The boy with orgasmic hair

nce upon a time, there lived a boy in India, whose hair were like that of a bear. Amateur barbers feared his presence because they could not comprehend the dense forest that grew on his head. They feared that they would have to use a magnet to find a scissor dropped accidentally in that lushness. Seasoned barbers approved his presence with a nod and a curt smile, just like a Gladiator would acknowledge a fearsome tiger. The boy’s viral hair growth was a challenge which they gracefully accepted. Some barbers would plead him to have a haircut more frequently because they could not afford to break so many combs and lose so many customers and spend half their day serving him.

The boy was not sure whether to pity the barbers or laugh at them. Their hands would go numb snip-sniping as the boy’s locks fell like trees falling down to make way for cities. Sweat would drip from their brows and stain their underarms. Sometimes, the boy would admire his hair as he stood in front of the mirror, moving his neck here and there and tossing them like noodles tossed in large bowls in street food stalls. He would run his fingers through them and feel that part of his body where sunlight never reached (his scalp that is). Sometimes his fingers would get stuck and he had to untangle them.

Then one fine day, in the midst of a collective barber-ist-sigh-of-relief, the boy left for Manchester. There was a celebration in his locality that day. The Barbers gave free haircuts to everyone.

The barbers in Manchester did not use scissors to cut his hair. They used trimmers and would just ask for the attachment comb number before mowing down his hairs as if they were grass gone wild in a lawn. What surprised the boy was that in a country where an alarming number of men were bald or were going to be bald soon, not a single barber praised his hair. They were so full of themselves, jabbering about their life all the time as they trimmed his hair to vapid styles.

A year later, he got married and his wife moved in with him. It was that year when he discovered a small barber shop tucked in a corner of a road near his home. It was run by three she-barbers and he had the privilege of getting serviced by all three of them.

 on’s Encyclopedia

The first she-barber who sheared his hair was a slim, handsome woman. She had black hair and black eyes. As she cut his hair, she told him about her son Mike who was nine years old. She talked so much about him that by the time she was done with the boy, he knew that little Mike had a mole on his left butt and his second molar was making its bucket list. He knew that Mike loved to play basketball and hated onions. He knew that Mike was learning Judo and loved Shrek. The boy was now having a feeling that he had known Mike ever since his mother pushed him out of her body. The she-barber also asked him about India and how she hated Manchester’s rainy weather. The boy invited her to come and live in 45 degrees in Indian summers. 

 rimming fingers

The next time the boy went to the shop, he found a smiling, chubby blonde waiting to slice his hair. By this time, he have had enough of trimmers and those ughhh haircuts that he asked her to use a scissor. She blinked and stared at him as if her had asked her to use some alien technology. She obliged and soon the familiar snipping sound of the scissor filled the ears of the boy. He closed his eyes to treat his eardrums. The sound of “Oh Shit!!!!!!” brought him back to reality. He opened his eyes and found that the she-barber number 2 had snipped her own finger and was dripping blood all over the floor. The boy had an impulse to laugh out loud and roll on the floor holding his stomach but he controlled it and asked her to put her finger in running water. He asked her not to use the scissor anymore after she bandaged her finger but she insisted. He held his breath till she finished because he was expecting his blood smeared ear to fall in his lap anytime.

 y Orgasmic Hair

She-barber number 3 was a beautiful young woman beaming at him as he entered the shop. Her eyes twinkled as she laid them on him. As the boy settled on the seat, she ran her fingers in his thick hair. She did it again and again and again till the boy started to worry that she will keep doing this for the rest of her life. He cleared his throat and she said – “Your hairs are soooohhhh thick!”. He smiled. It was after such a long time that someone had noticed his hair. She kept running her fingers in his hair as she snipped them slowly and kept repeating this at regular intervals.

“Your hairs are soooooooohhhh thick!!!”

“Your hairs are sooooooooooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhh thick!!!”

He was sure she was having multiple orgasms by just running her fingers in his hair and he was alarmed by it. Then she started talking to him and asked him about his hobbies.

“I watch a lot of movies and read books,” he said.

“Wow! Me too! I go for movies on weekends. Your hairs are sooooooooohhhh thick!”

