The Horny Indian

This post has been selected by Blodadda as one of the “Spicy Saturday Picks”.

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No matter how much we try to hide a coupling couple by moving the camera away from the bed as they settle beneath the flower printed bed sheet or by bringing two flowers shaking vigorously suddenly in front of the camera, we cannot snuff out our Kamasutra connections. We are 1.21 billion people who have not been dropped by storks or erupted from the ground. We have been reproducing like eggs lying Godzilla and it somehow seems that chasing the British away was a mistake. We seem to have taken Aryabhata very seriously after he invented zero and are busy including it in our population count as a sign of flattery, which brings me to the point – ours is the horniest nation in the history of mankind.

Think about it. 41.6% of our population fall below poverty line. Of course they haven’t heard of “precautions” and the only source of entertainment is having unprotected sex and producing causalities called babies. Now, I must not put the whole blame of India turning into a dangerously tilted overcrowded bus on the poor. Laluji is not poor. My 10th standard maths teacher was not poor whose production line produced six girls before it was abruptly discontinued after manufacturing a boy.

We have a lot of anti-population plans in place. Our government is trying its best to stop Indians from mating by showing them 1-3-2 (Fayde Ka mantar) family planning adverts in which a lustful couple dwells into something which borders very close to soft porn. Hell, we don’t even have the live-in concept. We have balding, pot-bellied, in their 30s males living with their parents (I am one of them. Thick hair. 8 pack abs). We have people living in rooms smaller than prison cells. We have Khaps, religious groups, cricket, prehistoric parents and a very nosy society structure in place to cater population growth but none of this seems to be working.

Why?

It’s our Horny genes. We love bed sheets with elephants printed on them. They turn us on.

Look at the statistics. Raping women is as popular as learning cricket. Horny men are rampant on the streets just like those zombies in Resident Evil. Delhi is famous worldwide for its horny men who achieve the impossible feat of raping women in moving cars. We have also tried both the ends of the spectrum – from an 80 year old to a two year old. We love eve teasing also. We have the courage to address a rotund middle aged mother of two as Chikni. It comes naturally to us. Controlling our hormones is against our culture.

Our movies inspire us a lot. Latka, Jhatka, Thumka and of course the patented moving-breasts-up-and-down is something our visionary directors have to create to quench the thirst of millions of horny citizens. Small time theatres which showed desi porn movies are on a decline. We don’t need them anymore. Who wants to see fat women curling around fat moustached men like two tangled hippos when our John and Bipasha can do it? Has anyone tried connecting Munni, Sheila, Jalebi and Chameli to the Eve teasing graphs? I’ll bet my porn collection that there is a connection. Of course I am not blaming Bollywood. It’s a sophisticated sex toy for the horny underprivileged.

And while I am on this topic, I find us horny in another sense also, which in truth, was the real reason to write this post – It is the fact that we are a horn friendly nation. Horn friendly, horny, got the drift? We love to honk. We honk egoistically at poor pedestrians who are like those pesky cockroaches and have no right to salsa in the middle of the roads. We honk at rickshaws pullers who desperately try to move their sole bread earning rickety vehicle out of our way before it gets mowed down. We honk at other cars specially if there is a big red L pasted on them. And traffic signals? They are just disco lights. They turn us more horn(y). They remind us of dance bars.

We are horny for speeds also. How else can you explain the recently created racing tracks with cars and stray dogs competing in Noida when the other developed nations are shunning the sport? How else can you explain the speeding Mercedes and BMWs which end up in a pile of scrap and dead bodies being scrapped off roads?

Do I need to mention money? Money turns us on like an eighteen years old who has popped 10 pills of Viagra. We are on a collective hard on from the last 60 years.

Well, in India, being horny is good. It’s cool till it is done under veils. We have the art to cover it up, even if it includes covering up the women in real life and dis-covering them in every other medium. We encourage it. We are not apologetic about it. We are always turned on.

We, are the incredibly horny Indians.

Kapil Ki Censorship

Facebook, Google and Twitter must be laughing their asses off. Seriously what was Kapil Sibal thinking? The only good that I could imaging coming out of all this human pre-screening censorship stupidity will be that the government will employ around 5,00,000 people to manually read everything and snip snip stuff which they (read Congress) don’t like. Of course, they will not make public what they have snipped off, which means that they could practically remove anything which they don’t like. Reminds me very strongly of George Orwell’s 1984. And China which employs around 30,000 people for hiding things from public but they must be terribly under-worked as half of the websites are banned in China.

