I was sitting on a ladies seat in a DTC bus. Now before you take out your knives, let me clarify that I was very tired and there wasn’t a single lady around who was glaring at me. A girl boarded the bus a few minutes later and courteous and chivalrous as I was, I got up to offer her the seat. I guessed that like me, she too was studying in Delhi University as both of us were wearing that unmistakable, funky college kinda stuff. She declined to take the seat and asked me to keep sitting. There was a near contempt in her voice, as if I had insulted her in some way. Confused and bewildered, I sat at the ladies seat while she towered over me for a while and then got down at Mall Road. Finally, my confusion gave way to respect.
This happened almost 15 years back but the incident plays on a loop in my mind whenever I see demarcations etched out all around me for the opposite sex. In our quest to solve a problem we have created a bigger one. Quick fix I call it but they never solve the real issue, do they?
The era in which we live will leave any man confused. The age old concept of chivalry somehow does not fit in. We cannot talk about equality and special privileges in the same breathe. Ever since that incident, I hesitate to open the door for a lady, I hesitate to pull a chair for her at a restaurant, I hesitate to get up to offer a seat. What if she turns around and glares at me? What if she tells me in very definitive terms that she is capable of taking care of herself? That she does not require any help that is provided considering her gender, considering her weak.
All the women I know are capable of handling things on their own. They are independent and self-sufficient. But you see, that is where the confusion begins. Sometimes, I have been asked to help. When I have refused, citing the fact that the woman in question is completely capable of handling the situation herself, I have been called unchivalrous.
So how much is too much and how less is too less?
What is the point at which I go from being helpful and courteous to being completely irritating and sexist?
Giving an example from my personal life, Geet has been a very independent and headstrong woman all her life but sometimes something gets into her and she behaves all dependent-ish. A few days back, she called me up at the office and asked me to call up her bank for an enquiry.
“Why don’t you call them yourself?” I said.
“Because I don’t feel like doing it. Please can you do this for me?” she said.
“No.”
“Why?”
“Because you can do this on your own.”
Stony Silence.
This went on for a while before she understood that I was not going to do it. She finally told me that I was useless and I asked her whether she would like to replace me as I was still under warranty. She called the bank on her own and got the information she wanted. This wasn’t the first incident as I have done similar routines a number of times with Geet and my sister because I don’t want them to depend on me for things they can handle on their own. In the end, once the task is accomplished, I am greeted with a look-we-don’t-need-you snort. And that is exactly what I am looking for.
But then, am I being a bad husband and a bad brother? Am I been unchivalrous to my wife and my sister? It is not as if both of them don’t know the first time around that they can do it on their own but as much as I am able to understand, women sometimes ‘like’ to depend on men. They like it when we do things for them. It is, for reasons unfathomable to me, taken as a sign of love, affection and respect.
Please don’t take me wrong. I like being helpful. But if I hold a door for someone to pass through, I will do that irrespective of that person’s gender.
I have been running this thought again and again in my mind and I have reached a conclusion that I do not like the idea of a woman asking me for help for a task she can perform on her own. I do not like the idea of extending courtesy to a woman because she is a woman. I do not like the idea of providing special privileges to woman to save them from acts of crimes instead of taking measures to prevent those crimes. Can you sweep a really independent woman off her feet by an act of chivalry? Today, when women have been fighting for equal rights and the power to make their own choices, does it really make sense to mistake dependence with a sign of warmth?
I believe chivalry and equality cannot co-exist. Is it time to bury chivalry?
A woman’s perspective – The Awww-topsy
Mashed Musings 
You have a point and I know women who will agree with you.I know a girl who objects if a male opens the door for her 🙂
Thanks Prerna. I somehow like this trait. 🙂
I have no problem with chivalry. To me it is good manners. I open the door even for strangers irrespective of gender. And helping out and depending has nothing to do with gender. I am in a relationship and we depend on each other. If faced with a problem, we are capable of doing things individually. Even without reservation, men offered me seats and I accepted gratefully. I offered the same to a child or a person carrying too many things. Sometimes we create issues out of nothingness :). I don’t know about Geet but I love it when G does things for me and vice versa. And each is capable of doing those perfectly on their own.
