How to survive a pregnant wife

A wise man once said that pregnancy brings out the animal in a woman. I don’t exactly remember who said that but I think it was me. It is also said that pregnancy is the most wonderful period for a woman but whoever said that must have been Justin Bieber. You can mildly compare a pregnant woman with a werewolf. Bring out that full moon of empathy/sympathy/apathy and you might be mauled in unimaginable ways. Those nine months are a litmus tests of patience for not only a lady but her husband as well.  Especially the husband. His situation is similar to a walk on burning coals. But let me not put the whole nine months in a single bracket because there are blissful times as well, like seeing your wife turn into Pamela Anderson.

First Trimester (first 3 months) – The vomit generator

After the initial euphoria of witnessing two red lines on the pregnancy test kit dies, the arduous journey begins. Your wife will turn into a recycling machine. Anything that goes inside her will come out in mashed form. Sometimes food and medicine will come out in exactly the same form as they went inside. So don’t be surprised if you see a crisp samosa lying in your wash basin one fine morning.

Husbands should try to avoid making any remarks in this duration if they do not want to be karate chopped. Here are a few sample conversations you should never make while your wife is producing hot dimsums.

Husband – I know what you are going through.

Wife – Do you now?!? *Dimsum 1* Believe me you have no *Dimsum 2* bloody idea so stop pretending *Dimsum 3*. Go away before I *Dimsum 4* kill you.

Husband – *does the mistake of patting her wife’s back while she is hovering over the washbasin*

Wife – Don’t touch me, you sex maniac. This is all your fault. You have had your fun. Now sit back and enjoy the next nine months.

Husband – This will be soon over. Every pregnant woman goes through this. You will be Ok.

*Big fuc*ing mistake*

The guy ends up with a broken neck.

The best approach during the first three months will be to hug her cautiously when you think she will not split you into two. Such occasions will be rare but they will be there.

Second Trimester (months 4-6) – Pamela Anderson

Your wife will start looking like those clandestine celebrities in this duration. The tummy will start showing in the 5th or 6th month but it will not be prominent in comparison to her other *ahem*. If you are one of those few unlucky souls, she will carry her first trimester problems in this trimester also. Most women don’t. You should be prepared for some extra shopping as it will appear that the last time your wife shopped was when she was in kindergarten. Nothing will fit her. Her bra size will horrify her. She will buy extra large everything with immense sadness.

During this trimester, the husband should be credit card ready. One tiny sound of rebellion and he might be flying out of Pantaloons. He will be reminded that this photoshop-ish distortion of the wife’s anatomy is all his mistake and now he has to ‘pay’ for it. It will not matter when the husband tries to reason that he is delirious with joy at the photoshop-ish enlargements.

Third Trimester (months 7-9) – The planet

By the ninth month, your wife would have turned into a planet. She would eat as if an asteroid is going to hit Earth tomorrow and vaporize all the ice-cream shops. Do not be alarmed because there is a baby inside her who needs all that nutrition.

The wife might find it uncomfortable to sleep. There will be instances when she will complain that the baby kicks all the times.

Do not try this at home –  

Husband – It will be soon over darling.

Wife – Yeah? What do you know? Have you ever tried pushing a baby out of you? OH GOD! I AM GOING TO DIE! 

Husband – Oh! Come on! It is not as if you are the first woman to….. *Was not able to complete the sentence because of a kick in the balls*

It will be during this trimester that there will be times when the husband and wife will be freaked out by the fact that another human being is growing inside the wife. It might sound like those alien movies but watching the baby play football as your wife’s tummy heaves like a turbulent ocean will not help. This might sound absurd but try talking to the baby. Make a paper boat and keep it on your wife’s tummy while making ridiculous storm sounds.

The D-Day

It gets worse once the labour pain starts. It is like a full moon night and the husband is under immense danger of being flung out of the window of the hospital building. Husbands should be prepared for all the groaning curses flung at them and take them sportingly. Sentences like –

–          This is all your fault you pathetic bastard. God will never forgive you.

–         Wait till this thing gets out of me! I will put you in the washing machine.

–         Don’t ever think that you will make me go through this again. I will snap your neck at the mere mention.

A husband might be alarmed that his wife has been possessed and needs an exorcist more than a mid-wife but that is not the case. Try to dab away the sweat from your wife’s brow when you think she will not dig her nails in your hand. Be quick about it.

