I held the blade close to my wrist. Its cold, sharp edge ready to slice my skin and spill my blood. It reminded me of cold winters. I tried hard to slash it, to end everything. My hands did not tremble but that was not courage. Courage is much more than that.
I do not remember my parents forcing me to become a doctor or an engineer. Maybe they were confidant that I will choose either of the professions eventually because I topped every year in my school. I, on the other hand had pretty much no idea. It is sad that we are asked to make important decisions of life at such a young age, when we do not know our mind and the implications of our decisions. That is why it is so easy to mold a person into thinking that what the rest of the herd is doing is best for him too. I did not prepare for the IIT entrance exam with much zeal and failed. My parents, teachers and friends felt bad. They always thought that I was destined for bigger things, like I was supposed to be the Prime Minister.
During my stint in Delhi University, I saw everyone prepare for the GATE exams conducted by IIT. Yes, the mammoth was again in front of me and I was supposed to tame and ride it. Everyone in the college believed that our best shot at a decent job was to somehow get into an engineering stream, otherwise you would end up being a PhD student which a lot of us abhorred. My parents were silently observing my moves. They had too much faith in me. And so I started preparing for the GATE exam.
I gave it a year and put my heart and soul in it. I would study for hours and lose track of time. I would study travelling in the bus to college. I would study late at night till I would realize with a start that I was drowning the book in my drool. I believed that there was no college mate of mine who was putting in so much hard work as I was. I found out later that everyone had the same notion about themselves.
I took my entrance exam with half of India. Thousands of us were fighting for a few hundred seats. When you see such a rush of students who sit with you and solve those questions, you are always hit by a wave of doubt. Maybe you should have prepared more. Maybe you should have prayed harder so that God would have sneaked in an extra one hour in your daily routine.
I was at a friend’s home when the results were announced. Both of us immediately went to an Internet cafe near her house and checked the results. My name was not there. I checked again and again. Maybe there was a mistake. My friend looked at me with pity and rubbed my shoulder. I checked the result for another friend who I believed had studied very little. He was selected. I got up from the seat and told my friend that I was leaving for home. She ran after me and called my name but I was not listening. I kept walking towards the bus stop. I felt desperately lost. It was as if my life had come to a grinding halt.
On my journey home, I thought about various ways to commit suicide. I thought of jumping off the terrace but I knew I would never be able to do that because of my fear of heights. Drinking poison was also out of the question because that might turn extremely painful. Finally I came up with slashing my wrist at night when everyone was asleep. I thought that I would bleed to death by morning and no one will know.
When I reached home, I did not disclose the result to my parents. After dinner, I sneaked into my parent’s room and took out a blade from dad’s shaving kit. That night, when everyone was asleep, I held the blade in my hand and tried to cut my wrist. I tried for almost the whole night, building up courage again and again and then failing like a coward. I imagined the scene in the morning. I imagined my mother crying after seeing my corpse and the bedsheet stained with my blood. I imagined my father and sister going in an uncontrollable grief. I imagined their world crumbling to pieces. I imagined their life ahead.
I was not able to slash my wrist that night. I was awake when the sun arrived, when the birds started their morning rituals, when people started coming out of their homes for a morning walk. Then I got up and kept the blade back in my father’s shaving kit. It was not worth it. My death would not have been an isolated incident. My family would have died with me.
It has been 10 years since that incident. Now when I look back, I understand what a fool I was. I was about to kill myself because I did not pass an entrance exam. Had I done that, I would have missed everything that happened in my beautiful life in the past ten years. The bonds of friendship that I created during my stay in Kurukshetra (where I did my M.Tech and finally became an engineer) would not have existed. All those amazing memories of the time I spent in Bhubaneshwar and Chennai would not have existed. I would not have visited Kodaikanal, Rameshwaram, Munnar, Pondicherry, Konark, Agra, Amritsar, Goa, Manchester, Paris, London, Scotland and Switzerland. I would have never seen snow falling like soft cotton from the sky. I would have never got married and fallen in love (yes, it happened the other way round). My daughter would not have existed. I would never have seen those tears in the eyes of my parents when they held my daughter in their hands for the first time.