I think chivalry is a bit different from Good manners. And yes, I agree with the part of helping each other out in case of issues but I have seen women who are completely dependent on their husbands because they are scared to handle the situation on their own. I think we should try to remove such dependencies. You never know where life is going to throw you tomorrow.
Commom courtesy that’s all. Simple acts like offering your seat or opening the door are gender negative acts and don’t make people depe.dent at all. The ladies you me.tioned being too dependent are not due to chivalry either they feel powerless to do something due to exposure or lack of understanding. Asking for help once in a while does not make you depe.dent only busy or too caught up with something else :).
even i hold the door irrespective of the gender of that person. now before you start assuming that i am a doorman, let’s focus on your post.
i have heard, read on numerous occasions that girls don’t mind a little special treatment (of course, we shouldn’t generalize). also, a lady in distress or trouble is not a pretty sight. so, i don’t find it wrong if we extend a helping hand if needed.
although, chivalrous approach looks funny when we try to pretend.
i have also heard some advocates of gender equality proclaiming proudly, “i know how to respect women because i am a real man.” how funny is that?
cannot blame anyone. we are just confused because we are surrounded by all beasts and insects.
Glad that you clarified the Doorman part. 😛
I don’t know. I am very confused about this whole scenario. Equality and death of chivalry are related. Both of them cannot exist together. But still men are supposed to behave all chivalrous. 😐
Erm… You know im soo headstrong and independent tht wen my guy friends (not those oldest ones since primary school) are weary of showing such gestures to me. But sometimes they couldnt stop themselves before doing opening-doors kinda stuffs, which make me pissed. But when they dont do it, I kinda get disappointed. Its so damn confusing. When I dated a guy whos like a bes buddy, I wished he’d act all play-guitar-n-sing-for-girl type. Then ULTA happened it got suffocating. Story of lots of girls.
Isnt it strange? We are confused and we confuse guys as well because we dont want to be confused alone???!!!
Hahaha! Glad to know that someone else is as confused as I am. 😀
Well… I completely agree with Nidaa. I work in hospitality industry and i agree that they over do it some times. But when I am out with my guy friends i like it when they hold doors for me. But like many of the counterparts here i hate and simply hate when my guy freinds try to help me even when not asked. I feel like telling them hey look i can handle this ok?
But like Geet your wife, sometimes i just dont feel upto things and ask my guy friends to do it for me… 😛
Thanks for your views Bhagyashree. It is great to know that there are women who do not like unwanted help.
Haha! I think there other ways to get pampered that asking someone to call the bank. Geet was just being lazy I guess. 🙂
I think it runs both ways. The way a guy opens a door for me, even I can do that for him. Even a girl can be expected to be chivalrous…isn’t it? And about the bus incident, I have offered seats to old people and women with children not anybody else ever. Also, I guess you are right to the extent that women do sometimes like to be dependent, but I believe men too behave in the same manner sometimes. They like to be dependent and stay at home and look after the plants and the kids and want the lady to go out and pay the bills. This is a very subjective thing. And I would love to share something with you, but I don’t know how do you insert pictures in the comment section, if at all you can.
About, the bus incident – No one expects a woman to offer a seat to a guy. That is where the difference comes into picture. Maybe it is how we are wired or maybe it is because of the kind of society we are brought up in. Consider a guy and a girl going on a date. In a practical scenario, the onus of chivalry solely lies with the guy. And that is where it gets confusing. He might completely offend the girl while doing the door opening and chair pulling acts.
Frankly, the two “Cs” plaguing the desi male – Chivalry and Chauvinism – are bound to die out in due course. As you would have noticed yourself as well, in the west, there is no concept of things like ladies seats in public transportation. When you are out for dinner date, there is no expectation on you to settle the bill by yourself. And you hold the door for the person behind you, regardless of gender or age, it’s just common courtesy.
We will get there eventually. Hopefully!
Yes, this is exactly what I am talking about. Helping each other is entirely different from Chivalry. I feel that being chivalrous to a woman is telling her that she is weaker that you. That is the definition of the word, right?
I hope we will reach that point some day when common courtesy will take over.
