The delusional Indian

Read the first two post in the series here –

The Horny Indian

The Sentimental Indian

Delusions are like silicon implanted breasts. The problem with artificially enlarging your non-existing asset is that even though the perfectness will make you feel good about yourself, everyone you meet will have one look at your breasts and would instantly know that you have been physically photoshopped. And add to it the constant realization that will hammer your conscience; that will whisper in your ears, reminding you that they are not real, that it is only a delusion to keep yourself thrilled.

Indians love to marinate themselves in multiple layers of delusions. It’s almost as if we are afraid of reality, as if we have to cover ourselves in a thousand drapes so that we are unable to breathe in the crudity around us. Here are a few glorious examples.

Parliament is supreme

This sentence came when a single, old man got up and said – Enough! It did not come when CWG or 2G scams happened. The parliament did not get up and flaunt its supremacy to punish the culprits and bring all the stolen money back. It did that by forcing the old man into a jail. What good is the delusion of supremacy when the spell does not work on the people you rule, when they look at you with disdain? The fact that the parliament has to remind people that it is supreme says a lot, doesn’t it?

Sita-ness of Women

The fact that the High Court judge was still in the delusion that this is Satyug was emphasised when he asked all married women to behave like Sita and all men to behave like Duryodhana. Ok, he didn’t say the last bit. Somehow I am sure that if Sita was doing a job and was earning more than Ram and was born in Kalyug and was asked to leave everything to follow him, she would have shown him the middle finger.

See that is the problem with delusions. You even forget what century it is.

All saintly, all white

All Politicians are Mother Teresa, doctors have ever broken the three oaths, KHAPS are there to help villagers in rainwater harvesting, lawyers never help the criminals to go scott free, police will froth at your plight and vow to avenge you. In India, every professional believes in the delusional purity of its community. It’s basically similar to denying your breast implants even when someone gets hold of a copy of the video of your implant operation. It’s morphed – you tell him. 

Rape culture in Kamasutra land

Anything western invites rape – A woman wearing jeans, a woman in a pub, a one year old sleeping peacefully in her bed, a ninety year old granny, a coma patient, a woman in Burkha. Although I am not sure what is western in the last four situations but I am sure our delusional and deranged rapists and their supporters can come up with a theory. Also, I am not sure wearing jeans and being in pub in the land of Kamasutra should invite rape. Don’t we have nude men and women depicted copulating on temple walls and caves in India? When we were decorating those caves with sexual positions, Western civilization was probably sucking its thumb and shitting in its diaper. Western civilization must be baffled by this ingenious idea of blaming them to cover up the holes in our own victim blaming culture.

Implants Indian shining

Somehow the shine is not reaching the common man, who it seems, is like a shoe polish. Our great nation uses this shoe polish to shine our country’s growth rate but in the end, the shoe polish is neglected, throw somewhere in a corner. Of course, we get to see those India Shining adverts where thrilled-to-bits white men visit our great nation and sit on elephants and run on garbage filled beaches, but then you have to create some delusions to make the shoe polish common man feel good about himself.

India is also shining in the Swiss Banks. Imagine 12,740 crores of black money raining on the Swiss prostitutes banks while more than one-third of the shoe polish population is below poverty line.

Gods loves gold

Shirdi Sai Baba was a fakir. Now imagine if he descends in one of his swanky temples and see himself sitting on a golden throne and wearing a  gold-plated crown, he will be too shocked to speak for a month. If we ever carry out a survey of the top ten acts of human stupidity in recent times, the delusion of burying our gods in gold for our better life will win hands down. In the act of appeasing God, we Indians delusively take him for a human. What better insult?

Bollywood – Making you dumb since 1912

Escapist cinema is another form of delusion. It turns Indians obtuse in the name of entertaining them. Such movies not only enthrall us, they also make money and make us dumb enough in the process to lap up incredibly crappy one-liners, buffoonery and naked long legs. But we deserve the breast implants movies we get. They represent a delusion we would like ourselves to be lost in, far away from the maddening realities of life. Its the least an shoe polish Indian can ask for.

Accidents happen only to others

The delusion that Gods will save them (as we pour so much money and gold on them) lead Indians to believe that nothing will happen to them. Despite the fact that 5 lakh road accidents happen in India every year and more than 1.25 lakh people are killed, the faith Indians show in their driving skills equals that of Spartans in their battle skills. Delusional Indians treat roads as battle grounds. The only thing missing is a few missile launchers.