When I think of all the beautiful memories of the past ten years, I shudder to think of the consequences if I would have slashed my wrist that night. And then I burst with happiness that I didn’t. I have realized that our life is too important to lose it over such minuscule hiccups. It is more grand than any of us can imagine. It has so many unknown twists and turns that it can leave us breathless.
Trauma hits everyone of us and we do certain things in the heat of the moment that we later repent. For better sense to prevail, it is a good strategy to allow things to cool down. Maybe I would not have taken the drastic step if I would have thought about it for a day or two.
Nearly a million people commit suicide every year. They leave behind a trail of destroyed families who might never recover from the shock. I wish everyone is as coward as I was that night. They would then know that Forrest Gump’s mother was right. Life is indeed like a box of chocolates.
[image from here]
Related reads – Suicide Warning Signs, Suicide Awareness Day
USC’s MSW Programs Blog Day.
I think this is a true story and I really have no words. Except that thank God good sense prevailed that night. Everyone of us goes through trauma and the weakness to end it all is momentary. We need to simply have enough courage to live through the darkness and see the dawn beyond. And you were brave enough to do that !
Yes, it is a true story. This is a part of me that a very few people know about.
I think when you are in that phase, the darkness is like a black hole. You really have to push hard to get out of it.
With so many young people wanting to end their lives, I hope everyone reads this post. Never take impulsive decisions, this too shall pass, and spare a thought for your loved ones.
I also know that when you are in depression, you really cannot understand the implications of the act. At such a time, family and friends have to keep an eye on the person. We do not even recognize depression as an ailment which can be cured by medicines.
Strong strong post. I know the feeling. That same sense of despair has come over me during my worst hours and I always wondered – what’s the point of carrying on? But then, I always tell myself – this isnt how it ends. We fail in one aspect of life… that is not the end of the world. It doesnt define us. Ending our life ends any chance of a brighter future we may have had.
Have seen so many young patients in recent years come with a slit wrist or a tablet overdose. I wish someone had been there in their time of need too just to let them know its never the end of the world.
We all go through such emotions at one point or another in our life. It is so strange that we pin our whole life to one event or person that we are not able to see beyond that.
I am sure all those people who commit suicide would have laughed at themselves 10 years down the line if they would have given themselves a chance.
I liked this line”My death would not have been an isolated incident. My family would have died with me.” Every one of us go through lows and when things go so wrong as they sometime will this is a post worth reading again!! It is not how much we are capable which make us strong, it is how much we have endured!! You write amazing stories which appear to be almost real life incidents!!
First to like now !!! 😛
Is it real or reel by the way..Hard to believe!!
Thanks Paatiamma. Yes, this is all real. 🙂 And I am glad that I lived to tell the tale.
It is scary, isn’t it? We can go down the depths of despair, and life will seem to have lost meaning, but it always bounces back doesn’t it? I am so glad that you lived and have shared your experience here. There is no courage in taking a life. Courage is in facing it every day.
Yes, it always bounce back but that is something we don’t realize when we are in depression. It is strange that we always make plans for our future but then a moment comes when you cannot see your future anymore.
I too am glad that I did not take that drastic step.
That really pulled at the heart strings. So glad you decided to stick around.
Thanks KayEm. I am glad too.
Hmmm..I know the feeling. I had suicidal thoughts first when I couldn’t get into medical. It was devastating. And then after GATE when inspite of having a rank in 300s i couldn’t get into IIT. There was this thing you know, to prove myself in front of others. I failed and I thought of ending it all.I even wrote a really lengthy suicide letter. Thankfully I wasn’t brave enough to kill myself. Somewhere I had this hope, a little tiny winy hope that someday its all going to be good, may be not what I want but something worth living for.I wanted to see how wrong can it get. I started writing, taking it all out here and things changed. And now that I read your story I know I would have missed a lot many things by ending my life. Our life is just not our own, our family, friends, they all share a part of our life. And by killing ourselves, we murder a part of them. Its just not fair.
I think the problem is that we pin all our hopes on one thing. We make it the center of our existence. It is as if life cease to exist beyond it.
But there is always hope. We can always work towards a better future. At least we can try.
