The assassin who tried to kill my family

assassin

Image from here

I am one of the few blessed people who live in a city away from their relatives. Less noses in my affairs. Less Gyan. Less plastic smiles. More peace of mind.

So when a relative is about to come to our house, it creates a frenzy equalling that of cyclone Phalin. I must admit that the frequency has reduced after the death of my grandparents but there was a time when there were regular visitors. It was one such visitor whom I remember very clearly. He was the guy who tried to kill my family. Β The assassin.

This assassin was a cousin of my grandma. He was from the hills. He was rotund, had pink cheeks that were dropping off his face because of old age. His eyes were sharp and always scanning everyone in the vicinity, as if trying to find avenues in case he had to escape. His voice was muffled, as if he was standing behind layers of cotton. He never brought gifts for us children but always hugged us whenever he came, swathing us with smells of trees and his unwashed underarms. He would sit for hours with my grandma talking in their local language, sometimes laughing his terrifying laugh. His laugh always reminded me of a serial killer who while trying a dress made of the skin of his victims realized that the dress fits him perfectly.

Grandma was very fond of him. She had no idea that he tried to kill us every time he visited. Every single time.

I distinctly remember the first time he tried to murder me. I was sleeping and suddenly there was this deafening roar that shook me out of my slumber. For a second I thought that a gang of lions have attacked our apartment. My heart was in my mouth when I heard the roar again. I sat up hurriedly torn between screaming and hiding under my bed. Then a third roar happened. A thin crack appeared in the ceiling. It was as if the house was unable to stand the vibrations. I gathered courage and got off my bed. I reached the adjacent room where the assassin was sleeping. I was at the door when another roar brought a warm gust of wind towards my face, leaving my hair in an upheaval. I almost choked at the moist wind smelling of a mixture of chicken curry and bad breath. The roar happened again and I saw the windowpanes vibrate and the ceiling fan sway. I was terrified that the house will not be able to withstand the strain of such powerful snoring. Soon, I realized that my whole family was up, confused and shocked. My grandfather almost had a heart attack. Our hearts were in our mouth. We were so close to our deaths. Eventually, mother stuffed some cotton in my ears to ease the suffering but I was not able to sleep.

In the morning, the assassin tried to kill me again.

There was just one loo in our house back then. I was desperately in a need to use it but the assassin was taking his own sweet time. Maybe he was skinning a rat alive. Its not that we had rats in our house but he might be carrying one from the hills to play with it before slaughtering it. Finally, the door opened and he came out. I rushed inside and locked the door. What followed was the stuff hell must be made of. Even though the assassin had the good sense to flush, the loo reeked of such unimaginable smells that I choked for a good five minutes before I decided to stop breathing. I opened the window but the smells were not leaving. I eventually pushed my mouth towards the open window and took a lungful of breath because I was in a danger of turning blue and collapsing. It took me a good fifteen minutes to save myself from this lethal attack of the assassin, during which I completely forgot the real reason for which I entered the gas chamber.

It was not just me, every member of my family who had the misfortune of entering the death room after the assassin met the same fate. They came out wide eyed, clutching their throats, panting like a man with a fish bone stuck in his throat.

We were all terrified. We huddled together night after night, morning after morning, trying to survive the attacks. Thankfully, none of my family members died of choking or heart attacks but the assassin left no stone unturned as he tried to wipe us off the planet.

He visited us again and again, year after year. Everytime the news of his arrival was shared by grandma, we all sent a silent prayer towards the almighty. Mom used to run towards the small temple in our house and pray for the survival of our family. His visits dwindled after my grandma passed away and now I haven’t seen him in years.

Even now I shudder when I think of those terrifying days where my family was attacked mercilessly. We survived the odds. The trauma brought us together, binding us in neverending love.

I am proud of that time when all of us held hands together and fought the assassin. The assassin who tried to kill MY FAMILY.

66 comments on “The assassin who tried to kill my family

  1. Chemical warfare huh, it is good that your family rallied together and fought this air pollution menace πŸ˜€ Hilarious post πŸ˜€

  2. Oh, dear! Oh, poor dear! I am shocked to realise how narrowly we missed this amazing space here called Mashed Musings! Yet, I can identify with your predicament. You have robed a common enough catastrophe in your trademark humour.

    • I know! It was a terrible time for the family. The roars were the ones I was really scared of. Even today, I sometimes wake up sweating because of nightmares of him sleeping next to me on my bed.

  3. Well, I am not sure what I feel about this one, Amit. I mean, there are people we have to adjust with in our lives.. so many things… and sometimes, the adjusting takes all of our patience and determination..! This came across as a bit of an exaggeration.. with due respect to your feelings.. I actually tried to see where anyone was getting murdered. πŸ™‚

  4. When I started reading I assumed it to be a serious social satire but could guess where it was going afterwards as we have had similar experiences with a guest of our family, my grandmother’s sister. She & my grandma snored in unison, sometimes in an alternate rhythm stealing my sleep & peace. About the loo experiences, less said the better! This reminded me of the film Atithi Kab Jaoge!

    • It is a social menace. It makes me sad to think of families that have gone through similar pain. I pray for them. πŸ™‚
      I haven’t seen that movie but I know it had Paresh and Ajay.

  5. Sounds like a totally lethal character! I wonder why the TV serial folks haven’t incorporated someone like him in their storylines yet. It must be because they can’t find an actor who could convey such terror!

  6. And what about the fact that your family was trying to kill him on his visits by feeding him gassy foods? And heavy oily dinners that gave him deep sonorous slumbers? Ha!

  7. ARGH! Know what you mean. We had an extended stay from one such who would poop around the toilet bowl and not even wash…

    Excuse me just had to throw up.

  8. lol!!!! I could actually feel your plight on that bomb thing!!!! Yuck!!! Yuck & more yuck!!! Reminds me of Paresh Rawal in Atithi tum Kab jaaoge πŸ˜€

    P.S. I confronted my IT Team and got your blog unblocked πŸ˜€

  9. HAHAHHA…..that is a true Amit style post….hehhe…when you said roar, I thought he was laughing, at first πŸ™‚ we had a friend who snored loudddd when we went to a trip…so all of us ganged up on him and made him sleep in the kids’ room…:p

  10. Now, I should tell my son..a.k.a your fan to read this and gawdddd…no…I won’t…he will make it viral and he will get detention..lol

    • Latha,
      This uncle actually snored like a lion. I think they might have used him as a dubbing artist in Discovery Channel and no one would have noticed.
      Haha! Keep it away from your son. At least for the time being. πŸ™‚

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