Open letter to my maid

image from here

My dear Maid, 

I know guys don’t write letters to maids and they definitely don’t call them ‘dear’ and I hope you do not take offence in me addressing you as someone who is dear to me. So help me God. I have seen women write incessantly about the love-hate relationship they share with their maids but guys usually shy away from it. I blame our system for it, much like Rahul Gandhi. We are not supposed to feel affectionate towards our maids. I am breaking the barriers here and that is why it is so important for me to call you ‘dear’. It is not a word, it is a hammer and I am using it to break the wall and show my gratitude to all the lovely ladies who have worked in my house over the years. 

Let me begin by saying that I was brought up with a sense of being higher up in the pyramid of society. My grandma used to keep a separate plate and glass for you to eat breakfast and drink the tea she provided with a sense of charity. We were not supposed to touch those utensils and it was blasphemy to eat in your plate or drink water in your glass. You were supposed to be a lower class nobody who could never be satisfied with what has been given to her and your whole community was supposed to be like you. Well, let me tell you dear, that the phoniness of this unabashed display of superiority pissed me off as a kid and I gleefully indulged in numerous acts of blasphemy when I ate in your plate and drank water from your glass, much to the utter shock of my grandma.

Dear maid,

I remember so many unintentional hilarious and sad incidents involving you that I have lost count. So, thank you for the doses of laughter and the pauses of pondering I have collected over the years. I remember, when grandma in her rare moods of philanthropy, started teaching you the Hindi alphabets. I was surprised to know that you could not read or write. I was young. And then, grandma and you reached the alphabet ‘sh’. She would say ‘Sh se Shatkon’ and you would say ‘Sa se Satkon’ and it went for such a long time that I thought that only a calamity like grandma grinding all her teeth to dust or an astroid hitting the Earth could possibly stop the loop. And your name was Geeta which is one of the many ironies of life. Then you transformed into Bhagwanti. You were usually beaten blue and black by your husband when you came to work. You were 2D thin. I always wondered how much endurance you had for doing such physically challanging work when half of your body was swelling with pain. You made me laugh by the way you cleaned the utensils with all your might as your sari danced like waves with your movements. Then you turned into Sheila, who used to steal spoons for reasons I could not understand. It was hilarious because once mom caught you while you were trying to hide a spoon in your salwar. You said that you were itching terribly and merely rubbing the spoon over your skin. Then you turned into wide-eyed Sampa who would, in excited shrieks, tell her sisters over the phone that you went to the mall with us and saw a movie in the theatre and had chow mein in the food court. 

Dear Maid,

I know sometimes people are ruthless and you end up doing more than you could endure. You are constantly pestered at times, even when you are doing fine. Sometimes, you rebel and then you are told that you belong to a category of society that can never be thankful for what is being given to them. Have you noticed the crazy flip-flop of hatred and harmony you experience with a family? At one hand, you are sitting with them and having tea in your designated cup, telling them the story of your life and how miserable everything is, expecting some gift on Diwali and New Year and on the other hand you are blamed for being lazy and not doing things properly. How do you handle such relationships when you are at the receiving end? Of course, you grin and bear it, just like all of us who take shit from people above us in the pyramid, conveniently forget it and do exactly the same to the people below us.

Dear Maid,

I would like to thank you. Thank you for cleaning my room, my wash-room, my clothes, my utensils. Thank you for dusting my house, for making the food, for folding my clothes, for making tea for me, for being there. I know it would be impossible to survive without you. I know everyone knows that, no matter how high in the air their nose is, no matter how much difficult they find it to give you a raise which is equal to the price of a plate of chicken tikka kabab in a mall. 

And in the end, a small note for my present dear Maid –

It has been a month since your mother-in-law died. I know you have no love for her (and I am quoting my mom here), but you have already extended your 15 days break to 30 days. Yes, unbelievable as it may sound, my household has been operating sans you for a month now. It is a miracle and we are enduring one day at a time but a day does not pass when we don’t remember you. What you have done is unprofessional but it is OK. As always, mom will forgive you after giving you a nice piece of her mind. And then everything will be as it always was. It has nothing to do with the pyramid, believe me. So, you should return now. We are somehow, barely holding the fort but we need reinforcements. We have never told you how important you or your successor (who might be a reality soon) are to us and that is what this letter intends to tell you in addition to the fact that we are dying without you.

Thank you,

A humble dependant.

p.s. I will be a bit erratic for a while on my blog and all the amazing blogs I regularly read because I am working on my second book. Please forgive me.

Say this hypo, mean that crisy

1 ## He drives really well.

He breaks every traffic rule, drives as if his car is a batpod, is traffic signal blind, experience orgasms by honking, derives sadistic pleasure by making people run in front of his car.

2 ## She is a homely girl

She knows how to knead dough, doesn’t talk to strange boys, loves to cry while cutting onions, worships Balaji Telefilms, comes with a remote control, has cobwebs between her legs.

3 ## He is a homely Boy

Does not know what an erection is, urinates in his pants when a girl comes and say ‘Hi’, puts loads of oil in his hair, stammers while talking to his father, eats food only from the hands of his mother, watches Jai Santoshi Maa.