I pretty much identify with this. ;-D
It does bring a smile because I realized how stupid the thoughts were when they did come.
I usually tell my younger team members and recruits (And now saying it here) – the destination may not be known, but the ride is pretty damn worth it! Keep at it.
I am actually surprised at the number of people with suicidal tendencies here. 😛
Yes, it does feel ridiculous when I look back. What was I thinking?
You are absolutely right. It is the journey that matters, 🙂
there u go …. I liked this post very much… I have myself been thru this phase when I was pregnant with my first one and my husband and his family had tortured me mentally , Well I went to a Counsellor ( thanking myself) .Because I knew there was something wrong.I needed support where my family(parents) were useless support infact supported my inlaws and looked at me as the wrong one..You see Damaad should be happy no matter what happens to your daughter ….
Well I got one response from counsellor , they(in laws) will be more happy when u die…. I changed my thought immediately 🙂 , Well I have fought back very nicely and for myself my my kid …Kudos to me !!
People usually belittle the positive role counselling might play with people under depression. It can work wonders at times as it did in your case. I am glad that you made the right decision and are happy now. Yes, kudos to you! 🙂
Hats off to you for having the courage to write this post. Sense prevailed that fateful night and in turn you are blessed with a beautiful life. Stay blessed. 🙂
Thanks Destiny’s child. 🙂
ok….Firstly , its kinda scary…I mean it takes a heck lot of courage to end ones own life and hence the reasons for doing so should be equally drastic. On the other hand , after a person as young as a student end his/her life , the family he leaves behind , parents , relatives or friends….They would probably die a slow painful emotional death…
I don’t think any reason is drastic enough to end your life. But whenever we have such thoughts, we should always try to imagine how your decision will look like 10 years down the line if we choose to live. The thought irons out a lot of things.
I too hope that this article reaches everyone who at some point or the other contemplate taking this fierce step. I had always been sure about one thing, come what may, I will not end my life. During my teenage I realized that I am made for humanities and my performance deteriorated in mathematics & science subjects every year, making my parents spend sleepless nights & me stepping towards depression. Once I spent more time than usual in the bathroom without doing anything, just thinking about my life. Incidentally my result came out that day and needless to say it was not satisfactory. Suddenly I heard my mom bang the door and scream my name. She had feared that I might take the extreme step but I assured her that no matter what, am never going to chicken out. The expression of relief on her face gave me hope. I did excellent in my later life & thank my decision for that.
I am a very optimistic person but I really don’t know what hit me that one time. That was the only time when I wanted to take that drastic step. Of course, it sounds completely foolish to me now.
I think it is more about losing hope and going into depression that chickening out. When you are in depression, your mind refuses to reason. It is an ailment like any other.
Ohhh…am shocked and surprised to read that you were in such despair at some point in your life. I could never really understand why someone would want to end their life for any reason. I had a difficult childhood but suicide was never an option, never even crossed my mind. Wouldn’t committing suicide mean that whatever we were fighting would win? Life is so much more…glad you came out of it! 🙂
That was a bad phase but it is over now. It left me more optimistic in the end. 🙂
I think there are many small factors that push someone to such an extreme. I am glad that I came out of it.
And, you failed to be a stereotype too in these 10 years. Bah! 🙂
Helloo! Look who the post dragged in! 🙂 I am glad that you think that way. I think I am turning into a stereotype. How are you?
I was scared while reading it. I am so glad that you didn’t take the step that day. I hope more and more people read about this and look at the bigger picture of life.
Yes, to think of a better future always help. Hope can always bring us out of miseries.
Every time I read a personal post of yours, I get to know you better. And then I feel happy that I know you.
Hard for me to judge what is going on in such a person’s mind for I have never had suicidal tendencies myself, but I sure am so glad that you put that blade away and trudged ahead with life! I say it was a reasonably good decision 😀
Thanks Rickie. 🙂
Yes, it was a reasonably good decision. I would have missed some really great moments.
