How to enjoy Monsoon in Gurgaon

Monsoon is such a cheerful season in India. We might say that it is especially auspicious for farmers who spend half of their lives looking at the sky like wolves during a full moon and develop serious neck ailments in the process but monsoon holds a special place in the hearts of city folks too who are oblivious of farmer suicides, droughts and food grain wastage and keep wondering why the middle class is in a perpetual state of inflation.

The slick dwellers of NCR have a special place for monsoon in their hearts. If you compare Delhi, Noida and Gurgaon, then Gurgaon wins hands-on just for the sheer brilliance of the way monsoon water is utilized for the entertainment of the people living and working here. Ever since I have witnessed the first downpour here, I am all praise for the Gurgaon administration for developing such unique ways to keep the mentally and emotionally bruised citizens happy.

Waterfalls and Free Car wash

Now if you have been to Gurgaon, you will know that NH 8 to Jaipur passes through it and most of it is elevated. So a lot of IT and non-IT slaves and masters pass under the highway to reach their camps. Any short-sighted administration would have put holes on either side of the highway and put pipes to the ground and into the drains so that any rainwater collecting on the highway can be drained out but Gurgaon administration are smart thinkers. We do have holes here but no pipelines. So when it rains, we see serene, multiple, equidistant waterfalls pouring gallons of water on the worker bees trying to pass below it. It is such a beautiful sight that you would be tempted to run under the waterfalls with a Liril soap in your hand. And it acts as a car wash as well. If you align your car in the correct position, you could pass it under a number of waterfalls and get it cleaned free of cost.

River Rafting

You can very easily come to the conclusion that there are no drains in Gurgaon by the near flood like situation after a five minute downpour. You will see wild rivers running on the roads trying to find a hole to get into and failing miserably. The situation is so overwhelming that it can give Rishikesh a run for its money for water sports. You can raft your way to your office, you could swim and be healthy or you could splash water on each other and sing Tip-tip-barsa-paani. Now what better start of the day?

Lovely Beaches

You can buy beach recliners and relax on any of the footpaths (if they are not already taken up by auto-rickshaws, cars or trucks) in a soothing man made beach simulator. As water is clogged in heaps on both sides of the roads, any vehicle which passes by will create artificial ripples similar to waves lapping the shore. You can chai-chapa-chai-chapak-chai with your loved one as the waves touch your feet and give you a romantic ambience. Please ignore the vehicular smoke and occasional mud splashes on your face and do not expect a starfish or sea-shells to wash ashore. There is a limit to which the Gurgaon administration can be imaginative.

Canoe and picnics

Now if you are one of the very few lucky ones who have purchased a ground floor flat in Gurgaon, you can enjoy a lake side family picnic right in your drawing room after it is flooded with rain water. You can buy a canoe for your kid that he can row around as you play cards with your wife on the floating sofa and eat sandwiches. You can skip pebbles on the lake, catch earthworms and play collect-cans-and wrappers (the person who collects the maximum amount of garbage floating in your house with the rainwater wins). After this, you can go and stand under the highway and take a bath under the waterfall.

Lessons in Patience

If you stand next to a road in Gurgaon and scream ‘rain’ four times, there will be a traffic jam in seconds. The Gurgaon administration has tactfully created very narrow roads all over the city so that they could conduct their own free of cost ‘art of living’ programme. A few years back, I got stuck in such a jam for seven hours – waterless and appleless. It was such a profound lesson in patience that I thank the administration of Gurgaon till date with humble tears in my eyes. You realise how important this lesson is when you reach your office and are surrounded by morons.

It has been such an enriching and entertaining experience working in Gurgaon. There are very few cities in the world where rain water evaporates instead of getting drained. There are very few cities who look after their citizens so passionately and with such care. I haven’t talked about the electricity situation here which is another programme under ‘art of living’ OR the fact that a lot of people go to malls to brush their teeth and take a bath because there is no water in their house. I am specially covering monsoon here.

And lo! As I finish this post, the heavy downpour has started again. Time to go and enjoy a few of the attractions!

Role Reversal

In an alternate reality,where men are taught to be vulnerable from the time they are born, where they are considered the weaker sex –

Rahul was sitting in a pub with his friend drinking beer. He was conscious of a gang of girls constantly eyeing him. His first thought was that he should not have worn that tight T-shirt showing his muscular arms and chest. He got up to leave. It was almost 12 and his father was calling him constantly to make sure he was all right. He said goodbye to his friend and moved towards his car. All of a sudden, another car screeched to a halt in front of him. The girls who have been eyeing him all night leapt out of the car and dragged him inside. He cried for help but no one bothered. His friend who saw all that happen called the police. The reply he got was – He is not raped yet.

The girls kept slapping and punching him, passed lewd comments and tore off his clothes. He pleaded but they laughed. Then one of them squeezed his balls. Before he fainted, he saw a steel rod in the hand of one of the girls.

The shame tore him apart. He felt dirty all over. His family blamed him. Why was he wearing such provocative clothes? It was his fault. Media and general public pounced on him. Why was he there in the pub at such a late hour? Why was he dressed that way? He asked for it, they said.