I have opened doors, carried bags, pulled chairs(even pushed away at times but lets talk about it later) for many men. Why is me being courteous good manners and you being courteous chivalry? There is an explanation. Ever noticed how people call men who do household chores as being helpful and understanding but women doing household chores is a mere ‘duty’? That. Stereotype at its best. Add a generous dose of patronising to it.
I have had a terrible nose-cut when I offered my seat to a hormonal pregnant woman. That didn’t stop me from offering her again the next day or to some other elderly people. Because it is the right thing to do. And one fine day when she was less hormonal, she smiled.
As far as being a good brother or husband is concerned, only your sister and wife can judge that 🙂 But I’m so glad that you are wanting to be one 🙂
I follow my heart, be nice to people in general, smile at people on the street, wave at children, kick a football that comes my way. Not because somebody needs it, but because I want to. If opening doors is a part of it, so be it!
Agree with celestialrays. I think the confusion is calling something chivalry over good manners or courtesy. I always hold doors open for people coming up behind me or offer other people to go through doors before me, irrespective of their gender.
Often my husband asks me to ring up banks or restaurants because he doesn’t want to speak to a stranger for some reason! I need his help with heavy bags or high shelves sometimes but he needs mine in paying bills on time and finding his car keys when he (so often!) misplaces them. That’s just using our respective skills to be nice to each other. I think any good manners should be irrespective of gender, so if something is exclusively only expected from men or women then let’s bury it by all means. Let’s do away with chivalry but let’s keep good manners. 🙂
//because he doesn’t want to speak to a stranger for some reason
Haha! That was the same reason given to me. Beats me. Geet is a teacher. She gets a whole bunch of strangers to teach and interact every year. She interacts with their stranger parents. As far as both of us are concerned, I think I am more dependent on her than the other way around. 🙂 But then sometimes when I feel that she is depending too much on me for things which she can handle (call it laziness), I press the ‘Do it yourself’ button.
Yes, good manners is all we should work upon.
@Amit, I think there’s a pattern there! My husband deals with strangers all the time in his job too. I need to borrow your ‘do it yourself’ button! 😀
Haha! Let me know how it went. 🙂
Celestialrays,
I am completely with you when all this is done in the name of common courtesy. My concern is that a lot of women take it as a sign of love and respect. I have seen a woman talking about a guy being ‘marriage material’ just because he pulled a chair for her! That wasn’t a common courtesy for her but how a ‘guy’ should behave with a lady. It is stereotyping. It stems from how we are brought up in an environment where women and taught to depend on men and be really happy that there is a ‘protector’ who do things for them.
Yes, the key is to follow your heart. As I said, I too open the doors for whoever is behind me and help people in general. And yes, I push the ladies in my life to do their work on their own. And no one is more happy when they curse me and go ahead. 😀
This is exactly that stops me from being an outright ‘feminist’. Equality and special rights cannot co-exist. No one should pull chairs for us or pick grocery bags. If we want to be treated with equal respect we really should earn it.
There are men who scorn at us for exactly the same reason – they say that in office we create problems when we are denied special priviliges as women. And then we demand equality in public! They say we take ‘mauke ka fayeda’. I’ve seen women do that and absolutely hate it.
I would really appreciate when a man would expect me to do everything. Except going out alone at night..what the f should we do about that?
I can give you a thousand more examples. There are woman who talk about equal rights but are the first one to demand a ‘ladies seat’ in the Metro. Doesn’t make any sense to me. A separate queue will be formed even when there is no crowd. And it will look really funny of you swap the genders. Why? Imagine a woman getting up and giving a seat to a young man.
Going out alone at night. Hmmm. God knows when that will be a reality in this country. And believe me, guys are equally afraid to go out at night.
I know. If we take the case of Nirbhaya.. she was with someone. Anyway, the concept of chivalry is different now – respect each other ‘s independence. Good manners is one thing, but don’t expect the men to sink with the ship while you get the privilege to leave in the boat first. What was that,really?? That’s why I also feel that inequality is deeply rooted.. it will take a zillion years to change. But we must not give up and stand up for what’s right.
Chivalry is nothing but consideration and it can be accorded to anyone, irrespective of gender. I’d give up my seat on the bus for someone very old or someone with kids but not for a hale and hearty young thing :).
