CroreHit Shetty goes to Hollywood

New York Depress starring Brave Willis and Emma Wandson

New York Depress starring Brave Willis and Emma Wandson

Crore-Hit Shetty was pacing worriedly in his office. His last 7 movies have been blockbusters, generating revenues of over 100 crores each. Producers were falling over each other to make a movie with him. Top actors were rubbing their nose on his toenails to give them a chance. Recently, Kamsina Kaif had a massive heart attack when she was approached to do a dance number for his movie. She was overwhelmed to death.

Suddenly the phone rang. It was his dear friend, Safe-Run Khan.

“Are you taking me in your next or not?” Safe-Run shouted the moment Crore-Hit picked up the phone.

“Oh! You won’t believe what I am directing next. I have a Hollywood offer!” Crore-Hit blurted out. He could not hold it any longer.

“What!?!? Please take me! Please! I will dance in all the weddings of your family. Tell me you are not joking!”

“No, I am not! I have been approached by Hippo Searchlight to make an international movie for them.”

“So what is the problem? Why do you sound worried?”

“I don’t have a story!” Crore-Hit said exasperatedly.

“Bah! But you never did! Come on! Pick up any older movie of yours. Pick Chennai Depress. Turn it into New York Depress,” Safe-Run suggested.

“Oh my Crores! You are a genius! I will give you a role in it,” Crore-Hit said and kept the receiver back. Safe-Run wanted to tell him that he would be happy to play even a telephone booth in his movie, but he kept that for later. 

Crore-Hit started working on the modifying the script. He took help of his lungi friends like Sajid Crap, Sajid’s sister Farha Crap, and Arbaaz Crap. The first thing they did was to take away all the South Indian characters out of Chennai Depress and fill them with stereotyped Caucasians. Then the locations of all the romantic songs were changed. There was one song atop the New York subway now and another one where the actors hang upside down from the Golden Gate. Just-Teen Burger was roped in to lend his voice to the lead actress while Yo Yo Donkey Singh was finalized to playback for the male lead.

“What about the crappy one liners and stale jokes?” Crore-Hit asked the Crap clan.

As an answer, Farha Crap took out the ‘Stereotype encyclopaedia for Blondes’ from her bag. The elite directors spent the rest of the day digging out jokes from the book and fitting them in various parts in the screenplay. 

“Have they finalized the starcast yet?” Karamchand, the editor-in-chief of Film-unfair asked Crore-Hit Shetty in a page 3 party.

“Yes, they are taking Brave Willis and Emma Wandson.”

“Isn’t Brave a bit old for the role? And Emma is 1/10th his age,” Karamchand said.

“But the audience loves old men and young girls. It’s aphrodisiacal,” Crore-Hit said flashing his teeth. 

Finalizing the actress for the item number was a monumental task. Crore-hit finally decided to hold a dance competition and invited Brave Willis to judge it with Farha Crap. It was a disaster. Three actresses shot each other with machine guns while one of them had her eyeballs clawed out. One actress was found naked tied to a commode while another one’s hair caught fire mysteriously. Another one died in a landmine blast just outside the venue. It was finally decided that an international celebrity should be taken. Sunny Lube-onee was finally signed because of her varied ‘exposures’ in the field. 

The movie went on floor and the Hollywood production house was pleasantly taken aback by the amazingly grotesque treatment of the subject. Crore-Hit convinced them that this is what the audience want nowadays. He told them that they leave their brains at home (India’s latest contribution to the list of Idioms) and laugh at all jokes from the Stereotype Encyclopaedia. The highlight of the movie was Brave Willis pelvic thrusting a song in the voice of Yo Yo Donkey Singh on top of a subway train as Emma Wandson quivered semi-naked in front of him. She lip synced Just-teen Burger’s rendition of the duet as a group of hundred dancers gyrated with her atop the train. The whole of New York was out on the streets to see this unbelievable spectacle. 

The movie earned billions of dollars. Crore-Hit Shetty was rechristened BullShit Shetty in international circles.

Safe-Run Khan loved his promised cameo in New York Depress. He was the one who helped Emma Wandson get on the train by giving her his hand, followed by Emma doing an ‘Obliviate’ on him. He looked forward to promote the movie in India by appearing with the lead star cast on the best television shows like See.Eye.Duh and ‘Niyati entangled in the whirlpool of relationships’.

Meanwhile BullShit Shetty was offered to direct the next part of Aven-jerks – The rise of Loki, Tinda and Tori. 

If God had not given us the sense of touch

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We would have not known goosebumps by a child’s touch.

We would have beaten up a child and he wouldn’t have cried much.

We would have kissed without our hearts managing a flutter.

We would have sought new forms of tortures that served us better.

We would have held hands and not felt sensations.

We would have sprayed bullets and death would have danced sans afflictions.

