How to survive a pregnant wife

A wise man once said that pregnancy brings out the animal in a woman. I don’t exactly remember who said that but I think it was me. It is also said that pregnancy is the most wonderful period for a woman but whoever said that must have been Justin Bieber. You can mildly compare a pregnant woman with a werewolf. Bring out that full moon of empathy/sympathy/apathy and you might be mauled in unimaginable ways. Those nine months are a litmus tests of patience for not only a lady but her husband as well.  Especially the husband. His situation is similar to a walk on burning coals. But let me not put the whole nine months in a single bracket because there are blissful times as well, like seeing your wife turn into Pamela Anderson.

First Trimester (first 3 months) – The vomit generator

After the initial euphoria of witnessing two red lines on the pregnancy test kit dies, the arduous journey begins. Your wife will turn into a recycling machine. Anything that goes inside her will come out in mashed form. Sometimes food and medicine will come out in exactly the same form as they went inside. So don’t be surprised if you see a crisp samosa lying in your wash basin one fine morning.

Husbands should try to avoid making any remarks in this duration if they do not want to be karate chopped. Here are a few sample conversations you should never make while your wife is producing hot dimsums.

Husband – I know what you are going through.

Wife – Do you now?!? *Dimsum 1* Believe me you have no *Dimsum 2* bloody idea so stop pretending *Dimsum 3*. Go away before I *Dimsum 4* kill you.

Husband – *does the mistake of patting her wife’s back while she is hovering over the washbasin*

Wife – Don’t touch me, you sex maniac. This is all your fault. You have had your fun. Now sit back and enjoy the next nine months.

Husband – This will be soon over. Every pregnant woman goes through this. You will be Ok.

*Big fuc*ing mistake*

The guy ends up with a broken neck.

The best approach during the first three months will be to hug her cautiously when you think she will not split you into two. Such occasions will be rare but they will be there.

Second Trimester (months 4-6) – Pamela Anderson

Your wife will start looking like those clandestine celebrities in this duration. The tummy will start showing in the 5th or 6th month but it will not be prominent in comparison to her other *ahem*. If you are one of those few unlucky souls, she will carry her first trimester problems in this trimester also. Most women don’t. You should be prepared for some extra shopping as it will appear that the last time your wife shopped was when she was in kindergarten. Nothing will fit her. Her bra size will horrify her. She will buy extra large everything with immense sadness.

During this trimester, the husband should be credit card ready. One tiny sound of rebellion and he might be flying out of Pantaloons. He will be reminded that this photoshop-ish distortion of the wife’s anatomy is all his mistake and now he has to ‘pay’ for it. It will not matter when the husband tries to reason that he is delirious with joy at the photoshop-ish enlargements.

Third Trimester (months 7-9) – The planet

By the ninth month, your wife would have turned into a planet. She would eat as if an asteroid is going to hit Earth tomorrow and vaporize all the ice-cream shops. Do not be alarmed because there is a baby inside her who needs all that nutrition.

The wife might find it uncomfortable to sleep. There will be instances when she will complain that the baby kicks all the times.

Do not try this at home –  

Husband – It will be soon over darling.

Wife – Yeah? What do you know? Have you ever tried pushing a baby out of you? OH GOD! I AM GOING TO DIE! 

Husband – Oh! Come on! It is not as if you are the first woman to….. *Was not able to complete the sentence because of a kick in the balls*

It will be during this trimester that there will be times when the husband and wife will be freaked out by the fact that another human being is growing inside the wife. It might sound like those alien movies but watching the baby play football as your wife’s tummy heaves like a turbulent ocean will not help. This might sound absurd but try talking to the baby. Make a paper boat and keep it on your wife’s tummy while making ridiculous storm sounds.

The D-Day

It gets worse once the labour pain starts. It is like a full moon night and the husband is under immense danger of being flung out of the window of the hospital building. Husbands should be prepared for all the groaning curses flung at them and take them sportingly. Sentences like –

–          This is all your fault you pathetic bastard. God will never forgive you.