4 ## He is very rich

He is malevolent, is politically connected, has goons available on the snap of his fingers, does not remember the face of his children, has an extramarital affair, has a sobbing sexually deprived gorgeous wife at home who is having an affair with the gardener, has a high-class bitch of a mother, must die of AIDS.

5 ## His wife is too modern

She goes to gym, wears body hugging clothes, shows her enviable cleavage profusely, has a social circle of spoilt rich ladies like her, does not cook for her family, has a very depressed husband at home, drinks like a fish, has a shocked mother-in-law who wonders what she has got her son into.

6 ## She is a very good actress

She has done loads of semi nude dance numbers, has worked with all top heroes, has big breasts, has the same laughing and crying face, is a virgin, is beautiful, is white.

7 ## All politicians are corrupt

I do not have as much money as those illiterate bastards have; I want a Swiss bank account, I want that power. I want to be a politician so that I could earn that money. My life is pathetic. God hates me.

8 ## My only solace is in the feet of Gods

I donate loads of money to temples, I donate my hair, I give milk bath to the Gods, I follow all the top religious gurus, I help build temples in parks meant for children. I hate other religions. My God bestest.

9 ## What was she doing outside the pub at 12?

How dare she have a life? How can others enjoy when I am suffering my boring miserable existence? How can a woman have such freedom? I completely support molestation of the bitch. She is a slave. Rape her. She deserves it because she is not my sister.

10 ## The maid is a part of our family

I give food to her in a separate plate, she sits and sleeps on the floor, she is not allowed to touch my food, she is a potential thief and I have to be careful, she might murder me for the gold I have bought with my black money, she is a low life.

11 ## Poor, hungry people!

Thank God it is not me in their place, filthy people, they are a menace to the society, that is where criminals come from, don’t encourage begging, let them die – that is the best way to wipe them out. Someone incinerate them!

12 ## What a marriage!

They spent lakhs on the decoration, they must have given a heavy dowry, the bride and groom looked like an extension of the red carpet, the quantity of food could have fed the entire population of Zimbabwe, pride = show-off = puffy chests, my marriage was pathetic.

13 ## What a movie!

The hero stood on two running horses, we laughed on comic sequences which won’t make a mentally stable person laugh; the heroine had bucket butts, the hero killed ten goons by throwing them at the moon, jeeps and tomato ketchup flew, there was a romantic song after the hero’s family was butchered.

14 ## I need a cultured girl for my son

I need a maid who works for free, I need a girl who produces male heirs, I need a hen who lays golden eggs, I need a slave who follows my finger. I am the queen of this 2 bedroom flat. I will die a queen. Only I will buy underwear for my son.

15 ## I belong to a cultured family

I don’t have a brain, I take permission from my parents every time I pick my nose, I don’t have any hobbies other than making money and watching porn, my parents have a long pokey nose and we breed girls as cows.

16 ## We don’t need any dowry

I hope you are wise enough to understand what we mean *wink wink*? Make sure your daughter is not visible under the layers of jewellery, don’t give any stupid middle class cars, our family is shitty because we sell our son, our son is a mule.

17 ## Your girlfriend drinks? Wow!

She must be good in bed, you must be having a great time in cinema halls. Lucky bastard! My girlfriend sucks. I want your slutty girlfriend.

Life is like a Men’s Beauty Parlour

Cucumber face

Forrest Gump once said – “Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re gonna get.”

I beg to differ. There are no horrors in a box of chocolates.

“Life is like a men’s beauty parlour. You never know what unimaginable activity is going to hurt your eyes.”

Now there is drama in this. A box of chocolates is all too sugary, just like rose-tinted glasses.

Here is the secret. I have been to one of those….places. But I swear on my virgin eyebrows that it was the first and the last time, largely because of the eye-popping climax.

*Flashback. Misty eyed. Looking at the distant past with Aamir’s Satyamev Jayate look*

I was about to get married in five days. My mom, in a sudden urge, captured my face with her fingers and looked intensely at it. I felt like a fish, spluttering helplessly in an eagle’s claw.

“Too many whiteheads! You have to go to the parlour. I want you to shine.”

“Over my dead body”, I said.

If I have not clarified this before, let me pause and take this opportunity to clear out a few things. I am a guy. Guys do not go to beauty parlours. Period.

My sister joined the chorus basically because she was having fun on my expense. So, I was pushed into having a five day course at a nearby Men’s parlour with a completely forgettable name and an ugly owner who could have used some of the parlour’s services.

One of the activities

Everyday someone would drop me there and then pick me up in an hour. What I witnessed in those five days was a revelation. I told the guy who was attending me to do whatever he wanted because I was least interested and was about to close my eyes for an hour. He smiled and bombarded my face with one cream after another. Packs and massages rained down, sometimes followed by a lot of steam from what looked like a spare part from an alien spaceship. For five days, there were cold and hot sensations, stinging, steams, sprays and god knows what. I behaved like a patient in coma. The only time my eyes popped out of their sockets was when he applied a green cream which looked like fluorescent poop and felt like needles. I asked him to immediately remove it before he turns me into carrot and himself into a pulpy mass of flesh and broken bones. His fingers revolving on my cheeks was bad enough.

