Money in the blouse and other stories

images from here

images from here

The Toofani Couple

A few days back I had an early morning live implementation. As my cab driver played Need for Speed on the roads of Delhi at 5.30 in the morning, I kept an eye on his nitro consumption which basically means that I was wide awake ensuring that he does not squash me in the rear of a truck. Suddenly, a car overtook us near Hyatt. I noticed that it had two toofani couples in it. Now the couple at the rear seat opened their respective windows, pushed their sorry head and torso outside and planted their butts on the windows. They then went ahead and smoked the same cigarette, passing it to each other from the top of the car.  The eyes of my cab driver went wide while I studied them with mild amusement. I was more worried about my cab ramming into their car and the driver flying out to join them. They smoked the whole cigarette and went inside like the neck of a scared turtle. I narrated the whole incident to my team at office and one of them remarked – What’s so toofani in that? It would have been toofani if they would have exchanged the cigarette from the bottom of the car.

I guess I am getting old.

Another not so lucky Toofani couple

The same week, while returning home enduring my rickety office bus, I saw an accident on the highway. A motorbike was racing in the wrong direction (Yes! On the highway!) and rammed into an Audi. People actually stopped their cars and came out to help (Surprise!). The woman and the bike ended up between the front and rear wheels while the man was dragged to safety. Now they were not able to pull out the women because the Audi went over her. So they tried to get the Audi off the woman by picking it up. I hope she survived but the chances are slim. This happened a day before Diwali.

I wondered if I could show this whole sequence to the Toofani couple in the earlier story, would they still think what they did was cool? Would they care more for their life?

Money in the blouse

Why on earth do people keep their money in their undergarments? The other day, I squeezed myself in a shared auto, which is basically a metal entity used to carry 10-15 people crammed in a space for 6. Sitting in a shared auto will be the closest you would come to understand the feelings of Jews jostling for space in a gas chamber. So, while I shrunk my butt to adjust in the pitiable space provided to me, I saw an elderly aunty ji sitting opposite me, staring in infinity. As the auto traversed the potholed roads, the aunty ji suddenly realised that her stop was near and thrust her hand inside her blouse. After my initial shock subsided, I realized that she was not trying to seduce me but frantically searching for her purse. She fumbled her right breast first but could not place the purse. Then she took out her left  hand and in went the right one to disturb her left asset. While all this was happening, I was obviously not looking at her but I could comprehend what was happening from the corner of my eye. Finally, she was able to find her purse that was hidden in some remote corner and the trauma ended.

I have also seen men putting hands in their underwear to take out money. Please someone tell me what is so irresistible about rubbing cash on your private parts?

Exercise in Patience

I have realized that writing a book is an exercise in patience. When you are doing research, you are impatient to start writing. When you are writing, you are impatiently waiting for the day when it will finish. When you finish, you are impatiently sending it to publishers. Then you wait very very impatiently for the publishers to respond. After a positive response, you patiently twiddle your fingers and wait for the book to hit the market. So, it you are a very impatient person, try not to write a book unless you have some sort of a mental asylum fetish.

By the way, I have started writing my second book. But now there is a kid in the equation, so it will be a while before I finish it. Deep breaths. Patience.

Mars and Traffic signals

There is a very busy traffic intersection on the highway near my home. Since the last two years for which I have been here, I have hardly seen the signal working on this intersection. Although people living in the country of Uttar Pradesh don’t believe in traffic signals and treat them the same way we treat a stray cow and beggars, I still believe that some day we will find people capable enough to mend the said signal. I know that there is some extremely complicated machinery inside it but I am sure that since we have sent a rocket to Mars now, we will be able to find people suitable to handle the neglected signal. Maybe we can consult a few top scientists at ISRO?

I usually do not write random posts but I had to share the ‘money in the blouse’ story and since I do not want to come across as a pervert, I added four intellectual stories to the post.

48 comments on “Money in the blouse and other stories

  1. Amit! I’m travelling to Delhi in a few days on a short vacation… Give me some tips on , well how to catch a flight back to Dubai after the vacation in one piece!

      • Is there an awkward smiley face to describe what I’m feeling?

        I’ve gotto agree with Sreesha, the second couple’s accident is disturbing. I wish we would start respecting road rules. Or atleast not take such dangerous risks 😦

        • Delhi is getting better because the traffic police is better there. You will be really scared if you try the roads in Noida and Gurgaon. It is a jungle out there. This accident happened on the Gurgaon-Faridabad highway.

  2. Traveling on Indian roads can be a blessing for any writer – action, emotion, drama. A million stories keep unfolding.
    Aunty staring at infinity and then suddenly exploring twin peaks for money can be pretty hilarious.

  3. Actually, your sexually perverted story would have been enough by itself. And I thought the era of digging for hidden treasures in the bosom was a lost art that died when my Dadiji passed away. Apparently not!
    Good to know that men are allowed to use their crotch as wallets too. Next time I have to pay 21 or 23 rupees at a toll, I am going to jiggle my genitals for those elusive one and two rupee coins. Thanks for the advice!

    • I too thought that it was a lost art but we always have to remember that we are talking about the country of Uttar Pradesh which is lagging behind the rest of the world by 20 years. Bosom fumbling was pretty much the 80s phenomenon and that is where UP is right now.
      I too am thinking of keeping my money in my underwear. It will be so much fun extracting it from down there.