Delusion is a drug which should be taken in very small doses so that the reality is always at the horizon. Indians, seem to have taken an overdose and are now disgustingly delirious in La La Land. Lets hope that the rabbit hole does not end in a dead end.

[images from 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6]

37 comments on “The delusional Indian

  1. A nation is a society united by a delusion about its ancestry and by common hatred of its neighbours. ~William R. Inge
    Dont agree with all saintly all white delusion though.

  2. loved the first one on the politicians..I actually laughed aloud

    and the one about God! thats something my Appa has always maintained…I have nothing against God, its the rituals that scare me 🙂

    Okie one question – Dont people watch movies to ‘forget’ the problems..I mean its entertainment cant it be delusional?? just wondering…

    • Thanks R’s Mom.
      Yes, I too have this huge problem with rituals and the kind of money we waste on all the tamasha. go to see the movie to appreciate the art of movie making, to hear a voice through the process of story telling and to applaud good meaningful cinema. 🙂 Sadly, a very few Bollywood film makers know what all this means.

      • ahhaha! Okie, I think the way you describe movie seeing is much better than my thought process 🙂 Thanks for teaching me this one 🙂

        Errr…so one more question (dont ban me okie?) what according to you has been meaningful cinema in the past few years? *I must admit, I hardly watch movies, I prefer American romantic comedies (shows my brain development?), hate movies with sad endings, cry when that happens and I am not trying to get into an argument with you or anything, just asking*

        • Hehe! My pleasure!
          Why should I ban you?! Hahaha!
          I know a lot of people do not like a certain kind of cinema. I do not relate to escapist movies but I am pretty ok with the rest of them.
          If you ask me about the Bollywood movies released this year, I think Kahani, Paan Singh Tomar and Vicky Donor were great. I enjoy this kind of cinema. They were entertaining without giving me a headache. I absolutely hate movies like Bodyguard, Dabangg, Ready, Houseful and Rowdy Rathore. I am not saying they are bad, they are just bad for me. 🙂 They are huge hits so people definitely love them. 🙂
          From the Hollywood movies which came last year, I loved War Horse, The Descendants, Hugo, Moneyball and the Girl with the Dragon Tattoo.
          And American Romantic movies are great. Can never forget My best friend’s wedding, My big fat Greek Wedding, Pretty woman, French Kiss…its a long list. 🙂

          • I guess that’s what make movies like Kahani, Paan singh tomar, vicky donor etc. so good. They are a rare breed….and difficult to create and execute.

            Mass masala movies can be found a dime a dozen. The idea is to leave your brain at home. I guess it’s ok…. a certain bunch of audience loves it. Whatever works! *shrugs*

            • I am sure that in a few years such movies will become the norm. More and more directors are turning to light and meaningful cinema.
              And the concept of leaving brain at home is something I still have to understand. 🙂

  3. I have read the news, married women should behave like Sita. I can’t behave the judge actually said that. Perhaps he was high 😉

    “In the act of appeasing Gods, we Indians delusively take him for a human. What better insult?” This line was a classic 🙂

  4. dangerous to read your blog while on a public transport..has me rotfl and getting crazy looks from others…but what the heck! One more brilliantly insightfull post couched in humor….every word is true….the sai baba bit is something I have often debated with my mom too….good writing and observations, Amit!

  5. somewhere along the couse of History, Indians became so accustomed to being targetted by shit, that most of them still strive only to get themselves out of it. we should have, at the least, started cleaning this shit when it is hurled, instead of running away from it. now, after centuries of playing catch-up, all shit has come/is coming/will come to India, and there is so much shit here now, that we are hurling it at each other. The delusion which i find about all this is is that we’ve started to believe that hurling, as opposed to cleaning, is our priority here. Those who are intelligent have either left the country, or hiring people to do the job for them. How derogative can it get than this? the average “aam-aadmi” Indian should come out of his delusive vision about the “Greatness of India” which was handed down through generations of foolishly complacent Indians out-performing their predecessors’ incompetence, clean the shit and be a polish put to good use.