“Great! I usually roam around in the City Center, watch a play at times.”

“Do you party on weekends? Go out or something like that? God! Your hair are sooooooohhhhhhh thick!!!”

“Sometimes.”

The boy knew where this was going. He was now supposed to ask her out but he kept his trap shut and the moment passed.

 ater when the boy reached home and told his wife about his adventures, she stared at him for a few seconds.

“Why didn’t you tell her that you are married?” She asked.

“What?!? When a girl is running her fingers in your hair, biting her lips and moaning that your hairs are soooooohhhhhh thick, you do not tell her that you are married. That is very rude.”

“She was not biting her lips,” his wife said.

“You were not there.”

“You would not have missed that detail in your first narration. Who else was there in the shop?”

“Ahem. Just the two of us.”

Silence.

“I love you baby,” the boy said.

“I hope so!”

It took a few days for the boy to bring things back to normal in his house but he never went back to that particular shop again. His wife always gave him a peculiar look when they passed it but always found him concentrating at the ducks and rowboats in river Mersey which ran under the bridge next to the shop.

A picture of the frozen river Mersey which the boy took as he and his wife passed the shop and when she gave him ‘that’ frozen look.

[Images from 1, 2, 3, 4]

The long and short of it…

Hello to all the fellow internet crawlers, to all my friends connected to me by zeroes and ones. Now now! Don’t jump from your seats and to conclusions. I am not back. It’s one of those three-months itch. Yes, I was missing my affair with my blog.

Like all other bloggers who go on a sabbatical, I am supposed to dive into an egotistic and pompous rant about the happenings in my life in the past few months, which I will dutifully indulge into, to satisfy all the masala hungry people here.

So, this is my first winter in Manchester and what a dull and gloomy place it has turned into. It gets dark at 4 in the afternoon and by the time I get up from my desk at 6, I feel like I have been working since eternity. There are cold winds bellowing all the time making those spooky horror movie sounds and turning my umbrella inside out. One thing that I really hate is wearing caps, which I have to do now because otherwise, I will not be able to feel my nose and ears by the time I reach home. It rains all the bloody (Yeah! Bloody and Bollocks are the two latest additions to my dictionary) day and the bell of my house gets short circuited in the rain and starts ringing continuously at 2 in the night. So, I have to get up from my bed and go to the door in freezing cold to throw out the batteries to make it stop hollering. Bollocks!

And do you think that an Indian landlord in Manchester would do you good? Well, think again. I shifted my house three months back and fell upon a smiling, obese Punjabi Uncle who acted like Mother India before I said Yes to the house. After I shifted, I literally had to rub my nose on the ground in front of him to get a few minuscule things to be fitted. He gives miserliness a new definition.

The reason I went on a break (and I am still on a break) was that I wanted to write a book. Now don’t hit me with a cliché by asking me the bloody story. As if I am going to tell you! Buy it and make some dough land in my wallet if it gets published. Ever! And it’s going on fine. Thank you very much. Some wise man said once – The first draft of anything is shit! Got the picture?

And then in between all this mayhem to which my life was subjected to…

I GOT ENGAGED!!!! YAY!!!

Well, long story short, it was through a matrimonial site. My parents had put my advertisement (I like imagining myself as a commodity. It’s quite aphrodisiacal) on a matrimonial site and had almost given up hope. It’s not because there were no takers. 😛 Far from it! It’s just that my parents had set some very high standards. You see, they think I am Hrithik Roshan and the rejection rate was as high as 50 girls/week. No kidding! Then along came Polly (Yeah, that’s what I’ll call her on the blog), and we started talking over phone. Our parents matched the horror-scopes and Voila! 33/36! They almost jumped out of their skin! So, we talked, talked on phone, talked on webcam and talked each other into saying yes without meeting. Kind of romantic, I think. So, I went back to India and there was a small ceremony called Roka. Done! Amit is sold! He is now Polly’s slave (this is such a turn on! 😉 ).

