The vestige of Independence

Image from Google

It is again that time of the year when my Facebook wall will be filled with done-to-death wallpaper wishes for Independence Day.

There will be photos of our flag fluttering like Asha Parekh’s eyelashes with “Jai Hind” smeared all over it (over the flag not the eyelashes).

There will be photos of India’s map covered with Saffron, white and green as if while playing with his ball (Earth), an alien giant playfully smeared India with those colours and finally provided us another way to distinguish between Northies (orange skinned) and Southies (Green skinned).

There will be pictures of Mother India leaning over a map of the nation, with her head resting over Kashmir, her foot in the south and her left hand holding a trident plucked in the ass of the Eastern populace (symbolic of how the rest of India treats them) and her right hand raised as if trying to slap us for freeing her and chaining her again (We mistake it as a hand raised in blessing because we love making mistakes. Look at Manmohan Singh)

There will be pictures of young, semi naked army men displaying their oily, expressway-ish chests and their 3X2 matrix abs with ‘Proud to be an Indian’ photoshopped over their collective crotch.

There will be some Congress bashing facts (nothing is complete nowadays without it as it is the garam masala of our dish of frustration) and there will be poems on national integration intended to bring tears to our eyes and failing (the fact remains that the only thing which brings tears to our eyes after 65 years of independence is Onions. Because of their price).

And as if that was not enough, there will be people liking the pictures and putting comments like – ‘I m soooooooooooooooo proud 2 b an Indian 2day’ and ‘Jay Hind’ and ‘I ❤ ❤ my India!!!!!!!!!!!!!’, especially on the picture of the semi naked army men.

And if that was not enoughily enough, there will be people writing collective messages to their friend list saying – ‘Happy Independence day’ and will get amazingly creative replies like – ‘Happy Independence to u 2 Dude!’ instead of bland ones like – ‘What fuc*ing Independence?’.

We have reached a stage where patriotism can be measured by your Facebook posts. The percentage by which a nation is patriotic could be calculated by the vain messages shared by its self-centered and me-first population over Facebook. So hypothetically, according to Facebook, Indians are 99.99% patriotic. Mahatma Gandhi and Bhagat Singh would have given a high-five to each other if they would not have known better. They are probably having a *face-palm* session in heaven and gaping at the mess they have created.

But let’s not talk about 1947. The moral of the story of our independence was that after getting their land back, people divide it and kill each other. So you better be on the right side of the line. Anyways, coming back to modern India and leaving aside mundane topics like corruption, acid throwing competitions, people dying of hunger, erosion of the thin line between rivers and sewers, malnutrition, random men squeezing butts of random women in dark alleys to teach them about culture, let’s talk about exciting stuff.

I was wondering if Poonam Pandey will pose nude on our Independence Day with the tricolor painted on her body to cheer us all up after Manmohan Singh finishes his speech which will be basically him staring at the bulletproof glass in front of him for one hour. Oh! The uproar after that is so maliciously exciting, isn’t it? And it will be so cute to see Sonia Gandhi running to cover up Manmohan’s eyes as Poonam walks up the dais.

I was also wondering which done to death patriotic movie will be done to death again this year. We have so many classics to choose from:

  • Gandhi (the only Hollywood movie in which Indian actors did not play snake charmers, beggars and kings)
  • Shahid Bhagat Singh (All 4.5 versions of it)
  • Gadar (don’t we all love the way Sunny Deol screams his way in and out of Pakistan with a handpump in his hand and saves a constantly pouting Amisha?)
  • Swadesh (The only movie in which SRK didn’t bleat)
  • Mother India (in which Nargis and Sunil Dutt fell in love while playing mother and son)
  • Purab Paschim (The only attempt in the history of Bollywood to pass an actress (Saira Banu) as blonde))
  • Kranti (the only movie in Bollywood with an erotic baby delivery scene because of the way Hema Malini moans while popping him out)
  • Karma (where Dilip Kumar displayed Olympics winning capabilities as he etched a map of India on a wall with bullets and the villian pissing his pants somewhere in Madhya Pradesh)
  • Border (I cannot forget the scene where Pooja Bhatt sucks a mango as her left eye shrinks to nothingness and then Akshay Kumar sucks a mango too, touching his inner left cheek with his inner right one.)
  • Lagaan (A British lady falling for a stinking, filthy villager. Lucky bastard)

