How to shop with a lady and stay sane

Some things are more complex than the relationship between powerful and power-hungry nations, more mind-boggling than unravelling the secrets of the Universe and more insane than the fabric of our societies.

If you have ever gone shopping with a lady, you will understand my point – that nothing can be more intricate than accompanying a woman to shop and it needs perseverance of a monk and heart of a samurai.

It’s a delicate subject. I would not remotely imagine offending a lady with my crude tips but it’s an art every man needs to learn. There are games within games. Chess moves you have to understand. It’s bloody difficult, I know, and hence I have come up with this tender guide so that the men could at least try.

1. Breathe. It will ease the pain.

You will feel very anxious when you will realise that it is going to be a long day. Take a deep breath before you enter the mall. It helps. Inhale loads of air and look at the Sun. God knows after how long you will see it again. Even if you don’t believe it, keep telling yourself that things could have been worse.

2. Keep smiling. Curb all your feeling bordering strangulation.

The lady will have a tendency to put every dress/top/overcoat/jumper etc on her torso, flash all her teeth and go – “How do I look honey?” You will need to steel your heart at that moment. “You look amazing!!!” Smile. Breathe. Imaging a punching bag. Punch it hard.

3. Don’t stare at other women. Ever.

Not even at the posters, especially the lingerie ones. You will find many attractive women roaming around. Don’t make the mistake of drooling over them. Your lady might buy more to take revenge and you are giving her the perfect excuse on a platter. Even if you stare and she catches you, make an excuse like – “Did you see that walking scarecrow?”

4. Play an action game while she is in the trial room. Try Mortal Combat.

This will act as the perfect stress buster. Kill some enemies. Bathe in their blood. Depending on your monetary target (see point 10), smile/Ughh!! at her dress when she comes out of the trial room, and then go back to the killings.

5. Keep something to eat so that you don’t starve.

Keep a chocolate or something in your pocket for pity’s sake before your stomach growls and scare half of the ladies away. The men with them might kiss your feet for this favour but that won’t help you, will it? Your lady will turn absolutely ruthless once she is on the prowl and you might have to skip lunch. She will keep on saying – “I am stahhrrvving” and keep on shopping as if she is suffering from short-term memory loss like that guy in Memento. Don’t try your luck too hard.

6. Don’t stop her from picking something. It’s Futile.

You must know by now that saying something like – “This probably won’t look good on you” will have the exact opposite effect. She will pick it up, turn it both ways and say – “Let’s try and see.” You might have better chances at surviving a pack of sharks than making a success out of this foolhardy crappy one liner.

7. She might buy a handbag instead of a bra. Get used to it.

A friend of mine told me once that he went with his wife to buy a sofa and came back home with a pair of bathroom slippers. Yes, she is like a lightening bolt. You will have no idea where she will fall.

8. It’s not over till she has the receipt.

She might try her new clothes at home again and not like them or would like to get a smaller/larger size or a different colour. Now you have already sacrificed your Saturday and you can visualize your Sunday going down the drain too. Try the following – a) burn the receipts or b) swallow them with a glass of water or c) make her look at the beautiful sky and throw them out of the car. Also, praise her as her humble admirer when she tries the clothes at home.

9. Never Ever forget your credit card at home.

If you tell her that you have forgotten your card at home it will be you who will have to drive all the way back to get it while she shops around alone. Don’t even try to get around that one. In addition, she will keep reminding you how callous you are becoming. She will sulk even after you get the card and there won’t be any sex for a few days.

10. All clothes above a monetary target are ugly

You know how much you can spend. Keep doing the calculations while she picks up the clothes and try them on. Keep smiling and encouraging her. The moment you hit the ceiling, start making ugly faces at the rest of the clothes. No, she won’t think that you are a retard. You were smiling earlier, remember? That will work in your favour. Since you were encouraging her earlier, she will be confused now. Very Confused. You can even alternate between “This is great!” and “This is shit!” so that she doesn’t smell anything fishy. Finally, if you are lucky and clever, she will be left with the clothes within your budget.

 So this is it. Go. Try. Implement. Fall. Rise. Fall again. Rise again.

Play well.

(images from – http://hiddenplaygrounds.blogspot.in/2011/11/shopping-men-vs-women.html, http://festivalsadvices.com/christmas-shopping-women/, http://gamerant.com/top-10-mortal-kombat-characters-benk-78857/all/1/,