The day Gods were Arnab-ised

arnabgoswami

Arnab looks at the camera and gives a triumphant smile. He feels like the king of the world. 

Arnab: Ladies and gentlemen! This is a Times Wow exclusive. Nowhere in this world, and I repeat, NOWHERE IN THIS WORLD, have you seen a debate of such a scale. Today we will talk to Gods of three religions. Yes, you heard it right ladies and gentlemen. * A pause and he stares at the screen for 3 seconds* You heard it right. Let’s call them God A, B and C. We will not be disclosing the religion they represent, neither will we be disclosing their faces. Please welcome the three Gods.

Three blank screens appear next to Arnab with God A, B and C written below them.

Arnab: “Welcome everyone to the show. Let’s start with the most important question haunting mankind. Let’s end the hide-and-seek game today. LET’S SETTLE THIS NOW AND HERE!!!! Where are all of you? Why are you not helping us? God A?”

God A: Because we are not supposed to! Unless and until a calamity of a monstrous scale happens that threatens the end… 

Arnab: OH MY GOD! You are telling me that there have been no calamities of a monstrous scale? Let me remind you sir. No! Let me remind you! 900 people died in the Mumbai riots in 1993, more than a 1000 people died in the Gujrat roits….

God B: Arnab, he meant on the scale of lakhs, crores. When there is a danger of extinction of mankind, we might appear. Until then…

Arnab: *giving a Dilip Kumar expression* Might appear? Might? MigHT? MIGHT? WE HUMANS HERE ARE COMSUMING VICKS AT AN ALARMING RATE BECAUSE WE ARE GETTING HOARSE CALLING YOU FOR HELP AND YOU MIGHT APPEAR? WE ARE PUTTING LAKHS AND LAKHS OF MONEY AT YOUR FEET WHEN MILLIONS ARE STARVING AND YOU ‘MIGHT’ APPEAR?

God C: Arnab, we cannot undo what humans have done. It is your fate. We gave you brains, didn’t we?

Arnab: *Pointing at God C with a Nirupa Roy look* YOU SIR ARE THE WORST OF THE WHOLE BUNCH! Your people are killing other people since hundred of years and you are eating popcorn and watching the show! Can you sleep at night? Can you look into the mir…..

God C: Why are you blaming me, God B’s people have been destroying one nation after another since decades. What about him? Why don’t you….

God B: Hold on! My people have always fought righteous wars! They have always fought for the love of America humanity. You cannot….

God A: Hrrrrruumph! Give me a break! Both of you should have at least appeared once in a while and made things right. Look at me. I have already appeared 9 times. All you guys do is sit on your ass and….

Arnab: SILENCE! Silence! All three of you are guilty! All three of you! And stop playing your politics here. THIS IS MY SHOW! I AM THE GOD HERE! So, don’t you guys dare to fling fingers at each other. The only finger that flings on this show is MINE! God A, tell me something. Your people are goondas. They beat girls who drink. They beat couples who celebrate Valentines day. Tell me, don’t they serve drinks in heaven when you have cultural programs where apsaras dance? Don’t you have Kamdev in your cabinet?

God A: I never said any of these things are wrong.

Arnab: But YOU NEVER DID ANYTHING TO STOP IT!

God A: What do you want? I can’t bloody come every time on Earth when someone has a flat tyre to help him.

Arnab: OH MY GOD! You are comparing hooliganism and murders to flat tyres? OH MY GOD!

God A: *rolling his eyes* It was just an expression!

Arnab: Let me tell all three of you today – YOU GUYS ARE GOOD FOR NOTHING. *Inserting a sad Anupam Kher expression* I feel like an orphan today. An orphan! And I say this on the behalf of the whole humanity. ALL OF US ARE ORPHANS! WE ARE ON OUR OWN! OH MY GOD!

God B: You really don’t have to be such a drama queen. Let us speak. You have to understand that this is not how it….

Arnab: DRAMA QUEEN? YOU ARE CALLING ME A DRAMA QUEEN? YOU THREE ARE THE BIGGEST DRAMA QUEENS I HAVE EVER SEEN! Sir, let me tell you that you guys exist because of us. If we want, we can shun you all and live on our own. Tell me how it happens then. I would like to listen. Let’s finish this now and here. Today is the day. Today is JUDGEMENT DAY!

God C: Our task was to create the world. We cannot solve your problems. We can only show you the path. It is up to you to walk on it.

Arnab: So, the three of you agree that you cannot help us?

God A,B,C: Yes.

Arnab: OH MY GOD!

*another 3 second pause and then he looks at the camera*

Arnab: Ladies and gentlemen. Tonight we have seen incompetence at the highest level. Forget politicians. Forget the World Wars. This is the reality exclusively on Times Wow – that we are alone. We have to fight this battle of saving humanity on our own. That OUR GODS ARE NOT GOING TO SAVE US! I WILL NEVER BOW MY HEAD IN FRONT OF ANY GOD FROM NOW ONWARDS!