We would have lost stirring of love and the warmth of passion.

We would have thrown acid on a sleeping woman and turned her painlessly ashen.

We would have not known the tenderness of an embrace

We would have not known a stinging slap on our face.

We would have not felt our feet going numb in snow

We would have not known the blinding Sun’s burning grow.

We would have not smiled at the wetness of the rain.

We would have been stung by bees without the pain.

We would have not known a tear sliding silently down with a dream.

We would have burnt a bride and she would have died without a scream.

We would have not known when winds had gathered around.

We would have bled to death without knowing the searing pain of a wound.

We would have feared death and not the pain that comes before it.

We would have welcomed life sans the fear of pain that bore it.

We would have been equals as endurance would have no gender.

We would have lived in a different world where touch had no splendor.

[image from here]

The funny(?!?) flowers are here

I was going to write a serious post this week, but then I got up early on Sunday morning and thought of taking a walk in the garden which surrounds my apartment. I saw a few species of flowers which I have never seen in my life before and thought of taking some pictures and that is why the serious post will have to wait for a few more days! 🙂

There were so may colours around that I went crazy clicking. Have a look and you’ll know what I mean! And, oh, before I leave you with the pictures, I would like to thank Archie for giving me the Treasured Blogger Award! Thank you Archie and here are a few flowers for you! 🙂

Flowers

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The blue flowers are like a ready made bouquet. They are blooming all over the city right now.

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These are leaves, not flowers, as you can see. They were green once, but then they started turning white from the boundaries(as you can see the ones in the background) and then completely white. What happens next? Will they turn Red? Orange? Or fall dead just like that? Kya Hoga! Jaldi hi dekhenge! Hum Log! Railgaadi! Railgaadi! Ahem! Sorry, got carried away!

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Rose! Thank God! One familiar flower! The Roses here are quite huge. They are infact humongous. If you are walking down a road and feel tired, you can just sit in one of them and take some rest. No kidding! And, by the way, all that water is dew drops, in case you are thinking that I spat on them to add the effect! 😛

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The bouquet again! This time in Pink! Just what you need for an angry girlfriend! 😉

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I know! This is a leaf! This was the lone red one in a huge green bunch. The outcast! Maybe the bohemian.

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I call them the red bulbs! They are the first one I see every morning because they are growing in bunches just outside by bedroom window.

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Dewdrops again. No! I did not pee on the plant! You guys are disgusting! How can you even think like that?

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Ok! This plant reminded me of Independence day. Not our independence day! 😐 The movie! The big blue ones are the large mother ships which stayed above the Earth’s atmosphere and the small blue ones are the small alien ships which were sent to fight our aircrafts! 😀 Do you think I am watching too many movies? Oh! And do you see the green leaves below? That is the Earth! Right now the alien ships are all cuddled together and having some sort of a conference as to which city to attack first.

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Do you see the small yellow insect? Well, that is the new micro robot I am working on right now. Its not perfect yet. It can’t fly(although it doesn’t need to but I am trying to add that functionality). The project was funded by Vicks Vaporub. They want a new product where this micro robot will come loaded with an advanced form of Vicks fumes. You just have to leave it into you nose and it will travel inside your body and by morning, there won’t be any trace of cold and cough.

Are you thinking where this machine will end up finally? In your commode, ofcourse!

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Capillary action at work I guess! No, I did not inject it with blue ink!

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Again not flowers! But look at all that spit dewdrops!

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Hope you liked the show! Now go and do something meaningful! 😛

The flowers are here!

Ever since winters have gone on a break here, Manchester has been on a color riot. I have never seen such a mind-boggling variety of flowers before and that too within a radius of a kilometer of my house. So, a brand new camera and a plethora of colours to experiment upon was reason enough for me to get started on my expedition.

Right now, the city is covered with innumerable varieties of flowers, a few of which are already been shed on the roads and parks in the form of innumerable petals. Believe me, the beauty of thousands of petals whirling on roads as the buses rush past OR the beauty of parks covered under a heavy blanket of petals with is something hard to pen down. So, here goes.

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The city has an overdose of the pink flowered trees. Don’t ask me the names because I don’t have the slightest clue. During the months of April/May, the trees will be filled with such pink coloured flowers which would later fall and adorn the streets and parks. More photographs later.

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Tulips are another favourite here. You will find them in the gardens of numerable houses.

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These Lotus shaped flowers are also abundant. These are also the first ones to fall. The trees look really beautiful completely covered with them.

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The grass all around the city is covered with these very tiny yellow flowers. 

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When I saw these blue flowers, I thought, they should be called Bluebells. And voila! That was their name.

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Well, this is what I was talking about. The pink flowered trees. This is a park near Rusholme. I got down from the bus to take a stroll and was awestruck by the beauty. And can you see the petals strewn over the ground?

