Indian men are notorious for their fondling fervour all over the world but I think it is unfair not to have a look at our other passions and obsessions and then make an informed decision. So, here is a countdown to the top 10 obsessions of an average Indian male.
You thought that would be on the number one spot? Now that is where an Indian female is deceived into believing that cricket is our only true obsession. In reality, it is only a diversion. Yes, we love the game. How can anyone ignore such a classic where 11 men run after a ball as if it is a drunk woman who has just stepped out of a pub with molest-me written all over her. There is a whole science behind how to hit the ball, how to rotate it and how to jump to catch it and land on a pigeon. There are shields on the body of the batsman which will put a medieval warrior to shame. There is even a shield to save his balls from the ball! The game is like a religion, as if we do not have enough of them already.
Ever since an Indian male is born he is taught two things – To ruthlessly win the race & always suppress the weak. A lot of us end up being a complete loser and are not able to fulfil our glorious destinies. Result – we honk. It allows us to be ruthless and leads to traffic jams disappear miraculously. It allows us to pester pedestrians and rickshaw-pullers which lead us to fulfil our suppress-the-weak destiny. We derive gratification from such acts in our otherwise good-for-nothing life.
Another virtue which is imbibed in Indian males is to flaunt their manliness at the drop of a pant hat. We do it by opening the top four buttons of our shirts and displaying our lush gardens to the world. We compare the degree of our manliness by comparing the abundance of our black forests. To make the fertile lands look more gorgeous, we add gold chains and lockets of Gods who hang helplessly from our necks and end up cursing the day they decided to pull humans out of water and add them to the list of mammals.
It is a myth that men don’t bitch and Indian men take it to another level. We have left Lalita Pawar-ish aunties behind in bitching and plotting. We tend to gossip like two vamps in a Balaji Telefilms soap with malevolent intentions. A majority of us bitch about our wives and bosses, which clearly shows that the second childhood lesson (refer obsession number 9) about suppressing someone who we think is weak does not apply to these two categories.
Indian men cannot complete a sentence without remembering the Maa (Mothers) and Behens (sisters) of their entire neighbourhood. The habit is so deeply engrained in us that we sometimes slip out the expletives in front of our family. Sometimes when there is a fight on the road when we overtake a car from the wrong side and get a scratch on our bike, we swear with decibels well above the human hearing capabilities and make all the bats in the area fly for their lives.
It is hard to separate the Indian male from momma’s lap even when he is 50. There have been loony cases where the man allowed his mother to buy his underwear even after he was married because she might have gone into depression if he would have snatched away her only source of entertainment. There are cases where men aspire for their wives to be a photocopy of their mother and keep haranguing the poor soul for the rest of her life. She can never cook like mommy dearest and neither is a good mother like momma. What about kicking and slapping the guy like mommy used to do when he misbehaved in school, you may ask? Well, some men do get a taste of that before they come to their senses.
Although the rest of the world has stopped calling porn as blue films in 1523, Indian men still use the code word for surreptitious and euphemistic purposes. In a recent study, it was noted that Indian and Pakistani men lead the male community in googling the word ‘Sex’ on the internet. Since in India we are demarcated from girls as if the species are supposed to live across borders with a 40 feet fence in-between, we resort to virtual fantasies. A majority of us end up having distorted versions of how the blue activity would be like in real life after we watch Caucasian men and women indulge in gymnastics. A few of us have a fetish for Indian blue cinema which is basically male and female ball-shaped bodies bouncing off each other.
Now I have discussed at length the fascination of Indian men with virgin girlfriends/wives here. In addition to the women in their lives with a mandatory virginity halo on their heads, the females should be able to cook like their mothers (refer obsession number 5). A few years back a colleague provided a *facepalm* moment when he told me with a puffed hairy chest that his mother interviewed a prospective bride on her culinary skills for an hour dwelling into in-depth analysis of the proportion of water, flour and sugar required to make halwa. Well, who does not like a virgin wife who can put a Master chef-ish dinner on the table? If you require more pointers, read Dr. Titus’s fabulous post in a top daily, where he talks about the importance of making sure that the weight of each of the breasts of your prospective bride should match to exactly two decimal places, which brings me to obsession number 2.
An average Indian male cannot see beyond a pair of breasts. We usually talk to them and respectfully treat them as a separate entity which has very less to do with the female attached to them. Usually they do not talk back and we get confused by the female voice emancipating from a few inches above them. It is then that Indian men realize that the breasts were not hanging in mid-air on their own but someone was actually carrying them. Our other ogling areas are buttocks and cheeks, basically anything on a female body that comes in a pair and is round. It is not our fault. We are sexually oppressed psychopaths who are not allowed to talk to a girl till we are married.
That ladies and gentlemen, is the top obsession of the Indian male. Give him a wall and he will approach it like a dog. Of course he will not stick his right leg in the air while watering the wall because he is supposed to maintain certain level of decency. I firmly believe that if we bundle a lot of men in a few trucks and take them to any drought affected areas, we could use them to water a few fields. And ever since Agnivesh Ji has confessed that drinking your own pee is good for health, we won’t mind eating peas grown from pee, would we? Please do not blame us. Our bladders are not developed enough to hold the liquid for such a long time because we were never potty trained by momma.
Do you see now? We are not that bad.