And it goes on and on and on. As we watch these movies year after year, we grow misty eyed and in the flow of sentiments, we log into our Facebook account and reaffirm our love for our nation –  ‘I ❤ U India! I really Do!’. We feel light after using Facebook as a commode to flush patriotism out of our body. How else can our conscience allow us to throw the wrapper of our burger (smeared with leftover mayonnaise) on the head of a sleeping beggar on the pavement? How else can we drive a car at 120km/hour and kill a man eating his last ice-cream on a footpath? How else can we pass a 1000 Rs note for a speedy driving license? How else can we justify our desperation, the mutual love we share with our corrupt machinery? How else can we enjoy a women getting molested on a road and then on YouTube?

If independence would have been a woman, she would have died by absolute exhaustion because of the number of times we have abused, molested and gang-raped her. Thankfully, independence is not a woman. It is just a notion, a feeling which surfaces on a single day every year and is buried the next day, a feeling which is confined like a bird in a cage called Facebook. It is just the picture of Mahatma Gandhi on that 1000 Rs note which we pass under the table.

Thank God for small mercies.

And why the fuc* do I end up writing serious stuff at the end of funny posts!?!!

Anyways, Happy Independence Day. Catch Ya on Facebook!

Luv U India! Loads!

NCR – Nightmare Capital Region

Do you believe that Mumbai is the worst city as far as traffic jams, water logging and crime is concerned?

Do you think Bangalore is very chaotic in the peak hours of traffic?

Then think again because NCR (The Delhi, Noida, Gurgaon belt) is here to beat both the cities. Gurgaon and Noida were slated to be the upcoming satellite towns which were supposed to elevated the National Capital region to another era of development. A few years down the line and you can hear horrifying stories of people stuck in endless traffic jams, power cuts, muddy water supplies and people frequently robbed off their belongings using brand new methods.

My Own Sob Story

Ever since I have shifted to Delhi from Chennai, my nightmare never seems to end. Chennai was paradise in comparison and I can’t stop being nostalgic. Anyways, on 14 August there was an announcement in my office that the buses would leave at 5 pm instead of their regular 6 pm timings because it was our Independence Day on the next day. I was hopeful that I might reach home on time. Around 4 pm it started raining cats and dogs. It was such a heavy downpour that I was quite sure of the impending doom.

That day I reached home at 12 am.

Yes, you read it right. It took me 7 hours to reach home. In fact for the first 2 hours the bus was not able to move even an inch because of the jam and it took the bus 5 hours to reach the Gurgaon Toll which is a 2 minute drive from my office during happy days. The streets were water clogged and there were vehicles parked in all the wrong places on the narrow roads. Result – Utter chaos.

The Mouse Trap called Udyog Vihar

Udyog Vihar is a huge area in Gurgaon where many Office complexes are situated including mine. Its just on your left as soon as you cross the Toll if you are coming from Dhaula Kuan. The whole area is a trap specially when its raining or during the peak office hours.

I would really like to meet the planner of Udyog Vihar and kick his sorry ass with so much might that his next seven generations are going to reel in pain. The foolish guy designed the whole office complex as if he was designing a residential colony. Narrow lanes and huge offices. Its something like this –

So you can very well imagine what would happen when it rains very heavily and all the narrow roads are water clogged and more than 50 office buses and hundreds of cars wrestle for space to reach the main highway. I could never understand why it was planned like this. Leaving aside people who stay at far away places, if you are living in Gurgaon, it might take you anything between 1-3 hours to reach home in peak time. And all this is happening when Gurgaon is occupied only upto 40% of its capacity. Imagine the plight when it would be 90% occupied!!

The toll is another sob story. If you are fortunate enough to get away from the narrow roads, you can easily waste 15-30 minutes at the toll if you don’t have a tag. Huge snaking rows of vehicles can be seen there even at midnight.

Waterlogging and Delhi

MCD is one department which I fail to understand. Water logging is nothing new in Delhi but this is one department which have been very consistently successful in not providing a solution. Delhites have one

option now – Pray to god that he stops sending rains towards the city. We don’t want them anymore. Let us live in peace.