What really got my goat was that the parlour was chock-a-block with boys and men. To be honest, I did peek around to satisfy my urge to understand the need of existence of such a place. There were men discussing face packs and hair colours, waxing their arms and legs, getting their eyebrows done, replacing eyeballs with cucumber and getting a haircut which took hours to finish and hard to spot. Sometimes, I felt like sitting at one of those unmentionable places with red bulbs where people do inexplicable stuff. This was way off my radar of comprehension. This was a really bad dream. My eyes hurt.

Oh! The climax! I almost forgot. On the day of my marriage, when my face was finally revealed in the unnecessarily huge mirror shimmering with the shiny teeth of my attendant at the background, I could hardly make out any difference, except that I was a bit whiter. I guess, that was the whole idea of clogging me with all the creams. I sighed and gave him the remaining amount from my pocket. He asked me to wait and picked up a glittering tube-ish thing from his stuff and started applying it on my lips.

“Err..what is this?”, I asked a bit alarmed and looked all around to make sure no one saw what was happening.

“This will make your lips look red.”

The first thing I did after paying him and coming out of the parlour was to spit and hastily rub my lips with a handkerchief before anyone saw me and start rolling on the ground laughing his head off. Then I inhaled deeply. I felt like Andy Dufresne in The Shawshank Redemption, finally free after digging a long, painful tunnel and swimming in a glittering, red sludgy liquid.

Nothing so dramatic!

Everyone at my home recognised me. I was not expecting to do a Jassi on them anyways.

*Flashback over. Eyes closed after the painful remembrance*

Well, that was then. I have never felt the need to dwell near any such establishment. The taste of that glitter still haunts me. Forrest Gump was wrong. None of the chocolates would have tasted this bitter.

Life is definitely like a Men’s beauty parlour – sometimes like the pain of seeing a man waxing his arms and sometimes like a cool facemask outlining a moustache.

[images from 1,2,3]

Love Compatibility for same sex couples

Polly (my wife) and I sometimes puff up like a puffer fish (with pride, not alarm) when we remember that we got a love compatibility score of 33 out of 36 when our horoscopes were matched. For those who are not faint hearted, horoscope matching used to be a complicated process which required an astrologer who has studied the science of matchmaking. Based on the planetary positions at your birth time and 36 qualities in a human being, the astrologer calculated the compatibility and predicted if coupling was possible. It ended up with a number of charts which looked like a football field crisscrossed with a number of lines, something similar to the signs which lesser creative aliens have left on our corn fields.

Now a day, the whole process just needs a software. While our parents still go the old fashioned way, we always confirm the output on the software installed on our laptops in case the astrologer was too drunk to make out anything.

The software requires the couple to put their birthdates, gender, birth place and time (very important as a deviation of a second will alter the planetary positions and your life) and it will match the horoscopes. By the way, how do you determine birth time? Is it the moment your head pops out or the moment the umbilical cord is cut? Just curious.

Anyways, the software is useful after marriage too.  Sometimes, after a fight, Polly and I have re-checked the compatibility figure several times either to

• make sure that it is still 33 out of 36 (It will scientifically never change because it depends on the planetary positions when you were born.)
• check if there was a mistake initially and the astrologer was actually drunk and the software malfunctioned too which again is highly improbable.

It acts as a pacifier. After all, how bad can it get if you scored 33/36? You will always clink back like two opposite poles of a magnet.

This brings me to the point of writing this post. Yesterday Polly and I were discussing this whole horror-scope thingy and the talk steered towards providing a gay friendly addition to the software. Of course the software does not allow it. It recoils in horror and disables its buttons.

What if a guy wants to check his horoscope against another guy? There is simply no option. He can’t narrow down his search and has the whole ocean to fish. Now imagine how this can be successfully used in a lot of movies to show the anguish and confusion of a character. Imagine Nandita Das’s character in Fire using Kundli (Horoscope) matching software to understand her feelings towards Shabana Azmi’s character and finding to her horror/delight/something that the horoscopes match with a score of 35/36. Won’t this addition to the story make the characters infinitesimally poignant? Won’t it increase their hope for a better future and bring out the dilemma more vividly? Imagine Nandita throwing the horoscope printouts on her husband’s face and leave with Shabana towards the sunset.

Leave aside such complicated software, our very own good old Linda Goodman does not provide the solution. The tome does not talk about same gender love compatibility at all. There are numerous check-your-love-compatibility-now (!!!) websites also available, but you will never see something like this in them –

or this –

Now imagine Jake Gyllenhaal’s character in Brokeback Mountain picking up a Linda Goodman in a bookstore and open the Scorpio-man-Leo-man love compatibility page and found that Heath Ledger’s character was tailor made for him. Although, the movie won so many awards that if you pile them on top of each other, you can make an award beanstalk to the moon, but that is beside the point. Linda Goodman’s love signs for Gay men would have added the written-in-the-stars angle to the love story.