I have always abhorred suicides. I have failed million times, got cheated badly, got dumped badly, failed in the only few things in life I was serious about….there was a phase, a very weak one, when I started hitting myself every night, slaps after slaps and cried to sleep swollen faced. But I always tought suicide needs a lot of courage and I don’t hav that. I always thought may be I haven’t been tat serious in life, or loved someone to commit suicide, I always weighed it against what after I die. And always thought if this situation arise. I would rather run away with all the money I can n see the world, live by a beach side, stay in a jungle, work in an shady hotel kitchen….I don’t know why but I always thought I woud rather run away n lead an anonymous life than commit suicide.
My mamaji committed suicide and my nanaji could never recover from that. He survived a very fatal cancer but not his son’s action and passed away within the same year.
Maybe your abhorrence for suicides stemmed from this incident in your family. The thought never crossed my mind too except for that one time. I was desperate to find a foothold and I was going nowhere career wise. I know that now it seems foolish but at that point of my life, things were as messy as they could get. And running away never came to my mind because I was a student then and that means I was penniless. 🙂 I still am.
I studied medicine, not out of any pressure but because I knew nothing about any other subject… that is how the situation has become… engineering and medicine are the only sane places according to the society.. but as i attended university, i realised that it was not my area.. i have loved writing and my ultimate area of interest has always been sock-political sector… and that i why i decided to go for Masters in Geo-politics, at that moment i faced immense opposition from the society and family.. but i am happy…. never lose hope on things such as marks and career… do what you feel is correct… this might be a little off topic, but i said it coz u were scared to tell the results… sometimes we must face up to whatever stands before us.
and otherwise… this might be inappropriate, but slashing the wrist would have never killed you, it is difficult to die that way and try imagining the situation then… sometimes we take too rash decision without realising the consequences of our actions!
I am very glad that you followed your heart. Sadly, I was a directionless youngster during those times who had no idea what he wanted to do with his life. And hence this situation. I desperately attached all my hopes with this one exam.
//sometimes we take too rash decision without realising the consequences of our actions!
Exactly. That was what I wanted to convey with this post.
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Too much emphasis on what you know this minute and not on what you have the potential to become. Any culture that says that the true measure of a person is his acadmic score is going to lose everyone gentle and sensitive. And we can’t condemn suicide without condemning every factor that contributes to it – so family and educational institutions better watch out.
Exactly. We pin too much on one thing. There are several doors that open and close during our life. We just have to choose to the best of our abilities. If it the wrong door, we have to find another one.
Our education system has eaten up a lot of young students. I hope that the Grading system, however flawed it is, saves some lives.
I can totally relate to that.It was exactly the same way how I felt when I couldn’t get through the medical entrance..missed it by few ranks. It totally destroyed me.I felt that my life’s ended,as if every door has closed in front of me.I even thought of ending my life..of course I didn’t have the courage.The thought of suicide only existed in my brain.and I didn’t even try to turn into reality.Thank God for that.Now looking back I realize how stupid I was to consider losing in exams as the end of the world. Now I am happy with my studies and realize how much I would have missed if I had taken the wrong step .God always has a better plan for us. 🙂
It takes a lot of courage to end your life. You have to be mad and completely blind with grief. We should always give life another chance. 🙂
Life makes so much sense in hindsight, isn’t it?
But at the heat of the moment when the hammer of failure & depression has just hit us, thinking rationally is too tough a call. I am glad you decided otherwise on that fateful night.
Yes, whenever in a tough situation, go 10 years ahead and look at your decisions. A lot of things will start making sense. It is tough and the ability comes with age and experience.
Wonderfully honest blogpost Amit. Yes life is far too varied and beautiful to sacrifice for any reason
Thanks Ritu. Yes, the beauty of life is that it is full of surprises.
I don’t know why suicide is seen as a crime and not as a mental condition, maybe a short term depression or something… have seen suicide as euthanasia at some point of time, and the hope that it was possible to end the pain with death actually kept me going. Now I think only those who are clinically depressed actually commit suicide.
I believe it is a result of depression. Most of the people fail to acknowledge that depression can be cured by counselling and medication. I have seen that happen in my family and was pretty amazed by the results. Here people have the mindset that if you are seeing a psychiatrist then you are mad. You can’t get more vague than that.
Amit, hats off to you for having the courage to blog about this personal experience!
