

The lady will have a tendency to put every dress/top/overcoat/jumper etc on her torso, flash all her teeth and go – “How do I look honey?” You will need to steel your heart at that moment. “You look amazing!!!” Smile. Breathe. Imaging a punching bag. Punch it hard.

  1. Don’t stare at other women. Ever.

Not even at the posters, especially the lingerie ones. You will find many attractive women roaming around. Don’t make the mistake of drooling over them. Your lady might buy more to take revenge and you are giving her the perfect excuse on a platter. Even if you stare and she catches you, make an excuse like – “Did you see that walking scarecrow?”

  1. Play an action game while she is in the trial room. Try Mortal Combat.

This will act as the perfect stress buster. Kill some enemies. Bathe in their blood. Depending on your monetary target (see point 10), smile/Ughh!! at her dress when she comes out of the trial room, and then go back to the killings.

  1. Keep something to eat so that you don’t starve.

Keep a chocolate or something in your pocket for pity’s sake before your stomach growls and scare half of the ladies away. The men with them might kiss your feet for this favour but that won’t help you, will it? Your lady will turn absolutely ruthless once she is on the prowl and you might have to skip lunch. She will keep on saying – “I am stahhrrvving” and keep on shopping as if she is suffering from short-term memory loss like that guy in Memento. Don’t try your luck too hard.

  1. Don’t stop her from picking something. It’s Futile.

You must know by now that saying something like – “This probably won’t look good on you” will have the exact opposite effect. She will pick it up, turn it both ways and say – “Let’s try and see.” You might have better chances at surviving a pack of sharks than making a success out of this foolhardy crappy one liner.

  1. She might buy a handbag instead of a bra. Get used to it.

A friend of mine told me once that he went with his wife to buy a sofa and came back home with a pair of bathroom slippers. Yes, she is like a lightening bolt. You will have no idea where she will fall.

  1. It’s not over till she has the receipt.

She might try her new clothes at home again and not like them or would like to get a smaller/larger size or a different colour. Now you have already sacrificed your Saturday and you can visualize your Sunday going down the drain too. Try the following – a) burn the receipts or b) swallow them with a glass of water or c) make her look at the beautiful sky and throw them out of the car. Also, praise her as her humble admirer when she tries the clothes at home.

  1. Never Ever forget your credit card at home.

If you tell her that you have forgotten your card at home it will be you who will have to drive all the way back to get it while she shops around alone. Don’t even try to get around that one. In addition, she will keep reminding you how callous you are becoming. She will sulk even after you get the card and there won’t be any sex for a few days.

  1. All clothes above a monetary target are ugly

You know how much you can spend. Keep doing the calculations while she picks up the clothes and try them on. Keep smiling and encouraging her. The moment you hit the ceiling, start making ugly faces at the rest of the clothes. No, she won’t think that you are a retard. You were smiling earlier, remember? That will work in your favour. Since you were encouraging her earlier, she will be confused now. Very Confused. You can even alternate between “This is great!” and “This is shit!” so that she doesn’t smell anything fishy. Finally, if you are lucky and clever, she will be left with the clothes within your budget.

 So this is it. Go. Try. Implement. Fall. Rise. Fall again. Rise again.

Play well.

(images from – http://hiddenplaygrounds.blogspot.in/2011/11/shopping-men-vs-women.htmlhttp://festivalsadvices.com/christmas-shopping-women/http://gamerant.com/top-10-mortal-kombat-characters-benk-78857/all/1/,

47 comments on “How to shop with a lady and stay sane

    • Haha! As Matt said, sometimes you don’t have a choice. 🙂
      Anyways, its a fun post.
      Geet loves to shop and she has this amazing capacity but it gives us the time to roam around hand in hand. So, I am not complaining. But, yeah it’s tiring after two hours. 🙂 And she thinks I have this amazing capacity for watching movies. So we are even. 🙂

  1. Sometimes, her friends just aren’t an option and you have to step up… thank you for this, you have given hope where only darkness was prevalent…

    • Yes, absolutely. Sometimes there is no other go.
      I am glad that I became the light at the end of the tunnel. We all are born for a purpose.