*

There has been an alarming rise in male feticide in the country. The Prime Minister has strictly asked the state governments to take action against this menace. Even after so many campaigns, the government is not able to save millions of boys who have been killed ever since we have gained independence. The practice is more prevalent in cities. The general consensus is that boys are a burden to the family. This is decreasing the male population at an alarming rate.

“It’s a female dominated society. It will take a long time to change the mindset of women.” A male minister said on account of anonymity.

*

Sitara Devi have had enough. She asked her daughter to immediately stop the education of her four sons. She was the Sarpanch of the village and things were getting out of hand ever since they have started educating the boys.

“What good education will do for them? Eventually, each one of them will get married and leave for his wife’s house. He will make food for his in-laws and help his wife to conceive. Instead of studying, they should start earning to help with their dowry.” Sitara Devi said.

“I will never forgive my husband for making me give birth to these four monsters. Has he no control over his Y chromosome? He already gets a good beating everyday from my mother for burdening us. Who will arrange for the entire dowry? All he does is sit at home and cook.” Sitara Devi’s daughter said.

Sitara Devi dotes on her grand-daughter Tara.

“Tara will become a doctor one day and carry my family tree forward,” she said.

*

There has been an alarming rise in male molestation cases throughout the country. Males fear to venture out in the dark and it is not considered safe to go out alone. The law and order situation has been questioned numerous times by the Male Rights organizations in the last few months.

“We are subjected to acute animalism in all the spheres of life. I cannot travel peacefully in a bus. There are always females staring at me or touching me here and there. Why can’t I live with the dignity which is the right of every citizen of this country? Why am I treated as an object?” A crying Tinku (name changed) said who has been a victim of numerous molestations as he travels to his college in a local bus frequented by lady goons.

“We cannot take this anymore. We will raise our voice against these inhuman acts. This matriarchal society is killing the coming generation of men, not only physically (by raping and burning men for dowry) but also emotionally (by molesting and making unwanted rules for them).” Mr. Albert, who is a prominent male right activist, said.

*

In a bizarre incident in Delhi Metro yesterday, a man was slapped by a woman because he was travelling in a general coach instead of the men’s only coach.

“A female was leaning on him and ogling at his assets. When he objected, she asked him to leave and sit in men’s coach. When he tried to raise his voice, he was slapped and thrown on the ground.” An eye-witness said.

“Why can’t men travel in their coach? Why do they come in general coach and take our seats?” A female passenger said who later added that the male population was anyways less, so one coach was enough for them.

*

Sunil was not very happy. He had not bargained for this. Since he was born, he was told by his father that a man should always keep his wife and her parents happy and getting married and bringing up a child was the only goal of a man. He was pampered in his home, although his mother was not very keen on giving him so much freedom. After all he was a boy –  Paraya Dhan.  When Sunil got married and went to his wife’s house, he was in for a shock. His mother-in-law made it very clear to him that in addition to his job, he had to do all the household work and food should be on the table by 9 pm. He was not allowed to wear jeans or shorts. He could only wear traditional Indian clothes like Kurta Pyjama and Dhoti Kurta. He tried to talk to his wife but she told him that her mother’s decision is final. He felt suffocated.

*

Sounds strange? What if this alternate reality becomes the reality? Will the men be able to survive it? I will choke to death if I had to lead such a life. Will we not cry for equality, for respect? I will. And if we will, then why is it so difficult to change our sickening, unbearable, medieval reality?

If men cannot bear the thought of living such a life, then who gave us the right to inflict it?

Ek Main Aur Ekk Tu & Dinner table discussions

Who could have thought that Ek Main Aur Ekk Tu will spark off dazzling dinner table debates at home? I saw the movie with mom, dad, sis and Geet (yeah! Polly has been rechristened Geet. It was long overdue). Although the movie was above average, it broke many boundaries around how girls are expected to behave in our society. The movie projected the female protagonist as someone who had 6 past relationships, who had a great capacity for beer, who likes her personal space, is not worried that she is 27 and not married and can talk freely of sex and can rate a guy’s and her own butt.

*spoiler ahead*

I loved the fact that even though the guy acted like a typical guy and took she-is-roaming-with-me-and-introducing-me-to-her-family as she-loves-me, the girl stood her ground and did not buckle under the pressure. She wanted him as a friend and that’s that. They still annul their marriage. And she does not care that he is super rich.

*spoiler ends*

We have seen similar movies before – Salaam Namaste, Mere Brother Ki Dulhan, Kya Kehna, Jab We Met and many others where the female leads are strong. Similarly Ek Main Aur Ekk Tu made the female protagonist much powerful than her male counterpart which is very rare in Bollywood movies. It gave her the right to decide in the end.