    PS:I wonder when was the time when India was as described in “A Wonder that was India”

  6. Agree with each one. And Bollywood movies… in fact all of these, whether or not they intend to, do leave a message, if nothing more, then they reinforce some of these delusions and continue the cycle of strengthening the delusions.

    • Yes, absolutely. Bollywood movies can bring a change in how our society thinks. Sometimes keeping people delusional is profitable and that is where the problem lies. Hiding a problem is easier than solving it.

  7. few months back some politician donated few kilos of gold to a temple. all news channels showed it as an act of charity but no one raised a question about the source of this fund.

    and about girls getting molested and raped in the name of saving indian culture? don’t know what to say. and when some of these politicians condemn this act, they say – it was not right, rape is not there in our culture. how stupid and dumb people can get, and they decide things for us.

    • Yeah, I heard about that one. I find donating gold to a temple very very stupid.
      Sometimes I think, Spiderman’s uncle was wrong. With great power comes great stupidity.

  8. Hope we don’t dismiss those monumental problems simply because we keep reading about them. IAC was (could still be) definitely India Shining. As for your bootpolishwalla’s company name, what a stroke of genius.

    • Hopefully we will not. There is definitely changes in the way we think now. Of course, there is a long way to go but yes IAC somehow was an affirmation that we still have it in us to take up mass protests.
      Yesterday, there was this huge protest in NCR as there are unbearable power cuts. Ha! India Shining again! What kind of a country develop cities without thinking about the basic aminities first?

