Results of the study of Rapes by KHAP – IIIIM

KHAP – IIIIM (The KHAP Institute of Insufferable Inane Immutable Men) is a premiere institute functioning in India ever since Adam and Eve reproduced without marrying. The institute was established with the sole purpose to put a check on the luscious & lascivious activities of young men and women of Haryana so that they do not repeat the mistakes of Adam and Eve. Over the years the KHAP IIIIM has established itself as an unparalleled institute that deals with a plethora of activities like organizing murders, beatings, boycotting, passing illegal ridiculous laws and carrying out research. The research wing of KHAP IIIIM has been a crown jewel of the institute which studies various issues around rapes – why they happen, how they happen and what preventive actions should be taken to reduce them.

Last month, after a series of 19 rapes happened in a span of 30 days in Haryana, KHAP IIIIM came into action and launched a new study to understand the sudden rush of testosterones in the men of Haryana. The initial reports around screening of ‘Jism 2’ last month were thumbed down.

The results of the study were shocking. A lull spread all over the nation. People gasped and rapists grumbled. Here are the top five reasons which a panel of 5 KHAP IIIIM members disclosed in a press conference:

5. Government apathy towards gay marriages

The study concluded that a prominent reason why men lurk on the roads of Haryana in search of an outlet is because of hazy laws towards gay amalgams. “A hole is all they want” – a senior KHAP IIIIM member stated. “When Hurricane Katrina struck America in 2005 and pictures of it came on internet, a lot of men took printouts and the rapes came down in the state that week” – another member clarified. KHAP IIIIM is of the view that if gay marriages are allowed in the state, it will drastically reduce the unfortunate incidents of rapes.

The Hurricane Katrina

4. Burgers and Chowmein

This was one of the most shocking revelations of the study. When the journalists questioned the members of the institute, they patiently explained the following scenario, which made perfect sense.

“Suppose, a group of bulges boys went to Mc Donald’s and while they waited for their burgers, they see a girl eating her Chicken Mc Grill and going mmmmm. She mmmmms again and again. Mmmmmmm Mmmmmmmm Mmmmmm. And then she gets raped. Now imagine an ice-cream cone in her hand or the Chowmein. Slurrrrp Slurrrrrrp Slurrrrrrpp. What can the boys do when the girls incite them like this?” – The KHAP IIIIM member explained.

* At this point, one of the members of KHAP IIIIM got up and left the room holding a folder near his trouser’s zipper*

Slurrrrrape!

3. Gurgaon

The study revealed that the creation of this 5 star mega slum city in Haryana was too much for the men of the state. Suddenly, there were women running around in spaghettis (which reminded the men of Chowmein) and shorts and skirts all over Gurgaon. The women were working in malls and pubs and call centers and software companies. They drank, they danced. It was too much for the Haryana male to bear. After all, his idea of a woman is someone who makes cow dung cakes and slaps them on a wall. He tore his hair in passion, ripped off his shirt and then bundled the girls in moving cars. “I wish we could raze this city to the ground and put a cluster of villages here. Those were the golden days.” – An eminent KHAP IIIIM member said with sadness in his eyes.

2. Pigeons

According to the study, there has been a flurry of pigeons in Haryana in the past decade which has turned the youth completely horny. With all that ‘gutargoo’ happening all day and pigeons flapping on each other doggy style and kissing with their beaks, who will not have desires? “We have sent a recommendation to the Haryana government to kill the pigeons in the state to stop rapes. This way, the police force will also have something to do. The government’s response has been positive.” – A KHAP IIIIM member explained.

Much too much kissing!

1. Despoina – the 5th moon of Neptune

According to the study, this has been the top reason for rapes in Haryana. In the primitive Greek myth, Poseidon saw Demeter, the Earth mother and desired her. To avoid him, she took her archaic form of a mare, but he took the form of a stallion and mated with her. From this union Demeter bore a daughter Despoina and a fabulous horse Arion (from wiki).

Despoina – the bane of mankind

When the KHAP IIIIM members explained this in the press conference, the journalists were perplexed. They could not understand the link. The KHAP IIIIM members exclaimed that they had no idea journalists were that dumb and collectively rolled their eyes.