Now, before I indulge you with our dinner table debates, I must tell you that dad is quite cool with guys and girls befriending each other and going out for movies and parties. He has never stopped me or my sister from enjoying ourselves, although they are more cautious with sis. They are also comfortable with the whole girlfriend-boyfriend-affair-shaffair scenarios. Of course, dad and mom say things like it’s against our culture and stuff but they hardly believe it themselves. They just have to say it to maintain the Indian-culture façade (the same way you mechanically brush your teeth when you wake up) so that we don’t mistake them to be dangerously liberal.

The whole debate was about Dad having a problem with couples staying together without marriage. Okay, I know this doesn’t go with what happened in the movie but he was commenting about Kareena Kapoor and Saif Ali Khan. He could not understand Bipasha and John also who were together since the Big bang and then separated. He might have a point here but then I reminded him that everyone in question were adults and we do not have any right to question what they do in their personal lives. You know where this is going right?

Dad thinks that we live in a society and we have to live by its rules. Why do you have to live with a guy for 5 years and then jump partners after you get bored with him (he meant – after you had sex with him)? There is nothing sacrosanct in the whole affair.

I told him (in less obvious terms) that maintaining your virginity before marriage does not make the whole affair sacrosanct. That is a bit outdated. Secondly, everyone look out for new partners if things do not work out between couples. You don’t have to turn into a nun after your first breakup. Thirdly, our society is the most nosey and hypocrite society in this world. We are fine with girl infanticide, child labor, rapes, corruption, riots, dowry and so many other evils but we find it very objectionable when two consenting adults (who have the right to choose our Prime Minister) live together. It’s actually none of our business. *mom, sis and Geet nodded vigorously*

And this went on and on. It was funny because although dad saw my point in the end, my parents find it very hard to believe that our society has changed so much. I did not tell them that a lot of people have sex with their partners before they get married. I also did not tell them that Geet and I saw a college going couple kissing each other for 1 ½ hours as we watched Source Code in the theatre. It might be too much for them.

I can understand where he is coming from. He was brought up by a disciplinarian who locked up his daughter in the toilet if he found her talking to a boy. My parents were not very liberal with me and my sis initially. They had their apprehensions. Giving their son certain freedom might lead to their daughter asking something similar. But they loosened up and thankfully so. They still raise their eyebrows at sis at times, but she is a maverick. And I am outside their radar ever since I married Geet.

Frankly speaking, I myself would not have been very comfortable about a live-in but that certainly does not mean that I would pass judgment on anyone choosing it. It is also important to understand that movies like Ek Main Aur Ekk Tu explore just one end of the spectrum. India is too diverse in its thoughts and opinions that accepting what happened in the movie as a norm would be foolish. Also, we have to understand that only a small percentage of our generation (especially urban) has moved ahead and understood that the nose is to smell the roses and not to poke in someone’s affairs. The rest of the present generation and a majority of the older one is tied to its belief system. They live in a matrix of society, wired into its complicated circuit.

But yes, whether we like it or not, there is a change and it’s happening right under our nose.

Love Compatibility for same sex couples

Polly (my wife) and I sometimes puff up like a puffer fish (with pride, not alarm) when we remember that we got a love compatibility score of 33 out of 36 when our horoscopes were matched. For those who are not faint hearted, horoscope matching used to be a complicated process which required an astrologer who has studied the science of matchmaking. Based on the planetary positions at your birth time and 36 qualities in a human being, the astrologer calculated the compatibility and predicted if coupling was possible. It ended up with a number of charts which looked like a football field crisscrossed with a number of lines, something similar to the signs which lesser creative aliens have left on our corn fields.

Lagna Chart

Now a day, the whole process just needs a software. While our parents still go the old fashioned way, we always confirm the output on the software installed on our laptops in case the astrologer was too drunk to make out anything.

The software requires the couple to put their birthdates, gender, birth place and time (very important as a deviation of a second will alter the planetary positions and your life) and it will match the horoscopes. By the way, how do you determine birth time? Is it the moment your head pops out or the moment the umbilical cord is cut? Just curious.

Anyways, the software is useful after marriage too.  Sometimes, after a fight, Polly and I have re-checked the compatibility figure several times either to

  • make sure that it is still 33 out of 36 (It will scientifically never change because it depends on the planetary positions when you were born.)
  • check if there was a mistake initially and the astrologer was actually drunk and the software malfunctioned too which again is highly improbable.

It acts as a pacifier. After all, how bad can it get if you scored 33/36? You will always clink back like two opposite poles of a magnet.

This brings me to the point of writing this post. Yesterday Polly and I were discussing this whole horror-scope thingy and the talk steered towards providing a gay friendly addition to the software. Of course the software does not allow it. It recoils in horror and disables its buttons.

FireWhat if a guy wants to check his horoscope against another guy? There is simply no option. He can’t narrow down his search and has the whole ocean to fish. Now imagine how this can be successfully used in a lot of movies to show the anguish and confusion of a character. Imagine Nandita Das’s character in Fire using Kundli (Horoscope) matching software to understand her feelings towards Shabana Azmi’s character and finding to her horror/delight/something that the horoscopes match with a score of 35/36. Won’t this addition to the story make the characters infinitesimally poignant? Won’t it increase their hope for a better future and bring out the dilemma more vividly? Imagine Nandita throwing the horoscope printouts on her husband’s face and leave with Shabana towards the sunset.