What else have I done in the previous months that was exciting….Ummm…

I saw a play for the first time in my life in the Palace Theatre here. It was a musical called Chicago (you might have seen the movie). Before the play started, I thought that live performances can never match the ‘razzle dazzle’ of the movies, but I was wrong. It was splendid (another word that I have picked up here. Everything is either splendid or wonderful or excellent). The downside? I went alone and missed Polly and thought that it would have been great if she was sitting next to me instead of the wonderfully fat lady who could barely fit in her seat and was brimming all over me.

Autumn was beautiful. I went around the city with my camera and took some photographs. I visited Style Mill with MB, a British friend and was literally transported a 100 years back, specially in the apprentice house. I’ll put the photographs soon. And now I think I am rambling.

Anyways, the reason I actually started writing this post was because Visceral Observations had recently announced the Avant Garde Bloggies Awards, which is wonderful! Since this is a kind of beat-my-own-drum post, I must jog your memory cells and remind you that I won 8 awards last year and again thank all of you who voted for me. So, the nominations have started and are open till 20 December. Nominate your posts and the posts which you think are worthy of recognition. It’s fun, believe me!

And here are a few details to kick start the process (which I am shamefully copying from Oxy’s blog).

Here is once again the link to everything you need to know about the Awards as well as how to nominate your and other’s posts. CLICK HERE.

Conceived by Visceral Observations

Badges Designed by Chirag. Have a look at the Badges by CLICKING HERE.

Volunteers VimalVee and Magik

Publicist Nikhil

The Categories CLICK HERE.

Official Video CLICK HERE.

So, go ahead and have fun and I’ll see you around.

The flowers are here!

Ever since winters have gone on a break here, Manchester has been on a color riot. I have never seen such a mind-boggling variety of flowers before and that too within a radius of a kilometer of my house. So, a brand new camera and a plethora of colours to experiment upon was reason enough for me to get started on my expedition.

Right now, the city is covered with innumerable varieties of flowers, a few of which are already been shed on the roads and parks in the form of innumerable petals. Believe me, the beauty of thousands of petals whirling on roads as the buses rush past OR the beauty of parks covered under a heavy blanket of petals with is something hard to pen down. So, here goes.

dscf4492

 

dscf4497

The city has an overdose of the pink flowered trees. Don’t ask me the names because I don’t have the slightest clue. During the months of April/May, the trees will be filled with such pink coloured flowers which would later fall and adorn the streets and parks. More photographs later.

dscf4501

Tulips are another favourite here. You will find them in the gardens of numerable houses.

dscf4518

 

dscf4521

These Lotus shaped flowers are also abundant. These are also the first ones to fall. The trees look really beautiful completely covered with them.

dscf4523

 

dscf4612

 

dscf4655

The grass all around the city is covered with these very tiny yellow flowers. 

dscf4659

 

dscf4675

When I saw these blue flowers, I thought, they should be called Bluebells. And voila! That was their name.

DSCF4677

 

DSCF4708

 

DSCF4713

 

DSCF4715

Well, this is what I was talking about. The pink flowered trees. This is a park near Rusholme. I got down from the bus to take a stroll and was awestruck by the beauty. And can you see the petals strewn over the ground?

dscf4663

No? Have a closer look!!

dscf4671

Well, that was it. Before going, I would also like to add two of my favourite photos from my collection. They are nowhere related to the topic of the post but are worth sharing. The first one is that of a cemetery near my house. Somehow it reminds me of a huge dormitory where all the children are sleeping. 🙂

dscf4507

The second one is that of the Manchester Eye. I love the clouds at the backdrop!

dscf4622

That is all gents and ladies. Over and out.

p.s. If you want any of these photos, just let me know.

Isle of Wight Trip

Phew! I feel like an underwear in a washing machine. Life is running faster than I could have imagined and all I could do is to muster up enough strength to stand steady. Getting used to a place is not easy as it sucks out all that you were used to. For me, it sucked out blogging, and for a few days I could not gather my thoughts to put them on my laptop screen and neither could I raise my finger to open my Reader. So, apologies, dear friends! And I hope that all of you would understand! 

So, coming back to the topic, one of my roomies here returned to India last week. Before going back he wanted to go to a nice, beautiful, peaceful place and the options were very less because:

  • Usually October-March is considered off season here in UK as Winters is a terrible time to roam around.
  • He had already seen London, Scotland, Blackpool and Lake District, all of which I still have to visit. So all these options were ruled out.