One wonders that even though we are becoming such a gay friendly planet, why we are neglecting the homosexual angle in astrology. It’s a big market if anyone wants to make money. After all it doesn’t take much to fool humans into believing that there are only 12 kind of people in the world or the planets control our lives.

Images taken from:

http://www.astrosagar.com/article.asp?id=57

http://www.desivideos.net/2007/03/15/fire-movie-hindi/

http://www.betterworldbooks.com/linda-goodman-s-love-signs-id-0060968966.aspx

http://entertainment.ezinemark.com/most-impressive-animated-couples-773651103d6d.html

Facebook photos uploading etiquettes

A lot of people go on holidays so that they could upload pictures on Facebook for various reasons. Enjoying with their family is the last thing on their mind. The reasons for uploading photos might vary from –

• Making their friends jealous (Hey! Look at me! I am hanging in the air upside down! Stare Stare!)
• Making their relatives jealous (Hey loser! dream on!)
• Making their colleagues jealous (Work smart party hard suckers!)
• Marinate in the comments (Lovely couple!! Beautiful Background!! Where did you go? I am sooo jealous of you guys! Blah!)
• Collecting likes (A dislike button is the need of the hour)
• To achieve inner satisfaction because people are jealous because they are happy.
• Sharing them with their family and friends (Didn’t I tell you that this is the last thing on their mind?)

Now, We are not against all the photo uploading sho-sha but there should be a level of decency to be maintained. You really don’t have to behave like Mount Etna and erupt your trip lava on our wall. So, here is a list of tips which might help people actually go through your pictures instead of hurriedly liking them and putting bland comments and be done with it. Here goes:

1) We understand you like mountains and lakes and deserts and trees but can you please not click the same bloody mountain from all the sides and dump it on Facebook? Also, standing and giving different poses with the same tree makes you a retard. Mountain, mountain, mountain-man, mountain-sheep, mountain-cloud, mountain, mountain. Seriously?!?

2) We know you love your partner. You are madly in love. No one, and that means no one, can love each other as much as you two. But can you please not drip all of us in your honey scooped butter scotch love? We don’t like to see couples entangled with each other like two grasshoppers where you cannot differentiate where one starts and the other ends. And we don’t like to see people slurping each other like dogs.

That poor thing is going to drown!

3) Your dog and cat are great! They must be really unique but for us, they are just an animal. So, it gets a bit amusing to see your dog’s photo shoot in all its glory. We are sure that they could give more expressions than a lot of our Bollywood stars but that is no reason for them to pose nude on our wall.

4) Oh! You had a kid! That’s so adorable! The poor thing can’t even open his eyes yet, but you have already thrust a camera on his face scaring him out of his wits and forced him to make all those take-this-thing-off-me faces while you click him. Your kid is beautiful but try not to put a picture on Facebook of his diaper changing activities. That’s Gross. And also, try not to put those pictures of that white cereal paste hanging out of his mouth. That’s equally gross.

5) Sunrise and Sunsets! There are already millions of pictures of our only star popping in and out of the Earth, so please don’t bore us with another of those pictures unless you have taken them from a space shuttle on a mission to re-fuel the Sun. Ditto for flowers, birds and insects unless you have unearthed a new species.

6) We are sure you love adventure sports. So you went to this cool destination and enjoyed paragliding but can you please not upload twenty pictures of you flying over mountains? Honestly, we can barely make you out in those photos. You might have just googled them and posted them on Facebook just to make people jealous.

Are you sure you are in there?

7) We hate blurred and shaky pictures. It’s hard to understand the psyche of a person who uploads a photo of his left hand or his girlfriend’s breast or his kid’s foot. We understand you clicked such pictures accidentally and we give you a benefit of doubt that you uploaded them accidentally but there is ALWAYS a delete button. It’s not a nuke which you have deployed accidentally and can’t retrieve back. If you don’t have time to check your photos before uploading or after uploading them, then don’t fuc*ing upload them.

8) You went to a disc and had a lot of drinks and enjoyed with your friends. Great! Try not to dump all your evening on our wall. We really don’t like to see people getting drunk, dancing as if controlled by a random number generator, taking off their clothes one by one and puking on their friend’s face. You are not making us jealous. You are making us groan.

9) Pictures of Gods and weird Independence day and Republic day pictures also make us dizzy. “Jai Mata Di” is great but first make your life straight. And if you are uploading a “Proud to be an Indian” picture then stop bloody wasting your time on Facebook and do something worthy of being proud of. And those “Happy Diwali!!!” pics on our wall make us very dizzy. Our whole wall seems to be on fire.

10) Stop tagging us in every picture of yours even when we are nowhere in the pic. We are not your dog’s tail or your best friend’s ass. Spare us the embarrassment of moving our mouse on your sorry torso to find out which body part of yours is named after us.

I hope you understand the mental trauma we undergo while we browse through your photos and will try to make honest corrections.

Thanks,

Your fellow good for nothing Facebook addicts.

p.s. We must admit that we ourselves indulge in a lot of the above mentioned activities. So, don’t take the post seriously. Keep *groan* uploading.