–         Wait till this thing gets out of me! I will put you in the washing machine.

–         Don’t ever think that you will make me go through this again. I will snap your neck at the mere mention.

A husband might be alarmed that his wife has been possessed and needs an exorcist more than a mid-wife but that is not the case. Try to dab away the sweat from your wife’s brow when you think she will not dig her nails in your hand. Be quick about it.

Once the baby is delivered your wife will be back to normal except that now she has turned into Mother Dairy and will be dripping milk all over the house. The husband might feel isolated at this point of time as the Dairy will be open 24X7 for the baby. Try not to sulk. 

Surviving a newborn will be covered in another post.

p.s. Pregnancy is a beautiful time. A couple goes through myriad emotions during those nine months. They forget all the pain when they notice the child moving in the tummy, when they try to figure out the head and the arms in the ultrasound report, when they do shopping for the baby before the grand arrival. If the post has given you any negative concerns, then that is purely your pessimistic imagination.

pregnancy

[image from here]

97 comments on “How to survive a pregnant wife

  1. Superlike……I will be saving this and making the husband read when it’s right time so that he is prepared for the worst…. U have such immense capability to write such funny yet meaningful post… LOL at the samosas n dim sums.

    Btw ask Geet to share her account as well….would be of immense help for scared to be a mom like souls aka me.

    • Thanks oneHonestWriter. 🙂 People have this very rosy picture of those nine months but a couple goes through a hell lot of emotions in that duration.
      Geet did a few of the things I have mentioned here. Thankfully she did not turn violent even though she went through 10 hours of labour pain. 😀

      • 10 hours???? Really? All for normal delivery if I m not wrong haina.? I have seen couples deciding on date and going the Caesarian way to avoid pain as well as uncertainty….

        Hats off to you guys 🙂

        And by Geet’s account I meant the turmoil of emotions she went through, the above account seems more like a would be father’s or the pregnant husband tale 😉

  2. Ji..are you alright now?because Geet just told me that she dipped you in boiling water and took out the moment you clicked the publish button 😛

  3. I know people tell you often that your posts are humourous… buttttt.. I’ve never laughed as much as I did reading this one! The analogies were just awesome.

  4. Oh God I was heaving with laughter on this one. After a long time, a pure delight of a post from you. Having been there and done that for good (Thank God), I must say you are quite accurate. But really, you idiot, what are you cribbing about. You have no clue what a woman endures :).

    • I was worried that the ladies will claw my eyes out for putting everything so bare. 🙂
      I am not cribbing at all. Frankly, we were more worried about any complications to surface during those nine months. It went pretty smooth if I do not considered those massive mood swings. 🙂

      • Mine were pretty uncomplicated too as well, Amit! I watched a movie in the theatre a day before my delivery and was working and taking care of the house in a couple of weeks, always stayed fit! But, it sure is fun poking fun at something we have all been through :).

  5. Lol at shameless torrrent downloader!

    This post is funny! just makes me wonder how to reason with a pregnant wife…a man can say that the labour pain is nothing in front of the pain a guy endures getting kicked in the balls….bu oh! that might invite another kick just there :p

    • I saw my wife in 10 hours of labour pain and it was painful. I would definitely not like her to go through that again.
      Can we really compare kick in the balls with labour pain? Guess we will never find out. 🙂

  6. Your wife may kill you, but rest assured, this document will not die. I will be your apostle, carrying this religious manuscript from house to house, warning all dads-to-be of the truth that my Lord, the prophet Amit has seen with his wondrous vision.
    Forgive us, Lord, for we knew not what we were doing till now !

    • Haha! No, she was all right after reading this. She has done a few of the activities but with a milder tone. 🙂
      I know! I will keep bestowing mankind with my precious pearls of wisdom.

  7. Lol…. Super like ….. Been there done that… Men don’t know what to say, when to say and how to say at all times …

  8. This is so realistically funny. Reminded me of my pregnancy and the clueless expression on my husbands face each time I threw up or cringed in pain. Shared this with family and friends.

