CroreHit Shetty goes to Hollywood

New York Depress starring Brave Willis and Emma Wandson

New York Depress starring Brave Willis and Emma Wandson

Crore-Hit Shetty was pacing worriedly in his office. His last 7 movies have been blockbusters, generating revenues of over 100 crores each. Producers were falling over each other to make a movie with him. Top actors were rubbing their nose on his toenails to give them a chance. Recently, Kamsina Kaif had a massive heart attack when she was approached to do a dance number for his movie. She was overwhelmed to death.

Suddenly the phone rang. It was his dear friend, Safe-Run Khan.

“Are you taking me in your next or not?” Safe-Run shouted the moment Crore-Hit picked up the phone.

“Oh! You won’t believe what I am directing next. I have a Hollywood offer!” Crore-Hit blurted out. He could not hold it any longer.

“What!?!? Please take me! Please! I will dance in all the weddings of your family. Tell me you are not joking!”

“No, I am not! I have been approached by Hippo Searchlight to make an international movie for them.”

“So what is the problem? Why do you sound worried?”

“I don’t have a story!” Crore-Hit said exasperatedly.

“Bah! But you never did! Come on! Pick up any older movie of yours. Pick Chennai Depress. Turn it into New York Depress,” Safe-Run suggested.

“Oh my Crores! You are a genius! I will give you a role in it,” Crore-Hit said and kept the receiver back. Safe-Run wanted to tell him that he would be happy to play even a telephone booth in his movie, but he kept that for later. 

Crore-Hit started working on the modifying the script. He took help of his lungi friends like Sajid Crap, Sajid’s sister Farha Crap, and Arbaaz Crap. The first thing they did was to take away all the South Indian characters out of Chennai Depress and fill them with stereotyped Caucasians. Then the locations of all the romantic songs were changed. There was one song atop the New York subway now and another one where the actors hang upside down from the Golden Gate. Just-Teen Burger was roped in to lend his voice to the lead actress while Yo Yo Donkey Singh was finalized to playback for the male lead.

“What about the crappy one liners and stale jokes?” Crore-Hit asked the Crap clan.

As an answer, Farha Crap took out the ‘Stereotype encyclopaedia for Blondes’ from her bag. The elite directors spent the rest of the day digging out jokes from the book and fitting them in various parts in the screenplay. 

“Have they finalized the starcast yet?” Karamchand, the editor-in-chief of Film-unfair asked Crore-Hit Shetty in a page 3 party.

“Yes, they are taking Brave Willis and Emma Wandson.”

“Isn’t Brave a bit old for the role? And Emma is 1/10th his age,” Karamchand said.

“But the audience loves old men and young girls. It’s aphrodisiacal,” Crore-Hit said flashing his teeth. 

Finalizing the actress for the item number was a monumental task. Crore-hit finally decided to hold a dance competition and invited Brave Willis to judge it with Farha Crap. It was a disaster. Three actresses shot each other with machine guns while one of them had her eyeballs clawed out. One actress was found naked tied to a commode while another one’s hair caught fire mysteriously. Another one died in a landmine blast just outside the venue. It was finally decided that an international celebrity should be taken. Sunny Lube-onee was finally signed because of her varied ‘exposures’ in the field. 

The movie went on floor and the Hollywood production house was pleasantly taken aback by the amazingly grotesque treatment of the subject. Crore-Hit convinced them that this is what the audience want nowadays. He told them that they leave their brains at home (India’s latest contribution to the list of Idioms) and laugh at all jokes from the Stereotype Encyclopaedia. The highlight of the movie was Brave Willis pelvic thrusting a song in the voice of Yo Yo Donkey Singh on top of a subway train as Emma Wandson quivered semi-naked in front of him. She lip synced Just-teen Burger’s rendition of the duet as a group of hundred dancers gyrated with her atop the train. The whole of New York was out on the streets to see this unbelievable spectacle. 

The movie earned billions of dollars. Crore-Hit Shetty was rechristened BullShit Shetty in international circles.

Safe-Run Khan loved his promised cameo in New York Depress. He was the one who helped Emma Wandson get on the train by giving her his hand, followed by Emma doing an ‘Obliviate’ on him. He looked forward to promote the movie in India by appearing with the lead star cast on the best television shows like See.Eye.Duh and ‘Niyati entangled in the whirlpool of relationships’.

Meanwhile BullShit Shetty was offered to direct the next part of Aven-jerks – The rise of Loki, Tinda and Tori. 

Forgotten Heroes – Tuffy and Pigeon

TuffyPigeon

There were times when Tuffy could not believe that he was sleeping on the road, fighting with stray dogs over tiny morsels of food. He lived in a mansion once, where everyone sang and danced, where he was once made an umpire in a game about which he had no idea (all he knew was that one of the wooden boards had a bit of chicken tikka masala rubbed on it and whenever he picked it up, everyone screamed and pointed at the sky). Those were the good old days.

Pigeon sat on a wire, curiously studying the familiar dog that gnawed at a bone near one of the huge dustbins. Even though he was dirty and his shiny white mane was hardly visible, the pigeon could not whisk away the inkling that the face was too familiar. Pigeon did not have any friends. The fact that he was white gave him delusions of grandeur. This really pissed off the usual grey pigeons and they kept him at bay. As he saw the dog, the pigeon remembered the time when he was a pet and sighed. He missed how Suman rubbed his nipples while singing. Those were the good old days.

HAHKHe flew towards the dog.

“I hope I am not disturbing you Sir but are you Tuffy?” the pigeon asked.

The dog looked up. It was days since anyone has talked to him.

“Yes, I am,” he said.

“It is a privilege to meet you sir! I am aware of your heroic deeds and how you helped Prem and Nisha in Hum Aapke Hain Kaun.”

“Wait! Are you Prem and Suman’s pigeon from Maine Pyar Kiya?”