Traffic control gadgets for the ASIRW (Average Stupid Indian Road Warrior)

India is a tough country. A wise man once said – If you can drive in India, you can drive anywhere in the world. From the unfinished roads in mountain passes to the under river invisible pebbly roads to dirt tracks in villages to the pot holed road-ish structures in every city to the dizzying video game roads in Delhi, India provides a plethora of experiences to the ASIRW. It’s not for the faint hearted. But these natural and man-made creations aren’t the only invincible barriers to become a legendary ASIRW. The real enemy is the one who is your fellow warrior. He is the one you should be afraid of. He is your real test.

Many have died triumphing the impossible. Sometimes by a bullet wound in the head, sometimes by being crushed to pieces, sometimes by knife wounds and sometimes by a rain of maa-behen expletives. Although this does not stop those who are spared alive by a lucky turn of fate to turn around and splash others with what had dragged them into depression in the first place, but then this is what the game is all about. You cannot stop fighting. As Gabbar said – Jo darr gaya samjho mar gaya.

Newbie ASIRW are clumsy at times and hence India amounts to more than 1,00,000 road accident deaths annually. And now the time has arrived to give the ASIRWs a rest. Too many have perished in the fires of their own foolishness. Hence, the Indian government approached our corporation to provide them some radical ideas to control the ASIRW. Here are a few gadgets we have proposed and which are ready to go in mass production to help the ASIRW follow traffic rules which they find too Manmohan-ish to take seriously. Of course, the Indian Traffic police can install a combination of these brilliant machines but if they are happy with the ongoing self population control, they can give it a skip.

1.  The Jolt Inducer wires(codename – Come to Papa)

This device comes in the form if a thin wire that can charge itself by cow dung and dust which are easily available on Indian roads. The wire is installed on a yellow line in the middle of the road which separates the traffic flow and also acts as a divider. The moment a car steps on the wire (many ASIRW tend to do this as they are divider blind) while over-taking or during jams, it discharges an electric current which can travel to the warrior’s body via the tyres of his vehicle. This can make him dizzy to the point of making him throw up. This will stop a majority of ASIRW from jumping in the wrong lanes.

2. The drag and drop Robotic arms(codename – Get the fu*k back in your lane)

These state of the art robotic arms are installed on cemented dividers in the middle of the road. They are very sleek and don’t take much space. They are fitted with sensors and cameras and move on a single rail track on the divider. As soon as they sense a vehicle which is not in the correct lane or going in the opposite lane, they pick it up and place it back at the end of the current line of vehicles in its appropriate lane. You can also program it to pick up the vehicle and keep it hanging in air for a predefined time before throwing it back in the correct lane. Turning the vehicle upside down while it hangs in the air is optional. It can also be used to pick up cows from the road.

3. The laser cutters (Codename – Red Queen(after the Resident Evil Supercomputer))

Traffic signals can be fitted with these extremely sophisticated laser cutters. A single laser light will appear on the road (approximately 0.5 foot above the ground and behind the pedestrian crossing) the moment light turns red. Any ASIRW trying to cross it will end up with tyres neatly cut in half. This will ensure mayhem for a couple of days but soon the terror will not let anyone jump a signal. You can adjust the height of the laser from the ground but we strictly suggest that it remains below the legs of the ASIRW.

4. Celebrity Signals (codename – Take a Munni break)

Traffic signals will be replaced by images of celebrities asking people to stop and go. This will be achieved by harmless vertical laser show images that will cover the crossing like a big movie screen. For example, A red signal will be replaced by Katrina performing “Chikni Chameli” or Vidya Balan performing “Nakka Mukka” while the green signal will be replaced by Manmohan Singh giving the Independence Day speech. Yellow will be replaced by Meira Kumar’s laser video of her famous “Shaant ho jaiye” monologue in Lok Sabha.

5. Weapon snatcher magnets (codename – Magneto)

We do not expect hardened ASIRW to completely let go of their valour and courage and not use weapons like country made pistols, acid and knives to fight road wars. For such scenarios, we have the weapon magnets which will activate as soon as they sense rage above the critical limit of 200 TMK (Teri Ma Ki) which will be calculated by a secret mathematical formula specially designed for ASIRWs which takes into account components like blood pressure, swear word usage, eye widening capabilities, level of frothing, reddening of face etc. Once the critical limit is reached, the magnets will immediately snatch away any weapon produced by the warrior and teleport it to the nearest junk yard.

6. Begging hover and money collection system (codename – Begging Angels)

A study has revealed that ASIRWs have a soft corner for beggars and they love to do some charity but beggars do pose a threat to life as they surf the maze at the traffic intersection. Hence they will be provided with the hover system where they will float around the cars like “Betal” and as soon as Manmohan Singh start’s his speech their distance from ground will increase automatically so that the vehicles can move smoothly. To avoid ASIRWs from fumbling to extract change from their pockets, we will be introducing single swipe signature-less credit cards system.

7. Magnetic wheels for manual vehicles (codename – Rickshaws will fly)

Cycles and rickshaws make ASIRWs very angry. To solve this problem, we will be providing magnetic wheels for such vehicles which can be activated by the touch of a button. This will attach the cycle/rickshaw to the nearest vehicle and it can travel with the same speed as that of the vehicle. Detaching it from the high-speed vehicle can again be a one touch operation. This will also reduce honking.