    • Haha! It is a clueless situation. After a cold stare, you are no longer sure of what is the right thing to say.
      Thanks for sharing Alka. 🙂

  9. Am sure my hubby would nod his head throughout, that is if he does not fall from his chair and ROFL 🙂 Having gone through this phase recently, I am ready to kick the balls of the person who said “pregnancy is a beautiful thing” (only a man would say that !). Only time I enjoyed my pregnancy was whenever my baby kicked or moved making me wonder again and again at the thought of carrying a life inside me. I was a recycling machine in my 2nd trimester too 😦
    But yet, I still want a second child 🙂 May be the fruit of this labour is too sweet to refuse 🙂

    • //Only time I enjoyed my pregnancy was whenever my baby kicked or moved making me wonder again and again at the thought of carrying a life inside me
      Exactly! The rest of the time was a bit painful to endure. A woman’s body goes through so many changes that it is very uncomfortable at times. I do not remember if Geet ever had a sound sleep during the entire period.
      We will not be having a second child. I don’t think I can afford one. 🙂

  10. Gawdd…I was in fits of laughter…seriously Amit, I have said it many times and saying it again..only you could write such a post out of the weirdest of situations..
    Show this to Geet…now, the baby has come out..even she will laugh
    But you know, more than physical stuff, we women go through a lot of emotional, psychological coaster ride…thank god, I am done for life…heheh…:P
    Give lots of hugs to the little one 🙂

    • Geet read the post with amusement. She thinks that she should have actually done a few of the things like kicking me when I tried a few of those smart one liners. 🙂
      Yes, yes. Lots of hugs to her from you. 🙂

  11. Very funny but informative post. Looking forward to the baby post. I know you know that it is beyond the imagination for men, what a woman goes through during that time and while childbirth. For simulation watch this.

  12. By the mere fact that we have seen this post from you, it is clear that Geet has forgiven you. Now you can put her in the same kind of ordeal in another 2-3 years or so!
    Jokes aside, my best wishes for all the health and success to your baby girl. You both are sure to be awesome parents!

    • Ha! We are not going to have a second child. We are very sure about this.
      Yes, she read the post and gave me a look I am yet to decipher.
      Thank you. I am sure we will be awesome. 😛

  13. Best Wishes to the baby! With your genes, she is going to turn into a bomb-shell pretty soon! 😉 Can’t wait to read about all the mischiefs she puts you through.

    Loved this post! I haven’t been able to read much since I landed here, but this was one hell of a post. I am sure Geet would love it too. Has she read it already? 😉

    • Haha! Lets hope that. 🙂
      It’s Ok. I haven’t read any blog in the last 20 days. I am hardly getting any time to sleep. My whole life has turned upside down. 🙂

  14. Super hilarious Amit especially the kick in the balls on commenting ‘you are not the only woman…..’ that’s the last thing you want to hear at that time 😀

  15. Gosh Amit! You’re a laugh riot!

    “Make a paper boat and keep it on your wife’s tummy while making ridiculous storm sounds.” You did that? Awww so so cute 🙂

  16. Amit, I am going to adopt you! Nah I am serious. This is a wonderful eye-opener to the other side of the fence. LOL on the Pamela Anderson bit. The paper boat brought back memories 😀

    • Really? Then I will be launching your books! 😛
      Thank you Ritu for liking the post. I think the Pamela Anderson bit is the best part of pregnancy, besides the baby of course.

      • Oh yes, of course the Pamela Anderson bit. The little one? Wait until she discovers brands and grows into a teenager *evil laughter*

  17. hahahahahaha!!! O my God…. I am literally laughing out loud here……… epic, epic post Amit. Bang on with the ‘all your fault’ syndrome. Coming from a mother who went through this manic routine TWO times, this is one sweet post!