KayEm,
That will be good manners and common courtesy. Chivalry is kindness and courteousness especially towards women or the weak. Now that is what I have a problem with. I am all in for good manners but when we talk about equality, chivalry does not fit it.
Reblogged this on Rashid's Blog.
Great Amit.
I wonder how you almost always echo my thoughts.
I was a bit skeptical before I published this post. I was wondering if I am alone in thinking like this. 🙂
You are not….This has been a burning topic for debate since the tyrannosaurus age…..And Guess what…We are yet achieve a definitive conclusion 🙂
Well…what you highlight is absolutely correct. With passing days the concepts of chivalry would die out. Our society since time immemorial , have projected the Female bandwagon as ‘Dependent’…Right from the Medical Insurance Forms to Visa Application Forms…But that sure isn’t here to stay for long…But then , I guess we should try and iron out all the ‘Gender’ specific add-ons such as higher Standard deductions for Female Tax payers , and those ‘Ladies Seats’…..Just to be equals in all respects…..
The concept of ‘Ladies Seat’ started because some men in our country cannot control themselves even in public. But instead of teaching men to respect women, we segregated women like untouchables. We gave them different seats, different coaches, different queues. Reminds me of Apartheid in South Africa.
I hope we get over this and treat each other on an equal footing.
Where religion and caste is concerned, I definitely prefer new-age logic to fixed traditions. But for some reason, when it comes to women, I am a bit Victorian in my mindset- not in being prudish, but in basic things like opening the door for her, giving up my seat … I personally would say there is a difference between an act of respect and demarcations like ‘Bank exclusively for women’, ‘Area especially for women at prayer halls’ etc.
They are equal… its the mindset around that simple fact that needs to change.
I too do all the things like opening the door and give my seat but I do it for anyone who needs it. Demarcations I do not understand. Maybe they are a necessary evil in our society till be find better solutions.
I am in my undergrad now and I have a good number of friends and acquaintances who are girls. And to be frank, they like a little chivalry and they really think that it is gentle for us to do so. They expect it a bit! I am not telling that they welcome it with open hands but a very little chivalry always makes them smile. But equality on the other hand makes them too bold (Positive connotation) and proud. I think that both chivalry and equality can co-exist but neither can dominate the existence of its ally. Nicely summed up one. And I too have had experience like the one you had in my days. And I ve been absent from blogging for the past few months and that I’m back, I’m happy to read a wonderful post from you 🙂
Hari,
Yes, I have seen that happen many times and it leaves me confused. I like the idea of people helping people. Anything beyond that does not make sense to me.
Thank you for liking the post. 🙂
I like chivalrous men and I think it is more about being courteous and well-mannered. I don’t ask men to get up from seats reserved for women in the bus. But if they refuse to get up even when someone who needs the seat enters, I would ask them to offer their seat to the lady. Oh yes, there are arrogant men who pretend not to ‘notice’. And there are rude women like that too. I wouldn’t want chivalry to be buried in the name of equality because we are all interdependent. I am sure men like being pampered silly by the women in their lives too. Otherwise they would cook, clean and do all the housework daily – things they can very much do on their own.
Nice comment…..very apt and well-said…
I think being courteous and well-mannered goes both ways. I like the idea of people helping each other without bringing the gender equation in-between. Chivalry is something that is attached specifically to males and that is where the issue is. There is no female equivalent to it. I would like to be well-mannered and helpful instead of chivalrous. Somehow, that word reminds me of the gender divide.
Helping somebody, curtsey, good manners and general politeness are not necessarily Chivalry. And asking for help is not always asking for chivalry. Men and women can and do ask for help and that’s perfectly fine. There are some kinds of tasks some of us dislike handling, it may or may not have anything to do with our gender.
We can refuse to help because we are not inclined to help, or have better things to do with our time or because we are concerned that helping once might mean that in future the task will always be handed to us. I am not sure if we should be refusing because we want to make another equal adult independent, that sounds condescending.
IHM,
Yes, and I do not have issue with any of those qualities. I have issue with chivalry which is a very gender specific term associated with males. I would rather help a human irrespective of his/her gender.