“Yes, Sir. I am,” the pigeon said puffing his chest.

“You were quite heroic yourself. The way you helped Prem and Suman was commendable.”

“Thank you Sir. So what happened? Why are you here?” the pigeon asked. Tuffy sighed.

“Well! I got bored. It wasn’t as if I didn’t like the family but they were getting irritating,” Tuffy said.

“Tell me about it!” the pigeon said rolling his eyes.

“Their house was so bloody big and then everyone was calling my name all the time. I have had enough of running. And then they would sing like 20 songs in a day and made me dance on my hind legs. It wasn’t funny,” Tuffy said.

“I know what you mean. I loved the way Suman held me in her hands and rubbed my crotch but she would throw me in the air like 50 times in a day to send a message to Prem. They lived in the same bloody house!” Pigeon said.

“There was always a crowd in that house. It was as if a whole country was living there. And people will pull my hair, pick me up, toss me around, make me run. By the time I went to sleep at night, my muscles would be burning,” Tuffy said as a tear slip down his cheek.

MPK“I must confess something. I hated my owner. She had this permanent begging expression on her face. And the way she said Prem almost killed me. I wanted to peck out her eyes. And she was a tube light. The poor guy took her to the balcony to have sex with her and she won’t let him. She made him sing and dance till he collapsed of exhaustion,” Pigeon said.

“Nisha and Prem were idiots too. She prepared food for him, wore here fancy pink dress and when they had all the time in the world, they danced! Can you fuc*ing believe that! And her sister who fell off the stairs was another idiot. Why did she have to dance all over the house to get into a room? No one in that stupid family knew how to walk. They even danced before going to the loo. I wonder how they reproduced,” Tuffy said in disgust.

The dam was broken. Old wounds were opening.

“Are you happy now?” Pigeon asked.

HAHK2“Hell yeah!” Tuffy answered licking the bone he was holding in his paws, “Of course, I miss Nisha at times.”

“Why is that?” Pigeon asked in surprise.

“Nisha had a habit of touching me at inappropriate places.”

“Really? Suman also had that habit. She would run her hands all over me as if I was a Kashmiri shawl. Since I never had a girlfriend, this was the closest I came to having sex.”

“I don’t know. I was always aroused by Nisha. Once she wore a backless purple blouse and swayed her hips like melons tumbling off a cart. Heaven!”

“Oh! That was classic. Vagaries of the civilized world.”

“Tell me pigeon. Did you actually push that villain off the cliff?”

“I have never talked about this. Well no, I was not trying to kill him. I was trying to kill Prem. When Suman was thrown out of Prem’s house by his father, I had no idea that he would come after her. Oh! How I wanted to put my beak in his nose and pull out his brains when I saw him in the village. Even though I hated Suman’s shrivelled face, the physical pleasures she gave me were too much to sacrifice. I thought that if Prem died, she will be mine. But Alas, that idiot villain could not understand my intention. I was just trying to help him pull Prem down and he thought I was attacking him,” pigeon said with a sad expression.

“I would like to confess something too. When Nisha gave me that letter to give to Prem, I thought that giving it to his elder brother will create a ruckus and he will still marry her and make her life hell. And then she will be mine. She will always turn to me for comfort. But the fool made her marry Prem. I cried buckets that day,” Tuffy said.

As Tuffy and Pigeon were busy being nostalgic, no one noticed a tigress coming from behind. Before Pigeon could spread his wings, she landed her paw on his tail and closed her mouth over his head.

“NOoooo,” Tuffy shouted and jumped at the tigress. He did not see a blurred movement of her paw that slashed against his jaw, flinging him at a wall on his right. Tuffy slid down the wall like a dead fly.

Within seconds, the tigress was licking her claws as a few feathers slid off her mouth.

“Pathetic animals! I can’t believe someone took them as pets. Look at me! Now I am a majestic animal worthy of being a hero. I am elated that Himmatwala took me in. He is kinda sexy too. I love licking his shaved cheek,” the Tigress said fluttering her eyelashes. She then moaned and walked away to find Himmatwala.

The thought of another lick of the shaved cheek was too much to bear.

Himmatwala-New-Poster

[Images from – 1,2,3,4, 5]

Best of Bollywood in 2012

2012 was a different year for Bollywood. A handful of movies that come under the category of meaningful cinema were released and Bollywood realised that you can make money out of a sensible movie without being preachy (I am adding  information about collections to make that point). There were strong female leads this year both in front and behind the screen. While English Vinglish and Talaash were directed by Gauri Shinde and Reema Kagti, Sneha Khanwalkar blew me away by her music score in Gangs of Wasseypur. Barring Pan Singh Tomar and Oh My God, every movie listed below had strong female leads. Yes, we can do without item numbers. With élan.

Here is an alphabetical list of my favourites. If you are searching for Ek Tha Tiger, you will find it at the end of the post.

Barfiek-main-aur-ek-tu-poster

Barfi – The most heart tugging movie which came out last year. The eternal love story of Barfi and Jhilmil had all of us in tears. The movie sent a strong message that love does not know disabilities and gathered more than 106 crores in the process. If you forget the scenes copied from ‘City Lights’, this movie is nothing less than a masterpiece. I have reviewed it in detail here.

Ek Main Aur ekk Tu – A unique concept for Indian audience where the girl was calling the shots, where all the signals which men equate to commitment were rightly put to place. Commitments and relationships do not happen over assumptions. And yes, the girl can be older.  I loved the movie for its theme and the Indian audience were fine with it too. Made on a budget of 36 Crores, the movie made 40 crores and was a moderate success.

EnglishVinglish-MovieReviewGOW 2

English Vinglish – Sridevi’s comeback vehicle and what a comeback! One of the most grounded movies of recent times, it is a story of a woman trying to prove herself and coming out with flying colours. No, she wasn’t just there to make Ladoos and to be abused by her daughter. There was more to her. Made on a budget of 15 crores, the movie earned 85 crores at the box office.