Secondly, this happens to be a democracy. Everyone ridicules everyone. That is the whole fuc*ing purpose. Celebrities and politicians are always at the receiving end. No one is liked by everyone. If our politicians come out of the hole they live in and look around for a while, they will realize that their counterparts in other countries have gone through much more. Hell, we recently saw Obama kissing another guy on a poster and it is still all over the internet. Do we see him frothing? SRK has been called gay millions of times. Do we see him running in the street beating up people? It comes with the package of being in the limelight. So, our politicians needs to ignore it instead of bawling like a kid.

Focus on your work guys. There are so many problems in our country, there are so many people suffering like insects that it is blasphemy to even think about such minor issues as someone calling you names. It just shows our politicians in a much dimmer light and shows how insensitive they are to the real challenges facing our country. And, no, morphing “Madame” does not amount to hurting someone’s religious sentiments. Sometimes, I feel that religion in our country is like a dash of Garam Masala. We have to sprinkle it over everything.

Thirdly, I could not understand Congress’s affinity with controversy. Ever since the scams took away the last shred of credibility from the ruling party, they have hardly done anything to save their faces from the shit flying all around them. The way they handled Lokpal and Anna Hazare can fill a tome describing what not to do to piss off the public when you are in power. FDI was another gem in their crown of thorns and now this unbelievable censorship controversy. They could have turned the table in their favour considering the short public memory in India and they had plenty of time but they stumbled at every step.

I really wish Kapil had shown equal enthusiasm towards getting Lokpal through (Although chances are bleak that it will work). That might have saved Congress from another egg landing on their face.

Rockstar Review

After raising my expectations to the tip of Qutab Minar, I finally plunked myself in a smelly multiplex to watch Rockstar. I don’t know if it was the multiplex or someone’s shoe but I desperately wanted the oxygen masks to drop from the ceiling of the hall. Finally, the attendants had to spray the nauseating jasmine room freshener to make everyone breath properly.

“Deja Vu”, I said after the movie finished, remembering something similar which happened when I watched Satya a year after its release. I had such high expectations from Satya that I found it very average and couldn’t understand what the hu-ha was all about.

Rockstar fared a little better. I liked it in parts but had major problems otherwise.

*Few spoilers ahead*

Lets start with the female lead Nargis. She makes Katrina Kaif look like Meryl Streep. Somehow, her expressions never reached her eyes. Even though she was capable of making a total of like 3 expressions, her eyes remained blissfully ignorant of the awful splutter of emotions on her face. Her best scene was when she was in a coma.

I found the screenplay shoddy at a few places. Imtiaz Ali wanted to show the relationship between the lead pair but he did that at the expense of mutilating the rest of the cast. So many threads which could have made the story more rich and the characters more believable were snipped off to show the lead pair taking a thousand bike rides. Jordan’s family was one-dimensional and hardly got 30 seconds of screen time. Shammi Kapoor’s role could have been more. Much more. Jordan’s introduction scene to Heer’s mother was snipped so badly that I thought someone fast forwarded the movie. The relationship between Jordan and the female reporter was terribly castrated and vague. Heer’s husband’s frustration was annoyingly underplayed.

The second half sagged like an old man’s skin for quite a while. Somehow, I was tired of seeing the couple going to dance bars and prostitutes and strip clubs. And why did they have to do it twice? Whatever happened to bungee jumping and paragliding as adventures instead of saying hello to a guy pissing on a wall?

Coming to the positives, I liked the story. I liked the fact that there was a story. Somehow, the boy taking the girl out before her wedding so that she could have some fun before the mundane married life takes over, looked clichéd as we have already seen that in “Mere Brother ki Dulhan”, but the Kashmir backdrop made it a treat to watch. Cinematography was great. Ranbir did really well. He moved from one end of his character’s graph to another with smoothness. It was his movie all the way. The songs were a nice mix. Somehow, I couldn’t understand a few of them but it’s Ok considering the fact that A.R.Rehman gave the music. It will grow on me, I am sure.

Overall not bad at all, considering the horse shit Shahrukh and Salman are throwing at us these days. The movie definitely had its moments. Don’t bother if you liked Bodyguard.

Rating – 3.5/5

Coupling two Software Engineers…

..is a recipe for disaster. You may ask why? Of course, if you consider ‘making pots of money’ as a consolation, then it might work for you but keeping the money-mindedness aside for a second, here is a list of reasons why it would be better to put your hand in a pit of vipers instead.

1. Both of you might end up in different countries. It is not always easy to say no to an onsite opportunity when you have a home loan, a car loan, a washing machine loan, a diamond necklace loan and a pack of underwear loan and an over pressurizing manager. And then, practically speaking, the long distance SOS (Sex On Skype) fizzle out in a few days, simply because the ‘feel’ is absent.