Sometimes I refuse to do things because I know that the other person will be able to do it on his/her own. It might be out of unnecessary fear or laziness but then it might become a habit.
The fact remains that women in our country are taught to depend on males in their family. They mold themselves in that role. To break that, we must encourage each other to equally share responsibilities.
Amit, while chivalry attached to men is not acceptable, helping each other is very much required irrespective of the gender. I have given up seats to men/women/kids whenever I thought the person needed to be seated more than me. I have seen women taking undue advantage of reserved seats as well as arrogant men who act as if they didn’t notice even when they are sitting in a seat reserved for ladies and a pregnant lady is standing with a child in hand and a grocery bag in another.
Geet, if, as you mentioned is an independent woman, she asking you for help calling the bank would not be because she is a women and you are a man, it would be because she just doesn’t want to and would be happy if you being her partner do it for her. This has nothing to do with the gender, so your helping her would have made her happy not dependent. For instances we decide to order food, both me and husband can do it by ourselves, but as per our mood we request the other to do it. It doesn’t make one dependent on other. Everyone has the right to be lazy sometimes 🙂
I cannot lift too much weight , but my husband can lift more weight than me. So after shopping, he carries the heavier bags and I carry the light one. It does not mean I being a woman am depending on man or all women are weaker than men. My husband cannot lift the weight that the women labourers in our home town can lift. It depends on each individuals physical strength, not the genders. In our case my husband is physically stronger than me, so I take his help.
Don’t confuse chivalry with helping your spouse/siblings.
Seena,
That was the whole point of the post that chivalry is outdated in today’s world. We should help people irrespective of their gender.
Regarding my stand on the incident with Geet, I will give you an example. When my sister was in school, she was really scared to go to the local shop and buy stuff on her own. She would send me every time. Call it laziness or taking help but soon that turned into a habit. It was more because she knew that there will always be another member in the family that will take care of her. That is how we bring up our girls. Then one fine day I refused. She was scared but she went on her own. After a few more days, she stopped asking me and the fear vanished.
My point is that our society teaches women to depend on men. It is ingrained in them and sometimes you need to push them into being more independent. I knew Geet could handle everything on her own but for some reasons I cannot see her going backwards. It is as simple as that.
I have worked for years to turn my sibling into an independent and strong woman. I have time and again pushed her to test the waters and make her own decisions. Helping is fine but it turning it into a recurring habit is a no no for me.
I think I totally get what u are saying. This is not about courtesy or mannerisms at all. Infact, I don’t like it too when someone does things for me just because I am a *girl* (woman :P) If they do the very same thing bcoz they would do it for any human, it is a different thing indeed!
Exactly. There has to be some sort of an instrument that differentiates between courtesy and chivalry. 🙂
As you have rightly observed, it ends up in embarrassment at times. Like I have often seen women lugging really heavy stuff up the railway over-bridges and underpasses. There was this time when I saw one with an impossible load and she was shaking all over trying to pull it over and to top it, she had a toddler to mind too. She was genuinely annoyed when I offered to help her although some of it can be attributed to my singularly ugly visage. Yet, I would never hesitate to offer help to another one in a similar situation. Coming to the main contention, I don’t think equality replaces chivalry.
Uma,
as far as I understand, chivalry works on the basic premise that the person to whom it is extended is a woman or a weaker person than you. It doesn’t work the other way round. But if we replace chivalry with good manners, I think it works great.
Just a personal thought.
Chivalry I feel should not be related to the gender in today’s time. I have given up my seat for both men and women. Have held open doors for older people of both sexes.
And yes just like Geet, I have pestered my husband to do stuff for me only because I felt lazy to do it 😛 there was nothing about equality or dependence here…
But that is the whole point. It is gender based and hence it does not fit in. A courteous behavior does.
And believe me, I can smell laziness. Especially on my wife. 🙂
We can’t deny the fact that it is confused time, and it would be long before we reach to equality.
But over the time I have realised that the females who behave unreasonably headstrong or question basic gestures of men have more than often learnt it a hard way. Most of them have been victims of male ego in some way or the other.
