The Hitchhiker’s Guide to lose a guy

A friend of mine who is a dab hand at talking non stop about the evils of arranged marriages once asked me – “How will you know a girl in a ten minutes meeting? Look at me. If a guy comes to see me, will he ever come to know in those ten minutes that the pitch of my scream can put a professional soprano to shame?”

This left me in a state of (men)tation. How easy is it for the girls to lose a guy whom they don’t like at all OR whom they have overgrown. Its not hard really. Come to think of me, any girl can lose me in seconds. There are certain traits I completely abhor and you just have to provide my senses a tinge of them to make me lower your scores. So, to extend the olive branch of chivalry to all the damsels in distress who are dying to free themselves from the clutches of an unwanted relationship, I present the Hitchhiker’s Guide to lose a guy and in turn I would like the damsels to consider me as an option. (* Conditions apply)

Here is a list of certain “types” of girls which the guys(generally) can’t stand.

The Laughter Queen : Some girls are just too loud. Just crack a joke and their laughter will wake up the dead. Guys hate such girls. A girl’s laughter should be a sweet, syrupy, melodic vibrations of the vocal chords which should remind one of tinkling wind chimes. So just go HAHAHAHA in a quite place like a restaurant or a theatre and you won’t find the guy near you the next time.

The Emotive cow : Guys hate women who cry at the drop of hat. You just have to get extra emotional on spotting a poor puppy snooping around in a garbage dump or ask the guy to go out and get some extra tissues while you cry while watching an emotional movie while he never wanted to see in the first place. Also when he forgets to call you at 12 am to say “Good Night sweety pie” because there was a cricket match, just call him up the next morning and start crying and ask him at least ten times whether he loves you or not. That will do the trick.

The Disinclined irritant : Argue. Belittle. Hesitate. Fight. Just say no to everything he chooses. “How is this shirt?” “Gross!!!” “How do you like these earrings for yourself?” “Are you crazy!!(give him the are-you-crazy look)” “Chaat?” “Dimsums.” Guys don’t like it for too long when someone argues like this. I hate it too. 😀

The Too much Career oriented : Start giving the guy an impression that you can go to any extend to have a successful career. Even if it means going abroad, marrying late or higher studies. Very soon you will see the beads of panic on his head. Guys hate girls who are over ambitious and if he says that all the goals of a successful career can be achieved after marriage also, give him that are-you-crazy look again splashed with a spoonful of you-must-be-kidding look. 😉

The tee-hee-hee : This is a hard one to explain. Some girls are just too “girly”, if you can understand that. They would go “ouch” even if their finger brushes a wall, they would go “Wow” when all they have seen is a squirrel climbing a tree and they would go “Oh my God” when the car hits a tinywiny bump on the road which no one else would have noticed. Such girls consider themselves to be too sensitive to their surroundings and will always laugh with a hand on their lips which appears magically as soon as the lips are parted. This is one category which irritates me to no ends.

The Heroine : This category is very similar to the tee-hee-hees with a major difference. They are faking it. Tee-hee-hees are genuine tee-hee-hees. They can’t help it. But Heroines are fake tee-hee-hees. This is the hardest category to be and you have to be really good to get this one right. I have known one girl who was an expert in this and believe me you can’t do it better than her.

The Flirt : Who likes a girlfriend who flirts with other boys and compare you with them? But Beware!! Trying to achieve your goal by being a flirt may lead to confrontations. This is the easiest way performance-wise but things might get really murky later on. I would suggest that you start with the other categories and keep this as a last resort.

The Lady-In-Charge : Guys like it when a girl is submissive and let the guy take on all the worldly responsibilities like talking to the auto-driver, buying movie tickets, ordering the meals, paying the bills and asking for directions. So if you really want to piss off the guy, just don’t let him do all this. Take charge of the situation and make him stand in the background while you deal with the big bad world.

The Tulsi(Family worshipper) : Bore the guy with minute details about your family. From your sister’s toothache to your mom’s sudden change in her hair stylist to your brother’s weird choice of underwear colours, tell him everything. And, when he starts to tell you about his own family, just cut him off in-between and start blabbering about your family again. Believe me, he will hang himself in two days.

The lesbian : Of course, if you are in a real hurry and can’t breathe in the guy’s presence, go ahead and tell him that you are a Lesbian. Tell him that you fantasise Bipasha and had a steady girlfriend sometime back and you were just experimenting with the poor guy. Run away before he starts crying.

So, ladies, these are the sure shot techniques to get rid of undesirable men because eligible bachelors like me are fed up of their life which suck big time because of lack of a girlfriend. When you are free and in want of an exclusive boyfriend, you know where to mail to get the mobile number. 😉

* To get me as your boyfriend, you must not belong to any of the above mentioned categories. Thenks.