During the question hour, one of the journalist proposed that maybe the study should have also looked into the possibility of including ‘mentally unstable men’ and ‘lazy law enforcement’ as a reason too. The members were furious and walked out stating – “How dare the press has the audacity to question the report?”

And so Despoina revolved around Neptune, oblivious to the fact that she had lead to a landslide of rapes in Haryana – a tiny piece of land on planet Earth. The Indian leadership is mulling over destroying Despoina with a nuclear device to tackle the problem.

[images from 1,2,3,4]

69 comments on “Results of the study of Rapes by KHAP – IIIIM

  1. And as I write this comment here, a young girl was gang-raped and then burnt, in West Bengal. She is still struggling for her life at a local hospital 😦

    I don’t know what else to say except that my blood boils. The rapists have become unstoppable, everywhere. And our corrupt government and cops will just watch all the drama unfold, enjoying the little anecdotes here and there.

  2. Amit one thing that has changed now is that the statements that these guys make are being heard by more of us 😦 And I am sure eventually this would lead to more people understanding how reliable their research and wisdom is… Chowmein!!!!

    • IHM,
      I think they really don’t care what we think about them. They have this life which is completely detached from the rest of us. Eventually, they are the kings of their domains and there is no one there to challenge them. Unless and until the state stands up against them and take a stand, there is no hope. Unfortunately, they are too precious a vote bank for the state to lose.

  3. they wont change… I am not joking. I was physically tired that day listening to the news – even before u can start saying ‘WTF’ to chowmein khap, you had Mamata saying that its cos men and women interact.. technically, I would said the opposite – its cause they dont interact that they feel the need to rape…but then u have a point with those lusty pigeons too… I’d ask you to send links to the Khaps… but well… Khaps and Internet ?? really ?

    • The problem is that there is no accountability. In any other country, such organisations would have been immediately banned or atleast given a warning.
      They don’t have internet but I am sure they have televisions and they are enjoying their 15 seconds of fame. They know that their village is their own domain and no one is going to touch them. They must be laughing at us too.
      Mamata Banerjee seems completely limelight hungry to me. She gets paraniod the moment camera is turned away from her.

  4. 😦 I have nothing to say honestly…its horrible to read the rape stories and it makes me so scared as a mother of a little child…its sad that I will need to raise my child in such an atmosphere 😦

    Honestly, this is one post of yours which didnt even make me laugh…It just saddened me so much because I know you are trying to bring out the truth 😦

    • I am glad that people are coming forward and reporting rapes. It will act as a deterrent for sometime. The next step is for the government to step in and punish the culprits and that is where it gets horribly wrong.
      It did not make me laugh either. It is ridiculous and sadly the truth. 😦

  5. What can you say when your own government cannot do anything to stop such horrible crimes in our country.
    Whenever there is a job option of moving to Delhi or somewhere in the North, my first reaction is a complete no. I cannot even imagine going and staying in North after reading about such incidents. It makes me feel scared 😦

    Your post was hilarious and definitely as ridiculous as the statements made by the KHAP :p

    • Exactly. No one cares. Whay aren’t the policemen who make stupid statements and blame the victims suspended? Why are the KHAPS not banned? How dare the politicians make such ridiculous statements and never questioned?

      Thanks Lazy Pineapple. I will not be surprised if they use my post for new ideas. 😦

      • What u read in some latest news that a 13 month baby girl was raped . Horrendous to even finish the article
        😦
        All these increasing crimes and the funny statements of khaps and leaders like mamata the country has gone to stray dogs ! Can’t help. If they can do nothing I wish they atleast shut the blabber

        • I agree. If the leaders cannot help, they can at least keep their mouth shut. That will be great help in itself. They really do not have to wag their tail the moment they see a media camera.

  6. after reading the post, i am just wondering did i do something wrong in writing the post” women thinking loud of sex”.. wont it mean that women too are desperate and just want physical relationship.. what would happen when women too start acting and start raping men.. both are crime.. then it would be an unsafe world for humans to live in..