Leave aside such complicated software, our very own good old Linda Goodman does not provide the solution. The tome does not talk about same gender love compatibility at all. There are numerous check-your-love-compatibility-now (!!!) websites also available, but you will never see something like this in them –

Love Compatibility men

or this –

Love Compatibility women

Now imagine Jake Gyllenhaal’s character in Brokeback Mountain picking up a Linda Goodman in a bookstore and open the Scorpio-man-Leo-man love compatibility page and found that Heath Ledger’s character was tailor made for him. Although, the movie won so many awards that if you pile them on top of each other, you can make an award beanstalk to the moon, but that is beside the point. Linda Goodman’s love signs for Gay men would have added the written-in-the-stars angle to the love story.

One wonders that even though we are becoming such a gay friendly planet, why we are neglecting the homosexual angle in astrology. It’s a big market if anyone wants to make money. After all it doesn’t take much to fool humans into believing that there are only 12 kind of people in the world or the planets control our lives.

Images taken from:

http://www.astrosagar.com/article.asp?id=57

http://www.desivideos.net/2007/03/15/fire-movie-hindi/

http://www.betterworldbooks.com/linda-goodman-s-love-signs-id-0060968966.aspx

http://entertainment.ezinemark.com/most-impressive-animated-couples-773651103d6d.html

Facebook photos uploading etiquettes

A lot of people go on holidays so that they could upload pictures on Facebook for various reasons. Enjoying with their family is the last thing on their mind. The reasons for uploading photos might vary from –

  • Making their friends jealous (Hey! Look at me! I am hanging in the air upside down! Stare Stare!)
  • Making their relatives jealous (Hey loser! dream on!)
  • Making their colleagues jealous (Work smart party hard suckers!)
  • Marinate in the comments (Lovely couple!! Beautiful Background!! Where did you go? I am sooo jealous of you guys! Blah!)
  • Collecting likes (A dislike button is the need of the hour)
  • To achieve inner satisfaction because people are jealous because they are happy.
  • Sharing them with their family and friends (Didn’t I tell you that this is the last thing on their mind?)

Now, We are not against all the photo uploading sho-sha but there should be a level of decency to be maintained. You really don’t have to behave like Mount Etna and erupt your trip lava on our wall. So, here is a list of tips which might help people actually go through your pictures instead of hurriedly liking them and putting bland comments and be done with it. Here goes:

1) We understand you like mountains and lakes and deserts and trees but can you please not click the same bloody mountain from all the sides and dump it on Facebook? Also, standing and giving different poses with the same tree makes you a retard. Mountain, mountain, mountain-man, mountain-sheep, mountain-cloud, mountain, mountain. Seriously?!?

2) We know you love your partner. You are madly in love. No one, and that means no one, can love each other as much as you two. But can you please not drip all of us in your honey scooped butter scotch love? We don’t like to see couples entangled with each other like two grasshoppers where you cannot differentiate where one starts and the other ends. And we don’t like to see people slurping each other like dogs.

love couple

That poor thing is going to drown!

3) Your dog and cat are great! They must be really unique but for us, they are just an animal. So, it gets a bit amusing to see your dog’s photo shoot in all its glory. We are sure that they could give more expressions than a lot of our Bollywood stars but that is no reason for them to pose nude on our wall.

4) Oh! You had a kid! That’s so adorable! The poor thing can’t even open his eyes yet, but you have already thrust a camera on his face scaring him out of his wits and forced him to make all those take-this-thing-off-me faces while you click him. Your kid is beautiful but try not to put a picture on Facebook of his diaper changing activities. That’s Gross. And also, try not to put those pictures of that white cereal paste hanging out of his mouth. That’s equally gross.

5) Sunrise and Sunsets! There are already millions of pictures of our only star popping in and out of the Earth, so please don’t bore us with another of those pictures unless you have taken them from a space shuttle on a mission to re-fuel the Sun. Ditto for flowers, birds and insects unless you have unearthed a new species.

6) We are sure you love adventure sports. So you went to this cool destination and enjoyed paragliding but can you please not upload twenty pictures of you flying over mountains? Honestly, we can barely make you out in those photos. You might have just googled them and posted them on Facebook just to make people jealous.

Skydiving

Are you sure you are in there?

7) We hate blurred and shaky pictures. It’s hard to understand the psyche of a person who uploads a photo of his left hand or his girlfriend’s breast or his kid’s foot. We understand you clicked such pictures accidentally and we give you a benefit of doubt that you uploaded them accidentally but there is ALWAYS a delete button. It’s not a nuke which you have deployed accidentally and can’t retrieve back. If you don’t have time to check your photos before uploading or after uploading them, then don’t fuc*ing upload them.

8) You went to a disc and had a lot of drinks and enjoyed with your friends. Great! Try not to dump all your evening on our wall. We really don’t like to see people getting drunk, dancing as if controlled by a random number generator, taking off their clothes one by one and puking on their friend’s face. You are not making us jealous. You are making us groan.