8. Alcohol detection Automatic Car Shutdown Chip (Codename – Dumb ass is Drunk)

A recent study has revealed that Indians Luuuuuve to drink and drive. They love hitting a speed of 120km/hr especially when everything ahead of them is blurred. Enter our automated car shutdown chip. The chip detects alcohol fumes in the car and instantly produces an electric spark the moment car keys are inserted in the slot. This not only gives the drunk jerk a jerk but does not allow him to start the car. We are in discussion with the Indian Government to make this chip mandatory in all the cars. It goes without saying that this will not be applicable to all the government vehicles.

9. Honk Slap (code name – Arnold)

To reduce noise pollution level on Indian roads, we have designed a microprocessor which includes various permutations and combinations allowed for honking in sensible nations. This microprocessor can be fitted in all cars and will assess the situation under which a driver honks. If no match is found, a robotic hand will appear from the dashboard and slap the driver. So, if you see every driver battered and bruised on the road, don’t be alarmed.

We sincerely hope that the introduction of these various equipments will smooth traffic flow on the roads of India. Of course, we cannot change the mindset of the ASIRWs, but we can always install a sense of terror by using lasers, robotic arms, slaps etc. There are a few problems like potholes, divider-less roads, lack of amenities for pedestrians, salivating for bribes traffic police etc but we have made clear to the Indian government that WE CAN”T FUC*ING SOLVE ALL THEIR PROBLEMS!

Hope you will enjoy driving with our new gadgets

Regards

ASIRWCS ( ASIRW Control Squad)

The Horny Indian

No matter how much we try to hide a coupling couple by moving the camera away from the bed as they settle beneath the flower printed bed sheet or by bringing two flowers shaking vigorously suddenly in front of the camera, we cannot snuff out our Kamasutra connections. We are 1.21 billion people who have not been dropped by storks or erupted from the ground. We have been reproducing like eggs lying Godzilla and it somehow seems that chasing the British away was a mistake. We seem to have taken Aryabhata very seriously after he invented zero and are busy including it in our population count as a sign of flattery, which brings me to the point – ours is the horniest nation in the history of mankind.

Think about it. 41.6% of our population fall below poverty line. Of course they haven’t heard of “precautions” and the only source of entertainment is having unprotected sex and producing causalities called babies. Now, I must not put the whole blame of India turning into a dangerously tilted overcrowded bus on the poor. Laluji is not poor. My 10th standard maths teacher was not poor whose production line produced six girls before it was abruptly discontinued after manufacturing a boy.

We have a lot of anti-population plans in place. Our government is trying its best to stop Indians from mating by showing them 1-3-2 (Fayde Ka mantar) family planning adverts in which a lustful couple dwells into something which borders very close to soft porn. Hell, we don’t even have the live-in concept. We have balding, pot-bellied, in their 30s males living with their parents (I am one of them. Thick hair. 8 pack abs). We have people living in rooms smaller than prison cells. We have Khaps, religious groups, cricket, prehistoric parents and a very nosy society structure in place to cater population growth but none of this seems to be working.

Why?

It’s our Horny genes. We love bed sheets with elephants printed on them. They turn us on.

Look at the statistics. Raping women is as popular as learning cricket. Horny men are rampant on the streets just like those zombies in Resident Evil. Delhi is famous worldwide for its horny men who achieve the impossible feat of raping women in moving cars. We have also tried both the ends of the spectrum – from an 80 year old to a two year old. We love eve teasing also. We have the courage to address a rotund middle aged mother of two as Chikni. It comes naturally to us. Controlling our hormones is against our culture.

Our movies inspire us a lot. Latka, Jhatka, Thumka and of course the patented moving-breasts-up-and-down is something our visionary directors have to create to quench the thirst of millions of horny citizens. Small time theatres which showed desi porn movies are on a decline. We don’t need them anymore. Who wants to see fat women curling around fat moustached men like two tangled hippos when our John and Bipasha can do it? Has anyone tried connecting Munni, Sheila, Jalebi and Chameli to the Eve teasing graphs? I’ll bet my porn collection that there is a connection. Of course I am not blaming Bollywood. It’s a sophisticated sex toy for the horny underprivileged.

And while I am on this topic, I find us horny in another sense also, which in truth, was the real reason to write this post – It is the fact that we are a horn friendly nation. Horn friendly, horny, got the drift? We love to honk. We honk egoistically at poor pedestrians who are like those pesky cockroaches and have no right to salsa in the middle of the roads. We honk at rickshaws pullers who desperately try to move their sole bread earning rickety vehicle out of our way before it gets mowed down. We honk at other cars specially if there is a big red L pasted on them. And traffic signals? They are just disco lights. They turn us more horn(y). They remind us of dance bars.

We are horny for speeds also. How else can you explain the recently created racing tracks with cars and stray dogs competing in Noida when the other developed nations are shunning the sport? How else can you explain the speeding Mercedes and BMWs which end up in a pile of scrap and dead bodies being scrapped off roads?