Gangs of Wasseypur 1 & 2 – The rawness of the movie will leave you breathless. The movie was a cinematic brilliance because of the depth of characters and triumph of storytelling. The gore was not everyone’s cup of tea but see beyond that and you will see the stellar performances of Manoj Bajpai, Nawazuddin Siddiqui and Huma Qureshi. Both the parts were made at a budget of 20 crores and raked in around 60 crores at the box office.

kahaniLuv-Shuv-Tey-Chicken-Khurana

Kahani– An engaging thriller after such a long time. The movie broke all the clichés of a Bollywood movie – No songs, No male lead and a pregnant woman as the lead protagonist. There wasn’t a single dull moment in this fast paced suspense thriller. Made on a shoestring budget of 8 crores, the movie earned 104 crores at the box office.

Luv Shuv Tey Chicken Khurana – A simple feel good story of a boy who returns to his village to get his granddad’s famous chicken recipe to pay his debts. There are problems. His granddad does not remember a thing and the boy is falling in love with his brother’s fiancé. Add to it a crazy family and a servant named ‘Dalidri’. Made on a budget of 3 crores, the movie found its audience and earned 10 crores.

OMG-Oh-My-God Paan Singh Tomar

Oh my God – The movie showed us a mirror. It rightly portrayed the commercialisation of God and how common people allow themselves to be fooled by the business. The movie was the surprise hit of the year for me. Made on a budget of 20 crores, the movie earned 83 crores at the box office.

Paan Singh Tomar – The movie depicts the real life story of Paan Sigh Tomar who won numerous medals in national level racing events in India. He was an army man who turns into a dacoit because of the inability of the corrupt Indian law and order system to provide him justice. Watch this for Irrfan Khan. Made on a budget of 8 crores, the movie earned 38 crores at the box office.

Talaash Vicky_Donor

Talaash – The most anticipated suspense movie of the year. A lot of people were disappointed by it but it does not take away the fact that the movie was beautifully crafted with some good performances. I loved the way the director left hints all over the movie. The movie earned 90 crores at the box office. It was made on a budget of 40 crores.

Vicky Donor – My favourite movie of the year and the only movie that I saw twice in the theatre. This was a unique concept and I believe had a very good chance at the Oscars. Aayushmann is a very lucky guy to get a dream debut like this movie. Made on a budget of 5 crores, the movie earned 46 crores at the box office.

Of course, these movies were not the top grossers of the year. Except for Barfi and Kahani, none of the movies made it to the 100 crores slot. Here is a list of the Hit Shit Nautanki movies of the year that I wish were never made

Ek Tha Tiger – Story of a RAW agent and an ISI agent falling in love and jumping from one building to another.

Son of Sardar – Ajay Devgan plays a Sikh who cannot dance. And Sonakshi in that Red sari dancing like Mithun was the last straw.

Dabangg 2 – Kareena looks like an idiot wearing a blouse and petticoat in the Fevicol song. Stupid movie = Big money.

Bol Bachchan – DAFAQ did I just see? My eyes! My eyes!

Rowdy Rathore – Don’t angry me. Exactly.

Agneepath – Mutilation of a classic.

Housefull 2 – Sajid Khan tries to do a Manmohan Desai who then becomes the first soul to bawl in heaven.

Jab Tak Hai Jaan – One movie you wish Yash Chopra never made.

Cocktail – A modern Indian girl with a mind of her own is good for fuc*ing. A traditional Indian cow is good for marrying. Period.

Raaz 3 – The next time you see a decapitated body, try copulation to calm yourself.

Student of the Year – Keep a brick wali wall handy.

Next year is exciting with a lot of good movies lined up. Hopefully, we will have less of those heaving bosoms.

Kamina Mahina

For those of you whose Hindi is as deplorable as Sonia Gandhi’s, Kamina is Rascal and Mahina is Month, so the post title is – Rascal Month.

Now to understand what I am about to narrate, you absolutely have to see this song.

*Warning – Make sure there are no children around because they will start asking unnecessary questions like why Uncle and Aunty are not kissing each other instead of dancing like a bear and a baby elephant. Yes, that is exactly what they ask. Behold the Hashmi Generation!

Now, if you were able to endure the video till the end, let me congratulate you because you have the GQ (Gyration quotient) of 250. There is a high possibility that you are a product of the 90s when such bouncing breasts and swaying posterior exercises were the bread and butter of an army of choreographers.

The year was 1994. I was 15, high on Shilpa Shirodkar’s assets (yes, the actress in the video). She used to turn me on every time she jumped on that window and shillyshally-ed her tush. Akshay Kumar used to be hairy during those days. He was trying to take over Anil Kapoor but his growth was not even 10% of the minimum required KL (Kapoor Limit) because you could still see his body parts other than his head. To reach KL, it was mandatory to look like a head floating in air in a dark room. Back to Shilpa Shirodkar. There was something very seductive in her moves. Although now when I see the song, I wonder how the house was able to stand the earthquake she unleashed or how Akshay did not end up with multiple fractures.

The incident happened in the summer of 94. One of our neighbours left her three year old daughter, Kittu, in our house for a few hours. I played with Kittu. I really tried. I banged her balloon on her head, beheaded her doll, squeezed the doll to produce a sound from the whistle in her foot, asked Kittu to go on and eat her doll’s hair and stuff like that. Seeing me so lovingly take care of the little girl, mom went to take a bath after a while. I was dead bored playing with a girl 5 times younger to me and thus switched on the television. After flipping through a few channels, I came across Shilpa trampling Akshay and decided to enjoy the song. I had no idea that Kittu will be absorbing the spectacle like a sponge.