Because of the mindset that “if you are seeing a psychiatrist then you are mad”, many persons with psychological/psychiatric issues (and their families) avoid treatment or counselling, leading to worsening of their condition.
We need to understand that a psychiatrist treats the brain just as a cardiologist treats the heart, etc. The brain is just another organ of the body. We must remove the stigma associated with mental health issues.
Thank you Proactive Indian.
I have also seen that there is no awareness about the symptoms of depression. I know of a family who had no idea that a member was suffering from severe depression. It was only after a relative hinted that there might be a problem, the family took the patient to a counselor.
Been there, done that too !:) Only when the cutting wrist act didn’t help, I tried mouthwash instead 🙂
Mouthwash? 🙂 Now that is a new one.
Hmm! Never really wanted anything badly enough nor tied my sense of self to something external to me to contemplate suicide but I can see where it comes from and I am glad that you did not give in that day. You would have lost all that life extended to you and shall continue to extend and we would have lost your writing.
I guess I was an idiot but then you are supposed to be an idiot at that age. Thankfully I snapped out if it.
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honest confession there amit ; thank god you did not end up doing anything rash and wish the people who ended up as statistics had the courage and will power to look ahead with hope in life…. Life is beautiful no matter what !
Thanks Priya. Yes, a lack of courage set me in the right direction. If this post can help someone, then I will be the happiest person in the world.
A phase which everyone goes through, just wish all had the strength to realise how dangerous it is.
Beautifully written, straight from the heart.
Thanks Imp’s mom. Yes, the number of people who commit suicide every year is abnormally large, and so is the number of shattered families.
Amit, I really do not know what to say, just hats off to your courage to say these things openly. Hugs!!!!
It took me a while to father some courage to write this post especially because my parents are not aware of what I did.
Good that you failed! Have a great life ahead!
Amit – I am moved that you have the courage to talk about this. You don’t how many lives you might actually save by this, my friend. I hardly come by your blog and this post of yours tells me, I’m stupid not to. Respect!!
Thanks Corinne for your wonderful comment. I will be really happy if this post helps someone.
I am really glad that you came here and liked the post.
Seems like a familiar story (the suicide part).. I too considered some of the alternatives mentioned above to end up my life.. although the reason was different..It takes a lot of courage to end life like that. well..don’t know it was lack of courage that I could not end up popping naphthalene balls or was I courageous enough to live & go through that pain which that depressing phase of life had brought with it. One must always remember that there is no wound that time can not heal.
I could not agree more on “My death would not have been an isolated incident.”
That is exactly I wanted to convey. Some of the occuramces in our life which appear to be depressing are actually blessings in disguise.
Then there are some sad moments that always live with us but time does make them hazy.
In any case we should have the courage to move on.
Life is worth living even if one has to cross an ocean of difficulties . Taking away one’s own life is not a solution as there are many lives attached to one’s life. beautiful story.
What you have written is absolutely true.
Followed @IHM’s link. That is a great post you wrote looking back after ten years. Few years ago DG was in a bad situation and saw no way of getting out than self destruction. Then she thought of her mother how she’ll be at double loss, 1st losing a child and 2nd bearing nasty/snide remarks from so called extended family how it was her fault that she supported DG in pursuit of her dreams that were a writing on the wall.
Only if we could give young the courage to speak up and tell them life is worth living no matter what.
I am overwhelmed that so many of us have gone through similar upheavels in life and come out as winners.
I wish there was more emphasis on councelling during such stressful times. So many lives could have been saved.
I remember in my small town during the board exam results season there use to be guards posted at the local lake under the fort and still few students jumped in and killed themselves, it was mostly female students male students (banaji) could be half metric pass or double metric and no body cared, wish instead of guards they had counseling services at the schools.
That way I am an ace coward I could never muster the courage to hurt myself.
Then few years ago in a Yogi Bhajan Video I heard him say, if you commit suicide you leave unfinished business with people, places and things, you have to come back and deal with same people, places and things that you were trying to escape. And there is no guarantee these nasty people will be better next time around. So it means you’ll lose all the years you spent now and then you’ll have to start all over again from birth. That made a lot of sense to me it will 1.5 times the work and lazy me has already done quite a bit of work. Let me just finish it this time.