And about things which women asks men to do even being completely capable of taking care of those things themselves is also at times of the conditioning of being dependent. Mostly for me they r in the areas of banking or any other financial work, automobiles, mechanical tasks, wood work and alike. But they are also divided by the area of expertise, like in the above tasks I will consult TBH like he is in a habit of consulting me when it comes to gifting, planning surprise, deciding menus, grocery shopping, cloths, designing, colors etc etc.
I agree with you. I do not understand girls who swoon over a guy because he opened the car door. Really? There is much more than that in a ‘marriage material’ guy. And what surprises me is that they expect guys to do that. The equality factor just flows out of the window.
I think it is much more sensible to be impressed by a man who helps every one in general and does not limit his helpful gestures to acts of chivalry.
I don’t mind chivalry. I open doors to anyone who might need a little help. But, I don’t like decisions made on my behalf or for me. I don’t like it when certains things are spelled out “because I’m a lady”
So, yes, its confusing at times.. but that doesnt make you a bad person/bad brother/bad husband
Also, if I know that my dad or husband or friend is good at getting something done, I let them do it because its less of a hassel for me! but, that could be because I’m lazy!! 😛 😉
Pixie,
Chivalry is not girls opening doors for men but the other way round. And that is the problem. A girl opening a door is just good mannered. 🙂
I try to keep a balance even if I am confused. Pampering is good but we should not unnecessarily depend on our partners.
Why do you have to think so much? When an independent, can-do-anything girl asks you to do something that she can do very well, its just because she likes to have that feeling of being pampered once in a while. You need to learn to strike that perfect balance between helping and being mistaken for that poor animal who goes oink oink…
My mother used to say that men get amnesia the day they get married, till that day they would have been cooking, washing cleaning, what not and then a day arrives when they suddenly forget everything. Yeah…I would just love the bliss of forgetting some things too…sigh!
Wanderlustathome,
See my reply to Seena as well. I know it when my wife is asking to be pampered. 🙂 Some time it is the fear of unknown and sometimes it is our social conditioning that leads to such behavior. There isn’t anything wrong in trying to break it.
I can so feel this post. And I totally agree with what you say. I dislike it when am treated differently (even if it means a lot of unwanted “help”). Offering a seat to a pregnant woman, yes. Any woman who is sick, yes. But then, that’s true for men as well. So, yes, courtesy is fine by me when I am in need of help. But, unnecessary help when am capable of doing it on my own is not something I personally like.
Laziness is another thing totally 😛
I am glad that you agree with me. No one likes unwanted help, especially the one given considering you weak.
I am eagerly waiting for the day when equality wins over chivalry and chauvinism. I can just hope I live to see that day.
We are moving towards it but it will take a long time.
You made a good point Amit. We women wants to get pampered through act of chivalry. But as you said we must be helpful, supportive irrespective of gender.
I do agree with it.
Thanks Chaitali. Yes, we should help people irrespective of their genders.
I have had this debate in my head several times and to be honest I have not come to a conclusion.
I am all for equal rights for men and women. I do not really like the concept of ‘Ladies’ seat in buses but neither do I like when men literally push me aside when I am about to get into the bus for they want to be the first ones to get into the bus!! Then there is the other category of men who let me walk out of the lift first. Of the two behaviours I like the latter.
Chivalry is nothing but good manners irrespective of the gender you are being chivalrous towards.
Brilliant post Amit!
Metherebel,
The concept of ‘Ladies seat’ is a shortcut because we are not willing to teach men about respect. We need a code of conduct in a public place rather than creating boundaries.
Thanks for liking the post. 🙂
I can understand your confusion, Amit. I can totally get it. Being a woman of your age/generation, even I have similar questions. other way round. In buses, many times I get up and offer seats to senior citizens, (male or female doesn’t matter), to pregnant woman, to woman with kids..I wonder what people think, is this girl crazy?
The other day a female friend at work and me went on a lunch and we were talking about lunches with white men. One thing we noticed is, the way they treat a woman. Hold doors for her, make her comfortable, plan a lot on taking them to lunch..it is not the same with our guys..I bet there is a difference..so, I think these minimum manners are imbibed in them right from childhood. If we teach our kids to help irrespective or age and genders, I think they will follow the same..