To my utter respite, Kittu’s mother arrived in the evening. As she plonked on the sofa, Kittu ran towards her. She suddenly stopped a foot away from her mother, took the corner of her skirt between her tiny fingers and to my horror, started singing the song she had so silently watched.

“Mast mahina bada kamina, rimzzzzim hai barrrrrrrrrsaat

Kamina kamina bada zzzza mahina”

My eyes popped out and bounced on the floor. I turned into water and splashed on the ground. The Earth cracked open and I was going in. Mom looked at me and narrowed her eyes to invisible slits. Kittu’s mother was speechless. I could hear her scream in her mind – Hai! Hai! What have the Sharmas done to my daughter? This is what they teach their children?

“Ye tu kya ga rahi hai?!?! (What the hell are you singing?),” she asked Kittu when she was able to get back her voice.

But Kittu was somewhere else. She was rotating holding her skirt and kept singing – “Kamina Kamina, bada zzzza mahina!” She was in a trance, stuck in the song and refused to come out of it. Aunty finally picked up a rotating Kittu and left.

Now when I think about it, it was such a different world back then. Now parents allow their children to dance to all sort of raunchy numbers and ‘Kamina Mahina’ sounds like a nursery rhyme. I also realized that children have an immense observation power. They might be sitting harmlessly in a corner but that brain of theirs is always working like an intrinsic clock. Parents who take their children to Adults only movies have no idea what they are subjecting their children to and you can find plenty of such brainless parents in India.

Unfortunately, my mother had a similar realisation that her son was being subjected to too much of Shilpas and Mamta Kulkarnis and she started keeping an eye on me. My dates with Shilpa were over.

Kittu, wherever you are right now, I forgive you with all my heart.

p.s. Akshay Kumar plays a very unique mutant in the movie. His body produces vests. Watch closely as Shilpa dances around him. He takes off his shirt, then the vest. Shilpa hangs on a semi-naked Akshay like a monkey on a branch of a tree. Then he wears his shirt again (no vest this time). After some time, he takes off his shirt again (!!!), and viola! He is wearing a vest beneath it. So there. Mutant theory hence proved.

Excerpts from Sambha’s diary – II

Read Part One here – Excerpts from Sambha’s diary – I

in March you egoistic fool!!!!

10 March, 1976

Dear Diary,

Gabbar can be really stupid at times. It was July when he decided to attack Ramgarh during Holi. Holi is celebrated in March! By the time the fool realized that he should have said Diwali instead of Holi, the words had left his mouth. Now Gabbar has this huge ego problem and he hates to correct himself in front of the whole gang. Result – We had to wait for 9 months to attack Ramgarh. Can you fuc*ing believe that? I went back to sulk on the rock.

12 March, 1976

Dear Diary,

We attacked the village today. Much before we reached Ramgarh and started firing shots in the air, almost everyone knew that Gabbar was coming because he had not taken a bath from the last 5 months. And the fool was talking about a clandestine entry! I saw Jai and Veeru for the first time. We had them but that bloody Basanti Dhanno-ed in and they got away. That girl is so irritating. The man who marries her will die of exploding eardrums. Anyways, it seems that there was some tension between the hired help and Thakur. I guess they do not know that he is hand-less. You have to be really blind to be with someone 24X7 and not know that.

13 March, 1976

Dear Diary,

Gabbar is royally pissed off. He has been screaming all day and beating us up. For the first time, I am thankful that I sit on a high rock. The gang is really unstable right now. When he had Jai and Veeru on gunpoint during Holi, Gabbar would have shot them. But the moron had to display histrionics and say his dialogues. He ended up with sand in his eyes. Serves him well.

p.s. We are having a secret meeting tonight sans Gabbar.

17 March, 1976

Dear Diary,

We have decided in the secret meeting that we cannot tolerate duffer Gabbar anymore. If Jai and Veeru do not kill him in a month, we will. Today he killed a boy from the village called Ahmed and sent his body back to his blind father who went – ‘Itna Sannata kyun hai bhai? (Why the silence)’ – after the whole village went statue on seeing the dead body. Gabbar did not shoot Ahmed. He just pulled Ahmed towards him, opened his mouth and blew air from his not-brushed-or-rinsed-since-eternity mouth just like those Colgate adverts. Ahmed clutched his own throat and died of suffocation.

23 March, 1976

Dear Diary,

Yay!Yay!Yay! We captured Basanti and Veeru today. Veeru was tied to some random pillars and Basanti was ordered to dance. It is after such a long time since a woman has danced amongst us (Helen did that last August) but Gabbar did not allow anyone to touch her. Sigh! This guy should be covered up with a blanket and beaten to unconsciousness. Veeru kept saying – Inn Kutton ke aage mat naach Basanti (Don’t dance in front of these dogs!) but then Gabbar told her that if she stops thiraking (dancing), Verru will die. It was a bit inhuman. He should have allowed her to take water breaks.

Yoonki…ab Gabbar ke samne dance-ne ka mauka baar baar to nahi milta aur Veeru bhi yaha hai. Ab dekhne wali baat ye hai ke aisa mauka Basanti haath se kaise jane de sakti hai kyunki shaadi to usse Veeru se hi karni hai. Aur dekhne wali baat ye hai ke Jai bhi to aata hi hoga. Grrrrrrrr

But then Jai came and everyone started firing at everyone. I tell you, it was such mayhem that it was a perfect chance to let a bullet into Gabbar’s skull by mistake. Anyways, Jai saved Basanti and Veeru and asked them to bring help and the bloody idiot jumped on a bomb and blew off the bridge.

Everyone arrived before the police and Gabbar got a nice thrashing from Veeru. We were all cheering him. Good riddance! Then Thakur came with his super cool spiky shoes and started mincing Gabbar. The sight filled me with such pleasure that I had tears in my eyes. But when he was going to hit him really hard and finish him off, that annoying, nose pokey police officer came and rambled on and on about not taking Kanoon (law) in your hands.