Just curious if you exhibit any of these warning signs or it was a spur of the moment decision.
I definitely showed the following signs after I saw the results –
Feeling hopeless and helpless. In despair they only see darkness and no other alternative to their situation.
Feeling strong anger or rage.
Feeling trapped — like there is no way out of a situation. For a person who feels stuck and trapped their thinking is clouded they see no other alternative to their situation.
I think I always had this feeling at the back of my mind that I might fail. Thousands of students give the exam and only a few hundred pass. But I was very very optimistic. That is why I was not able to cope with it. Everything came crashing down. I reached the decision within hours.
I am too shocked to write a comment. Thank God, good sense prevailed.
Being the joker I am, I know it is shocking. 🙂
How sad most of us exhibit classic warning signs of suicide yet our loved ones just don’t pay attention.
Yours is a great post, just a suggestion how about adding the link I gave in an effort to raise awareness about suicide prevention. September is National Suicide Prevention Awareness month Sept 8-14, 2013 and Sept 10th is Suicide Prevention Day.
Thanks DG. I will immediately add it to the post.
When I read about young lives lost because they felt they disappointed their parents, my heart cries out for them! If only they had waited a little longer to see the bigger picture.
A poignant read.
I wish we do not burden our young generation with various pressures of society. I hope we understand that we are murdering them.
I am moved by this post. Thanks for sharing such a personal account. Yesterday, before I read your post, I wrote a story where I had the protagonist reach their death and then decide not to end their life. The journey is full of hope. We may, at the spur of the moment, not understand that but hope lives within each one of us. If we hope that all is going to fit well, eventually, life lives on. Good luck, ma fren’
Thanks Rainbow hues.
Yes, one thing which we should never forget is that in the worst of storms, hope always floats.
I always believe to end one’s life the person has to be really brave…Me too took a blade and kept it under the pillow for the whole night but didn’t had courage to do …now i think that was my foolish act and good i was not brave enough……yeah me too would have missed the snow and seeing Niagara falls…..
See? We were all brave enough to live and tell the tale. 🙂
Immensely brave of you to share this story Amit!
Thanks Sapna. It took me a while to gather courage.
All’s well that ends well. I believe it is cowardly to commit suicide. It is the easiest way to escape the hurt and the pain of disappointments. I am glad that you lost your nerve and are here writing your experience. I think your post will give a lot of courage to people who are secretly thinking of doing it.
Thanks Lazy pineapple. I agree with you that suicide is a cowardly act but a person in depression will not understand that.
I am glad too that I lost the nerve.
Followed your blog through IHM. What a thoughtful and courageous post.Life can be trying at times and one feels that the only way out is to kill yourself. I have been there before and thought of ending my life several times but never had the courage to go through it. I have seen families of people who took the step and how it destroyed them completely. The negative thoughts, the pain of the loved one gone and the big question of why did they do it.
I am glad that you had the courage to stop yourself as well and made a happy and beautiful life for yourself and your family.
On a side note happy to stumble upon your blog.
Welcome to my blog. 🙂
Yes, I am glad that I stopped myself. A little bit of hope always helps.
What really kills me is that there are so many children who are sacrificed on the altar of our education system. So many lives lost and for what?
Hugs hugs hugs Amit…Thank God and Thank God again that you didnt do it…so much pressure on children…I know a couple who lost their only brilliant child to the pressures of class 12 exams even before the exams begun the year 3 Idiots was released…They are still in grief and it seems so so unfair for an awesome couple to lose their child to an unfair education system 😦
Thanks R’s Mom.
That was so sad. I cannot imagine what the parents would have gone through. 😦
This was such a heartwarming, important and timely post considering the number of youngsters who are battling with depression and considering suicide nowadays.
Kudos to you for writing this post and submitting the same to Blogadda’s Spicy Saturday picks, and thanks to them for picking this and giving it the necessary publicity.
I am glad that you liked the post. I hope I am able to send a positive signal to someone in distress.
