Hell material

So the thing is that I died and stood somewhere between the gates of heaven and hell, with Chitragupta looking at me and opening up his magical books in which he keeps tab of all your sins down to the last cockroach you flushed down the commode for fun.

“Creature, you have to go to hell,” he said giving me a go-on-and-don’t-waste-my-time look.

“Excusez-moi?!?” I said. I looked around believing that he might be talking to a cow soul who was following me on my way up.

It was then that the clouds parted and Yamaraj descended like a feather from the upper floor of the floating city.

“What’s all this brouhaha?” he said raising an eyebrow at Chitragupta.

“The creature refuses to go to hell.’

‘And why is that so?’ Yamaraj said as he brought his huge nose sitting on a neglected garden of a moustache close to my face.

“What sins have I committed? Why am I sentenced to hell?” I said squeaking like a mouse.

Yamaraj told me that he was not supposed to give reasons and follow the protocols, which he admitted, have been changed in the last few centuries. I argued for more clarity but he was adamant. I stood my ground. This went on till eternity.

Suddenly the clouds parted again and a light shone through.

“YAMA! If you cannot do your bloody work of kicking creatures towards heaven and hell properly, let me know. I will replace you with Rajnikant. The next time you disturb my beauty sleep by your clamour, it will reflect in your yearly report card,” God thundered.

Yama shrank a foot and Chitragupta hid behind his tome. The spotlight moved on me.

“What is your problem creature?” it bellowed as it intensified.

“I am a human!” I said. Frankly I was disturbed beyond words to be addressed like a mosquito.

“Everyone is a creature here. You are not different from a cockroach in my eyes. It took me an awful lot of God hours to create both of you.”

“Surely humans are more complex to create?” I suggested.

“Do you fly?”


“Do you have antennas?”


“Can you squeeze through cracks?”


“So there. A cockroach can do things you can’t do. Stop swathing in your false idea of supremacy, stop wasting my time and tell me your problem.”

I patiently repeated everything that I had patiently told Yamaraj. God laughed. It was like a mini earthquake. The spotlight shook.

“Have you killed anyone for me?” he asked.

“Excusez-moi?!?” I said.

The clouds grew darker. I was scared and close to wetting my Ariel white robe.

“No,” I said, now sure that God was not very good at French.

“Have you raped a woman in my name?”

“Holy moly. No.”

“Did you behead a man? Cut him to pieces? Did you kill people with guns for me? Did you explode yourself in a crowded market? Did you fly a plane in a building? Did you smash children on a wall? Did you torch a train screaming my name?”

“No. And that is why…”

“…you should go to hell,” God completed the sentence for me.

Stunned silence. I was sure I have landed in the wrong place – some sort of alternate villainous heaven-hell-swap reality.

“You see creature, I changed the rules a few centuries back. I realised that love would not make you remember me. If all the creatures cuddled and played ring-a-ring-a-roses, then I, their bloody creator, would vanish into oblivion.”

“But you sent prophets, avatars, your own son, messiah to teach us to love you and each other.”

“THAT was a mistake,” the clouds grew dark again and there were distinct sounds of thunder. Yamaraj motioned me to shut the fu*k up.

“But people are waiting for you to make a comeback.”


I wanted to tell God that he was bordering self-blasphemy but I kept quiet.

“And after that I have sent more messengers of destruction than I could possibly accommodate in my office hours, I have instigated creatures to kill each other, to destroy themselves. Somehow, the fact that humans have multiple religions and brain of the size of a peanut helped me in my cause. People remember me more than ever. My name is a money-making machine, which gives me such a high. And since you have not done anything to keep my name alive other than maybe remembering me when the hour was dire, YOU are hell material,” God said as I stood transfixed in the spotlight.

“I have killed ants!” I said as I saw my inevitable doom looming large.

“2,34,453 to be precise,” Chitragupta said looking in his book.

“So many? Who are you? Hitler?” God roared, laughing at his own joke.

“It was an accident.”