    • There is nothing wrong in wanting a physical relationship as long as it is consensual. The problem is forcing yourself on someone and then the cultural bandwagon trying to save the criminal and blaming the victim.

  7. Those people are sadistically enjoying the uproar happening against them.When I watch some videos of them talking about their views,what I have felt is that the thought of women going independent and the thought of women enjoying the freedom/rights/assertiveness are making them hard to accept women as human beings.I have never felt that they are actually bothered about the safety of women.What they are bothered about is losing their control on women and her lives.
    It is just sadism and nothing else.

    • I too believe that. Unless and until someone goes ahead and tell them that they will be penalised or sent to jail for their anti-constitutional ‘laws’, they will only laugh at whatever we say.
      I don’t think they are bothered at all. There are enough idiots in those villages who have killed their family members for honour.

  8. Brilliantly written, Amit, as always. But, like RM, this post did not make me LOL. It made me extremely sad, because it is the truth. We live in a nation like this where rapes have become an everyday occurence, and then we have institutions like this bringing out such ridiculous research reports.

    Loved the ‘gutargoo part. 😀

    I was shocked when I read about the chowmein yesterday in the newspaper. Disgusting is the least I can say.

    PS: I wish we could raise this city to the ground? Shouldn’t it be ‘razed’ to the ground. Sorry, don’t want to be mean – this just caught my attention.

    • It was supposed to be a LOL post but it turned out to be completely UnLOL because now we have seen with our own eyes that the intelligence of our race just falls off some people. They treat intelligence and logic as lice and squash it between the two parts of their underdeveloped brain.
      PS : Thanks for pointing it out. Corrected. 🙂

    • I think they should be punished by making them serve in a Chinese outlet for a year. And they should be chained for that year so that they do not rape every customer.

  9. These people ate evil and rely on goondagardi to enforce their views. It sickens me. The law of the land does not apply on them. The police are in cahoots. It might be difficult for us to imagine the magnitude of their terror.

    • I agree. We cannot even imagine the trauma of people who have been at the receiving end because of these moral policemen. And the worse part is that we cannot do anything other than making fun of them or cursing them.

  10. A bunch of uneducated, mean old fogies with nothing better to do in their lives but issue archaic diktats. A mindset that will blame biscuits, weather, obscure planets – anything but the men for the shameful rapes! I pray to Bane to throw them all in the pit of hell.

    P.S The Desponia angle was a stroke of genius.

    • Sometimes I think I am dreaming. We can’t be that foolish!
      But then KHAPS are a reality, just like so many other ghastly realities of our world.

    • It is difficult to change people. You have an ego to cater to. Then there is an emphasis on the correctness of the life they are leading. I don’t have a problem with that but it is completely unacceptable when it starts affecting other humans. They are running a dictatorship regime and no one is stopping them.
      Thanks Deeps. 🙂

  11. Desponia….how did that occur 🙂

    I get to know the latest happenings in India, particularly civic and political through your writings. Not that I do not read the news, but the headlines itself make me cringe not to jump into it.

    So, a big thank you 🙂

    About the post, I found it hilarious as well as sad at the same time.

    • Desponia reminded me of desperation, which it seems is the current state of mind of the Khaps. And what can be more illogical? 🙂
      I read the HT epaper every day but it is an ordeal. It is like watching a Govinda/Salman/Akshay/Ajay movie. You have to leave your brain behind otherwise it will explode.
      You are welcome! 🙂 I will continue to undergo the torture of reading newspapers for my readers. 🙂

  12. very well articulated and wonderfully written. The pathetic sense of the khaps makes my blood pressure shoot up. Now that more and more people are ridiculing this moronic bunch there is hope. And yes I agree with purba the desponia angle was briliiant

    • Thanks Priya. I am very sure if I continue to live in this country, I either have to develop a very very thick skin or start taking medicines of high blood pressure.
      Priya, the problem is that the Khaps do not care if we ridicule them. It’s their village, their rules. We are just stupid city people who do not understand their way of life. They must be laughing at us.
      Thanks for liking the Desponia angle. 🙂
      PS Do you have a blog?