I heard that ppl who commit suicide attempt it multiple times and finally succeed . I have haunting memories of few friends who did. One from school, another from tution and one in neighbor hood.. Head spins thinking about that momentary decision. Not sure if a proper counselling can change it. I hope many people who lose hope read this post
Yes, many people do that but the thought never crossed my mind. After this incident, I knew I did not have the courage.
Thanks Afshan. I hope so too.
suicides are two kinds,
1.people who don’t have choice other than death coz they are in a situation after being morally right and wise all through their life where their loved one’s too are not bothered about his/her death situation that was created out of everyone’s opportunistic/selfish approach towards life.these people are not cowards,they have led life with clarity from childhood ,these people are as wise as sigmund freud,socrates,plato. death to these people is peace from unnatural world.everyone don’t live for the sake of it,they don’t live for food and money,they live with passion and end when there is no further purpose in life.
2.ignorant and immature people who don’t have clarity in life from childhood coz of bad parenting and environment around them.these suicides are out of stupidity.
as a doctor,i came across lots of suicide cases,i wrote this after going though many suicide stories.
I think suicidal tendencies are natural if a person has depression. It might be a result gone bad or loss of a child/loved one.
I don’t think a person is supposed to have clarity in life from childhood. You are supposed to experiment and choose your path. But yes, your environment does play an important part in shaping up your thoughts.
I’m so glad..really so that you didn’t have the courage ..Sigh!!
I am glad too Bhavia.
Oh dear god that was jolting! I’m so glad you didn’t take that drastic step, Amit. And so so glad that you have been courageous enough to look back at all those despairing moments and understand the futility of it all.
Thanks Deeps. Yes it was futile. I am glad that I am alive to understand that now.
Holy moly!! I And I initially started reading thinking this is some fictional post of yours. It’s only when I reached the part about your visiting London, Scotland, Manchester etc that I realised with a start that you are referring to your own life.
Suicide is not worth it. They say suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I agree.
Maybe some day I’ll write about my own experiences in life. Had my share of depressive days.
But honestly, never thought you’d have picked up a blade to slash yourself. But then that’s how it mostly is, right? The people whom you least expect to, would be the ones with the most problems, struggling to find an answer. Strange…
I don’t come across as a person who can go ahead and do it, right? Life has been actually great after that incident. There was this terrible phase when I was completely unsure about the future. Once I got past that stupid attempt, I was able to add more positivity to life.
Correction. You don’t come across as a depressed person who’d ever think about it, let alone doing it! But then that also shows how far you’ve come I guess 🙂
Thanks for sharing your story Amit and de-stigmatising mental health even that little bit. I went through similar stuff myself and funnily enough, what stopped me was a song that made me think about all the things I could potentially miss out on in life. And I too am glad I never went ahead with it because life is beautiful despite all the ups and downs. I think when we are in moments of despair, we can’t see clearly and suicide appears to be the only option. It’s great that you were able to think about possible outcomes of your actions. I still think though that there needs to be mental health assistance available to prevent hundreds of others who are even further into the depths of depression and hopelessness and cannot see any kind of hope. Hopefully that will change in India someday.
I think they did start a helpline for students after a series of suicides but that certainly has to be extended. Another problem is that the general public is not aware that mental illness is like any other disease.
And is it not strange that very small things like a song or a distant memory pulls us back towards life?
Thank you for sharing your story.
I was 14 when I attempted suicide because I flunked in 9th. I found pesticide and tried mixing it with water (this is the only fastest way I knew). I was shit scared. I mean, I had no idea what will happen next. I was too worried for me. I was hoping to die soon like immediately and not suffer endlessly. I spilled the water in which I had mixed pesticide on the floor and suddenly from nowhere my dog came into the room, he was thirsty. OMG… I panicked even more..what if he drank the water and died…. I cleaned the room immediately and threw the glass far away.
There have been many times when I thought of ending my life like sometimes I felt I have totally wasted it, I have no friends, I don’t socialize much and so on and so forth. But never dared to take my life. Because, it is tough to give up and get out. I have heard this from many that people who commit suicide are cowards, but I think it is otherwise. They are not cowards, they are anything but cowards.
Thank you for sharing your story Ambika.
It takes a lot of courage to take life. It is easier to live, no matter how hard life gets.