  9. How’s this for GRAND delusion!

    Companies ruined or almost ruined by imported Indian labor

    Adaptec – Indian CEO Subramanian Sundaresh fired.
    AIG (signed outsourcing deal in 2007 in Europe with Accenture Indian frauds, collapsed in 2009)
    AirBus (Qantas plane plunged 650 feet injuring passengers when its computer system written by India disengaged the auto-pilot).
    Apple – R&D CLOSED in India in 2006.
    Apple – Indian national and former Goldman Sachs board member Rajat Gupta charged with leaking Intel and Apple secrets over the phone.
    Australia’s National Australia Bank (Outsourced jobs to India in 2007, nationwide ATM and account failure in late 2010).
    Barclays Bank – UK executive management was corrupted by Shriti Vadera, the Indian-origin economist. His advice led Barclay’s CEO and other execs to rig Libor interest rates.
    Bell Labs (Arun Netravalli took over, closed, turned into a shopping mall)
    Boeing Dreamliner ES software (written by HCL, banned by FAA)
    Bristol-Myers-Squibb (Trade Secrets and documents stolen in U.S. by Indian national guest worker)
    Caymas – Startup run by Indian CEO, French director of dev, Chinese tech lead. Closed after 5 years of sucking VC out of America.
    Caterpillar misses earnings a mere 4 months after outsourcing to India, Inc.
    Circuit City – Outsourced all IT to Indian-run IBM and went bankrupt shortly thereafter.
    Cisco – destroyed by Indian labor, laid off 55,000 in 2012, going down the drain.
    ComAir crew system run by 100% Indian IT workers caused the 12/25/05 U.S. airport shutdown when they used a short int instead of a long int
    Computer Associates – Former CEO Sanjay Kumar, an Indian national, sentenced to 12 years in federal prison for accounting fraud.
    Deloitte – 2010 – this Indian-packed consulting company is being sued under RICO fraud charges by Marin Country, California for a failed solution.
    Dell – call center (closed in India)
    Delta call centers (closed in India)
    Duke University – Massive scientific fraud by Indian national Dr. Anil Potti discovered in 2012.
    Enron, WorldCom, Qwest, and Tyco all hired large numbers of foreign workers from India before their scandals.
    Fannie Mae – Hired large numbers of Indians, had to be bailed out. Indian logic bomb creator found guilty and sent to prison.
    Goldman Sachs – Kunil Shah, VP & Managing Director – GS had to be bailed out by US taxpayers for $550 BILLION.
    GM – Was booming in 2006, signed $300 million outsourcing deal with Wipro that same year, went bankrupt 3 years later
    HP – Got out of the PC hardware business in 2011 and can’t compete with Apple’s tablets. HP was taken over by Indians and Chinese in 2001. So much for ‘Asian’ talent!
    HSBC ATMs (software taken over by Indians, failed in 2006)
    IBM bill collecting system for Austin, TX failed in 2012 written by Indians at IBM
    Intel Whitefield processor project (cancelled, Indian staff canned)
    Intel – Trade secret stolen by Indian national Biswamohan Pani in 2012.
    JetStar Airways computer failure brings down Christchurch airport on 9/17/11. JetStar is owned by Quantas – which is know to have outsourced to India, Inc.
    JP Morgan – Outsourced subsidiary & IT integration to India in 2009 for $400 million, lost $2 billion in 2012.
    Kodak: Outsourced to India in 2006, filed for bankruptcy in Jan, 2012.
    Lehman (Jasjit Bhattal ruined the company. Spectramind software bought by Wipro, ruined, trashed by Indian programmers)
    London Olympics 2012 Security – Botched by India’s G4S
    Medicare – Defrauded by Indian national doctor Arun Sharma & wife in the U.S.
    Microsoft – Employs over 35,000 H-1Bs. Stock used to be $100. Today it’s lucky to be over $25. Not to mention that Vista thing.
    MIPS – Taken over by Indian national Sandeep Vij in 2010, being sold off in 2012.
    MIT Media Lab Asia (canceled)
    MyNines – A startup founded and run by Indian national Apar Kothari went belly up after throwing millions of America’s VC $ down the drain.
    Nomura Securities – (In 2011 “struggling to compete on the world stage”). No wonder because Jasjit Bhattal formerly of failed Lehman ran it. See Lehman above.
    PeopleSoft (Taken over by Indians in 2000, collapsed).
    PepsiCo – Slides from #1 to #3 during Indian CEO Indra Nooyi’ watch.
    Polycom – Former senior executive Sunil Bhalla charged with insider trading.
    Qantas – See AirBus above
    Quark (Alukah Kamar CEO, fired, lost 60% of its customers to Adobe because Indian-written QuarkExpress 6 was a failure)
    Reebok – Massive fraud and theft in India second in size only to Satyam fraud
    Rolls Royce (Sent aircraft engine work to India in 2006, engines delayed for Boeing 787, and failed on at least 2 Quantas planes in 2010, cost Rolls $500m).
    SAP – Same as Deloitte above in 2010.
    Singapore airlines (IT functions taken over in 2009 by TCS, website trashed in August, 2011)
    Skype (Madhu Yarlagadda fired)
    State of Indiana $867 million FAILED IBM project, IBM being sued
    State of New York – Hired Indian-infested CSC in 1998 to build a new system, was 33 months late and $166 million over budget, a cost overrun of 47 percent. And then the system failed. So much for “they can do it better, cheaper, faster”. CSC also holds the sole contract for NC’s Medicaid system redesign. That project is hundreds of millions over budget and years late. India, Inc. is taking its time to maximize the amount it can grift out of America.
    State of Texas failed IBM project.
    Sun Micro (Taken over by Indian and Chinese workers in 2001, collapsed, had to be sold off to Oracle).
    UK’s NHS outsourced numerous jobs including health records to India in mid-2000 resulting in $26 billion over budget.
    Union Bank of California – Cancelled Finacle project run by India’s InfoSys in 2011.
    United – call center (closed in India)
    US Navy F-18 jet crashes into Virginia apartment building on 4/6/12 after outsourcing F-18 work to India’s Tata.
    Victorian Order of Nurses, Canada (Payroll system screwed up by SAP/IBM in mid-2011)
    Virgin Atlantic (software written in India caused cloud IT failure)
    World Bank (Indian fraudsters BANNED for 3 years because they stole data).

    I could post the whole list here but I don’t want to crash any servers.

    • And your point being?
      I do not think this is the right post or platform for this list. There are a lot of companies around the world in various developed nations who have lead to ruined economies and have ruined the lives of the people. Wrong people in wrong places take wrong decisions. It happens all over the world.

      • But before India sent hordes of human cockroaches with fake resumes into the US, the American public had it much better than they do now. The US is much worse now because of the failures that India has bought in here.

            • Americans were thrown out of their jobs because their government and their companies allowed people from other countries to work for them, because their government and their companies put their profits and their interest above the interest of the nation and the citizens.
              You will not get anything by spitting your frustrations here. Maybe you should protest outside your parliament?

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