‘Motherf#$%$%#$@#!#!@#!@## Policeman!!,” I cussed louder than I had wished and everyone stared at me.

Yes! Yes! Give it to him! Ohhhhhh God yesssss Thakur!! Kill the idiot!

17 July, 1976

Dear Diary,

Today was the first day in jail. The first thing they did was to scrub and wash Gabbar after a constable fainted. They shaved him as well – head to chin. I could not recognize him at all. The lice have abandoned the planet as his head is now like a drought hit desert. His breath smells of mint and there is a breeze every time he speaks. He looks like a lost lamb now. Sometimes I feel sorry for him.

23 July, 1976

Dear Diary,

My arse is going mulayam (soft). I miss my rock.

[images from 1,2,3]

Excerpts from Sambha’s diary – I

Sambha perched on his rock

12 June, 1975

Dear Diary,

I have never liked Gabbar. He is filthy, does not brush his teeth and scares the bejesus out of me with his ridiculous laughter. There are times when I almost fall off the rock I sit on because he scares the shit out of me by laughing at such inappropriate times. I do not know why he has perched me on the highest rock overlooking the road to the village. Even if the police comes, they will blow the siren so loudly that it will wake up the dead. So what is the point? I feel like an idiot sitting on my ass and cleaning my rifle all day.

15 June, 1975

Dear Diary,

I do not remember the last time Gabbar cleaned his shirt. I can tell from a mile that he is approaching because of the stench that precedes him. I sometimes wonder why he needs a gang at all. He can just walk into Ramgarh and half the cattle will die instantly by the poisonous gases coming out of him and the villagers will give him anything to save the rest of the cattle. His horse goes crazy when he approaches to sit on him. The poor animal might jump off a cliff with Gabbar to finish this torture once and for all.

I wish we had perfumes and deodorants here. Even the trees are dying of suffocation.

18 June, 1975

Dear Diary,

We collected food from Ramgarh yesterday. Thakur did all his usual hanky-panky but no one cared. He is such a sorry figure ever since Gabbar chopped off his hands like carrots. Gabbar did that so neatly that I am sure there is a chef lurking in that lice infected head of his. And Thakur really needs to get loose Kurtas. *I know we are in a movie and his hands are actually not cut but he wears such skin tight kurtas that I can see his hands bulging out.*

22 June, 1975

Dear Diary,

We were so bored today. I climbed up on my rock, cleaned it with water and sat there like a hen on an enormous egg. It was very hot. Then Gabbar called me down and asked me to kill the lice in his head. So we sat like two monkeys while I plucked out and killed 46 lice from his head. Can you bloody believe that? The guy is a walking lice planet. I really wish he shaves off his beard before the lice migrate there and I kill him with my own hands. And thankfully, he took a bath yesterday after three months. That is how I am alive and writing my diary.

Gabbar was amused when I showed him all the 46 dead bodies

29 June, 1975

Dear Diary,

I can never understand why we do not have women in our camp. Dacoits in all other movies abduct and rape women but Gabbar makes us behave as if we have taken an oath to die virgins. Sometimes I feel really lonely when I see so many ugly men around me. I will wait for a good opportunity and request Gabbar to hire Helen to do a dance number for us.

1 July, 1975

Dear Diary,

One of the perks of sitting on the highest rock is that you can pee where you are sitting and no one will notice. The liquid will silently slide down the rock like a tributary into a bush. Gabbar called a meeting today. He had his belt in his hand which basically means – I will holler and you will listen. There are rumors of Thakur hiring two men to kill Gabbar. He laughed out so loud that one of the rocks cracked and fell off. One of my eardrums went numb. He has asked us to keep an eye on Ramgarh and to make a point of his notoriety, he asked me for the nth time in front of the whole gang – Arrreeee O Sambha, Kitna inaam rekhe hain sarkaar hum pe? (How much is the cash prize on my head?)

‘Pure pachhhas hajar (50,000 Rs completely),’ I replied, as if the asho*e is going to remember it. He is such a drama queen.

10 July, 1975

Dear Diary,

Today Kalia and two more comrades from the gang went to Ramgarh to collect more grains. They came back empty handed and told Gabbar that Thakur has sent a message that – Ramgarh waalon ne paagal kutton ke saamne roti daalna band kar diya hai (The people of Ramgarh have stopped providing chapaties to mad dogs). Gabbar was so angry that he was frothing at his mouth. He called Kalia – Suuar ke Bacche (Son of Pig), which really confused Kalia because he was now not sure whether he was supposed to be a dog or a pig. Then the drama queen went through all that stage act of – Kitne aadmi the (How many men were there) and all that crap and then a game with bullets and guns. I have seen this happen before so I was yawning by the time he killed all three of them.

Kalia’s soul must be really happy because he told me two day ago that he was really frustrated with the way things stood in our gang. He was assigned to dig potty pits and all such dirty work and Gabbar was not rotating him with someone else. Gabbar completely lacks managerial skills.

15 July, 1975

Dear Diary,

Gabbar says we are going to attack Ramgarh on Holi. I am happy not because we will finally get some exercise but because the villagers might throw some water at him. He is stinking again. I am happy with the exercise bit too because my arse is so hard sitting on that rock all day that I cracked open walnuts by hitting them on my butt today.

To be continued….

[images from 1,2]

Barfi

There is this scene in The Matrix Revolutions where Neo and Trinity are flying towards the machine city and are attacked by squid-like machines. Neo tries to destroy them but their number is too huge. He asks Trinity to fly towards the sky.  As the ship tears through the permanent dense dark clouds, Trinity sees the sun for the first time in her life, shimmering over the clouds. She says – It’s beautiful – and the look on her face is of peace, as if she is not scared of dying anymore.