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No? Have a closer look!!

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Well, that was it. Before going, I would also like to add two of my favourite photos from my collection. They are nowhere related to the topic of the post but are worth sharing. The first one is that of a cemetery near my house. Somehow it reminds me of a huge dormitory where all the children are sleeping. 🙂

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The second one is that of the Manchester Eye. I love the clouds at the backdrop!

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That is all gents and ladies. Over and out.

p.s. If you want any of these photos, just let me know.

I am

I am the fish whom the eagle caught in his claws and lifted in the sky. A second before I died, I thought I could fly.

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I am Heathcliff, the one who could never forgive Catherine all his life but knew that a slight brush of her fingers on his cheek would have melted away the anger.

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I am a dollarbird who does not belong to a piece of land, who could see the world from the blue sky and realize that it all seems the same from there – an upturned sky in the night and green blocks of unsolved jigsaw in the mornings.

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I am Achilles, who was invincible but with a weakness. His heel is my heart.

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I am a witness of the holocaust. The one who saw humans dancing with death, in the warmth of burning flesh.

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I am a harbinger of changing times. An amused spectator who watches a dust particle turning into a galaxy and forgets everything.

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I am Krishna. The last child who was saved before it was too late. The last one to get out before the gates were slammed shut.

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I am an amalgam of Howard Roark and Peter Keating – sometimes a man who couldn’t be and doesn’t know it and sometimes a man who couldn’t be and knows it.

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I am the moon who is imperfectly beautiful.

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I am a Phoenix, whose destiny is to rise from his own ashes.

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I am a promising pariah.

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I am the soul who feeds the master when he flies to him. The soul who does not remember anything when he returns back.

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Vote for me!!!

vote-or-dieThe final nominations of the Avant Garde Bloggies Awards have been released today! It was a painstakingly long and exhilarating process which was initiated by Poonam in September by this post. The Judges and the scrutinising committee worked for almost a month to reach the final list of nominations. The beautiful badges were created by Chirag

Now why the hell am I telling you about this? Well, like politicians, I too have my own selfish reasons which are twofold. One, I want all of you to go and vote for my posts which have been nominated and second, I want all of you to read all the other beautiful posts which are nominated! Ok, the second one is a little lame but you can read the other posts after you have voted for me. That’s fair enough! 🙂

So vote for me! This is your only chance to do something meaningful and exciting in your boring and meandering life! To ease the course of action, here are the links to the categories in which I am nominated. Just click on the link and vote in the poll box. In case you want to read my posts which are nominated, the links are available in the poll posts.

Best Current Affairs Post – Raping Bonanza in Orissa

Best Book Review – A Thousand Splendid Suns/The Book Thief

Best Satirical Post – Delhi Bomb Blasts : A Pegion’s View

Best Social Issues Post – The Price of being different

Most Informative Post – Invisible Dimensions

Best Short story Post – Valentine Valium

Most Insane post – The Hitchhiker’s Guide to lose a guy

Best Personal Rant Post – The Burning taxi and the Eggless Mob

Most Humorous Post – Matrimonially Yours

Best Visual Post – Paintings

Best “About Me”

Most Interesting Sidebar

That’s it!!! Get going people. Lots of ground to cover!! 😀

Kuch iss tarha…

Tumhari hansi ke mod pe mud gayi zindagi kuch iss tarha,

ke jaise udasi ki rah pe wo kabhi chali hi na thi.

tumhari aankhon ke bhanwar main doob gayi zindagi kuch iss tarha,

ke jaise anchuue sapnoon ke sagar main kabhi bahi hi na thi…

Ab tak to dhadkanain chalti hi thi lamhoon ki raah pe,

Saansoon ki ungali thame, chupchaap dabe paanv se.

tumhari aane ki aahat se wo ungali chuda ke bhagi hai kuch iss tarha,

jaise humkadam wo saansoon ki kabhi bani hi na thi…

Soote to the hum kuch iss tarha nashe main,

ke sapnoon ke aane ki hulchul kabhi suni na thi.

tere sapnoon ne aakar nashe ko sataya hai kuch iss tarha,

jaise meri neend tere sapnoon ke bina lagi hi na thi…

Kabhi narm na the meri in aankhoon ke patthar,

in aankhoon ne kabhi aansuoon ki aahat suni na thi.

tumhe khone ke khayal se beh chale hain aansoon kuch iss tarha,

jaise meri aankhoon main inki kami hi na thi…

Kyun chali gayi ho tum mujhe chod kar yoon akela,

jaise tumne meri dhadkan kabhi suni hi na thi.

Meri saansoon ke patte murjha rahe hain kuch iss tarha,

jaise tumhari roshni ke bina inmain zindagi hi na thi…