God A: *yawning* Arnab, why don’t you become the god for humans? You have all the characteristics. *God B and C nod in unison and pass a smile*

Arnab: STOP YOUR SARCASTIC HANKY PANKY! YOUR ROSE TINTED IMAGE HAS BEEN SHATTERED TODAY. HUMANS NOW KNOW WHAT YOU ALL STAND FOR. *looks at the camera* THIS TIMES WOW EXCLUSIVE WILL BE ETCHED IN THE MEMORY OF MANKIND TILL ETERNITY.

God C : *telepathically talks to God A and B* His face is going red. His lungs will be on the table anytime.

God A,B : *telepathically* Don’t make us laugh you idiot! He has already done enough to portray us in a bad light.

God C : *telepathically* You appear as a blank screen, you fool! And you really think people care?

God B : *telepathically* Of course not. That is one reason I haven’t turned him into Rakhi Sawant yet.

God A: *telepathically* Shall we leave?

God C: *telepathically* Oh for God sake! Yes!

*Meanwhile Arnab is still rambling*

Arnab: I AM ASHAMED OF ALL THREE OF YOU!! ASHAMED!! Do you have anything else to say before we end this show?

*Silence*

Arnab: God A, God B, God C?

*Silence*

Arnab: OH MY GOD!

65 comments on “The day Gods were Arnab-ised

  1. Hah! So we are on our own? Well, not if you believe in Gods D to Z – you know, the self professed ones right here on Earth?
    Great satire! 🙂

    • Yes, we are. Depressing isn’t it?
      As far as D-Z Gods go, I think Arnab will be putting them in the docks in a separate edition of the show.
      Thanks Rickie. 🙂

  2. I can almost see a halo around Saint Arnab’s head. No wonder, ‘Your channel’ will be the first one to bring God to justice. And then Saint Arnab will proclaim….Tonight ladies and gentlemen….tonight I have God Himself in my studios. And tonight, he will have to give some straight answers to my very straight questions. I will be very direct today…So God, tell me, when will you stop being so kind to Rajdeep Sardesai?

    • I don’t think Gods are coming back now. Imagine being shouted at by a human after creating the universe. I am surprised they did not turn him into a nude statue.

  3. Amit, you certainly are the best blogger around – quite invincible I must say. As I was reading this, I could actually imagine a satirical play on stage and this is a perfect script for it..!!
    Well done!
    I especially enjoyed the telepathical dialogues and making them laugh moment.

    • Punam,
      Thank you for all the praise especially when I think that I am pretty average. 🙂
      Telepathy angle was added in the last moment. It just came to me. Thanks for liking it. 🙂

  4. Someone give me deliverance from Arnab. Oh my God, he is crazy! I don’t know why people come on his shows. I wish Gods had made him invisible or at least turned down his volume.

  5. Arnab vs the Gods ? Was there ever any doubt who’d win this … I’m only surprised he didn’t do the Razor’s Edge or Tombstone on any of them.. damn blank screens saved them 😀

  6. How come you missed the famous sentence – “the country is watching and they need an answer?? ” . hilarious and thought provoking..

  7. Arnab should switch to India TV. That’s the right channel for such drama!
    To think of it, my belief in God is weakening. Things are actually becoming worse and he is nowhere to be seen or felt. Hmmm!

  8. ok now that this one got published..let me try to recollect what I said 🙂
    OMG!!! bolne ke alava aur kuch nahi hoga, is desh mein!! Dear gods, go take rest and give rest to the rest of the gods too…ugh…had fun reading this, Amit 🙂

    • 😦 Your comment is not even in spam.
      Regarding the post, I guess Gods heard you and left midway. The guy was straining their nerves. 🙂
      Thanks Latha.

    • Haha! Yeah. Right! I am scared of crowds. I will have to probably wear a diaper during my show.
      And I am sure Arnab will gather a few ‘popes’ and demand an answer straightaway.

    • I guess we all commit mistakes and that include the Gods. 🙂 But I think they were very patient. I would have turned him into a goat.
      Thanks Corinne. 🙂

  9. Well, that was quintessential Arnab and his audience, that also happens to be Gods. No matter we are headed down the Great Central Black Hole. Meanwhile, you are the genius as ever! 🙂

  10. well, amit you haven’t included arnab’s signature words THE PEOPLE WANT TO KNOW! i always get a ringing sound in my ears after watching him even for 10 minutes. but you have got him spot-on!

    • I am sure I have left out a lot of signature words. The sheer number of such words is overwhelming. I wish he will publish a book soon that can be used as a reference.
      I must admit that I don’t watch his show regularly. The paint in my bedroom starts peeling off.
      Thanks MS for liking the post. 🙂

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