The Tagliatelle Khichdi of India

The Contestants

In a special Disasterchef India episode last week, Amitabh Bachpan was asked to host the show because he was still a hot dish after 70 years of existence. He graciously accepted because Abhishek is completely out of work and Aishwarya is busy burping the baby.

“Swagat! Swagat! Swagat! To all of you in this special episode of Kaun Banega Crore….”

“Cut!!!!!”

“Oh Sorry! Senile decay! Swagat! Swagat! Swagat! To all of you in this special episode of Disasterchef India. All the contestants must be really happy to be in the top 10. Today, you have to make something special. All of you have to create a single dish as a team. As they say, too many cooks spoil the broth, but you have to prove this wrong. Please welcome our guest, the chef of chefs, the lady who has swirled expensive dishes one after another, the one and only, Sonia Gobhi!”

At this point, one of the contestants, Robert Vadapav, started jumping with joy and clapped his hands like a little girl who has just located an ice-candy man. The shooting stopped and everyone stared at him, including another contestant Rahul Gobhi, whom everyone suspected, was related to Sonia Gobhi.

“Jija G, stop clapping. Everyone is staring,” he said in Robert’s ear.

I wish I had a wire cutter right now. I would have given this Robert a nice switch on the butt,” Arvind Kajuwala, another contestant muttered under his breath.

“Calm down! Calm down! Sonia G, can you please let us know what the dish is all about?”

“Ahhh! Surrrrre. It is my interrrrrrrprrrrrretation of a Khichdi in an Italian style. I call it – the Tagliatelle Khichdi of India.” At this point Sonia removed the cover of the dish to show her masterpiece.

“Oh sweet Jesus!” contestant Batata Ramdev gasped.

“She would not have cooked such a horrible looking dish if she would have been married at the age of 16,” Om Paneer Chautala, the fifth contestant remarked.

“Oye! Stop your Khapsense!” Robert roared. He got so angry that he was up on the table and tore off his shirt showing his eight pack abs. A bundle of 1000 Rs notes fell off his stomach and landed in the Tagliatelle Khichdi of India.

“Oopsie!” he said.

The government is working towards punishing bribery in the private sector. This act will come under that,” Manmohan Soup, contestant number six said.

“He was not bribing anyone! And you are not supposed to speak until ordered!” Rahul Gobhi barked.

“OK!!! Tasting time! Contestants please taste the dish. Then you will have 15 minutes to discuss about dividing responsibilities and then all ten of you will have to create only a single potion of the dish. You will be marked on your teamwork,” Mr. Bachpan said.

Everyone jumped on the Tagliatelle Khichdi of India like starving villagers and then ended up running in random directions and spitting out the dish all over the set.

Can I go to the temple toilet? I think I am going to throw up,” JaiRajma Ramesh, contestant number seven said.

“The Tagliatelle is too long. We should cut it with a wire cutter and I have proof that this Robert brought this money to bribe the producers of this show,” Arvind Kajuwala said.

Mindless negativity over corruption cannot stop corruption,” Manmohan Soup said. Rahul rolled his eye and pressed a button behind his neck. Soup went still.

“I knew that! I knew that! He is a robot! He is a robot!” Narendra Malai, contestant number eight, jumped with joy and switched on the button. Rahul glared at him.

After spitting the dish, Batata Ramdev immediately started Kapaalbhati to cleanse himself.

“Your 15 minutes start now!” Amitabh Bachpan said as things went out of control.

Virat Kulfi and Mamta Bhurji, contestant number nine and ten, who have been mute spectators earlier were in a very bad state after tasting the dish. Virat was about to sue the producers for delaying his 1.5 crores for his appearance on the show and food poisoning. Mamta Bhurji hollered about not supporting the dish.

As the fifteen minutes allocated for discussions passed, the chaos grew.

“I will not boil Tagliatelle!!” Virat Kulfi said.

“He is a robot! He is a robot!” Narendra Malai shrieked.

“Jija G, is this salt?” Rahul Gobhi inquired.

“Ask mommy,” Manmohan Soup suggested.

“While doing Anulom Vilom, you have to suck it like this,” Batata Ramdev taught.

“It?” Mamta Bhurji asked mischievously.

“Air!!! Suck air!!!” JaiRajma Ramesh explained with a shocked expression.

She should have been married at 16 as well,” Om Paneer Chautala exclaimed looking at Mamta Bhurji.

Khap-ist!” she shrieked.

“You will boil the Tagliatelle!” Robert Vadapav bellowed, pointing a finger at Arvind Kajuwala.

“I will cut your nose with a wire cutter!” Arvind Kajuwala bellowed back.

“He is a robot! He is a robot!” Narendra Malai shrieked again and switched Manmohan Soup on and off.

By the time the 15 minutes were over, the Tagliatelle Khichdi of India was flying in the air, landing on contestants amidst punches, ripping clothes and hair pulling activities. Virat Kulfi was bleeding blue.