The only two options left were Wales and Isle Of Wight, both of which were again under an Off-season spell. Finally Wales was ruled out too and we ended up booking a car and Preeto(our TomTom aka GPS) for three days. Before going further, let me tell you about Isle of Wight as most of you must be in an impression that its the name of a Crater on the fifth moon of Saturn. Isle Of Wight is a small island on the Southern Tip of Great Britain. Its about 257 miles from Manchester which is about a 5 hours drive. The Isle is not accessible by road which means that you have to shove your car in a ferry and take it to the isle and vice versa. During summers there is a huge advanced booking for the ferry but we were fortunate due to our perfect timings!

isleofwightmap

theisle

This is the island as you can see in the map above. We went upto Portsmouth(upper right corner in the map) in the car and then took a ferry to Fishbourne, which is on the north east corner of the isle. Ferries also operate from Southampton and Lymington. Take your pick! 

The Island is spread over an area of mere 380 sq Km and is famous for its beautiful beaches of Shanklin, Ryde, Sandown and Yarmouth. Besides the beaches there was so much to explore that we found it extremely difficult to keep up the pace. And all this during the off season! Two notable, must visit points of the diamond shaped island are the Culver cliff and The Needles. If you really want to understand the meaning of breathtaking, you must visit these two points on the island. The Needles is undoubtedly the most picturesque area of the island which looks like the end of the chalk coloured ridge which runs across the whole island. 

The Culver Cliff on the other hand was used as a defence point as it was used to keep an eye on the vast ocean all around it. There were two nine inch guns kept there but the cliffs kept on eroding and most of it was lost. Now also, if you walk along the cliff, you can see the warning boards and the broken cliffs all around. I would suggest you to park your car at Yaverland beach and walk up the cliff from there towards the last point. Its a tiring walk of about half an hour but what you will see along the way is what you would never forget. 

Finally, there were many points of interest like The Osborne house, Carrisbrooke Castle, the zoo and the Railway Museum which we missed because they were closed due to the off season. It was a beautiful memorable trip and there were a bunch of breathtaking scenes which I would never forget in my life. I leave you with a few attempts to capture them:

This is a view of the Culver Cliff from Sandown Beach. If you see closely, there is a pole like structure on top of the cliff. That is the Yarborough Monument at the edge of the cliff. That is where you could walk up the cliff. And you have to be there to understand how the vast expanse of the ocean looks like from there, sprinkled with ships and with shimmering spots of sunlight strewn here and there.

img_28632

Well, this is what I was talking about. A few pictures of the view from the top of the cliff.

img_3127

img_3122

img_3104

Here are a few pictures I took while I was walking up the cliff

img_3052

 

img_3070

 

img_3062

The Yarborough Monument

img_3098

img_3019

img_2993

We woke up a 5:30 in the morning on the second day and went to see the sunrise. It was freezing cold and apparently we were the only one on the Sandown beach. The island loves to sleep!

img_3006

And that’s me, staring at the Sun.

img_2960

I took this picture in Portsmouth from the upper deck of the ferry. The ferry was about to move towards the isle and I saw this building just next to the port. Isn’t this a beautiful place to live? Sitting in the balcony, sipping tea and looking at the vast expanse of the ocean and the huge ships moving around you!

img_2761

View of Portsmouth as the Ferry moved away from it. By the way, Ferry seems to be a mild word for that ship. There were atleast 60 cars in it when it left Portsmouth!!!

img_2765

Thats the “Ferry”!!!

img_3173

The Needles was another fascinating point of the island. We reached there after the Sun had just jumped into the sea and the play of colours on the sky were seen to be believed. Here is a view of The Needles as we moved towards the edge of the cliff.

img_2883

This picture was taken while we moved towards the Needles. Everyone was coming back after seeing the sunset and we were the only ones who were moving in the opposite direction. 🙂

img_2904

That is the view of The Needles from the nearest point. It was quite dark by the time we reached there.

img_2929

A few more random pictures:

This was taken while the ferry left the British mainland.