Thanks for sharing your experience, life is too precious and not to be ended for what ever be the reason.
Yes, I completely agree.
Thank you for reading.
Strong post.. So many people succumb due to their failure in life.. Thanks for sharing an example from your life.. Hope when a passerby passes by your blog and who is thinking of doing it, stops doing it.. New to your blog.. Nice blog.. Following you..!!
Thanks colorsaroundmysoul and welcome here.
I will be very happy if my story inspires someone to live.
I have been here. I was in this exact place a year ago, although I never went as far as actually attempting suicide, but I certainly thought about it a lot. Like you, I was too much of a “coward” to go through with it.
Life isn’t fair. That’s the heart breaking thing about it. You can put your heart and soul in to something, but when you don’t get returns, its always a question of “Why bother?” But we should bother anyway–not for the results, but because the act of not bothering about things, of not trying to accomplish things, would leave the world stagnant.
So, we’ll press forward. Who knows how the future will go. Me, I’m not planning on dying for a long time, if I can help it. As much as the world sucks, I don’t think I’d ever get tired of staring at it, of trying things and falling short (hope springs eternal after all).
I agree. There is so much beauty in the world that I now truly believe that it is a sin to take your life. The beauty of life lies in the way it unfolds.
I have always believed in the saying – Everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle. And that keeps me going. Whenever there is a problem, I think of people who are addressing a much larger issue. Thankfully, the thought of suicide has never occurred. Who knows, life after death might just be worse.
That is exactly what I tell people around me whenever they feel sad. There are so many people fighting losing battles every day of their life.
More strength to you, Amit. I am glad you’re on this side of the world! I think tough times make us much stronger, less judgmental and more compassionate to the rest of the world around us!
I am glad too Deepa. I was a dumb kid then. I had no idea what I was doing. There is so much more to life than passing an entrance exam.
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Touching post, so much so that I’m inspired to come up with a similar post of my own. Hope, God gives the heart and courage to write that part of me that only my heart is aware of.
Yes, you should write about it. You will be surprised (like me) to know that you are not alone.
Amit, I can think of the courage it needs to put up such incidents for the world to read. I could not gather the courage to write more than 5 sentences on what was my story. Hope it helps to someone.
Thank you Sugandha.
I was very apprehensive initially but then so many people came ahead saying that they had similar thoughts that suddenly I do not feel alone. We all go through hell in our life at one point of time or another.
You said it right, when you wrote about courage. Courage is coming out of that dark night, and facing the dawn. Thank you for this wonderfully articulated slice of life. I’m going to be sharing this.
A young Class XII student, from a sister school, just committed suicide last Sunday, and it is believed it had something to do with her parents scolding her, and her under par performance in the Exams going on. When I read this today, I am filled with thanks that you found that strength to not do so. God Bless.
Thank you very much Usha.
I am really sorry for that student. Exam result is one of the most overrated things in India. It is only after a few years that we understand that they really don’t matter much in the long run. People who have average results don’t die of hunger.
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You are welcome.
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Very relevant and something that a lot of us would have gone through one time or the other as a result of failed aspirations and dejection.One thing that I always marvel about is that so many things are fated -what we do or what we don’t do and the wrong forks we could have taken in life but stopped short. Looking back, I ascribe it a lot to chance and send a prayer of thanks to the presence of mind that prevailed.
The forks always fascinate me. 🙂 How different our life would have turned if we would have taken a different fork. We can only imagine this.
And once we take a fork, life always makes sense when we look back.
Too good! I have blogged on many topics similar to yours, (i have posted about Rapes and Jiah Khan Suicide too) but the way you bring it out is indescribable!
Thank you for reading and liking the post.
I read it just now and I am here after a long gap. Indeed life is a box full of chocolates. I loved that line “that was not courage. Courage is much more than that.” That’s definitely true. Attempting suicide because of our innate fear to face things is cowardice whereas facing things in life is what courage. Suicide rates in India are plummeting and in TN, it’s really rocketing and I have written a piece a year ago when one of my college mate committed suicide http://freezingeternity.blogspot.in/2012/08/death-debris-and-decay.html.
It’s really grief pushing all around us into one. Nice write.