  2. Ouch! I agree with IHM…why not send her shopping with the company of like-minded people?

    Personally I don’t identify with this post at all. I belond to the rare category of women who don’t like shopping – except maybe once in a while for something specific that is actually required. My patience runs out if u have to sift through endless amounts of clothes with no ending.

  3. I agree wholeheartedly. In our case though, it is reverse. It is the hubby who roams around the mall and I stand still. And no amount of convincing is tolerated. If he wants to buy the bright purple shirt, he will!! :((

    • Well, I manage to irritate Geet sometimes. If I don’t like something, I might not buy anything and come back empty handed. She finds it insane. 🙂
      And, yes, the same purple-shirt-syndrome stands for me too. If I like something, I’ll buy it.

  4. How I wish I could shop like this 🙂 I get bored if I can’t find what I want in a few attempts – husband is more perseverant in our case 🙂 And I am the one who carries the credit card too 😦 I can never rely on husband to remember to carry things like wallets or money 🙂

    • Haha! That is a role reversal. 🙂
      I guess every couple is different in that sense. Geet can shop for hours and money and credit cards are always my responsibility. She then very sweetly sits through a Hollywood movie with me. 🙂

  5. This is post soooo good. Reminded me of my first year of marriage when I insisted my husband come for all my shopping coz “I WANTED TO WEAR WHAT HE LIKED. I WANTED TO DRESS UP FOR HIM. FOR HIS EYES ONLY” And then the futility of it all struck for the above reasons you gave 🙂 It is so much easier to shop with one’s girlfriends….but yes we still don’t forget to carry his credit card with us :):)

    • Thanks Vandana and welcome to my blog.
      Well you could dress for him even if he doesn’t shop with you. 🙂 I think it depends on the couple. I like shopping with my wife but I do set a time limit. I can’t walk for the whole day. 🙂

  6. i’m the kind who wants to buy a jeans/top, has a colour in mind, knows the size — so walks in, and come out in 20 mins max, with or without a pick 😀 all my friends HATE going shopping with me. I’m avoided like the plague. bah!

  7. I feel you failed to add a disclaimer at the beginning of this post stating in clear bold text “MEN ONLY” as the ladies who read this post, may well be up in arms.

    Sometimes I wonder if women would qualify for 8th wonder of the world?

    • Yes, I should have! 🙂 Most of the ladies who have commented are not like the ones I have described which is good actually and which sadly disqualifies the gender from being the 8th wonder. 🙂

    • Thanks Deboshree. 🙂
      Yes, it is very very hard and my sole purpose to write this manual was to help all the poor males out there. 🙂

  8. Oops… I am laughing hard at your plight. Lovely writing. I have been through some of your old posts and totally envy you for such a control over words.

  9. Ha ha ha…
    Good one..
    Well, I am like.. a slight bit different.. If i like something, it’s like in a second, and it’s bought and shopping over.. and if i don’t find what i like..i keep going on and on and on, and return empty handed..
    So, my shopping can be anywhere between half hour to 3 hours.. 🙂

    • Yeah, that is how most of the girls are. Then there are some who even after liking something will spend the whole day in the mall and then at the end of the day pick up the thing they liked in the beginning. 🙂
      Oh yes, most of the girls do that nowadays which is really good. 🙂

  10. Well … I found myself lucky in terms of shopping…..
    My wife and I converge at almost everything being it a dress or a sofa…..

    we buy with the most minimal time to decide… Its like being binary either 0 or 1…..

    or either we both would come out of the shop empty handed…

    I m blessed with a real gud wife….

  11. Pingback: Its time I answer some questions | Mashed Musings

  12. Pingback: No Buy November | The Style Submarine

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