“I have never seen so much unprofessionalism!!!” Amitabh Bachpan said as he walked out.

Sonia Gobhi followed him but not before hiding the bundle of 1000 Rs notes dripped in her dish under her sari and waving at the fighting contestants with a bright smile.

The episode was never aired.

[images from 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,11,12]

52 comments on “The Tagliatelle Khichdi of India

  1. 😆 Wow! what a khichdi mixing up the gory facts of these country-cooking disasterchefs. We would have been a lucky country if all these crazy people and their nation destroying policies too could have been boxed like the episode and never aired 😦
    Very well written Amit 🙂

    • Thanks My Era. 🙂
      Yes I wish that the mud slinging matches would stop and people would do what they are paid to do. But I know that the world will work as a well oiled machine the day pigs will fly. Fingers crossed.

  2. You should be booked under Prevention of Riots act for causing such a laugh riot.
    Btw, isn’t risotto, khichdi minus the spices? Someone should give this tip to Mrs Gobhi. And someone should wrest the remote control out of her hands.

    Bahut ho gaya jee. Or as Mamata would have said – cholbe na, cholbe na.

    • I am fine with being booked and confined as long as they provide me with wifi. 🙂
      Yes, if you are taking a vegetable based broth, Risotto is almost a very bland Khichdi.
      I don’t know whether to laugh or cry on the present political scenario. God knows where we are heading.

  3. It needs a background score before we can release it as a proper theatre play – may I suggest initial notes from The Godfather theme, rapidly descending towards the end into a typical Slapstick routine background 😀

    wHAT names ! Wah wah ! ultimate post man !

    • For the Slapstick routine, we can use parts from – pappa to band bajaye from Housefull 2. We can use the Duck music from it, the one in which all the four heroes walk like ducks in a line. I think the Tagliatelle fight and the Kapaalbhati sequence will go well with it. 🙂
      Thanks man. 🙂

  4. ha ha ha ha..
    I’m rolling on the floor..I’m holding my stomach and laughing..
    best political satire I have read recently..
    Why don’t you ask any of the street play or theater group to take this up for a play?

  5. hahahaha .. just can’t stop laughing ..

    recently read on facebook rahul gandhi saying to sonia gandhi, “maa, first CWG, then 3G, then 2G, and now Jija G????”

    loved this post of yours !

      • I meant that as a question but hit submit before I could rephrase it. He doesn’t seem to be getting as much support as one would expect him to get, and he is still trudging along. Some courage, some convictions. Why do you think isn’t he getting more support?

        • IHM, I think the nation did put all its support behind Anna last year. What happened last year was amazing because none of us believed that we were still capable of raising our voices to such an extend. The biggest mistake was to end the struggle without reaching a definite conclusive end.
          It will take some effort to reach the same cresendo because people think it won’t work this time either.

  6. Did you get this as a dream by any chance? Amit, you are wickedly humorous to the core. The names itself are hilarious.. 🙂 Unfortunately, that’s the state of affairs in our country. Except for feeling sympathy, I don’t think it will change in any way. good one Amit.

    • No, no. 🙂 No dreams this time.
      Thanks Latha. 🙂
      I have hopes that things will change. They are changing. Maybe not in out lifetime, but they will change.

  7. Haha, you are a genius. The politicoes might want the ripples back under the(ir) surface but for the rest of us, this turmoil has given us hope. Who knows what it will turn up but as long as we are united the prognosis is looking good for India and ordinary Indians.

    • Thanks. 🙂
      I am really hopeful by the way things stand today. It is not very easy to siphon off money nowadays. People and press are on your throat in a second. Look at what happened to Robert Vadra. He thought that he will live happily ever after but then was all the humiliation worth it?

  8. Oh what a satire! Sadly the mango people are forced to gulp down this strange concoction without a choice. Hopefully the recipe, rather the chefs would improve soon! One question, how could Mamta Bhurjee be silent for so long?!

    • Thanks Sreetama. 🙂
      The chefs have to improve. There is no other go. 🙂
      Mamta Bhurji was silent because she was weighing her options for winning the contest.

  9. So, I was saying: I am Arvind Khjuwala, and I have two questions for you, you answer that and then we will see:
    1st question: how do you write so humorously
    2nd question is : why you did not bring in Arnab poswami in the picture again asking 3 questions?
    Well written, I thoroughly enjoyed it!

    • Hi Rama ananth. Welcome to my blog. 🙂
      I have a bit of a wild imagination which has been going out of control lately.
      Arnab? Well, maybe I will add him in a sequel. 🙂
      Thanks for liking the post. 🙂

  10. “The shooting stopped and everyone stared at him, including another contestant Rahul Gobhi, whom everyone suspected, was related to Sonia Gobhi.”

    What do you mean by Suspected …..rolling in laughter sauce

So, you were saying?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s