      • yes the khaps don’t care; no wonder all rationale thinking and sensitivity is out of their coverage area. You have a way with words amit and are spot on the issues you ramble about. Way to go. P.S I blog – 2 different ones at that ( a food blog & a travel/book blog (read personal ramblings) .

  13. Hi Amit,
    Such harsh realities these are, can I share this on FB ?
    This post brings out the amount of stupidity that governs the actions of Khaps…. I still wonder how does the government let such insane institutions run in a democracy….Wonderful Post!!!!

    • Thanks glimpsesandglances. Yes, you are most welcome to share it.
      I believe that if the IQ of all the Khap leaders is tested, the results will be chowmein-ishly shocking.

  14. Ya the Khaps are so right. Afterall their conclusions are based on extensive researches on “effects of chowmein on Human Hormones”.. no wonder people reported seeing Govindhachami eating chowmein before raping and murdering soumya.. and the revealing dress she wore, exposing her arms, feet , neck and face… and yes ‘a hole’ is all they want, so dead bodies, infants, skin & bones grannys are raped. And yes girls should be married immediately after birth.16 is way too old with 3yr old, 4 yr old kids being raped. And what about those married, middle aged women being raped.. hmm..oh yes revealing clothes like sari, salwar.. and chowmein the rapist ate should be the villians.
    Seriously Amit, Very apt post, everything from chowmein to Desponia are at fault, but not the men.
    By the way, is it that the no. of rapes have increased or just that no. of rapes reported have increased? Rapes happened even before chowmeins and bikinis came to India, only that women have grown stronger enough to report it now.

    • Thanks Seena and I completely agree with all your anger. If it would have been up to me, I would have publicly flogged all such people.
      For you last question, I think both the factors are true. I haven’t seen the statistics but it seems that men are becoming more and more desperate in our country.

  15. goodness. I have heard enough..
    I have seen some Indian men here in Czech Republic who are of the same old chauvinistic nature and most Indian women seems to get along with such men (shame on them as well). When I see this, just schooling with degrees for such sycophantic men are not enough!
    Sick feeling really!!

    • I think we have to patiently wait for a certain section of men to wither away and die for the world to be cleansed of their deeds and thoughts. But yes, while they are alive the least we can do is showing our middle finger to them.

  16. “KHAP – IIIIM (The KHAP Institute of Insufferable Inane Immutable Men) is a premiere institute functioning in India ever since Adam and Eve reproduced without marrying.”

    ROFL!!!!

    amazing post Amit .. !

    but sad story of haryana’s Khaap groups .. we say we are in 21st century but things like Khaap retreat us back to our old orthodox ideology .. how parochial we are in our thinking even today and we still call ourselves developed third world nations and booming power of the 21st century .. sad !

    • Thanks Rahul.
      I would have been happy if there was a clear demarcation between the progressive and regressive sects of our society. Then I would have simply waited for all the Khap members to get over with their lives. Unfortunately, the germ has been passed to the next generation as well. I have a solution for this which I shall be elaborating in another post. 🙂

  17. Dear Sir,

    We are indebted to you for bringing out the results of the study conducted by the redoubtable IIIIM Khap. Gugaon, pigeons, burgers, chowmein and -God forbid, who could have thought of Desponia, are destroying this nation! We will wait for further revelations.

    Yours faithfully,

    Reader

    • Dear Reader,
      The results of the study were so intriguing that they had to be shared. Chowmein had already been shared on national media but the rest of the reasons were somehow sidelined. It was my duty to give them their due importance.
      Thank you for your support.

    • I read the link. It takes a very civilized view of the Khaps. No one says this but Khaps have always been associated with honor killings. There are hundreds of instances when they have ordered murders of couples of different communities who have dared to fall in love.
      At a time, Rajasthan too had its fair share of Khaps but the state took measures and now they are non-existent. But Haryana and U.P. somehow love to be regressive.

    • They are precious vote banks. And who care about a few murders and rapes in India? As there are casualties in war, there are casualties in corruption. Chalta hai!

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