img_2777

Taken at Ryde Beach. Are these Seagulls? They made an awful lot of noise.

img_3135

The sleeping city in the morning.

img_3011

An unknown castle on our way to a beach. Don’t know the name.

img_3021

What a way to go up!!!

img_2863

Water gushing up during a high tide. The foot of the Culver cliff which is accessible during the low tide and are great for an evening walk are completely immersed in water during a high tide.

img_2977

This was taken from the ferry back to Portsmouth as the sun set behind the isle.

img_3193

And finally I would like to dedicate this post to Preeto, our Tomtom(GPS) who was very patient with us and always guided us with her sweet voice even when we went off track atleast 5 times! We love you Preeto!!

img_3213

Manchester – Photo feature

My first weekend in Manchester thankfully dismissed my doubts that I am living in a ghost town. It takes some time to realize that unlike India, the shopping area and office buildings are far away from the residential area. In the last one week, I have hardly seen any people near my home. Even the cars seem to be moving on their own. 🙂 But, when I visited Piccadilly and Trafford Centre in the weekend, I could hardly walk without bumping into other people. Here are a few noteworthy pictures of the endeavor. Some of them are outright stupid(for e.g. the first one), but I am sure you will enjoy them. 🙂

This one is a random picture which I clicked while roaming on the streets of Manchester. The place is full of such beautiful houses.

img_2601

Well, yes, Rusholme street is full of Indian restaurants and sweet shops. Indian food is quite a hit here and you can find some good and authentic restaurants here.

img_2608

The BBC office on the way to Piccadilly.

img_2609

The Tram cum Metro service of Manchester. The Metro runs on elevated tracks through the city and slides down on the road in Piccadilly and turns into a Tram service. Remember all those songs in Hindi movies where the actors are dancing in front of such trains? Well, I too felt dancing like Govinda when I saw this one. 🙂

img_2613

The Central park area of Piccadilly is full of such beautiful statues. Look at the folds of the dress.

img_2620

 The Manchester Eye is build as a replica of the London eye, but a smaller one.

img_2632

The Manchester Eye during the night. Doesn’t it look like a giant UFO rising behind the buildings?

img_2651

A Church in Piccadilly. It looked like a ghost church during the night. We sat in front of it while the Church bells rang. It was mesmerising.

img_2658

A structure in front of the church. Notice the greens here and there.

img_2662

The Trafford Centre in Manchester. This is one of the biggest Mall I have seen, and the most eloquent. Just to give you an idea, it comprised of a multiplex with 25 screens.

img_2689

Beautiful statues at the Trafford Centre.

img_27281

The wishing pool. All the black dots inside the water are coins.

img_2716

The grand structures outside the Multiplex Odean. Couldn’t stop myself from clicking a few more. 🙂

img_2706

Here is another one, while I waited for my friend to collect the tickets of “The Curious case of Benjamin Button”. The movie was a masterpiece, by the way.

img_2702

Another one. The top view.

img_2700

Tea, anyone?

img_2697

The massive foodcourt at Trafford center. A mindboggling variety of fooditems at your disposal and a beautiful ceiling.

img_2695

Another picture of the architecture.

img_2692

And, that’s me again with Martin Chuzzlewit, sitting on the stairs of my house and waiting for the washroom to be freed of any human activities. Another one of those stupid pictures! 😛

img_2592

That’s all gents and ladies. Hope you enjoyed the pictures. Hopefully I will be roaming around this weekend also and will update you with more pics of my adventures.

Randomizer strikes back

  • I think that the Pink Chaddi Campaign is the best bloody thing which has happened in India since our independence. Although, ironically, the presence of such a  campaign means that  “Independence” is still  just on papers because we are still being bullied. All the freedom fighters who gave their blood and sacrificed their lives must be crying in heaven seeing the animal like behaviour of the people of this country. I just hope that all the chaddis reach the Ram Sena office safely and drill some sense in the head of the Sena Chief that he can’t make RULES for us. He is NOT the government and must mind his OWN business. This photograph made my day. ramsena 
  • While in Manchester, its exhilarating to see such clean roads and people obeying traffic rules and saying “thank you” and “sorry” as if these are the only two words they know. I think every Indian should be brought here are shown around. That would at least drill some civic sense in our minds. Although the youth is quite directionless here but then that’s universal. Its an age when you are in awe of yourself. 
  • A lot of firsts happened the day I reached Manchester – 1) I witnessed my first snowfall. And yes, I did cried. 🙂  2) I saw the first public kiss. Not like the hush hush ones we are subjected to in Lodhi Gardens, but a full public smooch. 3) I had my first wine! A very eventful first day! And its freezing cold here. After a moment, your nose and ears stop functioning if you don’t cover/rub them! And what’s with the houses? They are all the same!! Its like a white paper stamped all over with the same stamp.