And so I was sentenced to hell for not doing anything to glorify God and sitting on my ass all my life. Chitragupta assured me that I would be comfortable there as hell was half empty. It was heaven which was overburdened.

“Bad God. Bad Bad God,” I muttered as I moved towards the gates of hell.

The spotlight which had almost left me was suddenly upon me.

“I heard that,” God said.

“Doesn’t matter. I am already off to hell,” I said.

[images from here]

53 comments on “Hell material

    • If I cared I would not have written it.
      Religious fanatics must be really happy now as God has taken it to another level. We are killing people for making movies and uploading pictures on Facebook now.

    • Thanks IHM. It is disturbing how we have started killing people for making movies and putting pictures on Facebook. I am sure all the orders come from above.

    • I think God put this in my mind himself. He just wanted to laugh at us that even if he conveys his real motives to us, we do not have the brains to get it. 🙂

        • Chitragupta was telling me that they have removed boilers from hell. Since the people who go to hell nowadays are usually lazybones like us, they have replaced the boil-in-oil punishment with scrub-the-floor, clean-the-utensils, wash-the-clothes routines. They are even showing movies on Fridays. Its like any other normal jail now.
          But, yes naan is a good idea.

  1. How, I repeat, HOW on earth do you come up with such brilliant themes??? 😀
    Please take a bow, champ!

    Somehow, the fact that humans have multiple religions and brain of the size of a peanut helped me in my cause.
    Hahaha…talking about hitting the nail on the head 😛

    BTW, did you come to know? This time’s Ganpati visargan in Mumbai was the loudest it seems… with all the dhol and drums and whatever else. 🙄

  2. Maybe humour is the way to get through to people working towards these brownie points with god after all. You make a great point and very eloquently at that. 🙂

    • Carvaka,
      The only way to get through people working towards brownie points is to wait patiently while they get old and die. 🙂
      Thanks for liking the post.

  3. I fully agree to your hypothesis.
    I loved the way God didn’t grant you permission to stay in heaven even when he found out that you’d killed 2,34,453 ants and not even one human in His name 😀
    Loved the narration 🙂

  4. It seems to me that this must be the kind of God existing. With all the things that I see happening around me in the name of religion, my faith in all things Godly and religion have long vanished. Very well written post. Brings out the despair beautifully.

    • My thoughts Rachna. Things are going from bad to worse. Things are not happening on a world war scale but the tensions are escalating year after year.
      Thanks for liking the post.

      • I believe religion is the biggest and the most profitable scam ever invented and most successfully executed. Can you imagine a bigger enterprise where people spend their energies placating a fictitious deity and hardly doing anything for living beings. Yes, we are sitting on a ticking bomb; you are absolutely right about that!

  5. Hey, I loved the satire but felt the angst underlying it. It certainly makes one wonder at the kind of violence and killing we practice in the name of God. Aren’t we great at distorting everything to suit our ends, even religion?

    • I believe religion was invented for the very reason – to keep people in control.
      And how can killing someone for your God does not shame you in his eyes? I fail to understand this.

  6. God invented humans, Humans invented Religions and Religions invented more Gods..:D
    Such a sad state.

    On the other hand, I have my own theory. Long long ago when there was no religion, all humans would have been very loving and caring for each other. Pretty soon they would have got bored and some dude(I’m pretty sure it would have been a man) would have said, “Aaj kuch toofani karte hain”.;-) And they invented Religion. It was never the same again..:-/

    • I think a lot of men (not a single dude) had that – “Aaj kuch toofani karte hain” feeling. That is how we created so many toofani religions.

  7. I hope that this period of god’s self obsession passes quicker than my time runs out.
    Nah, I might probably say, “Ah! it is so much better in here than Earth!” I think Earth is comparable to Hell. What difference does it make if we are in Hell and are simply conscious about it?

    • Su,
      I have started to believe that God has nothing much to do with what happens on Earth. Yes, there is a power but it is too great to poke his nose in the everyday affair of a race which is hardly out of its diapers.
      Frankly, I do not believe in heaven and hell and I also do not believe that every wrongdoing gets punished. It is all in our head.

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