Do I need to mention money? Money turns us on like an eighteen years old who has popped 10 pills of Viagra. We are on a collective hard on from the last 60 years.

Well, in India, being horny is good. It’s cool till it is done under veils. We have the art to cover it up, even if it includes covering up the women in real life and dis-covering them in every other medium. We encourage it. We are not apologetic about it. We are always turned on.

We, are the incredibly horny Indians.

Coupling two Software Engineers…

..is a recipe for disaster. You may ask why? Of course, if you consider ‘making pots of money’ as a consolation, then it might work for you but keeping the money-mindedness aside for a second, here is a list of reasons why it would be better to put your hand in a pit of vipers instead.

1. Both of you might end up in different countries. It is not always easy to say no to an onsite opportunity when you have a home loan, a car loan, a washing machine loan, a diamond necklace loan and a pack of underwear loan and an over pressurizing manager. And then, practically speaking, the long distance SOS (Sex On Skype) fizzle out in a few days, simply because the ‘feel’ is absent.

2. Both of you might end up in different shifts which is worse than being in different countries. Leave alone SOS, you will not have the real one in days. You will wake him up after coming from office and crash yourself on the bed as soon as he gets up and vice versa. Your conversations will end up being – ‘Hi honey’. ‘Bye honey’. ZZZZZZZ

3. Completely forget any trips to Simla, Munnar, Singapore, Andaman or Malaysia. Getting an off together for 5 days for a holiday will be task more difficult than getting Katrina Kaif to act and Manmohan Singh to open his mouth. You can beg, rub your nose on the ground till it bleeds, pull out your hair but it just won’t happen.

4. On the rare occasions when both of you will be at home by 9 pm, you will bitch about your managers till 10 and vent out all your frustration and completely forget to cook. You will end up having bread with soup, which will be good actually considering your expanding bellies.

5. Home made food will be available only on Saturdays and Sundays, if at least one of you is not working on the weekend, which will be as rare as scams in India. You will end up eating pizza, pasta and punjabi thalis at malls. Whatever good the bread and soup were doing will adjust to inflation.

6. All the family functions will carry on without you. Your cousins will get married and will have babies. You won’t be there in their marriage albums and videos. You will meet them, maybe, once in 5 years and wonder where all the time flew away.

7. If you are planning to have a baby, forget about it, simply because you should get some time to ding-dong, which you won’t get. If you somehow manage, the she-engineer’s manager will make sure that the baby is delivered in office alongside the project deliverable. The baby will already be stressed out by the time he will come out because of your 15 hour shifts.

8. Your parents will wither away trying to make sense of what hit them. You won’t have time for them and they will end up cursing themselves for giving birth to a machine and then marrying him off to another.

9. If the she-engineer somehow manages to pop out a baby, the baby will grow up thinking that the maid is his mother. He will not recognise his father on the rare occasions of bonding simply because he has never seen him awake. The first word he might learn will be ‘Basanti’, which will be the name of the maid.

10. One day, while buying Cabbage at Big Bazaar, you will pick up one in your hand and wonder what the difference between both of you is.

p.s. Don’t take the post seriously. It’s a funny take on what I see people around me going through.

The Bisexual Tag

Ever since this tag has hit the blogging circuit, people are going crazy. You can see the samples here, here, here, here, phew!! here and here. Its actually not a “Bisexual” Tag, but I have turned it into one. What’s the harm in exploiting the situation to its fullest? 😉

So, for this tag, I am supposed to turn into a woman and list all the men who might make me drool all over my keyboard. Believe me, this was as simple as Rakhi Sawant getting married to Tom Cruise! Urghhh! Just the thought sends shivers up my spine!

Anyways, so when I am supposed to undergo the blasphemous transformation(in my mind, that is), why not list all the women and men in the world whom I find absolutely good looking? I was supposed to list 5 of them, but I really can’t make such a short list. So here is the long list. Feast on it! 😛

WOMEN

Audrey Hepburn

I first saw her in Roman Holiday and that is when I fell in love with her. She is THE star. She has worked in the biggest blockbusters of her times and had the magic, the aura required for a great actress. Watch Breakfast at Tiffany’s, My Fair Lady and Sabrina and you will know.

Madhuri Dixit

I don’t remember any other actress who had been so popular and respected in the  1990s and this decade as her. She is what I call an Electric Beauty. The smile, the “ada”, the dance…I went completely bonkers when I saw Devdas. I saw the movie thrice in the theatre just for her. Just to see her dance to “Maar Daala” and “Kaahe Chede”. Uff!!! Maar Daala!

Julia Roberts

My Best Friend’s wedding has been an all time favorite followed by Pretty Woman and Erin Brokovich. Julia has this carefree attitude which makes her beautiful. She has this dazzling smile and a very cute throaty laughter.

Aishwarya Rai

Aishwarya Rai is undoubtedly the most beautiful Indian Actress ever. Whatever people say about her acting skills, I have always felt that she is pretty good. She has definitely improved. I also don’t understand what’s plastic about her. She comes across as a very genuine person.