9) Pictures of Gods and weird Independence day and Republic day pictures also make us dizzy. “Jai Mata Di” is great but first make your life straight. And if you are uploading a “Proud to be an Indian” picture then stop bloody wasting your time on Facebook and do something worthy of being proud of. And those “Happy Diwali!!!” pics on our wall make us very dizzy. Our whole wall seems to be on fire.

10) Stop tagging us in every picture of yours even when we are nowhere in the pic. We are not your dog’s tail or your best friend’s ass. Spare us the embarrassment of moving our mouse on your sorry torso to find out which body part of yours is named after us.

I hope you understand the mental trauma we undergo while we browse through your photos and will try to make honest corrections.

Thanks,

Your fellow good for nothing Facebook addicts.

p.s. We must admit that we ourselves indulge in a lot of the above mentioned activities. So, don’t take the post seriously. Keep *groan* uploading.

Traffic control gadgets for the ASIRW (Average Stupid Indian Road Warrior)

India is a tough country. A wise man once said – If you can drive in India, you can drive anywhere in the world. From the unfinished roads in mountain passes to the under river invisible pebbly roads to dirt tracks in villages to the pot holed road-ish structures in every city to the dizzying video game roads in Delhi, India provides a plethora of experiences to the ASIRW. It’s not for the faint hearted. But these natural and man-made creations aren’t the only invincible barriers to become a legendary ASIRW. The real enemy is the one who is your fellow warrior. He is the one you should be afraid of. He is your real test.

Many have died triumphing the impossible. Sometimes by a bullet wound in the head, sometimes by being crushed to pieces, sometimes by knife wounds and sometimes by a rain of maa-behen expletives. Although this does not stop those who are spared alive by a lucky turn of fate to turn around and splash others with what had dragged them into depression in the first place, but then this is what the game is all about. You cannot stop fighting. As Gabbar said – Jo darr gaya samjho mar gaya.

Newbie ASIRW are clumsy at times and hence India amounts to more than 1,00,000 road accident deaths annually. And now the time has arrived to give the ASIRWs a rest. Too many have perished in the fires of their own foolishness. Hence, the Indian government approached our corporation to provide them some radical ideas to control the ASIRW. Here are a few gadgets we have proposed and which are ready to go in mass production to help the ASIRW follow traffic rules which they find too Manmohan-ish to take seriously. Of course, the Indian Traffic police can install a combination of these brilliant machines but if they are happy with the ongoing self population control, they can give it a skip.

1.  The Jolt Inducer wires(codename – Come to Papa)

This device comes in the form if a thin wire that can charge itself by cow dung and dust which are easily available on Indian roads. The wire is installed on a yellow line in the middle of the road which separates the traffic flow and also acts as a divider. The moment a car steps on the wire (many ASIRW tend to do this as they are divider blind) while over-taking or during jams, it discharges an electric current which can travel to the warrior’s body via the tyres of his vehicle. This can make him dizzy to the point of making him throw up. This will stop a majority of ASIRW from jumping in the wrong lanes.

2. The drag and drop Robotic arms(codename – Get the fu*k back in your lane)

Robotic arm

These state of the art robotic arms are installed on cemented dividers in the middle of the road. They are very sleek and don’t take much space. They are fitted with sensors and cameras and move on a single rail track on the divider. As soon as they sense a vehicle which is not in the correct lane or going in the opposite lane, they pick it up and place it back at the end of the current line of vehicles in its appropriate lane. You can also program it to pick up the vehicle and keep it hanging in air for a predefined time before throwing it back in the correct lane. Turning the vehicle upside down while it hangs in the air is optional. It can also be used to pick up cows from the road.

3. The laser cutters (Codename – Red Queen(after the Resident Evil Supercomputer))

laser

Traffic signals can be fitted with these extremely sophisticated laser cutters. A single laser light will appear on the road (approximately 0.5 foot above the ground and behind the pedestrian crossing) the moment light turns red. Any ASIRW trying to cross it will end up with tyres neatly cut in half. This will ensure mayhem for a couple of days but soon the terror will not let anyone jump a signal. You can adjust the height of the laser from the ground but we strictly suggest that it remains below the legs of the ASIRW.

4. Celebrity Signals (codename – Take a Munni break)

Katrina Kaif

Traffic signals will be replaced by images of celebrities asking people to stop and go. This will be achieved by harmless vertical laser show images that will cover the crossing like a big movie screen. For example, A red signal will be replaced by Katrina performing “Chikni Chameli” or Vidya Balan performing “Nakka Mukka” while the green signal will be replaced by Manmohan Singh giving the Independence Day speech. Yellow will be replaced by Meira Kumar’s laser video of her famous “Shaant ho jaiye” monologue in Lok Sabha.