2. Both of you might end up in different shifts which is worse than being in different countries. Leave alone SOS, you will not have the real one in days. You will wake him up after coming from office and crash yourself on the bed as soon as he gets up and vice versa. Your conversations will end up being – ‘Hi honey’. ‘Bye honey’. ZZZZZZZ

3. Completely forget any trips to Simla, Munnar, Singapore, Andaman or Malaysia. Getting an off together for 5 days for a holiday will be task more difficult than getting Katrina Kaif to act and Manmohan Singh to open his mouth. You can beg, rub your nose on the ground till it bleeds, pull out your hair but it just won’t happen.

4. On the rare occasions when both of you will be at home by 9 pm, you will bitch about your managers till 10 and vent out all your frustration and completely forget to cook. You will end up having bread with soup, which will be good actually considering your expanding bellies.

5. Home made food will be available only on Saturdays and Sundays, if at least one of you is not working on the weekend, which will be as rare as scams in India. You will end up eating pizza, pasta and punjabi thalis at malls. Whatever good the bread and soup were doing will adjust to inflation.

6. All the family functions will carry on without you. Your cousins will get married and will have babies. You won’t be there in their marriage albums and videos. You will meet them, maybe, once in 5 years and wonder where all the time flew away.

7. If you are planning to have a baby, forget about it, simply because you should get some time to ding-dong, which you won’t get. If you somehow manage, the she-engineer’s manager will make sure that the baby is delivered in office alongside the project deliverable. The baby will already be stressed out by the time he will come out because of your 15 hour shifts.

8. Your parents will wither away trying to make sense of what hit them. You won’t have time for them and they will end up cursing themselves for giving birth to a machine and then marrying him off to another.

9. If the she-engineer somehow manages to pop out a baby, the baby will grow up thinking that the maid is his mother. He will not recognise his father on the rare occasions of bonding simply because he has never seen him awake. The first word he might learn will be ‘Basanti’, which will be the name of the maid.

10. One day, while buying Cabbage at Big Bazaar, you will pick up one in your hand and wonder what the difference between both of you is.

p.s. Don’t take the post seriously. It’s a funny take on what I see people around me going through.

Big Boss and all that murkiness

This year’s Big Boss has left me amused. Yesterday, Pooja Mishra shook that biscuit like J Lo while The Splitsvilla guy almost kicked her butt, using beep inducing swearwords in the process. While all this happened, the rest of the women in the house fell over each other and that guy to pacify him.

Now, let’s be clear, no one and that means no one can reach the epic crescendo which Dolly Bindra reached last year but the Big Boss team is trying really hard to match that level. Dignity be damned, the contestants can now discuss nominations and use beep words. Men shouting at women. Women shouting back. Women throwing shrill bombs on each other. You got the picture? And, oh yes, there is a ghost in the house this season. *bangs head on the wall*

Don’t take me wrong. It looks wonderful for sometime. We love to see people fight. That was the only reason Balaji Telefilms worked. Nothing is as gratifying to see a daughter-in-law teaching her mother-in-law a lesson. Our movies have worked on this premise for years. A hero taking revenge on his sister’s rapist and his mother’s butcher has been a source of instant nirvana for generations. But then a time comes when all this starts getting your goat. Unfortunately for me, Big Boss has reached that pinnacle.

Sometimes I could not understand how Shakti Kapoor and Rageshwari were evicted. They were bigger celebrities than the half-baked ones who are left. I don’t expect to see a ‘Hum Aapke Hain Kaun’ in the house but if it is not scripted, then hats off to the Indian audience. I guess, the vicarious feelings run deep.

Don’t be disillusioned. I will still see it to the end. Sometimes I am too angry and would love to see someone more fuc*ed up than I am and clap to my heart’s delight.

p.s. Polly tried to make me watch ‘Bade Acche Lagte hain’, which going by its name,  I took up thinking that it’s a soft porn series. Sourly disappointed. It’s about two 45 years old virgins who sat on a sofa and ate a cake on their honeymoon while watching Zee TV.

p.p.s  KBC is the only saving grace. It’s good to feel happy for all those people who really need that money and see their lives transform in minutes. Saw that guy winning 5 Crores. And then he picked up the cheque and counted the zeroes. Made me smile.

p.p.p.s I re-read the post and it’s such a contradiction. It’s good.

p.p.p.p.s All those who have an expression of disgust and are going to throw one liners like – ‘You watch that shit?’, readjust your jaws to a closure.