According to this report, even the water logging near the Prime Minister’s house a day before the Independence Day celebrations could not move MCD in action. They blamed it on Gods and told that its not their fault that there was too much rain in such a small span of time.

The Growth and its disadvantages

India has been developing at a phenomenal rate and the number of people who have the money to buy a car have increased many-fold. Result – According to this report, Delhi already has 51 lakh vehicles on road with 950 vehicles being added daily. I won’t be surprised if one day we won’t have space to walk. What is now required is a robust public transportation system so that people don’t find the need to take out their cars. Its a distant dream but lets not give up hopes.

Water Water everywhere, not a drop to drink

Whenever I ask someone about the problems about living in Noida, the first concern which is raised is – Water availability. I was shocked to see yellow coloured water in one of my friend’s house. People have to store water in their houses because there is no definite water supply available and the water is generally muddy and inadequate by all standards.

Another problem is public transportation. If you are staying in Noida or Gurgaon and you don’t have a car, then you are doomed. There are no public buses or autorikshaws(in Gurgaon) available and all you can depend upon is your local rikshaw wala. The situation is severe specially in Gurgaon.

Solutions anyone?

Electricity and water are two very basic necessities which are the responsibility of the Government authorities but we have to make sure that we are not misusing them. We all know this but sadly, knowing something and implementing something are two different things. Pool vehicles whenever possible and save resources whenever possible.

Three things to be realized –

  • As Spiderman’s uncle said – With great power come great responsibility. The government needs to understand that.
  • The past always has a tricky way of coming back and biting you on the ankle – Zadie Smith.
  • We need to stop multiplying like cockroaches, otherwise there is really no solution which could help us.

And, oh, before I forget in all my frustration. HAPPY INDEPENDENCE DAY!!!! 😀

[All the photos are taken by me while I twirled my fingers stuck in the jam. The diagram is created by me]

10,000 B.C. – Movie Review

Don’t even think about comparing 10,000 B.C. with Roland Emmerich‘s previous works like Independence Day and The day after tomorrow. Believe me, this movie comes nowhere close to them. The biggest irony is that the movie looked so promising in the promos. ( Note to myself – A good promo doesn’t guarantee a good movie. Period.)

The movie follows the journey of a mammoth hunter named D’Leh ( played by Steven Strait ) as he walks walks and walks across god knows how many continents to rescue his lady love Evolet ( played by Camilla Belle ) who has been kidnapped by a warlord along with many of his tribesmen. The warlords are kidnapping people to create huge structures which bear a striking similarity to the Egyptian Pyramids ( which were not created before 2600-2500 B.C. ). On his way, D’Leh meets many other tribesmen ( who can’t speak chaste English like him ) and creates a sort of army with them. 

– The first problem with the movie is that its terribly predictable. Ten minutes into the movie and you know (Yawn!!!) what the movie is all about.  

– The second problem is that after watching some really good movies in the prehistoric genre like “The passion of the Christ” and  “Apocalypto” which used the language spoken in that era as a tool to make the movies more believable, this movie fails to absorb the audience in the sequence of events as the characters talk in English and this gave the movie a very “hip hop” feel rather than a “prehistoric” feel.

– The third problem is that the movie bears close resemblance to Apocalypto which was a far more superior and believable movie. The storyline is almost the same except for the digitally generated animals.

– The fourth problem is that all the actors fail to impress. In-fact, the woolly mammoth and the saber-toothed cats were much more interesting and engrossing. Just for the record, they looked quite real and better “actors” and were the only saving grace of the otherwise “completely lost” movie. The huge ostrich like birds too failed to impress like the humans as they were always groping with the dense grass and “too fast” camera shots.

– The fifth problem is that everything is too smooth for our hero. Right from breaching the security and entering the slave quaters to killing the “God” king, everything is a cakewalk. And to add injury to insult, the love story is on the verge of becoming a tragedy when it suddenly turns out to be a “happily ever after”.

To sum it up, avoid it if you can. But if you are not at all convinced that the movie can be that bad after watching the promos ( as I wasn’t ), then go ahead on your own discretion. Watch it for the huge computer generated Pyramid structures ( they are awesome ), watch it for the mammoths and the cat. The humans will definitely let you down.

Movie Rating : 1/5

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