5. Weapon snatcher magnets (codename – Magneto)

We do not expect hardened ASIRW to completely let go of their valour and courage and not use weapons like country made pistols, acid and knives to fight road wars. For such scenarios, we have the weapon magnets which will activate as soon as they sense rage above the critical limit of 200 TMK (Teri Ma Ki) which will be calculated by a secret mathematical formula specially designed for ASIRWs which takes into account components like blood pressure, swear word usage, eye widening capabilities, level of frothing, reddening of face etc. Once the critical limit is reached, the magnets will immediately snatch away any weapon produced by the warrior and teleport it to the nearest junk yard.

6. Begging hover and money collection system (codename – Begging Angels)

VirkamAurBetal

A study has revealed that ASIRWs have a soft corner for beggars and they love to do some charity but beggars do pose a threat to life as they surf the maze at the traffic intersection. Hence they will be provided with the hover system where they will float around the cars like “Betal” and as soon as Manmohan Singh start’s his speech their distance from ground will increase automatically so that the vehicles can move smoothly. To avoid ASIRWs from fumbling to extract change from their pockets, we will be introducing single swipe signature-less credit cards system.

7. Magnetic wheels for manual vehicles (codename – Rickshaws will fly)

Cycles and rickshaws make ASIRWs very angry. To solve this problem, we will be providing magnetic wheels for such vehicles which can be activated by the touch of a button. This will attach the cycle/rickshaw to the nearest vehicle and it can travel with the same speed as that of the vehicle. Detaching it from the high-speed vehicle can again be a one touch operation. This will also reduce honking.

8. Alcohol detection Automatic Car Shutdown Chip (Codename – Dumb ass is Drunk)

A recent study has revealed that Indians Luuuuuve to drink and drive. They love hitting a speed of 120km/hr especially when everything ahead of them is blurred. Enter our automated car shutdown chip. The chip detects alcohol fumes in the car and instantly produces an electric spark the moment car keys are inserted in the slot. This not only gives the drunk jerk a jerk but does not allow him to start the car. We are in discussion with the Indian Government to make this chip mandatory in all the cars. It goes without saying that this will not be applicable to all the government vehicles.

9. Honk Slap (code name – Arnold)

Slap

To reduce noise pollution level on Indian roads, we have designed a microprocessor which includes various permutations and combinations allowed for honking in sensible nations. This microprocessor can be fitted in all cars and will assess the situation under which a driver honks. If no match is found, a robotic hand will appear from the dashboard and slap the driver. So, if you see every driver battered and bruised on the road, don’t be alarmed.

We sincerely hope that the introduction of these various equipments will smooth traffic flow on the roads of India. Of course, we cannot change the mindset of the ASIRWs, but we can always install a sense of terror by using lasers, robotic arms, slaps etc. There are a few problems like potholes, divider-less roads, lack of amenities for pedestrians, salivating for bribes traffic police etc but we have made clear to the Indian government that WE CAN”T FUC*ING SOLVE ALL THEIR PROBLEMS!

Hope you will enjoy driving with our new gadgets

Regards

ASIRWCS ( ASIRW Control Squad)

Coupling two Software Engineers…

..is a recipe for disaster. You may ask why? Of course, if you consider ‘making pots of money’ as a consolation, then it might work for you but keeping the money-mindedness aside for a second, here is a list of reasons why it would be better to put your hand in a pit of vipers instead.

1. Both of you might end up in different countries. It is not always easy to say no to an onsite opportunity when you have a home loan, a car loan, a washing machine loan, a diamond necklace loan and a pack of underwear loan and an over pressurizing manager. And then, practically speaking, the long distance SOS (Sex On Skype) fizzle out in a few days, simply because the ‘feel’ is absent.

2. Both of you might end up in different shifts which is worse than being in different countries. Leave alone SOS, you will not have the real one in days. You will wake him up after coming from office and crash yourself on the bed as soon as he gets up and vice versa. Your conversations will end up being – ‘Hi honey’. ‘Bye honey’. ZZZZZZZ

3. Completely forget any trips to Simla, Munnar, Singapore, Andaman or Malaysia. Getting an off together for 5 days for a holiday will be task more difficult than getting Katrina Kaif to act and Manmohan Singh to open his mouth. You can beg, rub your nose on the ground till it bleeds, pull out your hair but it just won’t happen.

4. On the rare occasions when both of you will be at home by 9 pm, you will bitch about your managers till 10 and vent out all your frustration and completely forget to cook. You will end up having bread with soup, which will be good actually considering your expanding bellies.

5. Home made food will be available only on Saturdays and Sundays, if at least one of you is not working on the weekend, which will be as rare as scams in India. You will end up eating pizza, pasta and punjabi thalis at malls. Whatever good the bread and soup were doing will adjust to inflation.

6. All the family functions will carry on without you. Your cousins will get married and will have babies. You won’t be there in their marriage albums and videos. You will meet them, maybe, once in 5 years and wonder where all the time flew away.

7. If you are planning to have a baby, forget about it, simply because you should get some time to ding-dong, which you won’t get. If you somehow manage, the she-engineer’s manager will make sure that the baby is delivered in office alongside the project deliverable. The baby will already be stressed out by the time he will come out because of your 15 hour shifts.

8. Your parents will wither away trying to make sense of what hit them. You won’t have time for them and they will end up cursing themselves for giving birth to a machine and then marrying him off to another.