Barfi is like that warm sun. It reminds us of that rare feeling which we have forgotten to attach with Bollywood – elation. I will not put any spoilers in this post because like wine, this movie has to be smelled and savored. Like wine placed in your mouth, it has to be placed in your thoughts and mulled over.

It is a story of a deaf and dumb boy who was named Murphy by his mother but it came out distorted from his own mouth, so Barfi it was. He is a strange boy who cuts electric polls to test friendship, who eat chocolates from the hand of a kid sitting in a train in Darjeeling while  he cycles holding a window pane of the bogie, who throws his shoe in the air to search for Jhilmil, who dances without knowing what music is, who propose to Shruti and reverses the arms of the clock to make her forget everything. Shruti comes in his life with her own baggage of apprehensions and to make matters worse, borrows a few from her mother. She ends up folding pictures and imagining her present. Jhilmil is autistic and circumstances lead her to spend a few months with Barfi, creating a bond that lasts beyond their disadvantages.

The movie is a case of cinematic brilliance. Every frame is like poetry and they melt seamlessly into each other. Whether it is the toy train in Darjeeling which is a character in itself or the upside down Howrah Bridge or the fireflies caged in a soap balloon or the game of reflecting sunlight from a mirror or the Chhau dance which makes Jhilmil jump with joy, every scene is a well thought out treat to watch.

What differentiates this movie from the crap we get nowadays is that the humor is not over the top but derived from everyday situations of the characters. There are scenes like Barfi wearing a Chhau dance mask and pulling a rickshaw with Jhilmil in it which will make you laugh. It is the simplicity which touches you in the end. You will be relieved that you still have the ability to smile and shake your head on humor so grounded.

Ranbir and Priyanka hardly have any dialogues in the whole movie but you never feel the absence of words. Both of them are a treat to watch, especially Priyanka. It is an achievement when the actors make you forget that you are watching a movie, when you forget the baggage which comes with stars. Ileana D’cruz, who plays Shruti is surprisingly poised and holds her ground. Saurabh Shukla as the police officer who has a love-hate relationship with Barfi is hilarious and raised quite a few laughs. I wish Barfi’s affinity towards his father was explored in more details.

The movie could have fallen flat because of the absence of dialogues but the mesmerizing background score holds the script together and so does the music by Pritam. Although the movie falters a bit after the interval but comes on track soon afterwards.

After watching Agent Vinod, Ek That Tiger and Raaz 3, this movie was godsend. This has been a sunny year for Bollywood with sensible movies like Paan Singh Tomar, Kahani, Vicky Donor and Barfi releasing in quick succession. Let us hope that better sense prevails and we see more quality movies this year and also that the numerous awards give recognition to talent rather than crappy money-minded cinema.

Thank you Anurag Basu for all the goosebumps and making me believe that Bollywood has not lost the knack.

Go and relish this masterpiece. It comes once in a blue moon.

[images from 1,2, 3]

The third Raaz of making Garbage

Let me categorically state that I had no intentions of writing about Raaz 3 but the movie was so downright stupid that how could I let go of a chance to butcher it with my bare hands?

*This post is not full of spoilers but is one big spoiler*

So, the movie begins with a top Bollywood actress cheekily called Shanaya (Bipasha Basu) desperate to get an award as she thinks she is falling behind in the race as new young and fresh actresses like Sanjana (Esha Gupta) are replacing her. She goes to astrologers and Babas and recites ‘Gayatri Mantra’ before opening the door of her car in the award function.

[Aren’t there around 163 award functions every year in Bollywood? If Shanaya could not get even one of them, maybe it was  time to quit?]

Shanaya also have this problem with Sanjana because they are step sisters with a common father. The paparazzi and the rest of the world is blissfully unaware of this fact. Aditya (Emraan Hashmi) is a successful director (!!) and gets awards too (!!!!!!!!!). Shanaya of course does not win and the award goes to – guess who – Sanjana. As Shanaya stomps out of the venue, an old servant of her (who is stalking her and lurking on the red carpet) gets all sentimental and asks her to visit a ghost who lives in a small pond inside a chawl (!). Shanaya meets the ghost, who has covered the entrance to all the temples of the chawl with black cloth so that the Gods do not disturb him and who is in the mood for philanthropy and agrees to help her. He gives her some water and asks her to give a few drops to Sanjana every day.

[Why will a ghost do black magic instead of simply scaring the shit out of Sanjana himself is a mystery]

Shanaya plants Aditya at Sanjana’s house after copulating with him and irritating him so much with her passionless kisses that he agrees to help just to get rid of her tongue cleaning his face again and again.

This is my happy face!! Now I will finally have my revenge!

Sanjana stays alone with her maid and sleeps with all the doors and windows of her house open and has a photograph of a Joker scaring her when she was a child on one of the living room walls. Weird girl! As she unknowingly drinks the black magic-ed water everyday she starts screaming and running with such alarming frequency that the audience starts laughing instead of sympathizing with her.

 – There are televisions turning on and worm infested hands coming out of them.

– Her maid dies by stabbing herself with gigantic shards of glasses and then as if that was not enough to kill her, she hangs herself from the fan and switches it on.

– Then there are cockroaches coming out of the wash basins and carry out a coordinated attack on Sanjana during a party. Sanjana, dumb as she is, is not able to locate the bathroom door and ends up removing all her clothes to get rid of all the cockroaches who are now trying to get inside her from every possible opening in her body. Finally when she has taken off everything, she is able to locate the bathroom door and runs out naked in the party, gets on a table and slaps her butt numerous times, much to the amusement of the guests and the paparazzi.

Busy screaming eh? The door is right behind you.

– In another incident, Sanjana enters an empty shooting studio. Now instead of smelling something fishy and running out immediately, she ventures inside and finds a Joker running after her and scaring her to death. After she is scared enough, she finds the door.