Penelope Cruz

The Sultry beauty. I haven’t seen much of her movies except Vanilla Sky, Gothika and Vicky Cristina Barcelona. She was particularly good in the last one for which she picked the Oscar this year.

Madhubala

The Eternal beauty of the Black and White era. Here is an interesting fact about her from Wiki : In the early 1950s as Madhubala became one of the most sought-after actresses in India, she also attracted interest from Hollywood. She appeared in many American magazines such asTheatre Arts. In their August 1952 issue, Madhubala was featured in an extensive article with a full page photo. The piece was entitled: The Biggest Star in the World (And She’s Not in Beverly Hills). It presented the actress as a mysterious and ethereal woman of mythical beauty with a legion of fans.

Meryl Streep

An Enigmatic beauty. She is one actress who has fully explored a wide spectrum of roles and I specially liked her in Sophie’s Choice, Out of Africa, The Bridges of Madison County and Doubt. From wiki : Streep has received 15 Academy Award nominations and 23 Golden Globe nominations (winning six), more than any other person in film history.

Jennifer Aniston

She is my favorite F.R.I.E.N.D.S character. She is a woman whom I can define as cute and sexy at the same time. From wiki : When F.R.I.E.N.D.S was aired, her hairstyle at the time, which became known as the “Rachel”, was widely copied.Aniston received a salary of one million dollars per episode for the last two seasons ofFriends, as well as five Emmy nominations. According to the Guinness World Book of Records (2005), Aniston (along with her female costars) became the highest paid TV actress of all time with her $1 million-per-episode paycheck for the tenth season of Friends.

Sarah Jessica Parker

I love her eyes and her voice. She skyrocketed to fame with her role of Carrie Bradshaw in Sex and the City. I saw her for the first time in a movie named The Family Stone( This is one movie which can be definitely made into a Bollywood blockbuster).

Megan Fox

She looks like a beautiful wax doll and has this amazing figure. 🙂 From wiki : Fox’s breakout role was playing Mikaela Banes, Shia Labeouf‘s character’s love interest in the 2007 blockbuster film Transformers, a role for which Fox won and was nominated for various Teen Choice Awards.

Katrina Kaif

Our Indian competition to the Hollywood babes. 🙂 No matter how bad her acting crying skills are, she is a show stealer. ‘Teri Oor’ was one song which extracted a collective sigh from the male fraternity. Watching her dance in front of the Pyramids of Egypt clad in a saree was too much for us!

Cate Blanchett

She is the Best Actress in Hollywood right now. A beautiful woman and a charming personality.  She rose to fame with Shekhar Kapur’s Elizabeth, followed by great movies like The Aviator, Babel, Notes on a Scandal, Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull and The Curious Case of Benjamin Button.

MEN

Now comes the difficult part. I had to litrally scratch them out!

Brad Pitt

An extremely extremely handsome man. I started liking him as an actor after Troy and Babel. I think he was extraordinary in The Curious Case of Benjamin Button.

Hrithik Roshan

One of the most handsome Indian Actors, Hrithik’s debut will always be remembered in the history of Indian Cinema. He is the only actor besides Rishi Kapoor who took the Best Actor and the Best Debut trophy in the same year. Jodhaa Akbar could have turned into a disaster if he would not have played the lead.

Enrique Iglesias

He has the perfectly lean body. Not too muscular, not too pulpy, just perfect. His face has a certain innocence which is quite well exploited in all his songs.  Of all his song videos, I think Rhythm Divine is the best.

Shah Rukh Khan

Yeah! I know quite a lot of you don’t like him because of his a-a-a-acting skills but that can’t take away the charisma from the man. I have always believed that 20 years down the line, our generation will be known as the Shah Rukh Era generation, very similar to how we refer to our parent’s generation as the Amitabh Bachchan era generation. Undoubtedly, he has given the biggest blockbusters in the past 20 years and he can do wonders with the right role. Examples : Swades, Chak De India and Dil Se.

Tom Cruise

Another guy with the right mix of personality and good looks. I specially liked him in Top Gun, Rain Man, Mission: Impossible, Jerry Maguire and Minority Report.

Mel Gibson

What eyes! And what smile! A fantastic director who gave us movies like Braveheart, The Passion of the Christ and Apocalypto.

Shahid Kapoor

He is amongst a very few talented actors we have in our industry right now. Jab We Met was definitely his breakthrough movie. I really wish he had won some awards that year. Do you know that he was a background dancer in the song – ‘Kahi aag lage’ in Taal?

Chris Evans

Chris is best known for his work in the movie Fantastic Four as the Human Torch for which he was also nominated in the Teen Choice Award. I handsome upcoming actor.

Akshay Kumar

Its almost 20 years now and this man has no sign of fatigue. Started as an action hero, he has given some huge hits in the past few years. A very handsome man with a croocked smile. 🙂

Amit Sharma

What!?! Stop laughing!! Haven’t you heard of the phrase – Love thyself!? How can I expect someone else to like me if I don’t like myself? 😛

Thats it folks! Clean up your keyboards now!

Fear

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

p.s. This is (again) not an email forward. 😉