9. If the she-engineer somehow manages to pop out a baby, the baby will grow up thinking that the maid is his mother. He will not recognise his father on the rare occasions of bonding simply because he has never seen him awake. The first word he might learn will be ‘Basanti’, which will be the name of the maid.

10. One day, while buying Cabbage at Big Bazaar, you will pick up one in your hand and wonder what the difference between both of you is.

p.s. Don’t take the post seriously. It’s a funny take on what I see people around me going through.

Big Boss and all that murkiness

This year’s Big Boss has left me amused. Yesterday, Pooja Mishra shook that biscuit like J Lo while The Splitsvilla guy almost kicked her butt, using beep inducing swearwords in the process. While all this happened, the rest of the women in the house fell over each other and that guy to pacify him.

Now, let’s be clear, no one and that means no one can reach the epic crescendo which Dolly Bindra reached last year but the Big Boss team is trying really hard to match that level. Dignity be damned, the contestants can now discuss nominations and use beep words. Men shouting at women. Women shouting back. Women throwing shrill bombs on each other. You got the picture? And, oh yes, there is a ghost in the house this season. *bangs head on the wall*

Don’t take me wrong. It looks wonderful for sometime. We love to see people fight. That was the only reason Balaji Telefilms worked. Nothing is as gratifying to see a daughter-in-law teaching her mother-in-law a lesson. Our movies have worked on this premise for years. A hero taking revenge on his sister’s rapist and his mother’s butcher has been a source of instant nirvana for generations. But then a time comes when all this starts getting your goat. Unfortunately for me, Big Boss has reached that pinnacle.

Sometimes I could not understand how Shakti Kapoor and Rageshwari were evicted. They were bigger celebrities than the half-baked ones who are left. I don’t expect to see a ‘Hum Aapke Hain Kaun’ in the house but if it is not scripted, then hats off to the Indian audience. I guess, the vicarious feelings run deep.

Don’t be disillusioned. I will still see it to the end. Sometimes I am too angry and would love to see someone more fuc*ed up than I am and clap to my heart’s delight.

p.s. Polly tried to make me watch ‘Bade Acche Lagte hain’, which going by its name,  I took up thinking that it’s a soft porn series. Sourly disappointed. It’s about two 45 years old virgins who sat on a sofa and ate a cake on their honeymoon while watching Zee TV.

p.p.s  KBC is the only saving grace. It’s good to feel happy for all those people who really need that money and see their lives transform in minutes. Saw that guy winning 5 Crores. And then he picked up the cheque and counted the zeroes. Made me smile.

p.p.p.s I re-read the post and it’s such a contradiction. It’s good.

p.p.p.p.s All those who have an expression of disgust and are going to throw one liners like – ‘You watch that shit?’, readjust your jaws to a closure.

The needles

The first thing that changes in you after returning to India is that the needle of your swear-meter flails very close to the danger mark, almost to the verge of rupturing a nerve in your brain. Well, almost.

It happened with me. It’s still happening. I am a lot more angrier now a days. Small things like someone opening a glass door with his hand, imprinting the Congress symbol on it while ignoring a bloody handle irritates me to no end. I feel like shouting. A few deep breaths later, I am fine.

Then I see people falling over each other to get into a lift to go to a floor above when the lift is going to the basement, simple because they can’t take chances. What if it is filled at the basement? They will be stranded at the ground floor till eternity.

These are small things. I know. I know we will be ahead of China in a couple of years. We are reproducing like crazy. Just like a virus experiment gone horribly wrong. I think that is why people have no patience for anything. They have to take shortcuts, do everything as quickly as possible. Win the race. And, of course, you can’t take away the fact that we are still quite rustic at heart.

I was telling Polly (who is a teacher) that you can define liquid to your class by showing them a photograph of a traffic jam in India. The stream of vehicles take the shape of any vacant area around the roads. And it took me a lot of time to get used to the honking. Believe me, that is the first thing you notice after coming back. It is like needles in your ears. And people honking at rickshaw-pullers is funny. The rickshaw will not develop wings and fly away.

Today, while driving my car, I saw a woman cross the road with the school going kid. She did not bother to look both sides before crossing. A lot of people do that. They believe that even if there is a car coming at a speed of 70, the guy will eventually apply the brakes when he will see two people in the middle of the road, roaming as if in a park. But what if that guy is distracted? What if he is not able to apply the brakes?  I don’t know whether the fact that our religions talk about rebirth provides us with the audacity to belittle life or are we so wrapped up in taking shortcuts that we forget to bother about anyone’s life? When I see people driving on the wrong side of the road just because the U-turn is a bit ahead, I start believing that the latter is true.

Making queues is unheard of at most of the places, leave alone the courtesy of letting the person standing before you complete his transaction. A few days back, I had a fight with a woman who created a new ‘ladies’ line at the metro station when the original line was only 2 people long! She called herself Anna Hazare and labeled me Rahul Gandhi. I had to tell her that she was an idiot. And then, I was watching the crowd surrounding Anna Hazare at the Ramlila ground and thinking – Given a chance, most of the people sitting here will disregard each other with utter disdain. What if I leave a suitcase full of money in the middle of the crowd? Movement be damned, won’t they claw each other for that?