Sanjana decides to take the help of a Baba types who sends his disciple into the world of the dead by making him sit in a graveyard/morgue and tying his wrist to Sanjana’s by a thread and mouthing a clichéd ‘Om Him Cream Chamundaay Viche’. This is like an anthem to communicate with ghosts and you will find it in all horror movies. The disciple ends up being decapitated with a shocked expression on his face. Sanjana goes crazy with horror and is calmed down by a sudden thrust of the infamous Hashmi tongue in her mouth. Even though she has just seen a man’s head fly off from his body, sex soothes her. Jab Hashmi Kare Pyaar, to koi kaise kare inkaar? (When Hashmi says go baby go, then how can the baby say no no no?).

Kiss me!! Kiss me!!! I just saw a headless body!

So Aditya falls in love with Sanjana, which pisses off Shanaya so much that she goes ahead and has sex with the worm infested ghost who promises to kill Sanjana for her. The ghost reaches the hospital and turns into a centipede and gets inside Sajana’s brain. Sanjana goes into coma and the doctor says that she won’t survive the night.

[Now if the ghost was bloody capable of doing this, why the hell did he waste my time by doing that water drops drama? Hrrrmph!]

So, our brave hero goes into the world of the dead to save Sanjana from the ghost. Bollywood finds its first doctor that believes in ghosts and he takes the hero to the morgue which is the perfect place to go in the world of the dead. The Baba types rub some gangajal on Aditya’s wrists (which he had conveniently forgotten in the case of his own disciple)  and gives him some superpowers. Our hero kills the ghost (it was a cakewalk) by just punching him with his gangajal soaked hands and finally by landing an axe on his head which he borrows from a Ganpati statue in the Ghost world! He also injures Shanaya in the process because she is now one with the Ghost after riding him. While our hero is beating the shit out of the ghost, Shanaya too is flying like Harry Potter and banging on walls in the real world.

In the end, Shanaya puts acid on herself and goes pitter-patter-splutter-hissssss and you are left wondering that why the hell didn’t she do that in the beginning of the movie when she didn’t get that godforsaken award?

The movie had loads of ‘Did you know’ moments like :

  • Ghosts can be stupid.
  • Bipasha’s thighs are huge. Like really huge. Just like those four pillars of the Taj Mahal.
  • You can use the swearword ‘chutiyapa’ in front of two women in a fit of anger even if you are a sophisticated director.
  • Doctors can believe in ghosts.
  • Ghosts can be horny and you can have sex with a ghost whose body looks as if he was burnt for dowry and has worms slithering all over him.
  • Ghosts can lift objects with their hands and even make calls by public telephones.
  • Having sex will make you forget about a headless body.
  • When scared, a woman can never find a door out of a room because she is busy screaming.
  • The world of the dead is as shabby as ours.
  • Kutta aur baccha pyar ke bhookhe hote hain (A dog and a child are hungry for love). *Who wrote this shit?!?*

After the numbness left my brain and after much pondering, I decided that Raaz 3 was THE worst movie I have seen in a theater. Ever. I had to come back home and watch Sophie’s Choice to calm my brain.

[Images from 1,2,3,4]

Open letter to the Indian film industry

Dear Indian Film Industry (IFI),

I am writing this letter with a heavy heart. There was a time when I loved you like crazy. Now all I feel is apathy. There are times when you still overwhelm me, but such times are like those solar eclipses. Rare.

IFI,

Consider this scenario – The city is taken over by zombies. They are killing humans and terrifying them. The humans are on the run, stuffing themselves in whatever holes they could find. Over time, the humans create barricades making it more and more difficult for the zombies to find a prey. Then one fine day as the zombies are sitting and twiddling their fingers, a human zombie supporter (who thinks zombies are the messengers of God and sent to make humans pay for their sins) opens up a cinema hall for them. The tickets are sold in minutes. The zombies fill the theatre and guess which movie is playing there?

A Zombie movie!

The zombies watch the movie with enthusiasm and go back out with greater vigour to hunt as many humans as possible. The zombie supporter is happy.

Now replace the zombie with an average perverted Indian male who has a brain development of a two year old Neanderthal and who goes into a theatre to watch an Indian movie where women are either objectified to glory or where Indian culture begins at one end of a sari and ends at the other. The already deranged pervert is deranged further. His misplaced cultural values are further misplaced; his firm belief that women need to be tamed like an animal is further strengthened.

IFI,

What do you think about these scenarios and the impact they leave?

  • Rahul and Anjali are college chums. Anjali is tomboyish and so Rahul never loves her but finds another seductive girl. Years later when God plunks the seductive girl off the planet, Rahul and Anjali meet again. Anjali has transformed into a Bhartiya Nari (true blue pastel colours sari woman who loves children). In the end, it takes the flurry of a sari by the pagli pawan (crazy winds) and the accidental display of Anjali’s blouse concealing that part of her anatomy of which Rahul was always unaware of, which makes Rahul discover the Indian woman in her, the woman whom he could love and dance with in rain.
  • There have always been Item numbers ever since Helen was discovered with extra long feathers on her head and back but nowadays if you leave all the leading ladies of Bollywood in a room and tell them that one of them will get to perform an item number in Salman Khan’s next movie, you will find loads of organs to be donated in 30 minutes and a majority of them will be eyes. Item numbers are the best way to parade women as objects. The filmmaker makes money and perverts get the kick to go out and fondle a woman after seeing an ‘item’ hanging from a rope amongst a horde of men trying to catch her skirt on the screen.
  • Veronica is a bitch. She goes to pubs, have sex with random men but she is lonely and has no good friends. Our Hero flirts with her, beds her and they are cool with their fun relationship. Enters Meera, the perfect Indian woman, and our hero falls in love with her. Girls like Veronica are just there to have fun. When Hero’s Mom arrives, he had to display Meera like a trophy because that is what every Indian mother wants – a daughter-in-law dipped in our creamy culture, ready to be devoured. The Hero wants this too because our rich culture is rooted somewhere deep in his ankle.
  • Adding more to Veronica – she goes to pubs and leads her life on her terms. And she is shown in a negative light. The director throws her at the audience like we throw a bone towards a dog and we lap her up. She gives us the psychological nutrition to believe that our culture still shuns girls who ape the west. Remember, we live in a country where we justify molestation of a girl who goes to a pub. In 2012. Veronica had to wear a salwaar-kameez finally in the hope that Maa would accept her. And Oh! it’s all right for our hero to ape the west. He can womanize and drink as much as he wants.
  • The actress have to flutter her eyes, bite her lower lip, sway her body, bite her index finger between her teeth and pinch the index finger on her left hand with the thumb and index finger on her right hand when our Hero is around. I understand blushing but this induces nothing but the strongest urge to *face palm*.