  4. Dont talk about people doing stupid stunts yaar..we have lost two guys on bikes till date on our road 😦 they drive like maniacs in the night at high speed 😦 two of them fell down and crashed their heads (without helmets!)

    and lady in blouse..well, I used to be a bit bothered earlier, but the logic for women putting purse in blouse is that incase they have no bag and they wear a saree (so no pockets) its the safest place to keep it..and you immediately know if someone touches your breasts right, so its the safest place to keep the money (thats my logic!)

  5. hahaha Why don’t I see such visuals in Bangalore? 🙂 Seriously, women are still doing that? I used to find that batua tucked in the bosom so obscene from what I remember of my childhood. And yes, people are so reckless never realizing that a moment’s indiscretion could lead to a loss of lives. And, I am really curious about your new book. What is its genre? Whatever it is, I am sure by the end of it, it will turn into a parenting journal :). Good luck with that!

    • Come to my UP. You can see loads of such sights. I will also show you trucks and school buses speeding in wrong lanes. It pretty awesome.
      Well, you know I find it really disturbing that I cant put my book in a genre. But let me say that it is a thriller. I hope I am able to finish in the deadline I have set for myself. Haha! It is nowhere near a parenting journal. 🙂

  6. hahahahaha ……good u cushioned the blouse eerrrr story nahin to aaj kal ppl are hyper sensitive 😀

    And that toofani couple? hmmm kya kya karte hain log….

    Good luck for your book…:D

    • Haan, I know. That is why I took extra precaution. 🙂
      Areee it was like a mad dream. I still can’t believe I say something as stupid as that.
      Thank you! Abhi just start hi kari hai likhni.

  7. Well, the blouse will hold it from falling down i guess. The money I meant.
    The couple in first scene are scary and stupid.
    Whenever I open your blog, I first check whether you have changed the description from ‘trying to be writer’ to ‘writer’ or not. New year release??
    Waiting for (Anika’s latest Photo) daddy diary post 🙂

    • I will be changing the description after the book comes out. 🙂 No point in taking chances and then eating your words. 🙂
      Thank you so much for reading Bingo.

  8. I have seen so many women putting their money in the blouse as well. Fortunately I have not seen that happening in our generation. Maybe the invention of a sling bag has helped 🙂
    And that toofani couple.. I hate people who have no respect for their life. They totally suck. And we are in no way old!!!!

    • I would like to believe that our generation is oblivious to the art. I would be terrified if any of us catch this virus.
      I know. I hated the stunt too. What were they trying to prove?

  9. I had an aunt who could hide almost anything in her cleavage. I am not joking! We had seen her pull out not only money but things like handkerchieves, needle & thread, keys, pens, scrap papers, candies, toys………so many things that we believed she had a magical cleavage like those magician’s hat. 🙄

  10. Ha ha ! Nowadays everybody’s ‘Toofani’ ..kyonki Dar ke aage Jeet hai.. other than poor ol’ me who’s past the Toofani stage.
    Money in the blouse is quite gross..I hate it..but I guess its practical for rural women who don’t want to have their purses picked..(and you probably need purses as well..just keep cash)..
    You know about the exercise in patience thingy.. Do you enjoy a chocolate more when you are eating it or after you have finished ? 🙂

    • I think the kind of toofani that is propagated by our adverts is plain madness and somehow it makes the current lot think that it is cool to endanger their life.
      I know. It is the best place to carry money. No one will dare steal money from there. 🙂
      I enjoy chocolate when I am eating it. 🙂

  11. lol! hilarious story! yeah the cleavage as a storehouse for all sorts of things has always puzzled me. safety of monies comes first I guess. 😀 though the way you describe it (and of the men too) it is even more blech sounding… yeah yeah good you added some other stories to hide the imagery of this one 😀
    btw which book? first waali kaun si? o.O

  12. Boy, sarcasm’s running high! 😀 I don’t know what’s up with people not valuing their lives. I see snippets of it every single day. The way they fall over each other to board an already packed running train, the way they jump up on the divider and then jump back down to cross over to the other side – even as an accident occurs every other days and lives are lost, the way bikers perform racing stunts on highways leaning over and swerving like hell. I don’t know why people think it’s not important to value life. Sometimes I feel like grabbing a person by their shoulders and shaking them hard. Funny on the blouse thing, still makes me squirm every time and it’s not very rare (not very often either) with fisher-women or tradeswomen on the trains! PS: (Pervert! :P) Hehehe!

    • I agree Deepa but the examples you have mentioned are because of bad infrastructure. The transport system have not grown in proportion to the populations. People have to work and put food on the table. They have no choice but to get on that crowded bus or train.
      But yes, there are some that put their life in danger just for the fun or it without realizing that what will happen if they lose it.

  13. The couple in your first story were toofani!! Don’t worry – you have company who think as you do! 😀

    And the whole – keep money in your blouse thingy is something I have never ever understood. It creeps me out to see men and women removing money from their private parts!!!

    All the best for the second book… 🙂

  14. LOl……shhhh..I am still laughing..I would feel so uncomfortable when women used to do that…gladly, I haven’t encountered men doing it..gosh..and the accident, that’s a very sad thing to happen. With my last India trip, I am terrified to go anywhere. My heart comes into my throat when I see the speed of vehicles on highways…:(

    • I have seen men doing this as well. Some of the men wear these huge home made underwear which have this huge pocket to keep money and other valuables inside it. Sometimes the hand goes in and it takes some time for them to fish out the correct item.
      And about driving – We don’t drive. We play video games thinking that we still have two more lives to go.

  15. in noida, u cn see all four signal turned red together and then green together :p :p happens many time at sec 57 signal :p :p

    and in Ggn, Fdbd highway, try to sit in Haryana roadways which is goin via “pahadi wala rasta”, they drive with one hand on that road :p

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