And Geet asking you to call, it’s just that women like to be pampered sometimes..not that they can’t do it.. 🙂
Thanks Latha. Yes, I agree. We need to teach our children about respecting everyone irrespective of genders. The problem is that the a lot of parents need to learn those manners before they teach them to their children.
Haha! Getting pampered by asking me to call a bank? There are better ways. 🙂
I would hate it, too, if I were ‘protected’ just because I am a woman. That said, I would appreciate courtesy being shown to me because I am a human being, irrespective of my gender.
At times, yes, I also ask the OH to do certain stuff for me which I am very much capable of doing myself, just because I don’t want to do it. Sometimes he outright refuses to do it – telling me I can do it myself – at other times, he indulges me. And, sometimes, I deserve to be indulged and pampered. 🙂
TGND,
Yes, exactly. That is what I am pointing at in the post. We need to show basic courtesy to each other. Gender has nothing to do with it.
Chivalry, for me is about good manners and responsible behavior. Depends from person to person and situation to situation. Sometimes, you are damned if you do, and damned if you don’t.
Alka,
Chivalry is associated with men and creates false impressions about how a ‘nice’ man should be. I believe that the concept is outdated in today’s world.
I think there is a very thin line between chivalry and good manners..Of course if its done irrespective of the gender!
Sia,
Chivalry is generally associated with men. The concept of helping others should be gender neutral.
I dont want to sound like a feminist 😉 but to understand this I guess U need to be in women’s sandals 😛 Coz am not just exaggerating but more than 40% of men pull chairs or push the door (just hope they dont smash some one else on the other side of the door) or open the car door just to gain some attention. In their body language it never seems like chivalry !! Live example was some XYZ manager in one of the teams I Worked with. His act was chivalry gained only rivalry 😀 Ofcourse women who use brain can demarcate the real ones from fakeologists !!
I only hope if it is just happens in flow and not “projected” as if its chivalrous then it seems pretty good. Anyhow I just hope “all good men” dont face the wrath of rivalry !! What U told here is valid
Haha! Yeah that is true. We have devised many ways to impress women. 🙂
You have added another dimension to the whole talk but that is another pressure added to our already long list. 🙂
it is chivalry when a man shows considerate behavior towards women. then what is it when it is vice versa? i want to have a word for this! i want to say ” as an act of _____ a woman held the door for a man/gave up her seat for a man/helped him across the road” etc etc i think this equality business has gotten out of hand. by asking for equal rights, we have not surrendered our need for common courtesy! like opening doors for us or giving up your seat for us. but women do it too – for other women and for men too. so chivalry should stand for all acts of kindness, without genders getting into it. and amit, if geet doesn’t want to talk to pesky/irritating bank staff, please call them on her behalf – since you love her so much!
I wish there was a female equivalent but there isn’t. Equal rights should lead to common courtesy, that is why chivalry does not make sense in today’s time.
And Geet called the bank on her own and did the work. She has done it all her life. 🙂 There was no need for her to call me and ask me to do it. I am the one who is usually scared of doing such things. 🙂
i can so understand – on my list of “people i hate calling up” bank staff is right on the top, followed by telephone companies! is there a term for when a man shows chivalry towards another man? your blog has started such a train of thought!
I usually pick up fights with them. Hence I refrain myself from calling them. I prefer online complaints.
I think the word ‘chivalry’ should go off the dictionary. It reminds me of warriors and horses and women with those puffed gowns that covered half the Earth.
I kinda like when a guy holds a door for me or pulls a chair for me.but even I do the same irrespective of the gender and especially to people close to me.I don’t think helping is chivalry.may you can offer help if they accept well and good otherwise leave it 🙂
PS: I at times have this “I don’t feel like doing” mood.now I realize how men take it 😛
Chivalry is actually associated with guys. There is no general or female equivalent word for it, unfortunately. I somehow relate it with gender power and weakness which does not fit in the current world.
Yes, helping others irrespective of their gender is always preferable. 🙂
I think women who want to be treated as equals, do not want chivalry.. They might like you holding the door for them because it being good manners, and they would gladly hold the door for you as well.
Santulan,
Yes. Exactly my thoughts.