What kind of people are these? Why is there such utter disrespect of the needs of other people? Why are we always at each others throat?

And then mulling over it, I start realizing, that it’s not just in India. It’s everywhere. It’s basic human nature. Put 10,000,000 humans in Manchester at it will decay as quickly. Developed or developing, societies are directionless in their own way.

Anyways, I was angry, so had to vomit it out somewhere. Thankyou for your patience. And how have all of you been?

p.s. It’s not a comeback post. It’s just a random rant blip.

The long and short of it…

Hello to all the fellow internet crawlers, to all my friends connected to me by zeroes and ones. Now now! Don’t jump from your seats and to conclusions. I am not back. It’s one of those three-months itch. Yes, I was missing my affair with my blog.

Like all other bloggers who go on a sabbatical, I am supposed to dive into an egotistic and pompous rant about the happenings in my life in the past few months, which I will dutifully indulge into, to satisfy all the masala hungry people here.

So, this is my first winter in Manchester and what a dull and gloomy place it has turned into. It gets dark at 4 in the afternoon and by the time I get up from my desk at 6, I feel like I have been working since eternity. There are cold winds bellowing all the time making those spooky horror movie sounds and turning my umbrella inside out. One thing that I really hate is wearing caps, which I have to do now because otherwise, I will not be able to feel my nose and ears by the time I reach home. It rains all the bloody (Yeah! Bloody and Bollocks are the two latest additions to my dictionary) day and the bell of my house gets short circuited in the rain and starts ringing continuously at 2 in the night. So, I have to get up from my bed and go to the door in freezing cold to throw out the batteries to make it stop hollering. Bollocks!

And do you think that an Indian landlord in Manchester would do you good? Well, think again. I shifted my house three months back and fell upon a smiling, obese Punjabi Uncle who acted like Mother India before I said Yes to the house. After I shifted, I literally had to rub my nose on the ground in front of him to get a few minuscule things to be fitted. He gives miserliness a new definition.

The reason I went on a break (and I am still on a break) was that I wanted to write a book. Now don’t hit me with a cliché by asking me the bloody story. As if I am going to tell you! Buy it and make some dough land in my wallet if it gets published. Ever! And it’s going on fine. Thank you very much. Some wise man said once – The first draft of anything is shit! Got the picture?

And then in between all this mayhem to which my life was subjected to…

I GOT ENGAGED!!!! YAY!!!

Well, long story short, it was through a matrimonial site. My parents had put my advertisement (I like imagining myself as a commodity. It’s quite aphrodisiacal) on a matrimonial site and had almost given up hope. It’s not because there were no takers. 😛 Far from it! It’s just that my parents had set some very high standards. You see, they think I am Hrithik Roshan and the rejection rate was as high as 50 girls/week. No kidding! Then along came Polly (Yeah, that’s what I’ll call her on the blog), and we started talking over phone. Our parents matched the horror-scopes and Voila! 33/36! They almost jumped out of their skin! So, we talked, talked on phone, talked on webcam and talked each other into saying yes without meeting. Kind of romantic, I think. So, I went back to India and there was a small ceremony called Roka. Done! Amit is sold! He is now Polly’s slave (this is such a turn on! 😉 ).

What else have I done in the previous months that was exciting….Ummm…

I saw a play for the first time in my life in the Palace Theatre here. It was a musical called Chicago (you might have seen the movie). Before the play started, I thought that live performances can never match the ‘razzle dazzle’ of the movies, but I was wrong. It was splendid (another word that I have picked up here. Everything is either splendid or wonderful or excellent). The downside? I went alone and missed Polly and thought that it would have been great if she was sitting next to me instead of the wonderfully fat lady who could barely fit in her seat and was brimming all over me.

Autumn was beautiful. I went around the city with my camera and took some photographs. I visited Style Mill with MB, a British friend and was literally transported a 100 years back, specially in the apprentice house. I’ll put the photographs soon. And now I think I am rambling.

Anyways, the reason I actually started writing this post was because Visceral Observations had recently announced the Avant Garde Bloggies Awards, which is wonderful! Since this is a kind of beat-my-own-drum post, I must jog your memory cells and remind you that I won 8 awards last year and again thank all of you who voted for me. So, the nominations have started and are open till 20 December. Nominate your posts and the posts which you think are worthy of recognition. It’s fun, believe me!

And here are a few details to kick start the process (which I am shamefully copying from Oxy’s blog).

Here is once again the link to everything you need to know about the Awards as well as how to nominate your and other’s posts. CLICK HERE.

Conceived by Visceral Observations

Badges Designed by Chirag. Have a look at the Badges by CLICKING HERE.

Volunteers VimalVee and Magik

Publicist Nikhil

The Categories CLICK HERE.

Official Video CLICK HERE.

So, go ahead and have fun and I’ll see you around.