    • Thanks Nirvana. 🙂
      The ‘All your fault’ is the most common whiplash.
      Geet and I have decided that Anika will be our only child and I salute you for going through this two times. 🙂

  18. he he he 🙂 🙂 🙂 you managed to withstand all the words eh!!! thumbs up 😉 🙂 🙂 🙂 lol did you checked out with Geet before publishing 😉 she would have given many inputs 😀 😀 😀 😀 Was it a normal or C-section!!!! try writing what if the other thing had happen :p

  19. It’s nice to read a not so romanticized version of pregnancy.
    //Husband – Oh! Come on! It is not as if you are the first woman to….. *Was not able to complete the sentence because of a kick in the balls*//
    That was a well deserved kick 🙂

  20. I really want to comment but I was laughing too hard 😆 So that’s what happened in those 9 months eh? 😛

    Let me forward this link to hubby to make sure he knows what he is getting into when we plan to have a kid! :mrgreen;

  21. oh, I agree with you totally! I tortured my husband with demands for thela-gaadi ka noodles at 11 in the night, throwing mega tantrums and making him stay in the delivery room for ‘seeing what he has done to me’!!
    Superb post!!

    • Thankfully Geet did not have any cravings. That would have been like the last nail in the coffin of my already fragile facade of tranquility. 😛
      Thank you for liking the post. 🙂

  22. Besides the mind blowing humor, the one thing I Super Liked is the right places where you had the husband kicked & had his neck broken cause I remember actually wanting to do just that at those times 😛

  23. Ha ha that was one fun read, have never read a version of pregnancy from husband ‘s side.

    My husband feels otherwise,I didn’t make him run crazy like he thought I would. He thinks we should have a second child and I should make him do crazy things.. Some guys do get into weird ideas not that I am buying his idea..

    Hugs to the little sweetheart 🙂

    • Maybe you should go ahead with the second child and throw super tantrums and fulfill all his wishes. 🙂
      Thanks for the hugs Little Fingers. 🙂

  24. hehe that was awesome..
    I know it’s a serious matter, someone going through all this..
    but u r a sweet heart 🙂
    you made all this sound so funny 😛

    Enjoyy daddy time !!

    • It was funny at times. The only thought that really stressed both of us was the D Day. We prayed and prayed that everything turn out just fine. 🙂

  25. I recently delivered my second child and I somehow was repulsed by your train of thought. Seriously, if that is all that you remember from the whole amazing journey, you missed the chance to be a part of biggest miracle of life, I know your post was intended on a humorous note and you are of course entitled to your opinion, but i couldnt help myself from commenting on this one.

    For me some things in life are so close to God that making fun of these is somehow life making fun of God himself and all his creations. Thats my opinion and as always you are free to make fun of it too.

    • Lady,
      All you are missing here is a funny bone but it is all right. None of us is perfect.
      Did you bother to read my interactions with the other readers in the comments section? If you had tried, maybe you would have realized that the world is not as one dimensional as you would like it to be.
      I believe that everything is close to God – Earth, nature, humans, life, universe. Now going by your standards, we really have to ban humour because we should not be making fun of any of them.
      And I am really sorry for you if you think that I missed the chance to be a part of the biggest miracle of life. And by the way, I was interviewed at a parenting site a few days back. Maybe you should read my interview – http://www.indianmomsconnect.com/2013/06/11/fathers-day-special-interview-with-a-just-became-a-father/

  26. My first time here.. and this is what I read O_O.. I was all the time covering my laptop to one side so that the Husband cannot peep in and read 😀 :D.. though I must confess it was a laughing riot hehehehe (ya that is how I laugh 😛 )

  27. I think the dialogue on D-Day was quite mild compared to the abuses and swears I spat at my husband. Anything and everything he did only increased my anger! LOL..

    But your post is bang on! 🙂

  28. Oh my God, I just loved the post so much. I don’t think any post till date not even my husband’s have got me in splits and tears with laughter. Indeed, pregnancy is such a wonderful time for both, husband and wife.

  29. Erm…when your tum is almost touching your knees and you develop strange new aversions and cravings…Your body starts reacting in the strangest ways and you look like a hippopotamus – what’s a few temper tantrums!

  30. Hahahahahaha, I’ve just about entered my second trimester but I still want to make my husband suffer. The atmosphere in our house is a strange mixture of anticipation and fear

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