Once the baby is delivered your wife will be back to normal except that now she has turned into Mother Dairy and will be dripping milk all over the house. The husband might feel isolated at this point of time as the Dairy will be open 24X7 for the baby. Try not to sulk. 

Surviving a newborn will be covered in another post.

p.s. Pregnancy is a beautiful time. A couple goes through myriad emotions during those nine months. They forget all the pain when they notice the child moving in the tummy, when they try to figure out the head and the arms in the ultrasound report, when they do shopping for the baby before the grand arrival. If the post has given you any negative concerns, then that is purely your pessimistic imagination.

pregnancy

[image from here]

Why SBI is the worst bank of India

Most of you must have already heard horror stories about people taking a Home loan from SBI and then end up cursing the day they took the decision. I have known people who have promptly moved their home loan applications to another bank so that they could relieve themselves from the nightmare of dealing with The Great State Bank if India.

My nightmare is not about a home loan because I was forewarned and did not touch SBI even with a barge pole. This nightmare is a much basic one and now I know why I have seen so many people shout at the employees of SBI. I am soon going to be one of them.

Geet has a Savings and a PPF account in the Sector -3, Rohini branch, Delhi (IFS code – SBIN0011357) of this amazing bank. Since we have moved to a place quite far away from Rohini, we decided to move the accounts to a branch which is very close to our home. We went to the Rohini branch and submitted a handwritten application. And then we waited and waited and waited.

As far as I know and as far as my experience with other banks go, there is a computer network in all banks and the employee goes to a specific screen on his system and changes the branch code there and voila! your branch is changed. Then the customer must go in the new branch and confirm. Thats it. But things don’t happen this way in SBI.

After almost 20 days of submitting the application, I went confidently into the branch close to my house to confirm that both the accounts have been moved and I was told that they are still in Rohini. Now, even if someone finds it difficult to locate an alphabet on the keyboard (as most of SBI employees do), I do not believe that the employee will take 20 days to press a few keys and move the account.

I came back home and called up the Rohini branch.

a) They had no idea that such an application existed.

b) They were very cool about the fact that the accounts have not been moved. “Why don’t you come to the branch and resubmit the application” – the guy at the other end said. “I have many other things to do in my life. Make sure they are transferred and I will call again” – I shouted back.

I called back again after 4 days.

“Sorry the staff is not available due to Diwali.”

“But today is not Diwali.”

“They will be available on Friday.”

I called back again on Friday.

“Sorry but madam has not reached yet. She will look into it.”

“When does your office open?”

“10”

“And she is not in even by 11?”

“Uh-uh”

“So you guys are treating it as a Sarkari Daftar (Government office)?”

I then called up after 11. A lady picked up the phone. I explained her the situation and asked her to check in her system whether the accounts have been moved or not.

“Sorry I don’t have a system.”

“Can someone else check it?”

“Can you come in the branch?”

“I don’t think so. I submitted the application 1 month back. It surely does not take that long to move an account from one branch to another. Please check it.”

She then talked to someone and the call was disconnected. I called again. I called nine times (yes, I counted) before a guy picked up the phone.

“Sorry sir, no one is available right now.”

“Connect me to your manager.”

“Manager is not there, he has been transferred.”

“Your bank is working without a manager?”

“Yes.”

I do not have any inclination of continuing with this godforsaken bank. And before I forget, after your account is moved to another branch (if it is ever moved), you have to fill the application in that branch as well. It is as good as opening a new account. Yeah, it is completely sarkari and disgusting.

The staff was completely ill-prepared and lazy and was not able to help me at all. They basically want people to run around them like dogs and lick their feet so that the employees might take pity at them and do the work.

Two other really bad incidents with SBI –

a) Geet applied for a cheque book and gave an application in the Rohini branch. The cheque book came and all the cheques carried her maiden name which was changed in the bank records almost a year back. SBI is basically fine with wasting everyone’s time and their own resources too.

b) My mother-in-law had to go to the Rohini branch 4 times to get an entry in her passbook as no one was available at the window. She is 65.

The Citizen Charter of SBI states that –

a satisfied customer is the most important factor for growth of its business.

Seriously SBI? No Shit! I have seen too many people abusing your staff for testing their patience to believe that your employees have no idea that they are not supposed to treat everyone as scum.

I will keep harassing the staff at Rohini over the phone to get my accounts transferred. I hope I will not be too much trouble.  I also have raised an online complaint at your website if you care to know.

[image from here]