I am not entirely blaming our film industry for the way women are treated in our society and for our medieval mindset. That will be like blaming Pranab Mukherjee for replacing Pratibha Patil as the brand ambassador of SOTC. But he did play a part, no matter how minuscule. Our society is heavily influenced by movies and the biggest movie industry in the world should try to find ways to change the mindset of the society, not to make profits out of it. Showing women as ‘items’ and portraying any deviation from an ideal Indian woman as black are subtle dangerous projections which helps in strengthening the way women are treated in India.

It will not be correct to say that the Indian film industry hasn’t changed over the years. There has been a radical change in how we portray women in our movies by giving them positively bold roles instead of asking them to scream as the hero beats the villain to a pulp, all thanks to the new breed of responsible directors. But there is a darker end of the spectrum as well. In a bid to make money, the mainstream cinema has severely started objectifying women with an equal ferocity. The number of item numbers served every year is now more than the number of train accidents that happen in India.

IFI,

In a nation which is as tasteless without its sexually oppressing Patriarchal society as Maggi noodles is without its special masala, is it so hard to understand the repercussions of an actress picking up her sari, doing pelvic thrusts and heaving her breasts simultaneously in front of perverts who then go out and look at every woman in the same light? Who then take every girl who goes to a pub as ‘available’ and someone who will enjoy the touch of any Changu Mangu? Who then go out and search for an ideal virgin Indian woman acceptable to his family, no matter that he lost his own virginity years ago? Is it so difficult to understand that an alarmingly huge population of India is not mentally capable of enjoying such a form of cinematic entertainment without obvious consequences?

No, it is not difficult. You just have to look beyond money.

Crestfallenly yours,

Once a fan.

Dirty picture is dirty after all

That is all you will get to see after 57 cuts.

The opening scene of The Dirty Picture shows a rustic Silk Smitha moaning in her room trying to distract a couple who is having sex in the next room. As I settled comfortably on my seat in the cinema hall enjoying the moaning overlapping with my wife’s laughter, I heard another voice – a crying child. At first I thought it’s a woman screaming at her husband but then a second later, a pair of toddlers swooshed past me playing on the stairs of the cinema hall. Considering the fact that the movie had an Adult only certificate, there were a lot of children in the theatre. It seems that Indian parents have taken up sex education very seriously and the cinema owners were fully supporting them by royally flaunting the rules.

That is why, when I&B ministry decided to stop the prime time telecast of the movie, it was unscrambling scrambled eggs. If the I&B ministry wanted to save the parents from embarrassment, maybe stopping the news channels from using the word “Porn” while telecasting the sham that happened in the Karnataka assembly would have been the right step.

Another point to moan in the whole episode is that the movie won three National Awards and still was banned to be shown in prime time. It’s like the French draping the statue of Venus with a cloth in the Louvre and justifying it with the following statement – “We know it’s a masterpiece but we can’t show her naked breasts to children.”

How dare you call me a naked woman? I am a masterpiece!

I am not completely blaming I&B ministry for this. The ministry apparently received a lot of calls from concerned parents about the effect the movie will have on their children. Haven’t the parents heard of a remote control? And how much of the objectionable content of the movie will be left after 59 cuts? Did the parents understand the meaning of a UA certificate and the fact that the Censor Board approved the movie after the cuts? Maybe instead of sexually oppressing their children, such parents should talk to them about the topic. They will be surprised to know that their children can teach them a thing or two.

I grew up watching Baywatch and Santa Barbara with my grandparents and came out all right.  I do not eve tease; I am not a rapist and have a comfortable job. Although my parents did not want me to see Pamela running on the beach wobbling her assets and reprimanded my grandparents for making me sexually active well before my age (which is not true I think), all they could elicit was an amusing tsk-tsk from my grandma. She found my parents very old fashioned. It’s just a bloody kissing scene, she would say at times.

Sometimes I wonder if there is an entire spectrum of parents in India. The liberal who take their children to watch Delhi Belly, The Dirty Picture and Vicky Donor and the conservatives who have loads of time on their hand to file a PIL against Dirty Picture being shown on prime time after 59 cuts. I am sure the latter group would turn a beetroot red every time they view an advert for sanitary napkins and condoms in front of their children.

The point being that the more a child is hushed into not watching something, the more curious he gets. If you do not give him any answers, he will find them from somewhere else, sometimes contorted ones. I am not asking the parents to send their children to strip clubs but running towards your child with a blanket to cover him up every time you see Imran Hashmi on screen will not help either. You will end up with a lot of holes in your blanket.

And please do not talk about culture and values. I am sure parents will instill more values in their children if they do not spit on roads, do not litter and do not jump signals in front of their children. Installing values is making the children aware of the various evil practices rampant in our great nation. And culture is nothing but a controlling stick. The brittle it gets, the better.

And, yes, The Dirty Picture is available for 20 Rs in a lot of markets in India. I am quite sure most of the children can afford it.

[images from 1,2,3]