img_2531

  • Before everyone beat me up for forgetting, I was awarded by Nita, KanaguApar, Reema and Vimmuuu in the past few days. Nita gave me the Premio Dardos award, Kanagu gave me the Versatile Blogger award, Apar gave me the Thanks For Writing award, Reema gave me the Garland award and Vimmuuu gave his whole blogroll a huge variety of awards. 🙂 

versatile_blogger

premio-dardos

shapeimage_5

  • Awards always make me happy. The more the merrier! I am not sure who all have not received these awards, so I would like to present them to my whole blogroll. 🙂

superstickiessuperstickies2superstickies3superstickies4superstickies5superstickies6

  • I hope all of you will pardon me for this incredibly insane post which I don’t know why am I writing and why you are reading. I guess, we all have too much free time to spare. I am feeling a bit like a dislocated shoulder which would take some time to be in his normal self. Right now, I am going bonkers staring at the clean roads and the Firangi chicks and adjusting to my new office which is going great! I am going to watch Benjamin Button on Sunday. Hope its a good one. 😉 

img_25811

So, its bye bye from the own-eye-eating monster for the time being! 

superstickies7superstickies8

Straight from Manchester

img_2539Its a strange feeling sitting in Manchester and writing my first post from there. It has been a strange and riveting 48 hours. On Friday morning, I did not even had a clue if I would fly or not and in the evening, there  I was, standing in the bustling Metro and returning home with a ticket to Manchester in my bag. I had to fly the very next day. Everyone was speechless due to the sudden surge of events and I had no time to give parties to my bellowing group of friends. 

While zipping my suitcase just an hour before I was to leave home, I goofed up and forgot the number sequence I used to lock the bag. Finally I realized that since the sequence can only have numbers from 000 to 999, I could try all of them and one of them will open the bag. 😉 Well, thankfully, I did not even reach 200 when the bag clicked open on a combination and my whole family gave a collective sigh of relief. 😀

I had to switch flights at Abu Dhabi. I was surprised to see the crowd in the first flight. It comprised of rustic and shabbily dressed punjabi men who gulped each and every hard drink which was served on the flight. And guess which movie was the Punjabi Munda sitting next to me was watching? Singh is King!!! 🙂 I saw Mamma Mia which I wanted  to watch since a long time! Abu Dabhi airport was not very large but I gorged on the beautiful design.

img_2521

img_2517

The flight to Manchester from Abu Dhabi was eight hours long and I slept during the most of it. I also saw Mrs Doubtfire and an episode of F.R.I.E.N.D.S. The best part was the flight navigation system in which you can see the exact location of the plane on your screen and the trajectory it is taking. Also, there was a camera fitted at the front of the plane and you can set your screen to view the breathtaking cockpit view of takeoff and landing. I know most of you must be familiar with all these features, but then what the hell, its my first time! 😛

And, to torment you further, like all the people who end up clicking each and every bus and building when they go to a foreign land, here are two pictures of a “Sex drive in cinemas” double Decker bus and my neighbourhood.

img_2527 

img_2532

Jokes apart, next three months are going to be very hectic as there are more responsibilities on my head. I have to live upto the trust people have in me. I am happy to be here although the feeling has not sunk in properly. Not yet!  I have really wanted this from a long time and I hope it works out well for me. Pray for me. 🙂

p.s. I have been awarded by four bloggers in the past 10 days. Sorry for the delay guys!! I will be putting it up asap! 🙂

So long people!

[all the photographs are copyrighted by me. If you wish to use them, please mail me]