Strike Daddy is hiring!

Strike Daddy

Wanted – Strike Care Executives (SCE) to carry out systematic and methodological strikes of varying degrees in India and abroad.

Company Profile – Strike Daddy is a reputed firm that has an elite list of clandestine clientele who firmly believe in strikes and its positive outcomes. Our clients include prominent political parties, businessmen and unions. We specialize in organized strikes and are an OSMMI (Organised Strike Maturity Model Index) Level 5 company. Our success rate is 100% with a variance of +/- 5%. Our annual turnover (not including the black money) is 2000 crores per year which makes us the Number One Strike Specialist of India. We have been awarded the coveted Best Strike Organizer award by the ISU (International Strike Union) 4 times in a row from 2008-2012.

Job Details

SCE-TV (Trainee Vandals) We are hiring inexperienced staff for our operations all across India. Field experience in an established company is not required. However, the aspirants must provide proof of roadside squabbles/fist fights/gun fights etc. Applicant should have failed in at least one class in his/her school. People who have not completed school and who aspire to become politicians will be preferred. Please do not apply if you look like Bollywood actor Imran Khan. Experience : 0-6 months

SCE-AV (Associate Vandals) : Applicant should have relevant work experience in a reputed Strike Organization (SO) firm. It is mandatory to carry a copy of all the FIRs lodged against the applicant. Applicants with more than 5 FIRs will be given preference. Applicant should have at least 1.5 years of field experience which must include one or more of the following activities – burning of public vehicles, smashing windows and doors of offices, manhandling/beating common man, shouting slogans, clash with police. Genuine photographs showing the applicant indulging in the above mentioned acts will be accepted. Men can also submit proofs of molestations/rape charges. Experience : 6 months – 3 years

SCE-SV (Senior Vandals) : In addition to a relevant work experience in a reputed SO firm, the applicant should have a field experience of at least 5.5 years. The applicant should have spent at least one year in jail (need not be a continuous one year term). The applicant should be a political aspirant and should have at least 2 rape charges (NA for women applicants), 10 molestation charges (NA for women applicants), 5 murder/kidnapping/black-marketing/dacoity/corruption charges pending against him/her in various courts in India. It is mandatory for the applicant to have bashed at least 2 policemen. Must have lead to the death of at least 5 people by a traffic jam or a train delay. Experience : 3 years – 7 years

Documents required – Applicants should bring substantial proofs like photographs, newspaper clippings (containing name or a clear picture of the applicant), hospital bills, television report clips (showing applicant in a clear view), FIR reports, Court case documents, Jail term proofs etc. Please note that witness accounts are not acceptable. Please do not bring broken teeth/chopped fingers/skin fragments/ears/tongue/eyeballs of your victims as proof.

Selection Procedure – We use advanced SST (Simulated Strike Tests) to evaluate the applicants on a point based exam. We use cut edge technologies like SSM (Scream Shrillness Meters), FCM (Fight Capacity Meters), AC (Animalism Capacitors), PE (Pyrophobia Evaluators), ECBCM (Effigy Creation & Burning Capability Model) etc to judge the capacity of the applicants to become a reputed Strike Care Executive. There will be group discussion rounds. Dummy Knives, stones, tree stumps, hockey sticks, swords and pistols will be provided for the same. Please do not bring any personal equipment.

Training Details – Our various level of SCC (Savage Creation Certifications) are specially designed to give you the required boost in your career. Based on your relevant years of experience, you can get a certification from Level 0 to 5. In addition to regular theory classes in strike procedures there are practical coaching by celebrity Strike Care Executives (SCE) as well. In the end of the induction course, there is an internship for 2 weeks with a reputed SCE before a final evaluation and project assignment.

Job Application Details – Walk-ins on 4th and 5th March 2013 in our headquarters in Noida, which is the best location for hands-on experience. If you are not able to attend the walk-in, please send your resume to fire&ash&guns&cash@strikedaddy.com.

Handsome salaries available. Opportunity to work in various locations in India with reputed clients. Onsite opportunities also available.

Chocolaty boys and Chui-mui girls need not apply. If you have been rejected in the last 6 months by us, don’t push your luck and make us come after you by applying again.

[image from here]

Coupling two Software Engineers…

..is a recipe for disaster. You may ask why? Of course, if you consider ‘making pots of money’ as a consolation, then it might work for you but keeping the money-mindedness aside for a second, here is a list of reasons why it would be better to put your hand in a pit of vipers instead.

1. Both of you might end up in different countries. It is not always easy to say no to an onsite opportunity when you have a home loan, a car loan, a washing machine loan, a diamond necklace loan and a pack of underwear loan and an over pressurizing manager. And then, practically speaking, the long distance SOS (Sex On Skype) fizzle out in a few days, simply because the ‘feel’ is absent.

2. Both of you might end up in different shifts which is worse than being in different countries. Leave alone SOS, you will not have the real one in days. You will wake him up after coming from office and crash yourself on the bed as soon as he gets up and vice versa. Your conversations will end up being – ‘Hi honey’. ‘Bye honey’. ZZZZZZZ

3. Completely forget any trips to Simla, Munnar, Singapore, Andaman or Malaysia. Getting an off together for 5 days for a holiday will be task more difficult than getting Katrina Kaif to act and Manmohan Singh to open his mouth. You can beg, rub your nose on the ground till it bleeds, pull out your hair but it just won’t happen.

4. On the rare occasions when both of you will be at home by 9 pm, you will bitch about your managers till 10 and vent out all your frustration and completely forget to cook. You will end up having bread with soup, which will be good actually considering your expanding bellies.

5. Home made food will be available only on Saturdays and Sundays, if at least one of you is not working on the weekend, which will be as rare as scams in India. You will end up eating pizza, pasta and punjabi thalis at malls. Whatever good the bread and soup were doing will adjust to inflation.

6. All the family functions will carry on without you. Your cousins will get married and will have babies. You won’t be there in their marriage albums and videos. You will meet them, maybe, once in 5 years and wonder where all the time flew away.

7. If you are planning to have a baby, forget about it, simply because you should get some time to ding-dong, which you won’t get. If you somehow manage, the she-engineer’s manager will make sure that the baby is delivered in office alongside the project deliverable. The baby will already be stressed out by the time he will come out because of your 15 hour shifts.

8. Your parents will wither away trying to make sense of what hit them. You won’t have time for them and they will end up cursing themselves for giving birth to a machine and then marrying him off to another.

9. If the she-engineer somehow manages to pop out a baby, the baby will grow up thinking that the maid is his mother. He will not recognise his father on the rare occasions of bonding simply because he has never seen him awake. The first word he might learn will be ‘Basanti’, which will be the name of the maid.

10. One day, while buying Cabbage at Big Bazaar, you will pick up one in your hand and wonder what the difference between both of you is.

p.s. Don’t take the post seriously. It’s a funny take on what I see people around me going through.